No. It’s most definitely not.

So we thought we’d help College Board and all those other important SAT people out by offering them a few alternative SAT questions. Real life questions, the kind of questions that college students may encounter on any give college day…

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…

(A) Four (B) Floor (C) Bed (D) Death

2. Beer goggles is a commonly used college expression. Explain the meaning of this phrase and then use it in a sentence.

3. A walk of shame is:

(A) Walking into class after said class has started (B) Walking home during the early hours of the morning in last night’s clothes after spending said night in with a guy (C) Tripping while walking in high heels

4. A steak dinner is to real life as ____ is to college life.

(A) cafeteria food (B) Ramen noodles (C) Chef Boyardee

5. Finals week will most likely be spent:

(A) in the library (B) studying (C) on Facebook (D) Both A and C

6.  In college your dating life changes. It’s far less likely that a guy asks you to hang out after class or go to a football game with him, and far more likely that he propositions you at a party. But there is an alternative. Explain the concepts of friends with benefits. Then discuss the pros and cons of such an agreement.

7. Your roommate asks to borrow your favorite sweater. Not only is it too small for her, but she also has a habit of returning items she borrows unwashed. Explain how to get out of such a situation without starting a roommate war.

8. Name six of CollegeCandy’s ten ways to drink a beer.

9. The best reason to drop a class is:

(A) It’s at 7 a.m. (B) The professor has terrible reviews (C) It’s on a Friday (D) All of the above

10.  Name some college stereotypes. Which will you be? Why?

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Call me a whore (why not, my mother does), but I love me some casual hook ups. There’s something thrilling about going out, chatting it up with a hottie in a great pair of jeans, and heading home to tear off those jeans and get it on. Alcohol fueled or not, I love the whole carnal passion element of it all. The fact that the whole thing is purely physical. What? It’s hot!

Sure, it’s not the basis of a long lasting relationship, but it is the basis of a great story to share with the roommates come morning. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

But what I don’t love about a little late night nookie is when it happens at his place. I know it’s not the best idea to invite some dude into your house just because he’s got nice biceps (or seems to, at least, through those beer goggles), but I enjoy the comforts of my own glorious bed (topped with a memory foam pad, a feather down duvet and 4 very squishy pillows) and the control that bringing a lad back to my place offers.

I also happen to enjoy a few other things about having a romp in my own hay:

1. The Cleanliness Factor: Have you ever seen a college boy’s room? Like, really seen it? I have, too many times, and I can’t get the image of the dirty box fan, crusty dishes and empty whiskey bottles out of my head. And don’t even get me started on the smell of ripe gym clothes, leftover beer and fart that have permeated every surface, especially the mattress that your body will be pressed against all night since the sheets are bunched up somewhere near the bottom of the bed. If I’m gonna be naked somewhere, I’d rather it be in my bed where I know the exact date the sheets were last washed (and it wasn’t the day my mother moved me in).

2. The Comfort Factor: I never sleep well in someone else’s bed. Maybe it’s the fact that college boys only have one pillow and I’m forced to lie flat on my back without any neck support. Maybe it’s all the weird and unfamiliar sounds I hear (both from his body and from the decrepit house he lives in). Maybe it’s the worry that I’m going to mess up my hair while I sleep and wake up looking like Nick Nolte. Maybe it’s the fact that I really have to pee but don’t know where my clothes or the bathroom are so I have to hold it until it hurts. Maybe it’s the combination of all of the above that keeps me up all night, listening to this guy snore and watching the clock until it’s a socially acceptable time to gather my things, have an awkward goodbye (“Uh, thanks for that. It was fun. Toodles!”) and run home.

3. The Convenience Factor: I’m not gonna tote a toothbrush, toothpaste, makeup remover and my morning vitamin with me to the bar. Come on, not only is that a bit presumptuous, but how is that all going to fit in my going-out bag? That being said, I’m also not going to get any morning sex with my breath smelling like hot garbage. At home, fresh breath and my hot iron (for a sexy, tousled, bed head look) are only a few steps away.

4. The “If You Live Here, You’re Already Home” Factor: I don’t care if that kid stays all day and expects me to order him lunch or do his laundry; I’ll do anything to avoid the knowing stares and judgmental whispers of passersby on the Walk of Shame….

Oh, and having the roommates nearby for the morning after recap is just icing on the post coital cake.

So, where do guys like to get it on? Let’s find out what He Says.

It wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your desk in the library to this high-speed car chase? We’ve  cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.

Sober
All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.

Buzzed
You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese T.A from last semester.

Drunk
Sometime between that last round of shots and dancing on the bar, you’ve become a stand-up comedian and a first-rate politician. When did your jokes start getting so funny and since when did you become so into illegal immigration reform? You’re going to do some great and timely Molly Shannon impressions as soon as you get back from peeing outside the bar.

Blackout
What did you just snort and where are your pants? And most importantly, when did you lose the ability to speak English? Good thing you’ve still got those sick dance moves; nobody does the lawnmower like you do. In other news, love your new bicep tattoo of you and the TA getting married.

Clinically Dead
That’s a cozy spot in the back alley. Why don’t you just lay down, make yourself comfortable, and sleep it off. And remember whatever happens with the homeless man doesn’t count if you can’t remember it.

Hungover
Wow. There’s nothing quite like waking up inside a dumpster on a Saturday morning. A lot of things are pretty blurry right now but you’re pretty sure you got to second base with a raccoon last night. It’s all cool though, just another great thing to say during the next round of Never Have I Ever.

[This story was originally posted by Jenni - Syracuse University]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Here’s their big finding: “Students who go abroad while in college are likely to increase or even double their alcohol intake while they’re away.”

Wow, I know.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Would you have ever guessed that while visiting countries with lower drinking ages, things called discotheques, and a plethora of town pubs, college students would have the balls to increase their booze consumption?  Color me shocked.

As someone who’s now very interested in subscribing to this extremely scientific journal, I just want to alert the editors of a few more studies they might be interested in conducting (but really don’t need to).

Just Discovered: Drunk Students Eat More Pizza than Sober Students
Drunk munchies happen.  Usually around 3AM as the bars are closing and that pizza place across the street is still open.  Two slices with pepperoni and extra cheese sound like a brilliant investment in your health, so you stumble to the counter, place your order, and throw down the $2.50.  For some reason, going through these same motions in broad daylight really doesn’t hold the same appeal (unless it’s post-kegs and eggs on game day).

Standards Lowered After Six Hours in Bar, “Beer Goggles” Found as Cause
It’s late, you’re drunk, and that extra-long single is going to be mighty lonely when you get back to the dorm.  What’s a girl to do?  Chat up that mediocre-looking, possibly younger dude standing at the end of the bar, that’s what.  His eyes are a little off center and his nose hooks to the left, but your room’s dark.  No biggie.

Breaking News: Most Papers Written Only Twelve Hours Prior to Deadline
Two weeks to write six pages on Charlotte Bronte?  Please, you can knock that thing out in an afternoon.  Except one afternoon interrupted by “something better” leads to another and before you know it, you’re staring at a blank word document, a setting sun, and a clock you swear is six hours fast.  Procrastination is a bitch, but it’s better than being responsible and missing out on all those hours you spent Facebook stalking.

Solving the Pre-Game Mystery: Why Students Drink Before They Drink
Have you ever tried to explain the concept of pre-gaming to an adult?  Did they look at you like you had a problem and throw around words like “addict” and “AA meeting”?  If you’re in college, it makes sense to drink before you go out drinking.  Imagine walking into a bar completely sober.  Yikes!  All those strangers, that loud music…what am I supposed to do with my hands!?  I’m getting social anxiety just thinking about it.

After 2:45 AM and Five Shots of Jim Beam, Everyone Becomes a Culinary Arts Major
Some nights, pizza just doesn’t scratch the itch.  And that’s when you run back to your apartment or dorm, flip on the Food Network, and check out what’s in your fridge.  Ravioli Lean Cuisine, salted cashews, soy sauce packets, and one lone gummy worm become a cornucopia of international flavors when stirred together in a solo cup.  Leftover dining hall chicken fingers, a clam chowder Soup-at-Hand, and stale Ritz crackers morph into a potpie even Jamie Oliver would be proud of.

You brought a boy from the bar home with you. He was pretty cute too, from what you remember. But now as you slowly roll over to see his peaceful face drooling all over your throw pillow, you nearly fall off your bed into the pile of McDonald’s wrappers from last night’s fourth meal.  Ok, he’s not that narsty, but the dude does not look like half the man you thought he was at 3 in the morning.

