"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge.

Cons: Tenley referring to them as “Kip-Ten” is the ultimate male ego deflator.  Also, Tenley thinking Dave and Natalie’s date was going to be on a spaceship doesn’t bode well for her IQ, should it be called upon.

Kovacs & Elizabeth
Before I discuss these two, can I just say that their exchanges in this episode were classic.  Let it be noted everywhere, Elizabeth does not want to simply get railed.  The woman would like a little romance, please.  It was called the Fantasy Suite, after all.  Okay, had to get that out.  Moving along.

Pros: They’re the most entertaining people left in the house.  You know watching them learn to dance is going to be Emmy-worthy.  Will they win?  Probably not.  Do I care?  Not really.

Cons: As Kovacs pointed out, dear Liz has a screw loose. She’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. She puts the “crazy” in “crazy girl with bad implants.” See where I’m going with this?

Dave & Natalie
Pros: They’re both kinda whorey.  If this were a blow job contest, Natalie would totally win.  But alas, it’s not, so…

Cons: Dave’s massive temper might trip him up when it comes time for the fancy footwork; Natalie is clearly more emotionally invested in this pairing than Dave….and has said so at least 97 times; She has horrible hair…can that be a con?  I think so.  And lastly, Dave’s bromance with Kovacs is going to end in disaster, you mark my words.

So this is it, you guys!  We’re down to the final sets of idiots who have kissed, puked, and cried their way to the top.  Next week Chris Harrison will be handing over a mighty hefty check to one of these (deserving?) couples.  Who do you think it’s going to be?

Who knew the girl could eat?

Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already.

The fourth Rule of Bachelor Pad is to keep all your organs.
Krisily couldn’t participate in the pie-eating contest because she has no gallbladder.  Seems like a legit excuse.  She didn’t ask for special treatment, just quietly bowed out of the challenge.  Well, let me tell you.  Did Chris Harrison care?  Please, he was ready to escort her to the limo and see her home.  Did David care?  He told the camera she needed to suck it up and eat the damn pie anyway.  Bottom line: there is no compassion on BP (unless you’re Tenley and cry over everything).

The fifth Rule of Bachelor Pad is that Gwen isn’t as dumb as she looks.
But Weatherman is.  I’m wondering if he thought he stood the greatest chance at a hook-up if he channeled his energy toward Gwen.  Or is he just blind to her age and plastic surgery?  Either way, Gwen may look dumb and desperate, but she does not want any of that.  And thank God!

You think these crazy kids are going to abide by the Rules of Bachelor Pad?  Who’s your favorite cast member so far?  Are you Team Outsiders or Team Insiders?  So much weighing in that needs to be done!  Sound off below.

I was barely absorbing one of Elizabeth’s crazy threats before she was off and dishing out another.  My eyes couldn’t get enough of Jesse B.’s gorgeous bod.  Was Weatherman actually funny on a few occasions!?  I love it all!

While I’m still processing most of the finer plot points (and accepting Chris Harrison’s new casual attire), I’ve selected my favorite, most anticipated duos of the season:

Kiptyn and Tenley
We already know it’s going to happen, but come on – are they not the most family friendly couple of all time?  He’s a serial volunteer and she’s a real-life, rainbow-sh*tting Disney character.  I’m dying to see if these two progress beyond G-Rated hand holding.

Weatherman and Craig
Will these two ever kiss and make up?  Craig pretty much proved that he’s even more insecure and awkward than his cumulus cloud-loving counterpart.  Something makes me think that Weatherman is going into this show having an upper hand with the ladies.  Maybe he’ll finally get his first kiss!

Craig and Elizabeth
Elizabeth just wants Craig to guard and protect her heart win her over.  I’m placing my bet right now for the most over-used phrase of the season.  So long as Crazy Elizabeth and Craig are both on the show, she’ll be begging him to win her sorry butt over.  She’s a total nutcase!

Wes and Gia
Another rumor I’m afraid will be proven true.  I love Gia.  Like love, love, love her.  And Wes…gross!  I guess he’s kinda sorta less of a jerk on The BP…and at least homeboy didn’t bring along his guitar.  Gia, I’m trusting your gut here.  (Can you tell I’m trying to look on the bright side?  Someone help me like this guy, please.)

Gwen and her plastic surgeon
Hey, someone had to say it.

Bonus: Most Anticipated Threeway…

Elizabeth and Jesse K. and Elizabeth’s psychologist
How many of you guys tuned in and became obsessed with this instant-classic?  (And by “instant classic” I mean the biggest hot-mess that has ever aired over your TV.)  Shout out and let me know what you’re most excited for – be it the inevitable breakdowns, the beer tears, or the claws out catfights.  I, for one, cannot wait for next week’s episode.  Until then, weigh in below!

Let someone else talk, lawyer!

Before the hurricane of tears that will be next week’s season finale of The Bachelorette, Monday night gave us one last chance to revisit some of our favorite men who sadly didn’t receive a rose from Ali.  While the only people we wanted to see some faces were strategically missing (ahem: Justin R., Frank, and Evil Craig M.), the ones that were present were all smiles and had nothing but sweet things to say about a certain blonde who gave them the boot.  I was expecting at least one of the guys to ask Ali a “hard” question when she finally came out to talk to them, but alas, it was still all sunshine and butterflies.

