In my hometown, there is a special unofficial holiday that celebrates Thanksgiving the day before Thanksgiving. This night is usually referred to as “Black Wedesday” — a play on words of the insane shopping day that is “Black Friday.” Clever, I know. This is a huge night to go out to the bars. You can find every college student home for winter break and every other resident in town with no work the next day out celebrating, and what better way to get a head start on celebrating Turkey Day than going out to the bars and getting completely wasted? That is the mindset I had going into my first Black Wednesday experience last year, and oh boy, was I wrong or what?

In my experience, this night can go one of two ways: 1) a fun and memorable night out with friends and family or 2) a drunken blur that ends with your head in a toilet.

Having dealt with the latter of those two options on my last night out on Black Wednesday, I would not want any other girl to go through the drunken hot mess of a night I did. It’s important to go out and have a good time, but it more important to a) make it home alive and b) not be so hungover you can’t stomach that second helping of mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. So I have complied a few tips to help any girl survive Black Wednesday.

1. Stay at one bar the whole night

I know this doesn’t sound like fun, but trust me, this is a good tip. On Black Wednesday, the bars are so overcrowded that you can barely move. And with the overcrowded bars, comes long lines outside those bars. Try to get your group of friends to agree on one bar to stay at and park there the whole night. You will not regret this. I’m from the Midwest, so it’s basically below zero by the end of November, and it was last year on Black Wednesday. I spent more time waiting in lines in the rain, freezing my ass off and getting soaked, than I did inside the actual bars. Not fun.

2. Do not over do it

I have heard many people refer to this night as “Black(out) Wednesday” but this is not the way to having a successful night. Of course, I can’t be a hypocrite and say that I have never gone overboard with the booze, but I can say that this night in particular is not a good one to over do it. On this night, you will most likely run into every person you have ever known since birth. These people will include: your religious education teacher, your sophomore year lab partner, your ex-boyfriend, your ex-best friend, a copious amount of your parents’ friends, and every single person from your graduating class. This night is basically like a three hour long passing period or an early high school reunion. The last thing you want to be when running into all these people (especially the ex-boyfriend, yikes!) is a drunken mess with beer spilled down your dress and vomit in your hair. Obviously it’s more than okay to get a good buzz going, but make sure that you can carry on a coherent conversation and show everyone what an amazing young woman you have become.

3.  Save your money

On Black Wednesday, the bars in my town are well aware that this will be one of the busiest nights they have. So what better way to make more money than to raise their prices? And they do just that. And everyone is too drunk and merry to notice. That is until you open your empty wallet the next morning. I am not sure of the exact amount I spent during my last outing on Black Wednesday, but I do remember buying a round of Vegas Bombs for my entire senior year math class. Just take a lesson from me — don’t do that. Pregame (for a lot cheaper) before going out to the bars, and maybe just stick to nursing one or two drinks for the rest of the night.

I guess the unofficial fourth tip would be to just have fun! This night is a great opportunity to catch up with people who you may have lost touch with over the past couple of years. Many look at Black Wednesday as another excuse to get completely annihilated and make a fool of themselves, but go a different route this time. Enjoy the night so that you can also enjoy the next day! Turkey Day! Trust me, you don’t want your Nana to ask you at the Thanksgiving dinner table if you “hit the bottle hard last night.” Been there.

Do you guys have Black Wednesday in your hometowns? Does it have the same connotations as mine does?

Despite reports that there was a massive blizzard outside, I sat inside and got ready to go out for the night. All the news reports recommended staying in. But, like usual, I thought I knew better than the news. I assumed that checking weather.com daily qualified me to be a meteorologist. At the very least, it qualified me to change my last name to Roker on my Facebook profile. So in the face of the oncoming “blizzard,” my friends and I got dressed, did our hair and headed out to a party.

It was freezing cold and snowflakes were blowing into parts of my body even my gynecologist hadn’t explored. So we hailed a cab and hopped inside. The car swerved, it swooped, and it stalled. At one point I’m pretty sure we were just gliding on ice. The cab driver even hung up with whoever was on the other end of that Bluetooth.  And at that moment I realized how serious things were.