I know it’s happened to the best (and most responsible) of us. You’re in the bar and you see a guy across the room. That “Oh em gee, he totes resembles Gerald Butler” feeling washes over you and and then - boom – the next morning you’re laying next to Shrek.  But why?  I understand a little alcohol can disable your senses, but what about your senses are beer goggles disrupting that leaves the curly haired freak you thought resembled Gerald Butler as your big spoon??

Lucky for us, British researchers have come up with an explanation.  They have discovered drinking is linked to people thinking others are more attractive. (Duh, I could have figured that one out.)  But here’s the real kicker: Women are more affected by beer goggles than men. Ok, gimme an explanation.

Apparently by nature, people find beauty in symmetry, but alcohol is what screws around with detecting this symmetry.  When we pound more Scooby Snacks, we start to get confused and believe everyone has a symmetrical and beautimous face. Why are girls more affected by this?  Although the initial study did not explain this specifically, scientists say the difference has something to do with men being more visually oriented than woman (they tend to blatantly ogle at the ladies).

Well, that puts the ugly, hairy bum in bummer.

Guess it’s time to ditch the wingwoman and find yourself a DD (designated decider) to eye the crowd objectively and prevent you from letting the Beer Goggles do the talking.

[Photo courtesy of Gizmodo.com.]

While perusing (and by “perusing” I mean obsessively checking and re-checking) Facebook for the fourth time yesterday, I noticed that no one had done anything since the last time I logged in (an hour before). In a fit of never ending boredom that made signing off impossible, I decided to look at pictures of me.

Of the 300ish photos of me, 250 involved drinking and 249 of those involved me making some sort of awful face. Not like “I wasn’t ready for the camera” awful; more like, “I am going to make the ugliest face I can think of” awful. The sad part is that I can distinctly remember taking most of those pictures and consciously making the faces that are now staring back at (and horrifying) me.

I even giggled as I made one of my uglier faces and poked my head into what would have been a cute picture of friends. Why did I ever think that was a good idea?

Self Reflective Beer Goggles, that’s why.

It’s like the minute the beer hits my lips, I am somehow unable to take a picture without doing something completely stupid. Whether it is an awful face, mimicking oral sex with a beer bottle or thinking of a ridiculous scenario (“Your boyfriend just asked you to pee on him”) before snapping a selfie, I always look horribly, terrifyingly, bad.

You know you’ve been there. Go ahead; log onto Facebook right now and take a look at drunken pictures of you and your friends. I guarantee Self-Reflective Beer Goggles make an appearance. Many appearances, in fact.

I have been a victim of beer goggles many times in my life — I even once sported them for an entire 10-day cruise — but I never realized that they affect more than the way I see men. They affect the way people (like everyone on Facebook – hi mom!) see me!

At least, unlike kicking an ugly/short/hairy stranger out of your bed in the morning, this is easy to remedy; a simple un-tagging will do it.

Do you have SR Beer Google issues? What do you think about the druken Facebook picture epidemic?

One would think getting Monday off would make for a more pleasant week, but one would be wrong. Yeah, we’re all one day closer to the weekend, but we also spent one more day last weekend partying it up and eating cheese fries at 3am. And it has taken a serious toll on our bodies. We’re seriously dreaming of the moment we can crawl into bed, watch Modern Family and pass out.

But before we do, let’s play a game of Would You Rather. If nothing else, pondering life’s most random situations will turn our brains on for those back-to-back lectures we have this afternoon. Think long and hard – and then re-think it just to be sure – and choose your answer. Then, if you can handle the thought, share your reasoning in the comment section below.

Would you rather your parents watch every date you go on for a year OR find them sitting on your bed at 2am when you come home with a “friend”?

Things to consider: the stories you tell on dates, daddy’s little girl, beer goggles.

I can’t tell if this is something I really want to know, but I kind of think I do.

But not about myself, of course; my mom tells me I’m pretty/I may cry if my cell phone tells me I’m ugly.  But this app could come in handy in so many other instances. For example, my sister always boasts that she is the beauty of the family. Oh yeah, Kimberly? Fibonacci says differently. In your ugly face, lil’ sis!

Or maybe you’ve donned your not-so-trusty beer goggles for the night and you’re just about ready to take home that stunning piece of man-meat you’ve been eyeing up all night. The “Fit or Fugly” app may just save you from making the worst mistake of your college career. Without it, you might have been waking up next to Alf tomorrow morning. The iPhone saves the day again.