The lack of drama, however, didn’t mean there weren’t points where I found myself grimacing, lusting, and laughing with a mouthful of seltzer water (that really hurts, btw).  Here were my favorite moments of the evening:

Chris N. as the “Phantom”

So that explains why we never saw him!  I knew I wasn’t alone in asking, “Who the hell is that?” every time he came on screen this season.  The clips of him lurking in the steamy, luminescent water as Chris L. says in the background, “He’s totally in his natural habitat” were beyond amazing.  Looks like we found Nessie!

Weatherman referring to Ali as being “mystical”

Uh, Jonathan…she’s a girl, not a unicorn.

Jesse’s shaved head.

Hot damn!  I mean he was good looking before, but now…psh!  Long gone are the days of pick-up trucks and cow tipping.  We’re definitely not in Missouri anymore.

Yup, Kasey still wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart…

Okay, so Kasey’s still crazy.  The guys still think he’s crazy.  Even Chris Harrison still thinks he’s crazy.  But you know what?  Tonight, crazy as he may be, he kinda made sense about one thing.  I’m paraphrasing here, but basically Kasey said that even though he laid it on thick with all the singing and the love confessions, he’d rather Ali remember him as one of the “good guys” instead of one of the deadbeats who left her.  He said that despite not receiving a rose, he’s still glad that he got to be one of her positive memories.  Granted, “positive” is subjective, but the sentiment was nice.

…And yup, Kasey still sings.

He just had to squeeze one more song in there, didn’t he?  When will he realize that no one can even understand what he’s saying!  (Though that’s probably for the best…)

La Bacheloretta

Hola!  How much did you love when Craig R. was rattling off a little Espanol with Roberto?  And when Weatherman jumped in with some crazy Spanglish hybrid!  These are the moments they need to show during the season.  Amid all the crazy drama, it would be good to see the guys goof off from time to time.

Chris L. making people pee their beds.

From Day One I’ve loved Chris, and when he pulled some serious summer camp hijinks in a Turkish hotel, I just loved him all the more.  Don’t act like you’ve never put a sleeping person’s hand in a bucket of warm water.  It totally makes them pee!

The Bachelor Pad preview

You better believe I’ll be tuning in to watch the hot mess that is the Bachelor Pad.  Did you see that montage of nervous breakdowns, drunken hookups, and verbally abusive arguments!?  I swear I counted at least three hot tubs.  With the bar raised so high, there’s an Emmy in that show’s future for sure.

And now for the final rose!  Can you believe it, another season of The Bachelorette is about to come to a close.  I, for one, have no clue who Ali is going to pick next week or if the rumors are true- that she picks no one.  So who do you think it’s going to be, Roberto or Chris?

I’ll be back next Tuesday to discuss all the finale’s events; in the meantime leave your predictions below!

P.S. If she doesn’t choose Chris, he’s mine so BACK OFF.

You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird.

Maxim Says: Pony Play: Involves wearing vinyl horse costumes, hooves, bit bridles, harnesses, and saddles, and playing “horsey” while riding your partner around.
Brittany Says: I maybe did this when I was twelve, but sexual intentions were not evident.

Maxim Says: Furry: ‘Furries’ get sexually aroused by wearing animal costumes; they romp with their critter-suited pals at “confurences” and sometimes do the dirty in their fuzzy get-ups.
Brittany Says: I’m never going to look my high school mascot in the eye mesh screen again.

Maxim Says: Tree: Bizarre subset of arborphilia, a sexual attraction to the sexy stumps, thick trunks, seductive bark openings, and beckoning branches of our arboreal buddies.
Brittany Says: When it comes to artistic expression, I can understand that trees are a sacred art form to capture the natural curves of their branches…movement in their leaves…but for actual sexual jive down south? Say it ain’t so.

Maxim Says: Food: The presentation of high-calorie foods as a substitute for sex.
Brittany Says: Can I partially agree with this one? I mean, if I’m hungry and there is a fine spread of delicious grub in front of me. . .no. Food is not substitute for sex. The cucumbers and mayonnaise stay on the sandwich. Bottom line.

Maxim Says: Furniture: ‘Furnies’ get off on stacking furniture in compromising positions and taking pictures of their handiwork.
Brittany Says: This puts Housewives of New Jersey into a sane and innocent place. And after all of those years wondering about the family you nanny, now you know what’s going on if you find a stack of Pottery Barn magazines placed on top of the toilet.

It’s usually pretty easy to tell if a guy is single from his apartment. You’ve got the typical underwear out in the open, ring around the bathtub, week old stubble discard in the sink, that odd “shoe and old clothes smell”…I could go on, but it only gets grosser from here.

Most of us are well versed in the signs of The Bachelor Pad, but did you know you can tell if a girl is single and unlaid by her Bachelorette Pad?

Here are some of the signs (which I may or may not totally recognize):

• Piles of magazines everywhere, comprised of tons of pretentious ones that are clearly untouched and then severely thumbed-through Vogues and Luckys

• Slovenly heaps of little-used makeups in the bathroom

• Nair

• inspirational or thinspirational things on the fridge

And my personal favorite,

• Overflowing shoe rack and nothing in the fridge

Do you have your own Bachelorette Pad dead giveaways? How about underwear and bras hanging from the shower curtain? A vibrator within arm’s reach? Half-eaten ice cream cartons that are crumpled and melty because someone’s eaten them without the aid of a bowl?

Come on, girls, give us those dirty apartment secrets!