I haven’t felt that unsafe since I stood up on Space Mountain.

We arrived at our destination and were forced to turn into human snowplows in order to even find the door. It took so long that I actually constructed an igloo just to take a quick break from tunneling. And then to add insult to injury, the party sucked. Maybe it’s because my hair had turned into mini-icicles or maybe it’s because I was amputating my frost-bitten toes on the couch,  but every other guest at the party (which was, like, 5 wet people) was giving me dirty stares. I took the hint and left.

My friends and I decided we should bar crawl back to the apartment since there was no way we were getting back into a cab. The North Pole Bar Crawl started off with a bang as we walked from one empty bar to another. Apparently no one else went out. Apparently everyone else knew that this “blizzard” wasn’t just rumor.

By the time I reached my apartment, I had a broken hip from falling so much and new knee-high aqua-socks which were formally referred to as my nice leather boots.

As I peeled off my wet jeans thawed out my fingers over my hairdryer I realized that I once again learned my lesson the hardest way: I do not need to go out every single weekend night. It’s okay for me to stay in when the weather’s bad and the National Guard is warning people not to leave their homes. This isn’t college anymore, after all.

St. Patty’s Day is just around the corner, people! What does that mean? Well, green teeth, for one. But it also means it’s time to break out all that green wear so you don’t get pinched by a bunch of drunk Irish people. But getting festive doesn’t mean you have to give up looking cute.

Au contraire! I’ve scouted the web to find some mighty cute St. Patty’s day options. So cute, in fact, that you can wear them all year round. Leave the Leprechan hat at home this year. Whether you are up for Kegs and Eggs at 4am, or playing (green) beer pong long into the night, this St. Pat’s day you are going to do it in style.

If you’re gonna do the Irish pub or bar crawl thing, you can go casual with a simple cotton top or feminine cardigan and a cute pair of jeans…

If you’re hittin’ up the club for a night out, you’ll need a sassy and sexy top, like any of these…

For you lucky ducks who live in warmer weather climates and will be celebrating the day in some nice spring sunshine, here are some lighter options…

And if you’re just lookin’ for a hint of green, accessories and shoes are the way to do it. I mean, come on, how cute is this stuff?!

Now it’s time to get out there and see if the luck o’ the Irish really works.

1. Wall Decals- The best way to make your dorm room or apartment look more legit. It looks like it’s hand painted or wallpaper, but- surprise! – it’s a removable decal. So leave those drinking posters with the ripped corners to the boys. You can find them in fun shapes, pictures, sayings – you name it – there is a decal for it. Click here for another great option!

2. T-shirt quilt. So you have 5 bajillion t-shirts from the 5 bajillion bar crawls, Powder Puff football games, Halloweens, college sports teams, etc. Some have holes, some don’t fit (thank you, Freshman Fifteen), but mostly you just don’t have enough room in your tiny closet, or enough days in the year, to wear all of them. But you can’t seem to part with them given that each has a fabulous drunken story behind it. Solution? The T-shirt quilt. It’s a bit pricey but it’s a way to keep them forever without sacrificing room in your closet.

3. Almond Breeze ‘Milk’. It’s yummy, all natural and super low calorie. Not to mention it’s a great alternative to dairy and soy and since the studies on soy being good/bad for you is more fickle than Britney Spears’s sanity, this milk is definitely worth loving.

4. Stuff White People Like. A blog-turned-book that is incredibly entertaining. But don’t leave it on a plane for the flight attendant to find; he will think you are a racist. I know this because it happened to me. Not at all awkward OR uncomfortable.

5. Kiehls Lip Balm #1. Nothing sucks more than dry lips – well, except maybe Gonorrhea or Diarrhea. But this lip blam helps tackle dry lips all winter long. Love, love, love it.

