Lesson #43 – Don’t Fall For A Weed In A Flower’s Suit

When I was younger, I used to spend afternoons collecting bouquets of what I thought, at the time, were wildflowers. When I skipped into my house, unaware of the mud stains on my clothes, and too consumed with my new bunch of handpicked flowers, my mother would always shake her head and laugh at me. As she put my handpicked bouquet into a paper cup, she’d smile and say, “These are just weeds with cute outfits.” Looking back, I wish I would’ve taken her input more seriously, because as soon as I started dating, I quickly learned her advice applied to more than just gardening.

When it comes to guys, why is that the worst weeds disguise themselves as flowers? As my luck would’ve have it, the most annoying weeds that I can’t seem to get rid of in my dating life were the guys that caught my eye first. This theory even goes beyond looks. (Not to say I haven’t been drawn to an impeccably dressed guy rocking a crisp Brooks Brothers’ shirt and tie, only to realize that his good sense of style was just about the only good thing about him…) It seems like the life of the party guy — who may not even be the most attractive flower in the bunch, but certainly had the most entertaining personality — has also turned out to be one of the biggest weeds in my life.

We say that we can’t fall for someone unless we have that initial attraction, but most times I find that it’s the initial attraction that ends up screwing me over. He looks great on paper, his first date personality is practically perfect, and yet just mere weeks later, he’s got his eyes glued to ESPN at all times, except, of course, for the times when they’re glued to my boobs.

Just like those supposed wildflowers from my childhood, I pick these guys who at the time give me a sense of pride, like, “Wow, I found something special,” and sure enough, you realize he’s not special at all, he’s just another weed in a well-tailored suit.”

What is it about girls? We’re so attracted to anything even slightly shiny, whether it’s the gleam of a guy’s smile or his flashy personality that could easily rank him as a local celebrity. We’re so attracted that we lose perspective in those first euphoric rushes of finding a new crush.

It’s time we look beyond the first thing that drew us in to a guy and think toward the future to see if this guy is more than that. We don’t need to pull out our marriage-material glasses and over-analyze each man, but instead, just keep in mind that a relationship needs to be more than the initial spark that pulled you in in the first place. A guy with substance, who you felt an initial pull towards, but found other things to love about him as well, makes him a flower amongst weeds.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 42 rules of the Single Girl Society

Despite what She’s All That claimed during our formative middle-school years, no amount of makeup-free-artistic lonely girl can transform a douchebag into a gentleman. However we all like to believe that we are Belle and if we just love them enough (and listen to the talking cupboard) we can turn every beast into a prince. But at the end of the night (week, month, serious relationship) we’re still left with the same douchebag.

So, in order to stop just one girl from going home with that guy, I’ve compiled a list of three telltale signs that he should be avoided.

1. Blazer and a t-shirt

I have yet to figure out why guys think this outfit is anywhere near attractive. While I guess there is some advantage of knowing that they can go straight to the gym and/or a job interview with just a quick change, there’s something unsettling about the two looks meshing. If they can’t be bothered to decide between the business-casual look and the casual-casual look, chances are they won’t be bothered with remembering your name and number post hook-up. So unless you find yourself wearing a dress and sneakers out to the bars, I would recommend steering clear of this.

2. Cheek Kiss

When I first started receiving the cheek kiss at college I marveled at the adultness of it all. It was up there on my maturity scale with dinner parties and lipstick. However I soon learned that the boys who lean in to give the obligatory cheek kiss are the same boys who will elbow you in the stomach to get to the bar. They’re already climbing the social ladder and each time I put out my cheek to receive the kiss, they’re already eyeing the next girl behind me. As they say, nighttime cheek kiss, morning time big diss. (OK, no one has ever actually said that.)

3. Backwards Hat

Nothing says ‘I’m very mistaken about how cool I think I am’ than a backwards hat in any kind of social setting. It constantly amazes me how many people still find it socially acceptable to not only put on a hat to go out, but to put it on backwards. If backwards hats were “in” during the ’90s, then it’s still going to be another ten years before it’s ironic to wear it like that again. Any guy that finds it trendy/funny to wear their hat backwards will also think its trendy/funny to do something wacky, like hitting on one girl all night and then going home with her friend. Their brains work differently.

There are obviously many more signs of a douchebag, but these are the three that came to me after spending 30 seconds of first-hand research in a bar. And while I can list signs all day, it would start to get a little too personal to my friends when they start noticing their own one-night-stands and exes listed.

You got any tips for avoiding the d-bags? List ‘em below. We ladies gotta help eachother out!

[This story was originally posted by Jenni - Syracuse]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Where are the non-creepers?

As a woman in the prime of my single-dom, I am fixated on having fun, and – in the midst of my fun – wouldn’t mind finding Prince Charming. You know, funny, passionate, driven, cute.  The traditional barf-inducing list could go a mile long.  But lately, I have been noticing a recurring trend in the battlefield of love (aka local bar/library) and it has been happening to me a lot lately (insert sad face).

The scenario goes a little like this: guy approaches me at the bar, we make small talk, I calculate he is not my type.  The next thing I know, he is following me around the bar as if his goal in life is to creep my socks off, or fall madly in love with me.

And that’s the end of my story… and my interactions with the opposite sex.

When I eventually ditch the creeper and head home to scarf down some Domino’s (alone) while my girlfriends are off with their so-perfect-it-hurts boy toys, I am left wondering:

Why do all of the wrong guys like me?

I can’t count how many times I have (mistakenly) given out my number to someone who quickly turned out to be oh-so-wrong. Picture texts of men posing with their shirts off, suggestive texts begging me to send them pictures of myself, guys with girlfriends – I’ve seen it all.  And if it’s not a creep, it’s a nice guy. A too-nice guy who may be perfect for someone else, but not so right for me.

