What better way for Maxim to start off 2012 than to have J-Woww gracing the cover? Because nothing says relevant and timely quite like a Jersey Shore cast member. Oh, wait, it’s not 2010 any more. Regardless, JWoww looks kind of really comfortable and sexy while embracing the super sleazetastic Maxim aesthetic.
Flipping through the pages, I was inundated with dead eyes, slightly parted mouths and an absurd amount of sideboob. I get it, all boob is sexy, but some angles are sillier than others. Naturally, every man in this magazine was fully clothed and allowed to have an actual facial expression. Typical. And the relationship advice… oh, what a wreck and a complete and utter waste of paper. Ladies, did you know that as long as men buy us things, we’ll completely forgive them for being thoughtless and disrespectful losers? And that if guys cheat on us, we’ll let it slide if they buy us puppies? Because nothing says love like gifting someone an animal that they’ll have to potty train.

The real gem of this issue, though, is a country-by-country guide to all the countries men should go to for various sexual endeavors. Yes, it’s just as objectifying, reductionist and utterly terrible as it sounds. Read More »

It seems like just yesterday I was an awkward freshman getting ready for the big move in. Before you take the plunge into the best four days of your life, pretty much everyone from older siblings to family friends reliving their frat days has some advice to offer you. Sometimes you receive gems, like tips on how to navigate a gross cafeteria or where the best study spots on campus are, but sadly that’s not always the case. Here is a round up of the worst advice incoming freshman receive. Read More »

In college, it’s pretty easy to find a guy. They’re always just there. Sitting next to you in class. Playing catch (shirtless) on the grass. Staring at you from across the bar. (Hopefully) buying you drinks. So as college girls, we have lots of options, but knowing that we have those options and knowing how to act on them are two very different things.

When it really comes down to it a lot of women, myself included, really don’t know how to go about catching the eye of that guy who has caught their interest. And after doing some research (for this post, not for my own use…I swear) I’m really not all that surprised. Because the advice that’s out there for women, it’s really, really frightening. But lucky for us, it’s also entertaining. And lucky for you, I’ve pulled some of the more ridiculous tidbits to share with you ladies.

Okay, here goes. This is what shows up when one googles “how to seduce a guy”: Read More »

Ah…another month, another chance to crack open a fresh issue of Seventeen.  A chance to take in the season’s hottest fashions (many of which include stripes, plaid, or polka dots – the same as EVERY FREAKIN’ SEASON).  A chance to pick up some killer flirting tips (“that shirt is hot on you!” = my new line.)  A chance to – IS THAT REALLY ANOTHER ARTICLE THAT REVEALS “THE TRUTH ABOUT HOOKUPS?”  Like, seriously, Seventeen?  You don’t need to to talk about that in every single issue.

But I digress – this month’s cover girl was Emma Roberts, who I absolutely despise because, according to the article, the bitch stole my man.  Yup, you heard me: she’s allegedly seeing Chace Crawford, which I just can’t forgive.  Cover girl Emma laments her angsty teenage past (which she left behind a whole entire year ago) and claims that she used to feel like no one understood her.  Yawn.  Newsflash, Em – we’ve all been there.  It’s called high school.

Aside from one really moving article about a girl who watched her boyfriend die, this month’s Seventeen was more of the usual.  There was the requisite article about the dangers of self-esteem issues and, like in every other issue, body image issues were addressed. Now, I get it.  Body image issues are really serious, and magazines like Seventeen have a responsibility to help young girls work through these problems.  I really do commend the staff of Seventeen for their efforts to promote this cause….but it would be so much more effective if they didn’t feature exclusively stick-thin models (the only exceptions seem to be the “curvy” or “plus-size” fashion spread models) on every page.  Just sayin’. Read More »

Diane Kruger is a certified, regulation, top-tier hottie. I mean, she is ethereal enough to have been cast as Helen of Troy. She is currently boning and betrothed to wed Joshua Jackson (PACEY!) and she somehow managed to make stilted sexyface look alluring and hot on this month’s cover of Glamour. And I’m absolutely gagging (in the best possible way) over her cover ensemble. Sigh. Hot women in amazeball clothes – Glamour knows how to speak to my soul so deeply.

Unfortunately, once Glamour starts trying to use words to enrich our lives, it all goes downhill.

As usual, the “Men, Sex, and Love” section is an utter disaster. When the best piece of advice is offered by a 9-year-old, you know this shiz is dire. (The 9-year-old was asked if men should pay on the first day. Her answer; “No, because then he’ll think you’re spoiled. You should volunteer.” Debate over.)

