Sex is supposed to be fun, am I right?  Boys brag about it, girls gossip about it.  Its one of those things that just never gets old.  But are you finding that it’s just not as exciting as you remembered or wished?  You could be committing one (or all) of three cardinal mistakes, but if that is the unfortunate case, don’t worry.  Your Tango is here to help. They’ve researched and discovered three sex mistakes you should avoid.  Lucky for you, they’re very simple and easy to change! Click here to uncover what they found and the quick fixes to have you ready for action (literally)!

[lead image via vgstudio/ Shutterstock]

There was an oh-so-charming piece published in Esquire last week written by a gentleman who is fed up with all the mediocre sex he’s having. Despite the fact that sex requires (at least) two participants, he put the onus of his inadequate sex life on his partners. Because there’s nothing sexier than a dude who refuses to take any responsibility. Am I right, ladies? He describes his worst lovers as being unenthusiastic and uncommunicative, while simultaneously describing his own skills as somewhere around “adequate.” Because mere “adequacy” is a total panty-dropper. The article is definitely tacky and leaves a lot to be desired.

I was also less than thrilled with the general response I read from women. Women who failed to see any problem with choosing to be a dull lay instead of taking control of the situation or extracting themselves. The idea that women should only be as good as their partner in bed is utterly absurd to me. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – life is too short for bad sex. We can’t always control other people, but (ideally) we have agency over ourselves. If you’re not satisfied, it’s at least partially your fault.

Good sex takes work, on both partners’ part. The thing is, each person comes in with their own preferences, experiences, and skill sets. Sometimes they align, and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t,  communication is paramount. That may not be as sexy as being cosmically connected, but closed mouths don’t get fed. The only way a bad or incompatible lover can get better is to be given feedback. Unfortunately, some people fail to recognize the significance of things like saliva control, foreplay, rhythm…and if you end up consenting to relations with people like this, it’s your social responsibility to at least guide them a little bit. If not for your pleasure, then for the pleasure of every unsuspecting soul after you who ends up in bed with them. Consider it charity.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to choose whether you want great sex, or if you want boring/bad/mediocre sex. Society tries to instill in us the idea that as ladies, we’re supposed to be sexually passive, that we only have sex to satisfy others, that we don’t really have much to contribute to sex. But we are so much more than that, and we it owe it to ourselves to take control of  our sexuality and hold ourselves and our partners up to the high standards that we deserve.

What can a girl do if she’s more sexual than her guy? I never thought I would run into this problem, but I guess there’s a first to everything. I think I like sex more than the guy I am dating. Any time I am with him, I am totally turned on. That doesn’t mean I am constantly trying to get into his pants, but I can’t help that I’m super attracted to him. He would be totally fine having sex one or two times a week. Is he not sexually attracted to me? Is it possible that he’s just not that sexual? How do I talk to him about it?

Sincerely,

Girl With a High Sex Drive

Dear Girl With a High Sex Drive

Yes, it’s possible that he’s just not that sexual. No, it’s not possible he’s not sexually attracted to you since, well, he’ll have sex twice a week with you. Which is something. A bit below average for a hot and heavy honeymoon period, granted, but something. I hate to say it, but you in fact may be more sexual than him. Hey, it DOES happen.

There’s this prolifically far reaching and ever present stereotype that men are horndogs. We can’t get enough of it. We’re sex obsessed and possibly sex crazed. We crave it and are up for it anytime, anywhere, and, depending on our blood alcohol level, would be willing to have it with just about anyone with a vagina. Unless we’re bi and then just anyone with a hole. Do you hear that little pop? That’s the sound of me bursting the sit-com purported bubble.

There are guys out there who are in fact not completely driven by their libido. There are guys out there who do not think sex is the only thing that…well, matters. They DO exist. And you found one. And they’re not obsessed with sex for similar reasons that anyone might not be: low testosterone level, crappy past sexual experiences, abusive childhood, actually being a robot-TAKE YOUR PICK!

There’s a super easy way to talk to him about this: You say, “Look, this might just be me, it might be nothing, but I want to bring it up in case it’s not nothing.” Make it clear you’re not attacking him. Just wanting to be on the same page. If you approach it like that, you’re not going to be emasculating him. If he takes it that way, well, that’s an indication of a fragile libido ego…which is a whole different column to write about.

Protect and serve,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Would Jen Aniston ever do a “Friends” movie?

Why you shouldn’t judge Rihanna for her collabs with Chris Brown

The best kisses from Best Picture winners

Colorblocking on the cheap

Can a relationship work when the sex isn’t working?

