"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge. Read More »

Who knew the girl could eat?

Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already. Read More »

Let me start by saying, The Bachelor Pad is my new favorite show on television.  If you watched the premiere last night, you know what I’m talking about.  It’s like The Bachelor on steroids – more drama, more hook-ups, more booze…basically amazing.

I was barely absorbing one of Elizabeth’s crazy threats before she was off and dishing out another.  My eyes couldn’t get enough of Jesse B.’s gorgeous bod.  Was Weatherman actually funny on a few occasions!?  I love it all!

While I’m still processing most of the finer plot points (and accepting Chris Harrison’s new casual attire), I’ve selected my favorite, most anticipated duos of the season:

Kiptyn and Tenley
We already know it’s going to happen, but come on – are they not the most family friendly couple of all time?  He’s a serial volunteer and she’s a real-life, rainbow-sh*tting Disney character.  I’m dying to see if these two progress beyond G-Rated hand holding.

Weatherman and Craig
Will these two ever kiss and make up?  Craig pretty much proved that he’s even more insecure and awkward than his cumulus cloud-loving counterpart.  Something makes me think that Weatherman is going into this show having an upper hand with the ladies.  Maybe he’ll finally get his first kiss!

Craig and Elizabeth
Elizabeth just wants Craig to guard and protect her heart win her over.  I’m placing my bet right now for the most over-used phrase of the season.  So long as Crazy Elizabeth and Craig are both on the show, she’ll be begging him to win her sorry butt over.  She’s a total nutcase! Read More »

Let someone else talk, lawyer!

Before the hurricane of tears that will be next week’s season finale of The Bachelorette, Monday night gave us one last chance to revisit some of our favorite men who sadly didn’t receive a rose from Ali.  While the only people we wanted to see some faces were strategically missing (ahem: Justin R., Frank, and Evil Craig M.), the ones that were present were all smiles and had nothing but sweet things to say about a certain blonde who gave them the boot.  I was expecting at least one of the guys to ask Ali a “hard” question when she finally came out to talk to them, but alas, it was still all sunshine and butterflies.

The lack of drama, however, didn’t mean there weren’t points where I found myself grimacing, lusting, and laughing with a mouthful of seltzer water (that really hurts, btw).  Here were my favorite moments of the evening:

Chris N. as the “Phantom”

So that explains why we never saw him!  I knew I wasn’t alone in asking, “Who the hell is that?” every time he came on screen this season.  The clips of him lurking in the steamy, luminescent water as Chris L. says in the background, “He’s totally in his natural habitat” were beyond amazing.  Looks like we found Nessie!

Weatherman referring to Ali as being “mystical”

Uh, Jonathan…she’s a girl, not a unicorn.

Jesse’s shaved head.

Hot damn!  I mean he was good looking before, but now…psh!  Long gone are the days of pick-up trucks and cow tipping.  We’re definitely not in Missouri anymore. Read More »

You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird. Read More »

Dear Ex BF,

It has been awhile since we parted ways, but that doesn’t mean that I forgot all the things I wanted to say to you but never got the chance. You dated me long enough to know (well, if you ever stopped talking about yourself long enough to learn anything about me) that I always have to have the last word. Always.

So, here is my last word. Actually, quite a few of them.

I never really got the chance to say much during our three month relationship. Lord knows I tried, but it is hard to get a word in with someone who likes to talk about his greatness in all things from timing the traffic lights to fixing things to his sexual stamina. Well, my ex-pal, the only thing you were good at was convincing people you were good at everything else. Because I remember the time we almost died when you ran a red light, my dresser drawers that won’t close correctly since you “fixed them” and that one time we had sex for longer than 3 minutes….and you were hammered.

While we’re on the topic, let me just say that foreplay is more than just pulling off your own sweatpants and grabbing a condom. Maybe you were ready to go at the drop of a hat (as made obvious by the many times you pre-warned me that, “this may be quick.”), but we lady-folk need a little bit more attention. Perhaps you could have kissed my neck or, I don’t know, undressed me? I know that any form of physical contact brought the possibility of an even earlier climax for ya, but you could have at least tried. Read More »

It’s usually pretty easy to tell if a guy is single from his apartment. You’ve got the typical underwear out in the open, ring around the bathtub, week old stubble discard in the sink, that odd “shoe and old clothes smell”…I could go on, but it only gets grosser from here.

Most of us are well versed in the signs of The Bachelor Pad, but did you know you can tell if a girl is single and unlaid by her Bachelorette Pad? Read More »