There’s an article by a 28-year-old woman who planned to save her virginity for her husband…and then didn’t (didn’t most of us have that “I’m waiting until marriage…oops, there’s a p in my v” moment at some point? Yawn.) There is an article about communication by some dude who apparently feels that guys need women to tell them that joking about their moms is not okay (I know etiquette is kind of a lost concept these days, but seriously?) And apparently dudes think about sports during sex (remember when these magazines said they were thinking about supermodels? I’m not sure if sports are an up- or a downgrade). But it’s the obligatory sexting article that made me roll my eyes so hard I’m pretty sure I saw my brain.

Let me explain why. Read More »

It’s that time of month again; for me to buy the magazine I hate after I consume the eighty pieces of pie (with a side of whipped cream) because I’ve browsed the pages full of cute blondes wearing Aerie panties, faux-fur hats, all while riding crotch rockets.  Come on Maxim, put some clothes on these ladies, I can see their midriff.

While reading Maxim this month, I’m really beginning to believe woman’s magazines need to mix it up a little bit.  In Maxim this month, they had half naked girls, wearing flannel and lace, showcasing great gift ideas for men.  Are you taking notes Cosmo/Glamour/Allure/whoeveryouare? Slap some men wearing spandex holding a puppy (or a tea cup pig, those things are cute) inside your glossy pages already!

Also inside this month’s issue was a helpful article about ‘How to Stop an Overflowing Toilet.’ Hey, everybody poops, people.  It sounds complicated, but if you’re in doubt just speed-read to the last step: Call a plumber, your septic tank is probably just backed up. Um, yummy.

After page upon page of ‘Battlefield Maxim’ (you can only imagine lots of guns and camo were involved) I landed on ‘What Does Your Kardashian Preference Say About You?’ Naturally, I’m more of an butt girl, so my Kimmy preference means I’m “narcissistic, feel like I’m not good enough, and want someone who looks really good but doesn’t threaten my ego.” Well sh*t, I changed my mind – I like Khloe.

Finally, I came across a little helpful feature for dudes called ‘Man vs. Holidays.’ The article instructed men to grab a broom, some booze, and throw a kick-butt holiday par-tay.

The advice was cute, but coming from a woman, it’s only natural to make a little fun.  After all, the Maxim advice came from our male counterpart.  Let’s see what he had to say.

Maxim Says: I advocate buying some scented candles for the bathroom. It’ll not only make your guests feel less conscious about dropping a deuce, but it’s comforting. Go for autumnal colors and aromas.  And spread them around.

Brittany Says: What’s with Maxim and buying scented candles to ‘set the mood’ for any/every household activity?  I mean, I’m all about making any sh*t situation comfortable, but not if I’m going to light my ass on fire.

Read More »

I’m not even going to address the awful job Glamour’s Photoshop guru did on Fergie’s face. Nor am I going to snark on the velvet onesie the wardrobe department put her in. Clearly, everyone over there is jealous that Fergie is boning Josh Duhamel and they’re…not.

I’m pretty sure most of us have made peace with this heartbreaking reality, and they really should too.

This month is Glamour’s 20th anniversary of their “Women of the Year” celebration, which you may think means a much heavier emphasis on the women who are setting the world on fire…and, yes, that’s true, if by “much heavier,” you mean “about 10 pages worth of footage.” Because heaven forbid we take a prolonged break from discussing the latest trends in red lipstick or the return of the side ponytail or trying to decipher the stupid signals dudes send us.

(Actually, I’m glad they didn’t, because then what would I write about?)

For an issue that is supposed to be inspiring women, I was feeling pretty dejected reading through it. Glamour made me feel skanky (by declaring leather leggings a “don’t, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan”), unhygienic (did you know you’re supposed to give fruit not just a water rinse-off, but a VINEGAR rinse too?), and sexually unadventurous (because I have no desire to try tantric sex).

And then I came across an article that was so absurd that I had no choice but to feel a lot better about myself because at least I’m not clueless enough to take this advice seriously.

“Five Sexy Texts You Won’t Regret in the Morning“

Read More »

First, take off his pants!

Then read this post.

No, seriously. Cosmo wants you to. And next, treat him to the sexy strokes he’s been craving all along…but won’t ask for (like that one where you make little crawling motions with your fingers from his hips to his chin).

