It’s SAT season and you know what that means: high school juniors are buckling down and getting ready to take “the most important test of their lives,” the test that will determine whether or not they get into college, the test that will supposedly predict how well they will do there. Now, I don’t know about you ladies, but as a seasoned college student I have to say I think that is a load of ridiculous. I mean vocabulary and problem solving and knowing who the Kardashians are is all well and good, but is it really an accurate portrayal of how a student will do in college?

No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

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[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Call me a whore (why not, my mother does), but I love me some casual hook ups. There’s something thrilling about going out, chatting it up with a hottie in a great pair of jeans, and heading home to tear off those jeans and get it on. Alcohol fueled or not, I love the whole carnal passion element of it all. The fact that the whole thing is purely physical. What? It’s hot!

Sure, it’s not the basis of a long lasting relationship, but it is the basis of a great story to share with the roommates come morning. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

But what I don’t love about a little late night nookie is when it happens at his place. I know it’s not the best idea to invite some dude into your house just because he’s got nice biceps (or seems to, at least, through those beer goggles), but I enjoy the comforts of my own glorious bed (topped with a memory foam pad, a feather down duvet and 4 very squishy pillows) and the control that bringing a lad back to my place offers.

I also happen to enjoy a few other things about having a romp in my own hay: Read More »

It wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your desk in the library to this high-speed car chase? We’ve  cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.

Sober
All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.

Buzzed
You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese T.A from last semester. Read More »

So the current issue of Psychology of Addictive Behaviors (which sounds like a very legit publication) released a study that I think you’ll find quite interesting.  “Interesting” in that you wouldn’t have expected the results, not in a million years, and please note that after reading this, your life will be forever changed.  Okay, are you ready for me to enlighten your narrow, sheltered mindset?

Here’s their big finding: “Students who go abroad while in college are likely to increase or even double their alcohol intake while they’re away.”

Wow, I know.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Would you have ever guessed that while visiting countries with lower drinking ages, things called discotheques, and a plethora of town pubs, college students would have the balls to increase their booze consumption?  Color me shocked.

As someone who’s now very interested in subscribing to this extremely scientific journal, I just want to alert the editors of a few more studies they might be interested in conducting (but really don’t need to).

Just Discovered: Drunk Students Eat More Pizza than Sober Students
Drunk munchies happen.  Usually around 3AM as the bars are closing and that pizza place across the street is still open.  Two slices with pepperoni and extra cheese sound like a brilliant investment in your health, so you stumble to the counter, place your order, and throw down the $2.50.  For some reason, going through these same motions in broad daylight really doesn’t hold the same appeal (unless it’s post-kegs and eggs on game day).

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You slowly open your eyes.  It feels like your mouth is filled with cotton balls, you start frantically grabbing for water. But – ouch – there is a bruise on your left arm the size of K-Fed’s gut.  You’re still wearing the clothes from last night and suddenly images of a boy pop into your hazy mind. You feel the warmth of a body beside you in your bed.  Then you remember.

You brought a boy from the bar home with you. He was pretty cute too, from what you remember. But now as you slowly roll over to see his peaceful face drooling all over your throw pillow, you nearly fall off your bed into the pile of McDonald’s wrappers from last night’s fourth meal.  Ok, he’s not that narsty, but the dude does not look like half the man you thought he was at 3 in the morning.

I know it’s happened to the best (and most responsible) of us. You’re in the bar and you see a guy across the room. That “Oh em gee, he totes resembles Gerald Butler” feeling washes over you and and then - boom – the next morning you’re laying next to Shrek.  But why?  I understand a little alcohol can disable your senses, but what about your senses are beer goggles disrupting that leaves the curly haired freak you thought resembled Gerald Butler as your big spoon??

Lucky for us, British researchers have come up with an explanation.  They have discovered drinking is linked to people thinking others are more attractive. (Duh, I could have figured that one out.)  But here’s the real kicker: Women are more affected by beer goggles than men. Ok, gimme an explanation. Read More »

While perusing (and by “perusing” I mean obsessively checking and re-checking) Facebook for the fourth time yesterday, I noticed that no one had done anything since the last time I logged in (an hour before). In a fit of never ending boredom that made signing off impossible, I decided to look at pictures of me.

