I wish someone would have taken that bottle of cran away...

I’d consider myself a seasoned formal veteran. As such, I have acquired a bit of wisdom as far as formal do’s and dont’s. Whether you are a freshman going to formals for the first time or even a senior not affiliated in the Greek circuit, I have chosen a recent and epic failure at Greek formal-ing that will hopefully teach you from my mistakes… or at least give you a good laugh.

The Blind Date

Blind dates are quite common in the formal world. Twice now I have agreed to help out a friend of a friend who “just can’t get a date.” This would be the red flag for most girls – why on earth can’t this dude nab a date?! -  but I, blinded by naivete and the prospect of free food and drinks, always acquiesce. My second transgression was just a few weeks ago. We get to the place, which happened to be a $30 cab ride away, making my chances of leaving slim to hitchhiking. We pre-gamed in a hotel room, where my date doted on me. And by “doted,” I mean basically poured booze down my throat. I even started pouring drinks down the drain out of fear of being too drunk around strangers. (Go me!)

We get to the formal and since he planned it, he left me every 5 minutes to “take care of things.” He couldn’t get me a wristband for whatever reason but brought me a flask of vodka (red flag #2). I decided to have a little chat with him about expectations, which was me conveying my disinterest in anything but “cutesy dancing” and eating and drinking. As well as I thought that went, when we got to the dance floor it was obvious that “cutesy dancing” did not register on his radar, or that maybe he thought grinding me against a wall was cute. Read More »

You waited in the line outside the party hoping the 3 frat guys with low self-esteem and big muscles manning the door would notice your short skirt/cleavage combo and let you inside. Once you got the point and nod from d-bag #1, you breeze past the fortress gate (a card table littered with empty beer cans) and dance your way (litarally) into the overcrowded party.

A wave of humid, stale air hits you the minute you step inside. You feel your hair instantly frizzing up. But the room is dark and every girl in there is suffering from the frizzies, so you pull it back, grab a few cans of (crappy) beer from yet another muscley frat boy and get your party on.

You’re dancing, sweating, having a good time when it hits you: you have to pee. And not just a little bit. A lot a bit.
As in, one more bump and grind and it will be dripping down your leg. You grab your friend, pull her close and scream into her ear, “BATHROOM!??” The music is so loud, though, she can’t hear you.

“WHAT?!” She mouths as she gets low, low, low, with a guy with giant pit stains. You try screaming again, but it’s no use. So you break out the gestures, pointing to your bladder then pointing in the direction of the stairs. She finally gets it, leaves her perspiring prince behind and joins you in the hunt for a clean-ish bathroom.

You climb the stairs, passing couples making out along the way. As you near the top you see a long string of girls lining the hallway. Obviously, this is the line for the bathroom. And obviously, you have no choice but to wait in it (because, unlike those boys, you can’t just head outside and empty your bladder into a bush). Read More »

Between running out of toilet paper, sitting on dirty pee stained public toilet seats, and producing gag worthy smells, going to the bathroom is definitely not the cleanest, girliest, most fun activity that occurs quite often in a day (I know I’d much rather be hangin’ out on TFLN).  But it is a part of our everyday lives and we kinda have to do it, so we might as well make the best of it, right?

Well, 2009 doesn’t just mean cool cars and advanced cellphone technology. It also means new and improved products for the potty.  Take a look at some of these new things that make the bathroom experience that much more pleasant. Don’t ask me why or how I found these. Seriously.

Poof
This latest product does exactly what it says. It literally makes the smell of your poop go “Poof!” This liquid deodorizer traps the odors of the big brown boys in the water, releasing a refreshing scent of Japanese mint to fill the air. Unlike an air freshener that can just leave the bathroom smelling like misty grossness (fresh spring breeze + poop = fresh and springy poop), Poof traps the odors before they can even try to escape the toilet. No more worries about having to hold it in after your hot date at a Mexican restaurant.

Go girl
Whoever said guys are the only ones that can stand when going to the bathroom? Just because they get to avoid the unsanitary toilet seats that get exposed to way too many butts in a day, doesn’t mean we can’t too!

iCarta
Okay, so this one may be a tad bit unnecessary, but it sure is freakin’ cool. It’s a toilet paper dispenser with a built in iPod dock and speakers. Because pooping is so much more fun when you’re doin’ it with the Kings of Leon. Read More »

Your boxes are unpacked, your bed is made, and your parents have left the building. You are officially a college student.

Woohoo! No more living under their rules. You are a free adult livin’ the dorm life.

It takes a few days of getting used to, but you’re finally feeling settled. You’ve even sorta mastered the cafeteria slop. This whole college thing isn’t so hard after all.

That is, until you need to do a little #2 in the public bathroom down the hall. The one every other girl on the hall also frequents to shower, wash up, dry her hair, and do her business. Girls you don’t know. Girls you want to befriend. Feeling the stage fright, you’ve been unable to go for days and, between the cafeteria salad bar (roughage!) and the frat party jungle juice, it’s been rather difficult.