So instead of putting your picture up on “Hot or Not” and letting strangers judge your overall attractiveness, let technology and math give you the empirical evidence you need to know that you (or your unsuspecting victim) are beautiful…. or not.

My sorority family is insane and I love them. But I have never made it home from a family dinner alive… or with my dignity. Our propensity for tequila has always gotten the best of me. At our last family dinner, they found me exchanging clothes with a frat guy and then laughing and pointing as another family member rolled down an extremely steep hill.

So, needless to say, they decided to send me home with an escort that evening so as to avoid the morning after “OMFG YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I DID AFTER I LEFT LAST NIGHT!” phone call.

Well, escort in tow, things were going well on the walk back to my dorm room (I mean, my clothes were still on and I hadn’t tripped in front of oncoming traffic), until I happened upon a young man walking by himself. As the story goes (because I certainly don’t remember this), I latched onto his arm and made delightful conversation all the way home. My escort walked me all the way up to the door, waited as the strange suitor walked away, and then left me to go back to her own dorm.

Little did she know this man and I had other arrangements.

I woke up that morning pleased to find myself being spooned. Who doesn’t love an unexpected morning cuddle-fest? It wasn’t until about 45 seconds later when I realized that I had no idea whose body was pressed up against mine. Naked.

Slowly and ever-so-hesitantly, I rolled over and asked with my beer-tainted breath: “Who are you? Where did I find you?”

That is when the story of how I found, seduced and bedded the R.A. of the boys dorm next door to mine was retold to me from his sober viewpoint. Yes, he had been sober on rounds that night. And yes, I had been three sheets to the wind and riding the blackout train.

The morning after, I lay in his arms, confused and bewildered. To make matters worse, I quickly realized he had no intention of leaving any time soon. Nestled in my boobs, he looked quite content with himself. I, on the other hand, was nursing a hearty hangover and still couldn’t quite grasp where my clothes had run off to.

Not knowing what to do, I began to tell him about my family, my middle school love affair with Aaron Carter, how my dog looks when I paint her toenails pink, really anything I could think of to pass the time.  Just when I had run out of trivia information for him, my alarm went off. Salvation to the tune of Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars.”

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

The R.A., still nameless to me, looks deeply into my eyes.

“How appropriate!” He exclaimed.

I threw myself out of bed, yanked on clothes, ignored his invitation to breakfast and demanded he leave my room.

As he collected his belongings and sulked out of our love den, I couldn’t help but cringe when I noticed he couldn’t have been more than 5’2. I never known beer goggles to be so extreme.

I’m generally not a demanding girlfriend.  My requests are small, involving being somewhat tidy and helpful around my apartment (especially when he spends 80% of his time there) and cooperative and enthusiastic when we make plans together.  Seriously…that’s it.  However, I still run into issues.  Toilet seats get left up, hands don’t get washed (gaaaaaahhhh), crusted dishes are left out, and my man turns into a whiny mess whenever I take him shopping.

This could all be a thing of the past now that I’ve learned of a glorious new tool:  alcohol.  Apparently, some clothing stores are starting to serve alcohol to patrons while they shop.  These stores tend to be catered to the male population and focused on catering to the individual customer’s needs.  Men relax after a couple drinks, eliminating the social awkwardness that comes from shopping and actually taking time to think which color would go best with their eyes and the rest of their wardrobe.

Wait – all this time I’ve been passive aggressively trying to make my boyfriend clean his stubble out of my sink and I could have just been plying him with alcohol to get the job done?  Oh. My. Gawd.  I have seen the light!  Now my relationships will flow sweetly on the back of the bubbly deliciousness that is beer.

I have to wonder, though, how far alcoholic inducement will take me.  Everyone knows that after drinking a certain amount, you can be incredibly useless.  Everyone also knows that after drinking a certain amount, you can be witty, charming, intelligent, relaxed, and organized.  What if I overdo it? Then I’ll be cleaning up a mess worse than a sink full of a dishes.

Perhaps this alcohol idea isn’t so great.  It might be good every now and then as a encouragement (or a fun activity…cleaning + alcohol = win), but I think I’ll leave the art of alcoholic coercion to the masters of retail.  They can make my boyfriends into metrosexual fashionistas any time they want!  Goodness knows that I don’t need a drink to get me to start buying things…although if I had a couple in me, I would probably have a few more pairs of harem pants and silk rompers in my closet.  And probably a mumu or two (I’ll be drinking, don’t judge me).