Wait, stop!  Would you jump off a bridge if Cosmo did?! For real, I was flabbergasted when I saw the biggest headline on this issue placed strategically next to Katy Perry’s wonder-breasts.  Especially knowing that my 16-year-old sister bought the magazine this month.  I hope she’s looking only at the (very microscopic) fashion section in this November edition. It’s on pages 65-74, for all of those concerned sisters and mothers out there.

After being transfixed by Katy’s cleave for a good twenty minutes (“how do they sit like that?!”), I finally snapped out of it and opened the magazine. And what did I find? Alex Rodriguez’s smug grin and the title of ‘Celeb Bachelor of the Year.’ That was more disappointing then my dream about birthing Levi Johnston’s love child.  Sorry if you’re a Yankee fan, but no thanks.  However, lucky for all your Chewbacca boyfriends out there, Cosmo also shows you a ‘Fast Fix for his Unibrow.’ (Since I’m sure he wouldn’t take offense to you suffocating him with your white eyeliner pencil…)

For all the women out there concerned about what other chicas are doing to get all freaky between the sheets, Cosmo provides us with a ‘Naughty Sex Check List.’ Yummy, time to get super and uncomfortably personal.  Then, Cosmo gives us the ’3 Weird Signs He’s Into You.’ These include: eating steak, starting to talk like you, and his mind going blank. OK – so if you go to Red Lobster and he orders a Filet Mignon, he starts mimicking your hand movements, and forgets your name – you’re in.  Super!  Thanks Cosmo!

Read More »

We know. It’s a three-day weekend and you have yet to get out of your pajamas. Heck, you have yet to even get out of bed. That’s cool with us. That’s why sweats were invented. And actually, if we had our way, you wouldn’t get out of bed all day. Because it makes us feel better knowing we’re not the only sloths around we have an insanely awesome round-up of links from our very favorite people on the web.

Yeah that’s right. We’re giving you another excuse to stay in elastic-waistband pants all day. You’re welcome.

Was summer 2010 your worst summer ever (Lemondrop)

The worst dieting advice from movies (All Women Stalk)

Would you wear these? (College Fashion)

Can your shoes clean the floor? (Fashion Pulse Daily)

Fall’s hottest trends (Hot Beauty Health)

8 ways to transform his style (YourTango)

Fictionary: Nail Fail resulting from a cocktail (Beauty Blogging Junkie)

Jerry Lewis wants to smack WHO in the face? (The Frisky) Read More »

If Jessica Alba’s bodacious blow-out didn’t catch my eye this month on the September cover of Cosmo, the giant ‘Untamed Va-jay-jays’ headline sure did.  What the hell is an untamed vajay? Seriously, this isn’t the Discovery Channel for body parts, Cosmo. Naturally (pun intended) I was gnawing at the bit to get inside the mag and get reading (because who doesn’t like headlines that read ‘Seduce Him! The Sexy Move That Works From 20 Feet Away’ and ‘Guy Sex Confessions.’ Yep, where’s my notepad?).

Beyond the cover, I’ve come to the scientific conclusion Cosmo has a weird obsession with Kristen Stewart. Last month they featured an article showcasing how classy her relationship with R-Patz was and this month an entire page was dedicated to a timeline of KStew’s looks growing up from 2002-2010, where Cosmo noted she is “fashion forward and glamorous.” I’m so glad Cosmo has confirmed bed head and deep frowns as edgy and ‘fashion forward.’ But even better, on the next page Cosmo showcased ‘Styles That Go Both Ways’ - AKA hairstyles that work for both male and female.  The first victim? Our homegirl Kristen, sized up next to Ed Westwick with a VIP flow cut. Awww, cute.

As I continued to flip through; I passed the casual ‘Sexy vs. Skanky’ article which stated the (extremely obvious) sexy and skanky things in the world (i.e. cycling sleeveless as sexy and cycling naked as skanky). For a second, I did think cycling naked was dead sexy, so I’m glad I could get this formally clarified by the experts at Cosmo.  Friends who back-stab, taking his identity and wearing a tee shirt as a dress were other skanky actions Cosmo claim as ‘no-no’s.’  Aren’t you happy you know that now? Me too.  A paragraph analyzing his Halo addiction flew past my fingertips in ’101 Things About Men’ and an article called ‘How to Have Perfect Timing’ lost my attention when the first bit of advice was to wake up at 7 A.M. and have a quickie.  And where does this give me the good wishes to have fabulous timing?? Read More »