But now it’s time and you have no choice but to suck it up, drop the pants, and take care of business. Read More »

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(A crazy guy on campus trying to sell joke books.)

Crazy guy: Does college make you want to sh*t your pants?

Scared freshman: Um … no?

(A professor, reminiscing in-class.)

Professor: I just, you know, kinda grab nearby papers sometimes. I have many squirrel-like tendencies. That’s what my mom said.

(Girl, angry, on the phone.)

Girl: … because you’ve got the personality of a tennis ball! A tennis ball with acne! Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

Just for fun, I’ve decided to lighten up this week’s column with an article on urinal etiquette. I get such a laugh every time a guy friend walks out of a public restroom screaming, “He was staring at my penis!! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON’T LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY’S SHLONG!” Come to think of it, this seems to happen an awful lot. Hm.. what does this say about the company I keep? Perhaps I should work on being a little more suspicious of my friends..

Anyway, while I do that, here is some suggested reading for you guys (and interested gals). Since I lack the appendage in question, I had to enlist my dear friend and urinal expert, Justin G., to clue me in. Enjoy! ** Warning: This post is pretty crude. If you’d much rather learn about something a lot daintier, feel free to read up on how to be a good house guest or what to do when you meet his family. Read More »

I remember those naive high school days when puking during a rager meant that a) you couldn’t control your liquor and b) the party was over, for you. That’s why I was shocked one night during my freshman year of college, when my friend came back from the bathroom and proudly announced, “Oh, man, I just puked my brains out!”

I immediately switched to babysitter-mode. “Are you okay? Do we need to leave?” I asked, fully concerned.

“Nope!” My friend replied. “Got more room for beer now!”

At the time, this was an unprecedented occurrence to me. I’d never considered the theory of “puke and rally.”

A few years later, I’ve totally become acquainted with this practice. One summer, after a coworker tried unsuccessfully to light three consecutive shots of Sambuca on fire in mouth, I knew that that much booze so quickly was not going to be good. After the third shot went down, I booked it for the bathroom and barfed. A friend was worriedly knocking on the bathroom door, concerned as I had once been for my own friend. I opened the door, and she asked if I was okay. My response?

“Let’s rage!” Read More »

After spending a good chunk of yesterday in a dark, dingy basement bar with no windows, I started thinking.

Thought #1: I’m never drinking again

Thought #2: This bathroom floor is far to gross to lay on while I attempt to rid my stomach of too many green sharkbowls.

Thought #3: Wow, that dude I made out with was really gross. Who knew I had a thing for long beards and mohawks when I’m drunk?!

Thought #4: PIZZAAAAAAA.

Alcohol makes us do some pretty stupid things. Like peeing in public places, flashing people (yes, I saw a girl doing that…at a restaurant), and finding the most unattractive of people simply irresistible. Read More »

You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Pee standing up.

Seriously. Growing up with two brothers, I was always jealous of how quickly and easily they could rid themselves of their Yoo-Hoo juice boxes. I tried it a few times (I can’t believe I’m admitting this), but it was far from a success. Unless you consider washing the bathmat and changing my pants a success.

My desire for the speediness peeing standing up allowed only intensified with each passing bathroom line at a party. I attempted to use the men’s room many times – because there is never a line there – but the weird looks and disgusting floors became just too much for me. So I stopped. And I waited in line like a lady while my fellow squatters took their sweet ass time.

It is infuriating, boring and a total buzz kill. But it looks like it may be a problem no longer. Ladies, we can finally pee like the boys do. Read More »

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal, and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupidity of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone etiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce.

So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortunate road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Budget cuts: It seems as though the recession has finally infiltrated the college bubble. We’ve been hearing about this horrible turn the economy has taken, but the closest we’ve come to experiencing it are reduced bar admissions. (And come to think of it, there hasn’t even been a decline in those prices…) All kidding aside, though, the economic crisis gripping the nation has, of course, affected our schools. And countless e-mails entitled “Budget Crisis Committee Meeting,” or “Plans to Cut Spending by 10% before July” skimmed over my threshold of awareness for quite some time. My professors, picking up on the general apathetic attitude, took it upon themselves to explain just what all of this meant. Apparently it means taking classes that require an intimate setting to be effective in lecture halls. It requires removing all of the phones from the English Department (yep, e-mail only!). It entails salary cuts for professors, some of whom have such prestigious reputations that they’ll gladly take their New York Times’ Best Selling butts elsewhere. Which also means that my degree won’t be as respectable as it would be if I’d had those professors or their letters of recommendation. And yet I have noticed no shortage of construction, new bronze statues or spanking new parking garages scattered around campus. Maybe if the budget were a little more prioritized we wouldn’t be facing these issues… Read More »