While flipping through the channels last night during primetime, I discovered the real reason why our favorite shows go off the air during the summer: to make way for the sh*tshow that is summer television, which leaves us begging for The Office and House come September.

It’s the perfect advertising strategy: cut off the supply of good shows, and the viewers will demand that the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy be moved up several weeks. But it’s absolute torture for the rest of us.

That is not to say all summer TV is bad. True Blood and Mad Men are perhaps two of the greatest shows on television, period, despite the fact that they premiere during the summer. But take a look the other night’s TV listings, and you’ll want to cringe along with me: America’s Got Talent, Big Brother, More To Love? Nothing even halfway decent to watch!

My DVDs are the only things keeping me going. When I find that there’s just nothing good on TV, I’ll pop one of my favorite shows in the DVD player and pretend it’s fall sweeps. Of course, maintaining the same level of interest and excitement becomes difficult after a while, especially since I’ve watched the third season of Gilmore Girls so many times that I can recite it all the way through. But when the reality shows start gearing up in the evening, I need something else to escape to.

So I spend my evenings researching when my favorite shows will return. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

So You Think You Can Dance: September 6th
90210: September 8th
Gossip Girl (woohoo!): September 14th
30 Rock: September 15th
The Office: September 17th
House and Heroes: September 21st
Grey’s Anatomy: September 24th
Desperate Housewives: September 27th

Oh, sweet September. I can’t wait to see you.

Life isn’t black and white. As much as we wish we simply loved or hated things, there is often that whole annoying gray area in the middle. Like how we love the idea of a monokini, but we just don’t know if we can pull it off. Or how we love making money babysitting, but hate giving up a Saturday night. Damn you, gray area; you make decision-making that much more complicated!]

Anyone who knows me knows not to call on Tuesday nights. Not only is it Biggest Loser night, but it also happens to be the best night of my week because of one thing only: The Real Housewives. I don’t care if they are from Orange County, Hot-lanta or New York, I can’t get enough of these women.

Yet now that The Real Housewives of New Jersey are on the (polluted) horizon, I’m starting to feel a little confused inside about my love for couture catfights and $16,000 handbags.

Yes, ladies, I’m torn. It’s time to break it all down.

Love It:
Rich women doing fabulous things and talking about one another behind everyone’s backs? It’s like my dream life. I’m really good at the sh*t talking, but I’m seriously lacking in the Chanel bags and Louboutin heels, so it’s nice to live out my dreams through a Bravo TV show. And the drama, while totally blown out of proportion, is just so addicting. Whoever casts this show did a fantastic job of bringing far too many Type A women into one social circle, ultimately leading to many a manicured claw fights.

And could there be anything more entertaining than watching Evil Vicki trip and fall down a stair? Or Nay Nay making fun of her tranny bff, Kim? Or Bethenny (attempting to) open a can of ‘tude on Kelly Bensimon? Short answer: no. There is nothing better. Because drama in your social circle is never fun, but watching rich women drown themselves in it is the best thing since $5 footlongs at Subway.

Loathe It:
I like to think that I’m sorta smart, so I’m embarrassed to not only watch this show, but be totally addicted to it. And know every last detail. Including what kind of heels Jill’s daughter wanted to pack for her summer abroad. (Marc Jacobs. Pathetic, I know.)

Shouldn’t I be watching documentaries on Discovery Channel, or some weird show on TLC? And should I really be contributing to the further success of these rich-tards? With the exception of a few (Bethenny, for sure), these women contribute nothing to society except a few photos for Page 6 and a reason for my mother to call me at 9am on a Saturday to discuss the episode she just watched on her DVR.

We should be giving our attention to people who actually impact our world in a positive way, instead of these useless women who do nothing but lunch and shop and bitch. And then wake up the next day to do it all again. Yes, some of them work, but many of them just marry rich and set an example that money and wealth is the key to happiness. Is that true? Maybe. But is that realistic? Hell no.

And I can’t ignore the fact that this show takes my blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Without fail I end up on my feet (thus dumping my evening snack of dry Kashi Go Lean! all over my floor) yelling at the TV. These women are ridiculous and I can’t handle watching them say and do the dumbest sh*t! And now my snack is on the floor! And now I’m angry at myself because I care so much about this! And now I have to pause it so I can clean up the mess I just made.

Roar!

I know that it’s just a show and I should enjoy it if I want to, but watching this show gives these women power and success they really do not deserve. Is my guilty pleasure really worth elevating these label whores to a higher level, wasting precious cereal and potentially giving me wrinkles?

I just don’t know. I’m totally torn!

The Nielson Company’s “Three Screen Report” is now saying that the average American is watching 151 hours of television a month, or about 5 hours a day. Couch potatoes everywhere are uniting around the remote to enjoy hours and hours of mindless, inexpensive fun. It’s so easy to get sucked in, so this increase is no surprise to me: just flick on the screen, flip through a couple channels and you are set for the night (or almost a third of your day, apparently).

