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Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last year I met a really cute boy at the bar on my birthday. He bought me drinks, we danced and kissed all night, and it was fantastic. I ended up getting dragged away by some friends and leaving with them instead of him, but two days later he added me to Facebook, got my number and started texting me saying how much fun he had with me and could we hang out again soon. We did, and a heavy make-out session ensued. Not wanting to seem easy, I left it at kissing for that date. He seemed super interested, so we kept going out and hooking up for a couple of weeks.

The problem was, I was really badly hung up on another guy who I now realize was a womanizer and didn’t deserve my time, but back then I was pretty obsessed with him. For some insane reason, I thought that my birthday guy would ruin my chances with the other guy, so I actually suddenly 100% stopped talking to him. Worst idea ever? Definitely. I didn’t respond to his calls, texts or FB messages. After a month he left a voicemail saying how he had no idea what he did wrong, he was sorry for whatever it was, but he was giving up. I’d just had a hot hook-up with the fantasy boy so I didn’t really think too much about it…

Until the beginning of last semester when I realized what an ass fantasy boy truly is and how much nicer the other guy is. I was so blinded by the idea of the fantasy guy that I quite literally didn’t see what I already had. He lives in the dorm directly below mine this year so I always see him in the stairs, and he’s always at the same parties and building events. I usually catch him staring at me and there’s like an awkward should-I-say-hi moment, but for some reason we haven’t talked yet this year. I badly want to apologize for being a bitch and suggest I make it up to him, but I have no idea how to go about it. I’m worried he hates me or something, which he probably should. To top things off, I keep having bizarre (sometimes sexual) dreams about him, so I can’t get him off my mind!

Help me Tuffy Luv, what do I do to make it right? I was pretty sure he liked me before, is there a chance he might still feel the same?

Love,
Regretful

Dear Regretful,

Well, to be honest, girl – you blew it.

The thing is, you already blew him off, and with zero explanation. Which is fine. You were totally within your rights. But you had your chance and you picked the other guy. No backsies, honey.

Well, so, okay. Now you’re interested. But are you just interested because you’re lonely? It seems like the more disenchanted you become with Former Fantasy Guy, the better Guy You Ignored starts to look. Is that actually based on anything? Or is this guy just your New Fantasy Guy?

If you really wanted to know, you should have gotten to know Guy You Ignored before you started to ignore him. As Tuffy sees it now, you chose someone else and so if you try to go back to someone you never even had in the first place, it’s sort of like you’re fishing through the recyclables. Yeah, you might find a clean jar to store your erasers in, but you also might find one contaminated with salmonella or some shiz.

Okay. Anyway. You get the idea. The only reason you have to think this guy is better than Former Fantasy Guy is based on a new fantasy of this other guy. Haven’t you learned your lesson?!

If you really, for some reason Tuffs can’t understand, feel a burning need to try to get back with this guy (hopefully not when you pee–use condoms, kids!), my advice to you would be to say hi next time you see him. Pretty simple. Ask him if he wants to go for coffee. Make a plan and go. And then–gasp!–talk to him and see if there’s a chance.

However, he might still feel totally rejected. And, just as you were within your rights to not bother with him, he is within his rights to not bother with you.

But to be honest, why not just find another guy? There are plenty of fish in the sea that you haven’t already ditched. Why not check out one of them? You might not even need a fantasy at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

One too many.

And that is why we’re going to help you girls out. Men are very simple creatures, so simple in fact, that they can be neatly organized into a Venn diagram with pretty colors like the ones we used to color in elementary school.

This little ditty sums up the male gender in very simple terms, making it effortless for us girls to identify what sort of person our new prospect actually is, without the wasted month of dating to find out.

And it’s 100% accurate.

If your guy is hot (mmmm!) and he’s nice, he’s dumb. The end.
If he’s nice and knows all the answers in history class? He’s a nerd.
And if he’s answering all those questions while tossing back that gorgeous hair and flexing his muscles, he’s an ass.

Of course there are varying degrees of the above types. Your gorgeous, nice boy may be able to form coherent sentences, but after three weeks of him dying all his whites pink (“Why can’t I just throw in my red boxers?”), the diagram has proved correct.

It might seem too easy. It may seem too shallow. But it also seems eerily true. Thinking back on every guy I’ve ever dated, I can’t seem to find any exceptions to the rules.

Basically, the perfect guy is gay.
End of Story.

What do you guys think? Do these rules ring true in your own dating-and-dumping cycle? Or have you found the exception to the rule? (Yes, this is totally a He’s Just Not That Into You reference)

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