A growing sense of disdain for Dubya didn’t cut it. Being able to register at the DMV just didn’t do the trick either. P. Diddy couldn’t get us to do it, for Christ’s sake. So just what will it take to seriously win the youth vote? We are, after all, 20 million strong and dammit we deserve to be wooed!

I, for one, would like to see an increase in, shall we say, “game” from candidates both blue and red. McCain, obviously, has taken a step toward this lofty goal by recruiting the support of one of our high holy leaders. Sorry, Obama, that you have neglected to secure such a prestigious pledge of loyalty from the chosen generation (us, duh) but feel free to borrow any of these gems that I think would increase voter turnout for those of the youthful persuasion. You see gentlemen, the key to our hearts is to manipulate our basic dependence upon the following:

Natty Lite

Slap some platform positions on the back of those bad boys and cover up the saddening nutrition facts–we don’t need to see that anyways. I consider this a double-edged sword. Not only would the important issues be readily at hand (provided you go coozie-less), but additionally, voters can appreciate the conversational lubrication that is cheap beer. As inspiring as 4.2% alcohol can be to philosophical convos (if you drink, don’t EVEN pretend you’ve never been there post bar crawl!) that stuff takes a while to imbibe, making those discussions last just a wee bit longer. Now that a pseudo intellectual discush has gone down, both candidates have enjoyed spirited (literally) debate over their issues that should inspire sober consideration come November.

Facebook.

Okay so beyond groups, events, Flair, etc., Facebook remains a largely untapped renewable resource that neither of the candidates have considered drilling off the coast of. I, however, have pondered many a time just what my life would be like should bumper stickers ever be converted into useable currency. The first guy who figures out how to do this (come on Congress, I know you’ve thought about it too!) could easily channel the power of a demographic that has more disposable free time than disposable income. Split it down the middle of the “recently popular category”– McCain gets all proceeds from those vintagey pastel ones with witty quips and Obama nabs all those concerning Edward Cullen, whoever he is. Convert those bad boys to campaign donations and hot damn we might just end world hunger.

Pizza.

A dietary need for everyone from Rhodes Scholars to Stoners, and all of us in between. If only the powers that be had thought to harness this essence of cheesy, carby goodness. So it may seem a little unorthodox, but hey, this is def a ground breaking race. So to demonstrate just how far you would go to serve your people (sit down McCain) I’m almost positive that door to door delivery of pies is the way to go. It proves you’re omnipresent (watch out terror!), punctual (30 minutes or it’s free!) and dedicated to the needs of your public (fatty deliciousness.)

Thirsty Thursdays.

A hallowed staple of coeds across the nation, Thursday nights are a beacon of hope throughout a heavy week of exams, papers, and lectures that make it seem like Friday will never come. So we said f*ck it, started the weekend early and vowed to slog through hungover Friday classes. I think this kind of pluck and determination should be recognized by the men fighting for our loyalty. Personally, I feel that there’s a lot to be said for the ability of wasted people to recall song lyrics– attend any AYCD with a Dave Matthews Cover Band and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Boys, I’m thinking you should use the power of blind conformity to your advantage and have O.A.R. write your campaign songs from now on; let the sound of your manufactured ideals pour into your ears from the mouths of random drunks of our great country. Conversely, I am a staunch adversary of drinking and driving, and I’m sure you both are too. To reinforce your standpoint, I suggest you put your money where your billion dollar defense budget is: pay our cab fare for the ride home!

So there you have it: our necessities. And unless you can find a way to guarantee state sponsored booty calls (this would be a good time to consider Spitzer for a running mate) you just won’t get any closer to secure the “youth vote.” Of course I realize that these are highly generalized (some might even suggest degrading) paths to our vote, but so far the best anyone’s come up with is MTV cramming their airtime with veejays and celebrities urging us to “rock the vote.” So, ya know, until the grown ups figure out we’re capable of intelligent thought and all, any more brilliant ploys our future president can use to earn our vote?

