When I was in elementary school, my best friend told me that sex was “when a man puts his thing in a girl’s vagina.” That was the truest information about sex I’ve ever gotten from a friend. As I grew older, my friends started to tell me more and more things about sex, most of which were total lies.

It took forever for me to realize that my friends were clueless, and I bet most of yours are too. This is some of the absolute worst sex advice my friends have ever given me.

1. “If a guy goes down on you or fingers you, you HAVE to reciprocate!”

No. I. Don’t. Can’t a guy just do something nice for me without expecting something in return? Yes, he can. You aren’t expected to reciprocate anything if you don’t want to. I don’t give Santa Claus presents after he leaves me tons of gifts under my Christmas tree, I just bake him cookies. I’m sure some nights cookies will be a good enough reciprocation for your guy.

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Man does Kimmy K make a hot pink sweater dress look sizzlin’. The last time I wore one of those, I was in seventh grade and shopping at Hollister. I’m willing to bet that’s NOT where Kim purchased her pink frock though, last time I checked, Hollister wasn’t code for “titties that have their own brand name.”

Moving on. This month’s Cosmo wrapped up the last summer weeks and didn’t waste any time doing it. In a ‘Moves That’ll Make Him Melt’ article, Cosmo asked 100 dudes on the street their favorite weather seduction tricks. 15% of these weirdos claimed their number one seduction move was “Let me hose you down while you’re wearing a white tee shirt.” While I see the sex appeal in this, I also see little kids riding their three-wheels down the street starring at the wet t-shirt contest happening on the driveway. “Daddy, why are her boobies looking at me?”

After grazing past a pointless Facebook status decoder, a brief article on how to tell if he’s married, and a Bieber Beardology article (don’t ask – you don’t want to know) I ran across an interesting statistic. Did you know 36 percent of men say they’re more attracted to a woman if they’re using an iPad? As opposed to using what else, Cosmo? And where was this survey taken? A Genius Bar?

Then in a ridiculous Cosmo Life Weekend special, Cosmo laid out “His Perfect Weekend” in an upside down pyramid. Yep, like the food pyramid. Clearly, whoever made this was hungry and has completely lost all common sense about the male species. His favorite way to spend the weekend? Apparently, laying low with the GF…maybe renting a movie. I could see that, until I read the activity at the bottom of the pyramid (you know, where the Splenda and Carbs usually fit in); watching the game with his friends. OK Cosmo, in no way am I offended that he would probably rather fart on the couch and watch the NHL with his dudes, so let’s try not to make excuses for it, mmmk?

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When it comes to Cosmo, there are two things I believe in wholeheartedly:

1. It is best read in the privacy of your own bedroom (or bathroom).

2. Every celebrity that agrees to be on the cover signs an ‘airbrush the shiz outta my titties’ waver the moment they waltz in to the photoshoot with their bag of grapes and that teacup puppy in their purse.

Now, I don’t know for sure if Haley Williams has a puppy or likes grapes, but I do know that her boobs look like they were sketched by van Gogh himself. Work of art, people.

But let’s stop staring at Haley’s too-perfect cleavage, get comfy under the covers (or on the toilet – that’s OK, too) and get to the meat of Cosmo’s May issue.

First things first, in my favorite giggle section of the magazine, ’101 Things About Men,’ dudes were asked “what prompts you to propose to a woman?”  Wanna know what 62% of them actually said? “She does something amazing, I realize I want to be with her forever.” Ground breaking, right? I’m just really wondering what this ‘amazing’ thing entails; sprouting two va-jay-jays? Tying them up with our undies (we’ll get back to that later)? Hm. I’m gonna go with “just being ourselves” and hope for the best.

Next up: ‘How to Decode His Strut.’  I rubbed my hands together in anticipation…. then learned that “the power walker’ is ambitious and motivated. Thanks, Cosmo! I never could have come up with that intricate observation myself.  Do you think that for June you could help me decode my man’s blinking style? He twitches when we are up too late at night. Cosmo, does this mean he’s passionate and determined for success? Or that he thinks the cellulite on my thighs is sexy?

On the very next page, an article called ‘How Guys Really Feel About Your BO’ flitted past my eyes.  I chose not read on, because I’m a lady and I always smell like rainbows and unicorns and instead ran to the gym to get my stink on. Come to mama, boys! Read More »

The minute, and I mean the minute, I spotted Britney Spear’s discolored blond extensions on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, I grasped the magazine tightly in my fingertips, sighed extravagantly and hugged my copy. This means I get to read one of those famous Cosmo Quizzes filled out by B. Spears!

Which is so rad.

Except, is it just me or is Miss Spears just not the same as she used to be? She’s like the girl in high school who got pregnant after graduation and you saw her at your high school reunion wearing Candies. Oh, wait (hehe).  It’s OK Brit Brit; at least you didn’t scribble down “Beating Cars With Umbrellas” as an answer for “I Feel Most Powerful When…”

Anyway, after dissecting every word from Britney’s personally written interview, I moved on.  I predictably and shamelessly scanned the waxy pages of Cosmo and came across some of those “classic” [i.e. New Sex Survey!] Cosmo articles.  Amongst the extensive sex advice lived an incredibly pointless list of “Straight-to-DVD Movies We’d Like to See” in which Cosmo completely created a list of ‘fake’ movies  [i.e. a movie called; Vice Versa which features George Clooney and Justin Bieber]. This movie allows the two to switch bodies so it would be less creepy for grown women to sweat over Justin Bieber. One question, Cosmo: What grown women are actually breaking a hot sweat over J-Beebs?

Another one of my favorite articles was an entire spread dedicated to analyzing John Mayer’s G-Spot Geometry.  Need I go any further? For the sake of your well-being and mine, probs not.  But I will share another article with you, because I think it is so LOL-worthy.  It’s called, “Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks.” Great, a list! All the better and easier to poke fun, my dear! Read More »

It’s not easy being a woman. We only earn $.78 for every dollar dudes earn, we have to put up with things like periods and high heels, and—maybe worst of all—we’re constantly being bombarded with advice from lady mags, lady sites, and lady-oriented talk shows that purport to know what we should be doing to get thinner, sexier, and happier. Too often their tips are questionable at best and downright moronic at worst.

So starting this week, I’m going to be taking a look at the advice that falls into the “moronic” end of that spectrum. If I can convince even one girl to reconsider whatever’s being professed in her glossy of choice, I’ll sleep a little better at night.

Let’s begin by talking about sex, baby. Everyone who’s seen a drugstore magazine rack knows that the cover of any women’s magazine isn’t complete without some headline like “BETTER BONING: 113 Sex Tips to Rock His World.”

I don’t know what you guys think, but I’m pretty sure those articles always end up containing variations on the same 15 generic sex tips (“Be confident and tell him what you want.” “Send him naughty texts during the day.” Lather, rinse, repeat). But sometimes, instead of being boring and predictable, the pointers end up being flat-out crazypants.

While browsing through Cosmo’s “9 Erotic Tips to Rock Your World—and His,” for example, I came across this tip from one Cricket Richmond, who apparently wrote a book called Secrets of Sizzling Sex in 1994 (although it’s nowhere to be found on Amazon):

“Freeze some grapes in a Ziploc bag. Once they’re ice-cold, put them in your mouth. Then begin oral sex. The temperature and sensation produced by the grapes while you’re giving him oral sex is incredible.”

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