Of the 300ish photos of me, 250 involved drinking and 249 of those involved me making some sort of awful face. Not like “I wasn’t ready for the camera” awful; more like, “I am going to make the ugliest face I can think of” awful. The sad part is that I can distinctly remember taking most of those pictures and consciously making the faces that are now staring back at (and horrifying) me.

I even giggled as I made one of my uglier faces and poked my head into what would have been a cute picture of friends. Why did I ever think that was a good idea?

Self Reflective Beer Goggles, that’s why.

It’s like the minute the beer hits my lips, I am somehow unable to take a picture without doing something completely stupid. Whether it is an awful face, mimicking oral sex with a beer bottle or thinking of a ridiculous scenario (“Your boyfriend just asked you to pee on him”) before snapping a selfie, I always look horribly, terrifyingly, bad. Read More »

One would think getting Monday off would make for a more pleasant week, but one would be wrong. Yeah, we’re all one day closer to the weekend, but we also spent one more day last weekend partying it up and eating cheese fries at 3am. And it has taken a serious toll on our bodies. We’re seriously dreaming of the moment we can crawl into bed, watch Modern Family and pass out.

But before we do, let’s play a game of Would You Rather. If nothing else, pondering life’s most random situations will turn our brains on for those back-to-back lectures we have this afternoon. Think long and hard – and then re-think it just to be sure – and choose your answer. Then, if you can handle the thought, share your reasoning in the comment section below. Read More »

Ever heard of Fibonacci’s Golden Ratio? Yeah, me either. But I feel like it’s maybe the one thing I would have appreciated learning about in math class. But that’s what the iPhone is for! There is a new app called “Fit or Fugly” that uses the Golden Ratio, which measures how symmetrical your face is, to tell you just how beautiful or hideous you actually are.

I can’t tell if this is something I really want to know, but I kind of think I do.

But not about myself, of course; my mom tells me I’m pretty/I may cry if my cell phone tells me I’m ugly.  But this app could come in handy in so many other instances. For example, my sister always boasts that she is the beauty of the family. Oh yeah, Kimberly? Fibonacci says differently. In your ugly face, lil’ sis!

Or maybe you’ve donned your not-so-trusty beer goggles for the night and you’re just about ready to take home that stunning piece of man-meat you’ve been eyeing up all night. The “Fit or Fugly” app may just save you from making the worst mistake of your college career. Without it, you might have been waking up next to Alf tomorrow morning. The iPhone saves the day again.

So instead of putting your picture up on “Hot or Not” and letting strangers judge your overall attractiveness, let technology and math give you the empirical evidence you need to know that you (or your unsuspecting victim) are beautiful…. or not.

My sorority family is insane and I love them. But I have never made it home from a family dinner alive… or with my dignity. Our propensity for tequila has always gotten the best of me. At our last family dinner, they found me exchanging clothes with a frat guy and then laughing and pointing as another family member rolled down an extremely steep hill.

So, needless to say, they decided to send me home with an escort that evening so as to avoid the morning after “OMFG YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID AFTER I LEFT LAST NIGHT!” phone call.

Well, escort in tow, things were going well on the walk back to my dorm room (I mean, my clothes were still on and I hadn’t tripped in front of oncoming traffic), until I happened upon a young man walking by himself. As the story goes (because I certainly don’t remember this), I latched onto his arm and made delightful conversation all the way home. My escort walked me all the way up to the door, waited as the strange suitor walked away, and then left me to go back to her own dorm.

Little did she know this man and I had other arrangements. Read More »

I’m generally not a demanding girlfriend.  My requests are small, involving being somewhat tidy and helpful around my apartment (especially when he spends 80% of his time there) and cooperative and enthusiastic when we make plans together.  Seriously…that’s it.  However, I still run into issues.  Toilet seats get left up, hands don’t get washed (gaaaaaahhhh), crusted dishes are left out, and my man turns into a whiny mess whenever I take him shopping.

This could all be a thing of the past now that I’ve learned of a glorious new tool:  alcohol.  Apparently, some clothing stores are starting to serve alcohol to patrons while they shop.  These stores tend to be catered to the male population and focused on catering to the individual customer’s needs.  Men relax after a couple drinks, eliminating the social awkwardness that comes from shopping and actually taking time to think which color would go best with their eyes and the rest of their wardrobe. Read More »