This mantra grows increasingly ineffective the longer I am forced to live under the same roof as my mother. If you are lucky enough to have left behind your home home for your school home, then God bless you, throw a kegger in your living room (on a motha effing TUESDAY!) If you, like me, have yet to escape your personal circle of hell, I’ve compiled a small guide to maintaining your sanity as well as familial relations for the remainder of this short (but dear Allah, oh so long) stint back home. Because, let’s face it, being disowned would be counterproductive if your parents still pay the majority of your tuition/rent/medical bills and whatnot.

Scenario: You come home from a bar crawl, unhappy matriarch/patriarch up and awaiting your return, toe tapping a Morse code slew of disapproving comments.

Solution: Passive Aggression. Outwardly, bow your head and accept the berating and “Not under my roof” nonsense. Avoid eye contact, showcasing your humility and apologetic demeanor, all the while making easier your inner thought process: “Haha! You are merely projecting your jealousy onto me because you can’t go out till 3 am! At school, this is an early night! Mwahaha!”

Immature, yes. But engaging dear old Dad in a heated debate about your rights as an adult probably won’t go over so well right now. At a more convenient time, explain to your parents that you have successfully survived (insert number of) years away from home by employing your own methods of sustenance, safety and–ahem–entertainment. They will respond to your rational explanation and hopefully won’t impose some bizarre curfew on you. Throwing in a few compliments to them (“You’ve raised me to be responsible, mature, whatevs”) can’t hurt either.

Scenario: Waking up at 6 am, according to your parents, is the normal and productive lifestyle you should be leading.

Solution: Evasive Action. Sleeping in is usually encouraged by not having a job, which may be the real reason your parents have a problem with you getting your much needed rest. If you do have a job, though, or it doesn’t require that you wake up at the ass crack of dawn to be a good employee, throw on a sleep mask, get some ear buds and lock your door. When you do eventually begin your day, your parents will inevitably assume you’ve been sleeping and begin to criticize you. At this point you can a) craft an elaborate excuse as to why you invented your own Do Not Disturb signs (composing a symphony, welding, extremely detailed pedicure) or b) inform your parents that they are being unreasonable and inconsiderate of your needs as a growing girl. The next time you drift off, picture yourself back at college, where napping is seen as a necessary daily component and not a source of ill will.

Scenario: Constant pestering about your grades, career, health, love life, bank account, etc.,

Solution: Rationing and Regulating. Ah, college. Land of cheap beer, philosophical discussion, hot guys and occasional phone calls to and from home. A few times a week ( if that!), you call home to brag about a great paper grade, tell a funny anecdote, or occupy yourself on your way to class. This serves the purpose of assuring your parents that you are alive, well, and not on Girls Gone Wild (not that you couldn’t call home if you were on GGW, it would probably just be a much more interesting conversation). It also enables you to control the amount of information your loved ones can wield against you during arguments about whether you’re “on the right path” (yeah, my family is probably dysfunctional.) I see no reason not to employ this tactic at home as well.

While you cannot simply hang up in the middle of a face to face conversation–I’ve tried it, trust me– you can change the subject to highlight an area of your life that is slightly more appealing to the fam’s best interests. Don’t lie or ice your parents out, this will only backfire; just casually ease off the topic of boyfriends (or lack thereof) and explain (in great detail) a theory you learned about in class. They love knowing where their money’s going, and showing off your fancy schmancy improved I.Q. should go over well, you genius, you.

While I understand that these situations are the very least of the conflicts you will confront after moving back home (at least in my case they are), many of these solutions can be applied to other issues. The bottom line is, moving back into your parents house for the summer may cause you to revert to your 15 year old self in their eyes. The key is to show them that you are not the moody and irreverent teen they’re picturing. You are a mature young woman who deserves their respect and trust. Now go hang out by their sweet pool, help yourself to their fully stocked fridge and crank that AC up allll the way baby, because those perks are definitely something we’ll miss come September.

What problems have you run into Mom and Dad-wise, now that you’re back at home? How do you deal?

[Photo courtesy of motherdaughtercatfight.com]