One of the hardest parts of being a friend to someone is actually being a friend to someone.

It’s not like when we were little we were taught how to be a friend outside the realms of “sharing is caring.” There are certain sticky situations, like dealing with a friend in a bad or abusive relationship, where no how-to guide can instruct us how to be a true friend.

Standing by as a friend suffering through an unhealthy relationship can be confusing, frustrating, and often scary. How do you support a friend without doing them an injustice? And at what point do you draw the line between supporting and enabling?

One of my best friends is in a horrible relationship that resembles a really bad re-run episode of Degrassi. Read More »

Earlier this week I logged on to Facebook and my news feed was overwhelmed with updates on my friends joining the group “I’m single – and you’re going to have to be pretty amazing to change that!” While I normally dislike Facebook groups about random things, the title of this one hit home for me. First off, they used the right “you’re,” which is surprisingly rare on Facebook these days. Secondly, what an inspiring perspective to have on being single!

It is so easy for us single ladies to look at people in relationships and be a little jealous, or miss the stability and security that sometimes comes from being in a relationship. It is so easy to get trapped in the pattern of being in a relationship simply for the comfort that comes from having a boyfriend, any boyfriend. I know this from both personal experience and from watching so many of my friends get trapped in relationships where they are not satisfied but can’t bear to leave the security of their boyfriend behind.

Change is difficult, change is scary, and hell, I understand that better than anyone (I don’t even like changing the brand of mascara I use, let alone my relationship status!). But sometimes, as hard as it can seem at first, change is necessary. Read More »

They're trying to make him go to rehab, I say BS, BS, BS

Somehow in the past year it became common practice for famous husbands to cheat on their wives (multiple times) and drag them through an insane media circus culminating in a trip to rehab.

Tiger did it.
And now Jesse James is on his way, too.

Now, I can actually get behind rehab for sex addiction, but seriously?  These guys seem to have a very specific kind of problem: the I sleep with grimy pornstars instead of my super-hot wife who actually loves me disorder.  Right.  It seems that rehab has turned into a holding cell for generally douchy men and if that’s the case, what’s next?

Belligerent Drunk Therapy
For the guy who thinks he’s a WWE wrestler every time he drinks. He picks fights with the bouncer who makes him wait in line, with the guy who accidentally bumped into him while walking through the crowded bar, the random guy in the pink shirt (because “pink shirts are for pussies”). He puffs out his chest at anyone and everyone and can’t take a shot without throwing a punch. But don’t dump him, baby. He can go to rehab!

Bro Addiction Therapy
He’s all sweet and mushy when the two of you are alone, but get him with his friends and it’s like you don’t exist. Suddenly he’s a swaggering cocky bro who will do just about anything to impress his boys. Crush a beer can on his head? Duh. Hit on other girls at the bar? Why not? Stand you up for date night to play HALO with the boys for 7 hours? These are his boys, yo, get over it. This is nothing Dr. Drew can’t handle…. Read More »

Question for Tuffski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and perhaps get an answerino.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
My best friend got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I want to be excited for her big moment, but I can’t help but feel like she’s making a gigantic mistake. She’s only known him since November (he was a mutual friend of the guy she was sleeping with at the time) and has a long history of rushing into relationships with really sketchy guys. Every relationship she gets into, she seems to fall head-over-heels for the guy and turns a blind eye to all of his problems until after he breaks up with her, at which point she realizes what a jerk he was for cheating/abusing her/lying/etc.

Her fiance has never abused or cheated on her, but a couple of months ago they had a pregnancy scare and he threatened to kill himself. I don’t think either of them are mature enough to get married, and if they do, I think it will end in divorce. They plan to get married in Summer 2013 after she gets her bachelor’s degree, so there’s time for her to realize it won’t work on her own, but I don’t think she will. Should I raise the issue with her? I love her and just want her to be happy, but she’s so ecstatic about the engagement and the guy that I’m afraid speaking up could end our friendship.

–Friendo Read More »

I was studying for my Calc midterm with one of my sorority sisters last night, and like good students (hey, we were studying on a Thursday night, cut us some slack) we were soon off the topic of derivatives and onto to the topic of boys. Anna and I were trying to figure out the strange tapestry of relationships that make up our lives, venting that life would be a hell of a lot easier if there were less gray areas in relationships and more “Okay, we are officially exclusively dating” talks.

You know, your typical late night girl talk.

When I finally packed up my books and left the library, the conversation stuck with me. Anna, who is currently single and never really dated anyone in high school, was telling me about how she had never understood all of the things that some girls put up with to be in a relationship.  “I just don’t understand why such amazing girls settle for some losers. There is nothing scary about being single until the right person comes along.”

Now, obviously, there are lots of great guys out there that she was not referring to. And, obviously, a lot of girls out there are single and enjoying it. Yet, Anna really made me think, and I realized that when I first got out of my crazy long-term relationship, it took months before I would let people call me single. Months! I was so scared of the term, of what it implied and of actually being single. Now I realize that Anna is right – that there is nothing bad about being single and nothing missing, either. Read More »

Presenting: the epitome of "I don't like your boyfriend...er...husband."

There is a stop on the Chicago Red Line train with a mosaic of passengers’ thoughts, photographs and stories expressed on individual tiles arranged on a cement wall. While browsing the collage the other day, the following remembrance struck me: “I’ll never forget this stop. This is where my best friend told me she didn’t like my boyfriend and we have never been the same since.”

I had two reactions to this: one, you’re an idiot for opening your mouth; and two, you’re an idiot for letting it ruin your friendship. Upon further review, however, this situation is a little trickier, and a little stickier, than I originally thought.

We have all been in this situation: one of your friends is dating a total jackass. Standard procedure is to discuss his McDouchery with the rest of the group, nickname him something awesome like “fart stick” or “lady balls,” then wait a couple months until he’s out of the picture, and she too can laugh about his pompous political discourse.

But what about the girlfriend who has is still dating that jerk? When is it appropriate – and wise – to tell your friend that her boyfriend sucks?

Here a few crucial factors to consider before opening your mouth.

Read More »