But what boggles my mind is not the amount of TV we are watching, but the quality. Have you turned on your TV lately? Oh, wait – of course you have. For at least 5 hours a day. 90% of the stuff on there is mind numbing or trashy crap. Even I am embarassed by the dribble that’s currently clogging my DVR.

Knowing that people are spending more time watching any of these 10 horrid TV shows makes me nervous. With this stuff taking over our lives, our country is in for some (more) real problems.

True Beauty

Hole in the Wall

The City

Real Chance at Love

The Real Housewives of NYC

Howie Do It

Sex With Mom and Dad

Manswers

Nanny 911

Parental Control

Of course I would spend every high school moment from that morning bell—which seemed to ring earlier and earlier as my senior year wore on—to the final bell with my friends by my side. I was part of a bunch of different groups, all of which met after or before school and surrounded me with people. But at home, I had solitude.

With both my parents working and my brother off at college, I spent many nights doing homework, watching bad television and heating up leftovers all by myself. Some may think that would be lonely, but I really liked the peace and quiet.

It’s never quiet here. And sometimes I like it; with all the commotion, I haven’t had time to get homesick or have a culture shock freak out. There’s a feeling of community when I walk around campus and see someone I know or when I strike up a conversation with a stranger in the dining hall. Yet every once in awhile I realize… I never have a moment to myself.

I don’t sing anymore. No, I wasn’t a good singer, but I used to belt out lyrics while driving to school or doing some late-night studying with the radio on, my iPod providing a soundtrack for every occasion. Now, even when I’m sitting alone in my dorm room, I know anyone can walk by and hear me. When I’m walking alone around campus I know there is probably a person around the corner. And when I study in the library, I have to stop every three minutes to talk to a person who saw me and wanted to say hello.

In some ways I love that there are people always wanting to say hello. I’ve never been so friendly to so many people before, and I think some of them will actually become life-long friends, not just Orientation-buddies. But I also love the sound of silence, and there is precious little of that in college. Someone is always chatting loudly on her phone or blasting bad rap music from her car or playing the piano in the common room. Endless chatter, the bass of a car stereo and the notes of a musical instrument: this is my new soundtrack.

And soon I will learn to sing along with it, but for now I will start with just a tap of a foot, and maybe a hello in the library.

[Join CollegeCandy's Facebook group for even more tales from college girls just like you!]

So, needless to say, TV wasn’t a big part of my childhood. That was fine by me; I spent my time outside and learning how to play guitar.

When I moved out and into dorms at 18, I still didn’t watch TV much. I think there was one in my dorm, but I wouldn’t have noticed either way. It just wasn’t a part of my life. But when I moved in with new roomies in a real apartment when I was 19, everything changed. Not only did we have a TV, but we had every channel (not to mention On Demand and, mmmm, DVR). I learned to love TV.

In fact, I’m watching it right now.

Since I have spent a few years getting to know the ins and out of this tube and the entertainment that it so benevolently offers me, I have noticed that there are some very bad people on TV. And I love lists. So, naturally, I made a list of the worst people on TV.

1. Heidi Montag. You suck. Not only have you clearly devoted your life to looking like Barbie and dating a douchier version of Ken, but you are also retardedly incompetent and talentless. Congrats, Heidi. (Note: Tied for#1 is her douchier version of Ken, Spencer Pratt. Get a job and get out of my life.)

2. Blair Waldorf. You might just be a fiction character, Blair Waldorf (like Heidi isn’t?), but your character blows. You are a very mean girl who has nothing to do with her life. The sad thing is that girls, like my current roommate, think you’re actually someone to emulate. Puke.

3. Celia Hodes. I love the show Weeds, Celia, but you are definitely not why. Your trainwreck of a character is a walking double-standard, an ache in my viewer’s side. Basically, you’re a hot mess. You’re a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad worker. WTF are you good at? I hate you.

4. Carlos Mencia. You are not funny. You are not funny. You are not funny. Not only are you not funny, but you’re annoying. The 15 minutes I once spent trying to get your annoying voice out of my head might have been my worst 15 minutes of my life. Thank you.

5. Ali Lohan. We don’t need another Lohan in our faces. It’s simple. And on top of that, you’re not your sister (though you sure do try). Why don’t you finish high school and then go find a life of your own?

Anyone else who makes you want to claw your eyes out? Elizabeth Hasselback? Oprah Winfrey? Alex Trebek?

[Photo from: seat42f.com]

The highlights are below.

Having Heidi, Spencer and Tyra in one place should really cause the world to implode, no? That’s a whole lot of douche for one stage. I don’t even really know where to begin. Maybe with Heidi’s awful Heidiwood ensemble? Or the fact that she and Spencer have been denying for two years that they had anything to do with the tape, only to openly discuss it on national television? (Although, this is the Tyra show; it really doesn’t count.) Or when Spencer, so eloquently, discusses his distaste for watching Lauren’s alleged sex tape. Or, my favorite, when Heidi admits that she was in surgery (getting those boobs/lips/facelift) the day the rumor of the video hit the world.

These two never seize to amaze me.

And I can’t wait to see what they do next.

]]>