How to date outside your “type”

Sacha Baron Cohen calls the Academy an evil dictator

Is it ok for your boyfriend to call other girls hot?

So, in between endless reruns of A-List and RuPaul’s Drag Race, LOGO airs a gem called Bad Sex. Ten people with varying levels of sexual dysfunction all seek help, but unlike most other “tough love” type reality shows, the person from whom they’re receiving therapy is a) sex positive and b) a certified sex therapist. Last week, I had the opportunity to interview Chris Donaghue, star of Bad Sex, and ask him about some of the sexual dysfunctions featured on the show.

CC: What is the premise of Bad Sex?
CD: It’s an exploration of the sex lives of 10 different participants, ranging from every gender, every sexual orientation, every age group. Bi, gay, straight, questioning. From sex addiction to sexual anorexia, love addiction and coming out stories. It’s not a gay show. There are only 2-3 people who are gay. It’s the kind of show that can tap into the heterosexual.

CC: How do you approach your patients?
CD: I’m not gentle, but I’m not penalizing.  You have to oscillate. It’s important to hold these people accountable to some of their bad behavior, but then you have to show up with empathy, and be loving and care-taking around more vulnerable patients.

CC: How do you identify a sex addiction?
CD: We’re at a time — culturally, socially, psychologically — where everyone is wanting to identify out of the norm and classify hypersexual behavior as a sex addiction. It’s kind of shaming some people’s sexuality. You can be hypersexual without it being addiction. Addiction is not about quantity. There’s no magic number. Everyone has an individual comfort level. It’s about the outcome. If your sex life is creating problems in your daily life, it’s a problem. If your sex life is creating shame and guilt, it’s a problem. If it’s impairing, it’s a problem. If you’re feeling confident and there are no negative consequences, it’s great. But, especially for women who enjoy sex, they may be labeled a slut. If you acknowledge that you love sex, and know you’ll be called a slut, you’re not going to carry around protection for fear of being labeled and you’re setting yourself up for negative consequences. The word “slut” needs to be eradicated.

CC: On the flip side, what is sexual anorexia? 
CD: Instead of acting out sexually, it’s a fear and avoidance and discomfort and rejection of sex.  It mirrors food anorexia. Sex anorexics don’t want to consume or talk about sex. There is a difference between a sexual anorexic and a late bloomer. A late bloomer is someone who holds off on sex, but they’re confident in their choice and they can own it and talk about it. Sexual anorexics have anxiety — they don’t want to think about it. It is usually born out of trauma.

CC: What is the most common sexual dysfunction?
CD: If I’m working with couples, disparate sexual desire — one partner wants sex way more than the other. Also, love and sex addiction, which is usually encouraged by the internet in that it is always accessible and confidential. Women and men are cheating online via webcams and sexting. It’s becoming compulsive and impulsive. They get caught up in it to the detriment of a healthy sex life.

CC: How does that happen?
CC: Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Sex became more attractive as a way to cope or check out. Their sex isn’t wholesome, healing or pleasure based. They have shame and guilt. They’re not having happy relationships. It happens when people get into a relationship, and they can’t handle another level of intimacy, so they get it taken care of out of the relationship. More men are sex addicts, more women are love addicts — obsessively reading romance novels, watching certain tv shows, starting online relationships, their whole life shrinks to one addiction.

CC: What role does self-esteem play in sexual dysfunction?
CD: Self-esteem is the basis of everything. It’s at the core. Getting more self-esteem is how you start to raise the bar and demand better, and don’t allow unhealthy behaviors or addictions.

CC: How do you start re-building self-esteem?
CD: Isolating problematic behaviors. Take a break and recover. Restructure life. Building a nurturing social circle. Engaging in romantic relationships that feel wholesome or nurturing. Finding a purpose in life.

CC: What is the neurology of sex?
CD: Everything that happens has a neurological aspect. Every change in our behavior creates a change in our brain. Love addiction or sexual anorexia reshapes your brain and you set up your brain to not welcome a relationship or it wants constant stimulation. You have to rewire your brain through changing your behavior.

CC: Why is our culture so sex-negative.
CD: We use words that show/imply embarrassment. We don’t say vagina, we say “down there.” I’m a fan of correct language. It’s okay to talk about sex and sexuality. Get the words out there so people don’t shudder. There’s so much shame in our bodies and our sexuality. Our culture, religion and education dump our issues on us and they teach us which words to use. Using “slut” and “down there,” I have to stop and say “do you mean…?” and don’t shame them.

