For all intents and purposes, I am a pretty confident gal. I think my personality is the bomb.com, I am funny, I have a great haircut and – when I put on enough makeup – I can look pretty damn good.

But, just like any normal person, I have my insecurities. I am not as skinny as the other girls out at the bar, my boobs are a little…well…little, and no matter how good I look, I know there are Barbie look alikes all around me.

So, I must wonder why on earth I keep finding myself in the arms of some ridiculously good looking guys. Like, the guy you admire from afar but never talk to because you know he’s got a Heidi Klum lookin’ GF on the other side. The same exact guys who would never give me a second look, let alone an orgasm when I was in school.

I am not complaining – far from it – but I just don’t understand why suddenly these sexy, tall, sexy, way out of my league (did I mention sexy?) guys keep wanting me. What is different now from then? Read More »

When I was little, I wasn’t really a Barbie girl. Even as a young child, I was vaguely aware of the fact that Barbie was proportioned funny and had tatas that just couldn’t‘t be real. I hearted My Little Ponies instead, and had just about every single one (including the Flutter Pony with bug wings, bitch!), giving my time to fantastical creatures rather than mass-produced patriarchal dolls.

BUT. Had this Barbie been around when I was little, I’m sure I would have begged my mom for it until she eventually gave in. I mean, how could you not covet a doll with her own pooper scooper?!?

ps: not only do you get a pooper scooper, you get poop too! Little, plastic, miniature poops!

You know, I kind of like Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey

Before you blow $80 on a bra, Mr. Big has something to say

Every Simpsons couch gag. Ever.

I. Hate. Hipsters.

We live in a world that has created kitty tanning beds

Maxim says Ashley is 47th hottest woman, but what about Mary-Kate? Oh, nevermind…

Heath Ledger Joker dolls are big-sell, but what about Cher Barbie?

Who keeps encouraging Lindsay Lohan’s music career?!

Oh, maybe it’s the award-winning Mama Lohan

50 greatest commercial parodies/highlights from SNL

All of us girls have played out this scenario in our heads multiple times (and if we haven’t, then our parents have and they’ve been sure to articulate the matter more than once)…

We are walking down a dark alley (why are we always in these dark alleys?) and we get attacked. By a hostile stranger. He wants to steal our purse or rape us or kill us or all three. How do we defend ourselves?

Well, many women have come up with their own protection system. Some don’t walk alone at night. Others have invested time and money into self defense courses. And still others opt for the bad ass route of the knife, the mace, or the…taser gun.

The taser gun has actually been growing in popularity these days…but I have some questions for the women who are orchestrating this new taser marketing campaign: Read More »

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or some other holiday that not many people know about, you have undoubtedly received a gift that made you cringe, bite your lip to keep your mouth from saying something rude, or eyes water from the sheer ugliness factor.

While awesome presents are fun to receive, crappy presents are fun to talk about. So here, in no particular order, are three of the stupidest things I have received in recent memory.

* Box of Sparkly Body Spray – When I was 12, I freakin’ loved sparkly things. I would have killed for something like this in my teenybopper phase. However, once I turned, oh, say 22, I had pretty much left my gaudy taste behind. Too bad a long lost relative didn’t get the memo. When I opened this present—a set of three different kinds of pink, sparkly, heavily scented body sprays with Barbie heads as bottle stoppers—I was immediately mortified for everyone in the room. Either this relative was so out of touch with reality she thought Barbie was still something I enjoyed, or she had just totally and obviously re-gifted. Read More »

So, has anyone else noticed that dolls are getting really slutty?

First, the world had to deal with Bratz. Strange, big headed dolls with too much make-up and really skanky outfits. Dolls that—as far as I can tell—are totally aimed at creating 4th grade fashion disasters.

Besides making it seem cool to be so skinny your head looks like a watermelon, Bratz embody insipidness, sluttiness, and vapidness, limiting girls’ imaginations to taking their dolls to the “mall”, buying their dolls “stuff”, and seeing how many times their doll is mistaken for a hooker on the doll sidewalk.

Gone are the days when girls would be satisfied with a long, frilly pink dress for their dolls. Gone are the innocent one-piece bathing suits and “career” outfits. Now, thigh high stockings, tiny shirts, and skirts so short you can totally almost see plastic doll butt are all the rage.

Illustrating this disgusting theory even further is Barbie’s—or rather, Mattell’s—answer to the Bratz dynasty: My Scene Barbie. Read More »

Spring has sprung, and so has the girliest makeup match-up of them all. M.A.C Cosmetics…and Barbie.

The two have paired up to launch an entire line of cosmetics, and each new lipstick makes the perfect solution to those dry lips left from the winter cold. Inspired by none other than the iconic doll herself, the lipsticks are $14 and come in five ultra-feminine shades – the brick red “Modern Ms.”, the plum pearled “Sweet & Single,” the subtle pink “Style It Up,” the glamorous pink “Real Doll,” and the hot pink “Rocking Chick.”

The line also includes eye shadows and mascaras, and they wouldn’t at all be complete without Barbie’s trademark logo on each casing.

We all know that M.A.C makes one of the smoothest, silkiest, lipstickiest (huh?) lipstick of them all. Really awesome quality, and worth the extra few bucks. And with a little help this spring from Barbie, how can a girl go wrong?

Purchase your own “Barbie Loves M.A.C Lipstick”

Or, you know, from your friendly auctioneers at Ebay.