Everyone hates Barbie. Is it because she’s tall, leggy and disproportionately well-endowed? Or is it because her lashes are permanently curled to perfection and is always matched up with the incredibly good looking Ken? Banish the biatch from shelves for good (or at least hide them behind a bunch of much uglier toys). Do what you gotta do, Iran—this pernicious piece of Western culture is eroding morality codes everywhere!

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When you think of Barbie, you think of the classic childhood doll even if she is proportionally incorrect and could never exist in real life. We all had Barbies, Kens, and dream houses. Sometimes you’d get a cool limited edition Barbie, but we stumbled upon some extremely interesting (and creepy) celebrity Barbies. And the weird thing is that these are collector’s items. For adults. These aren’t the kind of Barbie that you’d buy for your niece or that little girl you babysit on winter break. People are paying for these. I can think of a million things to buy before purchasing a celebrity Barbie.

Check out these WTF Celebrity Barbie dolls… Read More »

When I was 10 I used to lock myself in my room and play Barbie for hours. Sometimes it ended in drastic haircuts, other times marriages, but usually with someone’s head being popped off. Although I had a lot of respect for a girl who could rock one of my many failed attempts at an early “Rachel,” I had to admit I was a little jealous. Don’t worry, as a grown up I don’t pop people’s heads off if I’m jealous…I just blink my eyes until they disappear.

Jealous of what you may ask…. her perfect body? No. Her pent house? Not quite. Her unending supply of friends? For any lonely girl in the suburbs probably, but not this one. I was jealous of the whole package. The lifestyle, the glamorous parties I would make her attend, the fact that she never had to change underwear.

All of those hours spent with my (close to) 40 Barbies taught me some life lessons. Or at least things that I should never try or even attempt, ie: taking a walk in Barbie’s shoes. Read More »

Senate Republicans blocked President Obama’s hu-mun-go jobs plan when it went up for vote in Congress this week. The $447 billion bill included a number of incentives and policies that Obama said would increase job growth, support small, struggling businesses and ultimately bolster the still-faltering economy. Fortunately or not, enough of Congress didn’t agree. Only 51 Democrats of the 60 needed signed on to a filibuster that would force the bill back into discussion. Some political strategists say Obama never expected the thing to pass, especially considering the GOP majority in the House, he just wanted Republicans to go on the record against it. Hmmm…tricky, tricky.

The man responsible for the yearlong hacking of over 50 celebrities’ private accounts, known as “Operation Hackerazzi,” was arrested this week. Christopher Chaney, a 35-year-old man from Florida, was perhaps most famous for stealing and leaking nude photos of Scarlett Johansson, which in turn caused the trend of “#ScarlettJohanssoning” (google it…). Chaney acted alone, and claimed his scheme “started as curiosity and it turned to just being addictive.” Other possible victims (nobody is quite sure yet) include Mila Kunis, Christina Aguilera, Ali Larter, Miley Cyrus, Natalie Portman and Vanessa Hudgens. This is only one of the many reasons I am thankful I’m not famous. How did he do it? He simply guessed their e-mail passwords by researching their lives. Chaney could face up to 121 years in prison. Read More »

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I’m pretty sure all of us have had at least one Barbie doll in our lives. In fact, I’m pretty sure some of us had an entire Barbie army. She was just too gorgeous with that luxurious blonde hair, that elaborate wardrobe that fit her body to a tee, those feet that fit perfectly into even the highest of high heels.

But in real life, Barbie isn’t so cute. Actually, Barbie is pretty scary.

At 5’9″, with a 39″ bust, 18″ waist, 33″ hips, and a size 3 shoe, this is what Barbie would look like as an actual person. And the best words to describe real life Barbie would be effing scary severely disproportionate. Read More »

Move over, Bratz! Mattel’s still got a little something up it’s sleeves for the Barbie franchise.

Trying to keep things modern, Mattel’s new News Anchor Barbie embodies the smart, sexy, powerful woman that is so prominent today (because we all know that a pink power suit say “I am woman hear me roar.”). We get what they’re trying to do over there (Veterinarian Barbie is soooo 1999), but Mattel has totally missed the mark. If they really wanna modernize the Barbie brand and have everyone’s favorite big-boobed bombshell represent the real women of today, maybe Mattel should consider a few of these:

1. 90210 Barbie: Comes with many interchangeable body parts perfectly suited to reflect the times. Change out lips, nose, and breasts. Not only can you give her implants and Botox at will, you’ll also be able to shape her thighs, stomach and underarms to your liking.
*Not to be confused with Heidi Montag Barbie.

2. Cougar Barbie: Comes with rock-hard implants, a recent divorce settlement, and a calculator to help her determine if the age gap between her and her crush is big enough.
Please note: I’m-Not-Old-Enough-To Shave Myself Ken is sold separately.

3. I Prefer “Exotic Dancer” Barbie: Comes with a mysterious background fit for a Lifetime movie. Is she a struggling single mom trying to pay for her son’s speech therapy or an independent college girl working to pay off her debt? The decision is yours!
*Optional accessories include self-esteem and clear heels. Read More »

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