I’m not good at much – just ask my IM volleyball team – but if there is one thing I’ve mastered in my lifetime, it’s the art of drinking. It’s not like it came naturally; I’ve devoted much of my adult life to hitting the bottle. It’s been a lot of hard work, dry heaves and hairs of the dogs that bit me, but I am finally a boozing master.

And being that I am a self-proclaimed expert in the subject, I think it is imperative that I share some of my hard earned knowledge with the world. You see, drinking is a difficult task and there are many things to know in order to truly be good at it. Namely: the things that don’t mix well with alcohol.

You may feel the need to go out and try these combos for yourself, but just trust me on this one and stay far, far away from the following mixers:

1. Cereal: Lucky Charms and Baileys sounds like a delicious combo, but it is not. Especially before a long day of classes.

2. Automobiles: Obviously, everyone (well, everyone besides those morons in Hollywood) knows that driving drunk is dumb. But so is riding in the back of a cab. With a window that doesn’t work. You never know how far vomit can splash until you are in that situation.

3. Going commando: There is something about the combination of alcohol and the desire to constantly lift one’s skirt that just doesn’t quite work.

4. Serious talks: If you need to have it out with someone you know, doing it while drunk is not a good idea. Unless, of course, you like screaming/crying/punching/hugging in the middle of a busy street.

5. Cameras: Dropping it and watching the screen shatter while doing the worm in the middle of a dance floor is the least of your problems. In fact, after realizing the sh*tshow that is documented on that memory card, it may just be the solution.

6. Bunk Beds: Top or bottom, you will get injured.

7. Fine Dining: You may think a fine meal isn’t complete without a (few) bottle(s) of wine, but I’m sure the bus boy who has to wipe up your vomit from under the table would disagree.

8. Tights: They look totally hot with that mini, but aren’t so wonderful after you break the seal and have to pee every 10-12 minutes for the rest of the night.

9. Fire: No explanation needed.

10. Slides: “OMGEEE IT WOULD BE SO FUN TO SLIDE DOWN THAT RIGHT NOW…FACE FIRST,” says the girl who now is missing the skin from the right side of her face.

True story. All of them. Just heed my advice and be careful out there.

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But this doesn’t need to be the case! One of the creamiest, tastiest variations of the frozen mudslide is perfect for holiday parties…or simply to satisfy a simultaneous craving for booze and pumpkin pie.

You need:

*1 can of pumpkin pie filling

*vodka

*Bailey’s Irish Cream

*milk

*ice

*whipped cream

*cinnamon

*a blender

It’s so easy, yet you’re sure to impress all of your friends by introducing them to this festive autumn libation. Simply fill the blender with ice and pour in 2 oz each of vodka and Bailey’s. Add a heaping scoop of pumpkin pie filling, and fill the rest of the blender with milk. Blend it up and serve in a hurricane glass, topped with whipped cream and sprinkled with cinnamon. It’s smooth, creamy, and tastes just like Thanksgiving dessert.

Delicious!

7 a.m.: Wake up. Still drunk from the bar last night? Mayyyybe.

9 a.m.: Arrive at the football stadium; crack your first beer.

9 a.m.-Noon: Tailgate your face off. Tailgating activities may or may not include: Beer pong, funneling, shotgunning, and general raging.

Noon: Kickoff. You’re highly buzzed, but still careful not to spill your overpriced stadium beer as you shake your foam finger at the other team.

7 p.m.: You pass out. Hey, it was a long day, man.

Now that’s what I call a waste of a Saturday night. I know that rallying for almost 12 hours straight can take its toll. Especially when you’re running on a few hours of sleep after a killer Friday night. But if you pace yourself, and plan your evening effectively, there’s no reason that you can’t take in both the football game and a killer kegger (or two).

1. Don’t Chug, Chill.

Get too drunk too quickly, and you’re likely to pass out before halftime, let alone make it till midnight. Tailgating festivities often require heavy drinking, so if you find yourself partaking in a shotgun contest, follow the beer with a water. Spreading out your alcohol intake will allow you to last longer. Afterall, following a tailgate with a party is like a party marathon. And don’t they tell marathon runners to pace themselves so they can make it to the finish line? Oh, the things college kids could learn from athletes.

2. Counteract with Caffeine.

Pound a Redbull on the way to the game, or start your bar night with a vodka and Redbull. Still chilly in your student section hoodie? Bring a thermos of coffee to the tailgate…then spike it with Bailey’s. Yum! Even if you’re really tired, however, monitor your caffeine intake. One or two cups of coffee or one energy drink should get you through the day.

3. Keep the Adrenaline Pumping.

If the excitement level declines, you’re energy is bound to follow suit. Your adrenaline is rushing as you cheer on your football team, and then you lose momentum in the downtime between the game and the party. Arrange a rowdy post-game dinner of wings and pizza with your fellow tailgaters, so you can recount all the great plays. It’ll keep you pumped, and you won’t even realize how much time has passed between your first beer and your last shot. Then, when you get to the party, keep yourself going by chatting up a hottie or signing up to be on the first beer pong team.

4. Steam Up Your Second Wind.

You’ve been up for hours, hanging out in the cold (and possibly rainy) weather. Beer is seeping out your pours. Take a long, hot, steamy shower. The hot water will wake you up and make you feel clean and ready to go again. Besides, staying fresh and clean might also help stave off the germs that’ll take their toll in flu form come Monday. AND you can always chug a beer in between shampooing and conditioning.

5. Powernap…Before it’s Too Late.

Positive you’re not going to make it? Throw in the towel early, and salvage the rest of your night. Taking a nap at 5 or 6 leaves plenty of time to sober up, recharge, and get ready to rage. If you keep drinking and try to make it to the post-party kickoff, you might crash at 9 or 10, only to sleep through the night and kick yourself in the a.m.