CC: How do you communicate effectively?
CD: A lot of couples operate from a place of mind-reading. If sex isn’t feeling good or you’re interested in trying other things, tell them. It’s about getting comfortable having a conversation. At first your partner might be awkward, but you have to do it. Coming out is scary and it isn’t just for gay people. You come out over and over again, because your sex life might change. You have to work to express the range of your sexuality. Vocalizing how you feel.  Relax and allow yourself to receive. It’s okay to be self-absorbed. Sex challenges our body esteem. Get comfortable with your body and what it looks like and feels like.

Are you totally obsessed with him yet? A guy on TV promoting healthy, positive, non slut-shamey attitudes toward sex? I am! Catch Bad Sex on LOGO Fridays at 9:00pm. You can also stream the episodes at logotv.com!

So you’re dating someone who is super cute, nice, makes you laugh…and then wham! He sucks in the sack. …Or if you’re not quite there yet, he’s bad at kissing. So what’s a girl to do when she’s used to a certain…ahem, level of pleasure in both areas? Work with him, of course!

If there’s no investment in the guy and you’re simply hooking up with him but he’s bad at sex, it’s your call to pull a Jay-Z and say, “On to the next one,” or stick around. Trust me, there are plenty of guys with enough experience to satisfy your needs. But remember, choose wisely and know the dude’s sexual history. Good sex is great, but good sex plus an STD? Not so much. However, if you actually like the guy and he’s more than a 2 a.m. drunken roll-around in the sheets, stick around and see what you can do!

Let’s start with kissing. I’ve dated a terrible kisser before! I’m talkin’ lips protruding as if I was Marge and he was Homer Simpson. Yep, pretty bad. However, his personality was amazing! We had that witty text banter down, he made me laugh all the time and I thought he was the greatest guy I’d ever been with. But as our relationship continued, I knew that whole kissing thing had to be worked out. Rather than say anything to him (guys can be pretty sensitive about that stuff), I just started kissing him how I wanted it. Maybe he was used to kissing his ex-girlfriend that way, but over time he adapted to my way of kissing and things just went along from there.

If your guy is a slobber mouth, though, that’s a different story! I am pretty bold when I’m kissing a guy if there’s too much spit involved. I will literally take my hand and wipe the dudes mouth and then my own. Sometimes that’s all it takes! I guarantee he doesn’t like to be swimming in a spit-bath either, so do something like that from time to time and he’ll take the hint.

As for a guy that’s bad at sex, this may take a little more work. The one thing girls should know is that it’s always okay to tell him exactly what you want. In fact, guys dig that! Most guys want to please you as much as you want to please them, so get over being shy and get straight to whispering in his ear what you want next.

If it’s the mood that’s making sex awkward, try turning on some music! You can make the mood sexy and passionate with some Kings of Leon or have a silly sex sesh while cranking up You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates. (I guarantee you’ll both be laughing). The bottom line is that sex is better when you’re comfortable, so do whatever it takes to get you there.

If all else fails and you’ve got it bad for the guy, you can always talk to him about it, but be careful how you word it. Guys (especially typical college guys) have killer egos and might take your suggestion as an insult and run the other direction. But if your man truly respects and cares for you, he’ll want things to be the best they can and work with you to make either kissing or sex better.

Wanna see how he deals with sloppy kissers and less-than-ideal lays? Hop on over to COED Mag!

My first kiss
I was 19. I was at a party with a whole bunch of lesbians and one straight guy. After a few drinks, he found me appealing enough to kiss, and well, it was late enough in the evening that he had started looking like Justin Timberlake to me, so we started kissing. By this point, the party had wound down and we were the only ones still in the living room. In the process of making out, my dress and bra came off, and my first kiss went from G to PG-13/R with a quickness. After it was over, I was emotionally perturbed and anxious about the not-so-romantic way in which everything had occurred, and things were compounded the next morning, when I found out that we were in fact not alone in the living room…and that the witness to my shenanigans? Was a 15 year old boy (someone’s little brother had tagged along…so appropriate). While I’m certainly somewhat of an exhibitionist now, I certainly wasn’t back then, and I still get queasy about the fact that a strange child was 10 feet away at the very beginning of my deflowering process.

My first FWB.
He was a decade older than me. He was an ex-coworker’s ex boyfriend, which was kind of sticky in and of itself. And, I found out later, he was dating other people the entire time we were hooking up. Um, I’d like to at least actively consent to being the side ho, thank you very much.

