Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

My bartending style tends to run less towards the carefully measured, tried-and-true recipes and more towards the “What’s in my fridge right now?” trial-and-error method. I rarely use actual measures, because what is “good” depends on how many people are drinking, how liquored up they want to be, and how well they hold all that liquor.

That being said, I have a few favorite drinks that do really well in cold weather.

Peppermint Hot Chocolate:

This ain’t your grandma’s hot cocoa. (Or maybe it is…) I like to add a few drops (or shots) of Peppermint Schnapps to hot chocolate for an immediate warm-up. Make the cocoa with milk if you like it creamier.

Cinnamon Vanilla Cream:

One day my love of Starbucks and alcohol collided, and this drink was born. I just poured some Cinnamon Schnapps into my Vanilla Crème, and – voilà – an innocuous looking brew. Yes, I did keep it all in the Starbucks container. You can make your own Vanilla crème by warming up milk, adding a drop or two of vanilla extract, sugar to taste, and topping it off with whipped cream.

Hot (Spiked) Apple Cider:

First, you need to find some alcoholic apple cider. It’s probably somewhere between the beer and wine sections. Two bottles is a good amount to start with. On the stove, get it simmering with two cinnamon sticks, a tablespoon of cloves, a little bit of sugar and some nutmeg. What really makes it piping hot though, is the addition of either rum or apple brandy. Be generous, ladies – the apple cider has lost most of its alcoholic content in the heating process. Read More »

Every week I emulate my favorite late night talk show host, David Letterman, and countdown from ten. And then, last week, my favorite late night talk show host shared with us his story of being blackmailed for fooling around with some of his staff.

Whether you think his announcement was noble or unnecessary, whether you care where Letterman puts it or not, the scandal brought me to this week’s topic: the top ten people you should avoid sleeping with unless you want to suffer some serious aftermath. Maybe not a mistake that warrants a $2 million extortion, mind you, but still pretty scandalous repercussions.

10. The Bartender and/or Bouncer
Especially not at your favorite bar or club. One mistake with a bouncer equals embarrassment strong enough to keep you out of the doors of your favorite sports bar forever.

9. A neighbor in your dorm
Do you really want to worry about running into your fling when you’re in the dorm hallways wearing Powerpuff girl pajama bottoms?

8. “That Guy”
Collar popped underneath his Ed Hardy shirt with a sideways hat and a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Spare your dignity.

7. Ray-J
Unless you want a sex tape on the internet. Although it did kick-start Kim Kardashian’s career, so I guess this isn’t such a bad idea if that’s the direction you want to take your life. Read More »

So who took home the big statues?

Rebecca Gayhart’s having a (crack) baby.

10 things not to say to your hot bartender.

Your menstrual cycle is blogging.

5 ways to meet someone this fall.

Custom size condoms?

I learned more my first week at college than I did in my entire life. And I don’t mean academically. I mean socially, financially, emotionally and drunk-ly. Some things took longer to figure out than others (that I should visit the ATM before I get to the bar, to avoid extra fees and my tendency to tipsily make it rain) and other things took mere minutes (don’t eat dining hall hot dogs).

But there are 5 things that every freshman should figure out their very first week on campus. Consider this College Life 101: Intro To The Best 4 Years of Your Life.

The go-to hangover breakfast spot: For those mornings when a Gatorade and toast just won’t do the trick, you need to find the most happening breakfast place near campus. This is not only important for the mornings when you need to take things to-go (back to your bed where you can lie in the dark while watching Daisy of Love marathons), but also for the social aspect of morning-after breakfast. Because everyone knows, after the party it’s the after party…and after that and the hotel lobby… it’s IHOP.

So, on those mornings when your inner monologue sounds like “Hahalalala definitely still drunk and my hair and makeup still look great!” you’ll know where you and your girls can go to re-cap last night’s madness while chowing on carby goodness and watching people walk in wearing their clothes from the night before. Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I know that times are tough. The economy is in the dumper and our wallets are just getting emptier and emptier. These days it seems like I can’t turn a corner or walk into a bar without having to pay somebody something. Though I know it’s hard to choose between blowing your last dollars on another pitcher of beer or tipping the bartender, as a one-time waitress, I would never ever suggest skimping on tips. These service providers work hard (usually on a tiny salaries) and their paychecks rely heavily on your tips.