It is frustrating and leaves me wondering what I’m doing to attract the wrong dudes.  Do I have a post-it on my head that says “I want to see your lack of arm muscles in a Picture Text message later?”  God, I would like to think not.

Some people tell me that I’ll find my guy when I’m not looking. Others tell me I have to put myself out there. But no matter what I do, I still end up running away from some weirdo at the bar and coming home to an empty bed.

WTF, cupid?

So, in order to stop just one girl from going home with that guy, I’ve compiled a list of three telltale signs that he should be avoided.

1. Blazer and a t-shirt

I have yet to figure out why guys think this outfit is anywhere near attractive. While I guess there is some advantage of knowing that they can go straight to the gym and/or a job interview with just a quick change, there’s something unsettling about the two looks meshing. If they can’t be bothered to decide between the business-casual look and the casual-casual look, chances are they won’t be bothered with remembering your name and number post hook-up. So unless you find yourself wearing a dress and sneakers out to the bars, I would recommend steering clear of this.

2. Cheek Kiss

When I first started receiving the cheek kiss at college I marveled at the adultness of it all. It was up there with dinner parties and lipstick on my maturity scale. However I soon learned that the boys who lean in to give the obligatory cheek kiss are the same boys who will elbow you in the stomach to get to the bar. They’re already climbing the social ladder and each time I put out my cheek to receive the kiss, they’re already eyeing the next girl behind me. As they say, nighttime cheek kiss, morning time big diss. (OK, no one has ever actually said that.)

3. Backwards Hat

Nothing says I’m very mistaken about how cool I think I am than a backwards hat in any kind of social setting. It constantly amazes me how many people still find it socially acceptable to not only put on a hat to go out, but to put it on backwards. If backwards hats were “in” during the 90′s, then it’s still going to be another ten years before it’s ironic to wear it like that. Any guy that finds it trendy/funny to wear their hat backwards will also think its trendy/funny to do something wacky, like hitting on one girl all night and then going home with her friend. Their brains work differently.

There are obviously many more signs of a douchebag, but these are the three that came to me after spending 30 seconds of first-hand research in a bar. And while I can list signs all day, it would start to get a little too personal to my friends when they start noticing their own one-night-stands and ex’s listed.

You got any tips for avoiding the d-bags? List ‘em below. We ladies gotta help eachother out!

I know, I know, there is no such thing as the “perfect” guy (so says my mother) but there is nothing wrong with having a list of qualities (doesn’t pick his nose, even when I am not looking, will rub my shoulders at the snap of my fingers) that I want in a potential boyfriend right? Right.

But after reading this article in the NYT, I have started to realize that while focusing so much on the type of guy I DO want (Has Jake Gyllenhaal broken up with Reese yet?!) perhaps I haven’t realized that there are certain types I DON’T. Things that maybe weren’t even a blip on my guy-dar and if not heeded could end up blowing up in my face.

So here it is ladies: The Guys Not Worth Taking, Dating, Marrying and the like:

Never date a dude who has no friends. At first, this rule seems a bit odd- if he has no friends, he will be close to me and only me! How wonderfully fantastic!! That is until you realize… no friends means the guy is unable to be intimate or close to anyone… yes, even you.

Besides, that means you will always feel guilty leaving him alone and friendless on a girls night out.

Never date a mama’s boy. I can tell you from friends’ experiences that these are the boys are the WORST. Sure, you want someone close to his family. But someone who needs to call his mother to consult where you should go for dinner? Or what shirt he should wear to the basketball game? Never a good sign. Ever. Ditch the dude who is constantly consulting his mother over you. There is a fine line between close and creepy (and pathetic. And annoying. Oh and did I say pathetic?)

Never date a guy who lets you make all the decisions, allll the time. You want someone who will sometimes counter your opinions and demands. But not all. “It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your boyfriend”

Never date a guy with no sense of humor. Let’s face it; (sadly) not every guy you meet makes you pee in your pants at dinner (literally) from laughing so hard. But someone who can never laugh at himself if he falls? Or make a joke? Or find humor in a situation? Or laugh at Family Guy?! Not only is that a boring relationship- but it will make it a brutal one. Who wants to date a Debbie Downer allll the time. No. Thank. You.

Never start dating a guy thinking you can change him. Been there, done that. Don’t think that all he needs to do is fall head over heels in love with you and then he will change his hard partying ways, will become overly romantic, stop smoking pot every night with his buddies or stop flirting with other girls when he’s drunk. People remain the same the majority of the time and you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartbreak if you think and hope otherwise.

Never date a guy who is 1000% your opposite. Sure we all know that Paula Adbul believes that “Opposites Attract” but lets face it, our dear Paula is going through yet another breakup (not to mention the video features her dancing with a cartoon cat… hmmm.) I’m not saying to date your clone- opposites can be good, but, like splurging on a diet- the key is in moderation. (ex: I blast Backstreet Boys and he wants Phish.) In general- take a good look at his character, are his goals, morals, values and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? Does he have the character traits that you think make him a guy of quality? Traits that are important to you and that you believe you have as well? If you are patient, willing to forgive and easy going and he is anal, blows up every time he’s angry and holds grudges- you may find yourself quickly not-so-attracted to all his opposites.

So there you have it- the guys not worth your while. So, add that up with the list of the guy you do want and well, some may say you’re being picky- I think particular sounds better. And fancier. And really, if people (your mother) calls you particular- pay no attention…After all, you deserve the best right? Right.