That time I sobbed during sex.
This was less than a year ago. I was visiting my family for a week for Thanksgiving, which was stressful in and of itself. And I was majorly bummed about being separated from my boo (trust me, I felt sufficiently embarrassed/ashamed/pathetic). So we were having goodbye nookie, and I couldn’t hold it together and started bawling. One of those extremely ugly, but super cathartic cries. While he was still inside me. I feel like I’m often teetering on the brink of sanity, but that moment…I was feeling very girl, interrupted.

That summer I had an online fling with a dude from Craigslist.
I had moved to Washington, D.C. for a summer internship. It was towards the end of the summer and all of my friends were gone, and I was extremely lonely. Naturally, I turned to Craigslist, and really did had every intention of keeping things platonic with anyone I chatted with (my naivete is absolutely stunning at times, I swear). This guy emailed me, and he seemed totally normal at first…until he started talking about erotic asphyxiation. Yes, he got aroused by the thought of being choked and choking women. I was morbidly intrigued, and for several weeks, we sexted. Luckily, I always rebuffed his invitations to meet in real life, and I’m comforted by the fact that I never told him my last name, but I admit, I was a hot, vulnerable mess for awhile and that really could have gotten me into trouble.

Am I going to regret not writing this anonymously? It’s very possible. But I’m a huge proponent of talking about sex comprehensively – the good stuff, the bad, the scary, the erotic, the complicated…and the humiliating.

1. Surprise butt sex.
I get it. The anus and the vagina are pretty close together, especially in certain positions, and a guy could easily make a mistake and go for the other hole. That said, there’s a difference between the accidental poke (ie: the instigator apologizes profusely upon realizing the error of his ways) and a clearly premeditated anal sex attack, which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance (Really? You didn’t notice the complete lack of lubrication and the unusual tightness?) mixed with a ton of reluctance and a sad face when you don’t go along with it. Pure gauche.

2. Body shaming.
Being nude in front of someone else can be extremely scary. Most of us have at least one part of our body that we’re not 100 percent thrilled about, so when we get naked, we’re vulnerable.  So that means play nice. Whatever flaw you perceive your partner’s body to have? They’ve already noticed it. Don’t pinch someone’s fat and make a face (based on a true story). Don’t scoff at his penis. And don’t spend time exaggeratedly gagging at what you perceive to be excessive amount of genital hair – if that is really an issue, bring it up later, in a mature, thoughtful way. If you ultimately don’t find someone else attractive, that’s totally fine, but there is no reason to be hurtful or disrespectful about it.

3. Pressuring.
Let’s say you really want to try some new position, or introduce a toy, or role play, or whatever. And you express your desire to your partner, and they veto it. Let it go. Move on for now. Don’t whine, pout, or try to emotionally manipulate your partner into doing whatever it is you want to do. Not only is it extremely annoying, but it can also make your partner feel like their opinions aren’t valued.

4. Comparisons.
I’ve thought about other people during sex before. I’m sure all of our minds have wandered, thinking about past experiences or indulging in a little fantasy sex with the celeb of our choice. That’s normal. But, for example, if your partner is going down on you and you can’t stop thinking about the way your ex used to do it, absolutely, under no circumstances, should you say anything like, “Oh, Brandon used to [do it like this/do it so much better].” You can guide your partner without bringing up someone else, especially someone you’ve banged before. That is insensitive, rude and callous.

5. Unwanted aggression
First of all, I’d like to address the practice of men pushing women’s heads down when we’re giving head. For any guys reading this, that is a big bundle of no. If you want us to go harder, faster, deeper, use your words. Most of us have gag reflexes, and we have to work up to porn star BJs. Calm down. On a more general note, please keep it consensual, all the way. If your partner seems hesitant, slow down, communicate, make sure you’re on the same page. Consent is a dynamic concept, and you can’t assume that the second clothes come off, everything is on the table.

Seriously, I can’t keep track of the weekend recaps I’ve heard from my friends who got drunkface and did something with someone that they regret. Whether it’s hooking up with someone inappropriate and disgusting or merely hooking up with someone sooner than expected, alcohol was often the catalyst for Sunday morning woes of despair over brunch. There was recently an article posted on Jezebel that confirmed my suspicions that people often use alcohol as a (wobbly at best) crutch. College culture totally condones drunken sexual shenanigans, and while I don’t want to be all judgmental and conservative, I can’t help but find this trend alarming.