The other day, I was appalled when after ordering a heap-load of Chinese food, a “friend” of mine flicked the delivery guy a quarter and closed the door. A quarter. As in twenty-five cents. I literally had to chase down the guy and shove a few dollars at him. When I confronted her, she said she wasn’t sure how much to tip. I called bullsh*t, but it got me wondering if this is a real problem for a lot of people. So in case you were wondering, here is a tipping cheat sheet on who to tip and how much to tip them.

Read More »

Spring break can be a carefree week of fun in the sun…or two days of fun followed by five days of waiting for your flight home. Make sure you make the most of SB 2009. And don’t do some of the stupid shizz I’ve done on March and April vacations past.

1. Don’t book your flight for an hour after your last class of the week ends.

Well, technically, my mistake was agreeing to drive my friend to the airport. Not only were we racing against time, but my car decided to act up as soon as we hit the highway. It started shaking and rattling when I tried to go over 60 mph, and, for fear of our lives, I was forced to drive in the slow lane as the clock ticked on. We made it, barely, thanks to the fact that our local airport takes about five minutes to clear security, but my friend was a bundle of nerves before she even took flight. Yeesh. Read More »

With a month off between fall and spring semesters and neurotic parents that drive you absolutely crazy after three months of freedom in the dorms, many students opt to take a winter break vacay. Whether it’s a road trip to the closest city, or a flight to the tropics, finding romance is a great way to de-stress after finals (and Christmas dinner with the entire extended fam). Looking for a super New Year’s Kiss? Here are some tips to get your blood rushing, even in freezing temps.

The most important rule for finding a fling is to open yourself up to opportunity. Hell, even if you’re stuck in your hometown, you never know if you’ll hit it off with a former high school classmate who grew up (in more ways than one) while away at school. If you are traveling, be outgoing! Talk to the bartenders, the hotel staff, everyone. They can probably give you advice on the hottest hangouts for the locals, and perhaps even introduce you to some of their fine friends. Besides, if things go sour, you can always jet back to school and pretend it never happened.

That said, be spontaneous. What happens in Vegas…. right? If a cute guy compliments you on the street, it’s okay to talk to him. Just be sure you have a friend or authority figure in sight. You can even agree to meet up later, provided it’s in a crowded, well-lit venue. Yes, there are sketchy peeps out there, but there are also plenty of friends you haven’t met yet. Trust your gut, and give it a chance…again, in a crowded, well-lit venue. Read More »

Alright people, let’s get two things straight. 1) I love (loooove) drinking and 2) I am pretty damn serious about my GPA. A paradox, I know, but one that has contributed greatly to my collegiate success (both in and out of the bars). Unfortunately these two qualities clash in a major way when my morning lectures (ok and sometimes afternoon classes if I’ve been hitting the Franz a little too hard) and hangovers coincide.

Naturally, my first reaction is to stumble out of bed, put on the first item of clothing that most nearly resembles sweatpants and yank a gym shirt over my head as I groan “ughhhhh” on the way out the door.

Sadly, professors and attractive classmates do not take kindly to my arrival in class looking like Britney circa February 2008–and chances are yours don’t either. So instead of being shunned for your dedication to class attendance (I mean, you’re making the effort right?!) I’ve thrown together a handy list of fashion saviors for even the most hungover of mornings.

You’ll look as put together as one possibly can after a night of hollering 80’s classics and harassing the bartender, and no one will be the wiser (except for the person sitting next to you enjoying your Eau de Skol…) Read More »

You know how it feels really sexy and naughty when you sidle up to a cute bartender and order a Sex on the Beach?

Well, it does.

It feels sexy and naughty.

Anyway, you can recreate that feeling when you throw your own sexy party and act as bartender.

Here are a few sexy-sounding drinks to serve to your hottie brigade of guests. Make sure to giggle annoyingly when they order.

Orgasm

1/2 ounce Vodka

1/2 ounce Amaretto

1/2 ounce White Creme de Cacao

1/2 ounce Triple Sec

1 ounce cream

Shake with ice and enjoy.

Tap That Ass

2 ounces Alizé (1 ounce red, 1 ounce yellow)

1 ounce Hennessy

a little cranberry juice

a little soda water

Pour the Alizé and Hennessy over ice. Top it off with the cranberry juice and soda water to taste. Read More »