But if I had to guess, I imagine it would go something like this:

They start off at a Build-a-Bear workshop where the brothers and friends gather to make cuddly mementos of Kevin and Danielle’s love. Inevitably, one of Kevin’s cheesier friends will make him his own wedding day Love Bug. That one will definitely take its place at the foot of Kevin and Danielle’s marital bed.

Joe and Nick have already confirmed that they’re forgoing the typical Las Vegas trip in exchange for something much cooler. I imagine they are chartering a private jet to Disney World where they will dine in style at Cinderella’s castle. For dessert, Minnie Mouse will pop out of a cake and give Kevin the Eskimo kiss of a lifetime. But no pictures guys, things could get wild (with Kevin drinking some sparkling apple juice) and it could be incriminating.

Next comes the scavenger hunt around the Magic Kingdom where Kevin and his friends have to locate all of the items on the list, including, but not limited to, one candy necklace, Ariel’s sea-shell bra, a Phil Collins C.D. and Tinkerbell’s phone number.

But the excitement isn’t over folks; Nick and Joe have one more surprise up their sleeves. The little JoBros will fly in special guest Dr. Ruth for a private sex-ed debriefing for Kevin. While the brothers have taken a vow of chastity, it’s time for Kevin to ditch the purity ring and become a man.  So earmuffs off, Kevin, you’re going to need these tips come honeymoon time.

So, congratulations! Have you picked a date? Done the dress shopping? Gone cake tasting? Picked the esteemed members of your bridal party? Great! So if we could take a minute to shift the focus over to me? Yeah.

You’re freaking me out.

Early, early, early 20s are not a time when the general “you” should be worried about marriage, especially when I can’t even decide whether I want to go to grad school or work or what. And yet, you’re kind of making me think I should be worried. I mean, isn’t everybody in the dating game right now, yourselves excluded? Aren’t most pople our age single? Don’t you know that marriage is supposed to be forever and divorces are really expensive and, frankly, so are weddings (especially on the east coast—eep)?

And also, are you going to get all judgy all of a sudden? I’m still the delinquent “single friend” who can’t land a boyfriend for more than a couple months at a shot, I have no life direction as yet (but we’re hoping, any day now, for an epiphany)… Are you going to keep giving me that “I’m judging you without trying to seem that way” look while continually asking how my dating life is going? Because I can tell you already: I’m really not going to meet anyone anytime soon. I’m pretty sure I’m bad at the dating game and I probably can’t even find someone to commit to being my date at your wedding to keep me from looking as alone and pathetic as I apparently am…

No, it’s fine. I’ll be at the bar, don’t worry about it.

Wait; you are having an open bar, aren’t you?

I’m sure it’s not your intention to make me feel bad here, and your wedding is really just about the two of you and eternal love and sunshine and daisies and what-not. But until this whole engagement situation I really thought I was just normal and average for a twenty-something. But… marriage. Wow. You kids aren’t screwing around. You’re getting your lives together. I just settled on my major last week, thought that was a big deal, but here you are stealing my thunder, not parting til death and throwing yourselves bachelor and bachelorette parties that I can’t even afford to attend. Oh and also, thanks for registering at Crate & Barrel; I can maybe afford to buy you a serving spoon or can opener.

In any case, I guess it’s not your fault, and I don’t exactly blame you… but you’re kind of bringing out the worst in me. You make me feel inadequate and kind of uncomfortable. And alone. And poor. Can you maybe just make an extra vow to some of your friends to not become the lame married couple? To stay fun and pleasant like you were when you were just boyfriend-and-girlfriend? To not make the rest of us feel awkward for being single, and to not judge us for our lack of awesomeness in relationships?

Thanks.

And again, mazel tov.

Love,

K

PS—If you want me in your bridal party, peach is not a color option.

[Photo courtesy of home.att.net]

If you’re one of those girls who isn’t phased by the idea of your significant other’s face in the crotch of another chick, a naked one at that, more frigin’ power to you. However, those of you that are, like me – a woman who, regardless of my confidence prefers if my boyfriend’s face stays out of a strippers cooch – let’s discuss.

I get that guys “need” to go to the bachelor party because they want to share in their buddy’s last night of being a single guy. I understand the need to watch him squirm while the guys embarrass him by having some stripper sweat all over him; however, any man of mine, will not be partaking in such close contact festivities.

I am not – in any way – trying to directly bash strippers; you take your clothes off, look good doing it and make lots of loot. More power to you. I just won’t accept someone I touch, getting touched by a chick who gets paid to give men – all shapes and sizes – attention. So, when my boyfriend informed me that he was going to a strip club (to forwarn me and gauge my reaction) I simply tried my best to bite my tongue.

Unfortunately, being the loud, opinionated person that I am, biting my tongue was more difficult than I could handle. I told him that, while I would never tell him not to go and share in the drunken, boob-filled bliss, if one stripper climbs on his lap – or his face – he was not to come back home to me. I’m not talking about just that night either, I meant, he is not to come home to me. Ever.

Why, you ask? Because I’m hot, in love with the boy and don’t take my clothes off for anyone else. What we do is between us and us only. Not between us and the random women getting paid to rub their bodies all over him.

I will not touch him after someone else puts her openly visible hoo-ha in his face. Period.

He went to the bachelor party. He watched his buddy get whipped by a naked chick. He looked at lots of boobs and asses, I’m sure. But he had no one on his lap and, thankfully, respected my wishes and my feelings. And, while some girls would think it completely fine to have your man’s hands rummaging all over someone else, I’m not one of them. Keep all that saved up for me please.

How do you feel about strippers? I would love to hear some different opinions on the situation, ladies.