I’m the queen of awkward social interaction, so I totally understand the appeal of drinking until you can’t feel your feelings any more, because it suddenly becomes a lot easier to relate to people. But there’s a difference between having enough drinks to be relaxed, and drinking until you’re making decisions that you don’t even want to associate yourself with. Seeing as how hooking up is intrinsically intimate,  I think it’s something that you should always be capable of consenting to.  The issue of consent is one of extreme importance, because it’s important to be in a state of mind to communicate what you want before miscommunication turns into sexual assault or rape.

On a less heavy note, it’ really doesn’t seem like it’s in anyone’s best interests to consistently engage in behavior they’re ashamed of. It’s not conducive to being happy, and it’s not conducive to feeling pleasure. Sex is complicated and wrought with potential problems, but at the end of the day, sex is supposed to feel good. You shouldn’t feel icky or disgusting. You shouldn’t feel a knot in your stomach. You shouldn’t finish a session and be unable to sleep because you’ve sobered up, realized what you’ve done, and you’re trembling from anxiety and nausea. If you choose to talk about your sexcapades with someone, you shouldn’t use disparaging adjectives to describe how you feel about yourself afterwards. Even if the experience sucked, it should suck because you two were incompatible for whatever reason, not because it wasn’t something you intended or really wanted to do.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t drink and hookup, or that the only fulfilling life is a sober one. I do think, however, that if you are using anything other than your own desire as an excuse to do something, that’s not okay.

I’ve only gotten in two fights with my roommate since the day we were blindly assigned to one another the summer before our freshman year. The first was about Dr. Green on ER and how he died. I’m not proud to say, it ended with me throwing a remote before storming out of the room and slamming the door. Also, she was right.

The second, and more recent, was about faking an orgasm. The conversation started with a debate and subsequent Google search about whether or not a guy can fake it (he can, which we’ll get to), and turned in to her scolding me as I tried to list of the many reasons why I think faking it is totally acceptable in certain situations.

“You’re ruining it for the next girl!” she screamed as she paced the room. (Seriously, she was taking it so personally, you’d have thunk she got my tainted sloppy seconds or something.)

And I know that; it’s not like I hadn’t heard that argument before. I’ve also heard “he wants to please you, so tell him how,” and “every girl is different so you have to show him what you like.” Hell, my human sexuality teacher even chimed in once with, “you gotta speak up when you want something…especially when that something is an orgasm.” Yeah, that’s awkward in a 9 a.m. lecture.

The point is, I get it. You shouldn’t fake it. It’s bad to fake it. It’s rude to fake it.
But the truth is, there’s an exception to every rule. And in the case of fakin’ a big O, there are three.

1. It’s a random hook up.
When it’s a one night engagement between two people who know nothing about each other beyond how many drinks it takes to get the other naked, there’s no use in wasting time with a map and Power Point presentation of your erogenous zones. So you throw your bra and his jeans across the room and hope for the best. And when it’s actually the worst, well, you fake it, let him fall asleep, and kick him out/grab your things and run home before there’s the slightest chance for another round in the morning.

2. It needs to end. Like, yesterday.
It’s sad but all too true: some guys have no effing clue what they’re doing in the bedroom. No joke, it’s like they learned their moves from the power tools as Home Depot. And it’s awful, mind boggling and sometimes even downright painful. You could stop them, explain why jackhammering you with this look on their face is bad, and give it another go…..or you could fake it, wait until they’re not in the deep throes of “passion” (if that’s what they call it) and find a more opportune moment to give them a much needed lesson on pleasuring a lady.

3. He’s a sensitive little bugger.
Maybe it’s because I take constructive criticism really personally, but I have a really hard time critiquing others, whether it’s my family dog who pees on the carpet (“it’s OK, Sophie; I can see how you mistook the gray carpet for grass”) or a boyfriend in a most intimate moment (“No, it’s totally fine when you’re done after 15 seconds!”). I just can’t stand the thought of making him feel bad when he’s clearly trying so hard. And, yeah, maybe it only delays the inevitable, but I’d rather give him the big confidence boost of putting a smile on my face with a little fake yelp, than have to tell him that no one likes it when a guy licks inside their belly button. Call me a pussy, but I just don’t want to risk an awkward crying moment.

Look, I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this – and many will do so vehemently – but I also know that 70% of women have reported faking an orgasm, which means that there are lots of ladies out there who have their own reasons for flexing their bedroom acting muscles.

What are your reasons?

And in case you’re wondering, guys can and do fake it, too. Crazy, right? Find out why, right here.