Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get to it. We’ll throw them in a future post!

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: Lil Wayne was in my dream last night! Yeah. He had a farm. No, I mostly just made fun of his voice a lot. “Hey, girl, who knew we’d have so much in common?” And I was like “Lil Wayne, I had no idea!”

(Professor, heard from outside a chemistry lecture hall.)

Prof: Okay. Now, imagine you’re all molecules. Good. But I hate molecules! Uh-oh, really bad!

(Two girls, talking at a library study table.)

Girl 1: Were they at least cute?
Girl 2: The girl was a cute Latina woman, but the guy had a scum-stache. I had to turn up my Walkman to drown out the squelching noises.

(English professor, in a small lecture.)

Prof: Government needs hospitals and other utilities to run smoothly. Something like the Starship Enterprise.
Student: ExCUSE me?
Prof: What?
Student: Have you … have you ever even seen an episode of Star Trek?

(Guy, girl, talking in the Music building.)

Guy: Did you see the tree-lighting ceremony that year?
Girl: No, was it good?
Guy: Yeah. Josh Groban got so turned on, he ate the microphone.

(Guy, at a bus stop.)

Guy: It’s November. I’m rolling. I’m all by myself. I’m rolling, and I think I’m gonna write a Christmas song.

(Two girls, coming out of an exam.)

Girl 1: Bombed it. That was terrible.
Girl 2: I think I did okay, actually.
Girl 1: And – damnit! And I forgot to water my veggies in FarmVille!

(Guys, coming out of the gym locker room.)

Guy 1: Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift?
Guy 2: Probably Miley Cyrus. Taylor Swift looks like a cat that got hit by a makeup train.

(Guys, in the Student Union cafe.)

Guy 1: Dizzy Bat, flip cup, pong. What else.  Need some more.
Guy 2: Forty-hands?
Guy 1: Maybe.
Guy 3: Pitcher drink?
Guy 1: What’s that?
Guy 3: You drink until you pass out.

(Guy, waiting at  a Starbucks.)

Guy: Listen, if I’m gonna date a girl, I’m just saying, she’s gotta respect my ass. I got a pretty big ass. It demands a lot of respect.

It’s not always easy to make a college dorm room all your own with the standard res hall-issued furniture you’ve got in there. Sure, you can stack it up all nice and hang some fun pictures on the wall, but sometimes you want something a little different and cool to complete your pad.

Like a fun table, perhaps?

This awesome Bottle Cap Table is easy to make and will score you some major cool points from your friends, neighbors and maybe even your R.A. (as long as you don’t let him see you “collecting” bottle caps in your dry dorm). Plus, actually making the table is a party on its own: “Hey, let’s get a 12-pack of Miller Light. I have a craft project to do!”

What You’ll Need:
- Bottle caps
- Table
- Super glue (if the glue isn’t sticking well with the table, try contact cement)
- Resin (ex. Envirotex Lite)
- Masking Tape
- Aluminum foil
- Duct tape

Start Building!

1) Collect bottle caps. Ways to do this include befriending the neighborhood bartender, scouring the alleys behind bars, and buying microbrews based on how cool the caps look and not how good the beer tastes.

2) Pick a table. Head over to your neighborhood craft store, scour Craigslist or roam the streets for someone’s throwaways. Any size and shape will do.

3) Lay out your design. You could do anything from laying out similar caps in rows to creating an actual picture based on the colors.

4) Glue it down. Just remember that the bottle caps should be face down like on top of a bottle. Apply the glue generously around the edges of the cap and stick those suckers down. Make sure they’re really on there so they don’t move during the next step.

5) Wrap tape around the outside of the table. This is to make sure the glue and resin don’t run down the sides.

6) Build a barrier. Take a long piece of foil, fold it and build it up around the outside of the table (like a mini-fort) and duct-tape it on. This will build as a barrier to keep your resin from dripping all over your room.

7) Cover with resin. Follow the instructions inside the box on how to mix it then spread on a layer thick enough to cover the entire table and make an even surface.

8 ) Remove the barrier/tape, then let the table dry for 8-10 hours.

9) Put that table out on display, kick back with a beer (or some other beverage if you’re sick of the brewskis by now) and enjoy!

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower!

(Girl, talking to other girl, outside classrooms.)

Girl: He’s my boyfriend. So cute!

Girl 2: He’s my boyfriend too. I just wanna eat him up, spit him back out and eat him up again.

(Girl, complaining to other girls about something.)

Girl: Are you kidding me? That bitch! I’m sick of her. That bitch, be like, ‘bitch! Your head’s gone!’

(Guy, girl, shopping in an electronics store.)

Guy: If there were a game I’d have sex with, it’d probably be this one.

Girl: That’s gross.

(Beat)

Girl: I guess I would too, though.

(Guy, before class.)

Guy: You know, I just love it. Ribbons of blood! It’s a beautiful thing.

(Two guys, at party.)

Guy 1: Who wants do a shot with me!

Guy 2: Of what?

Guy 1: Wait, let me read the bottle. It’s … my urine!

(Two guys, talking at a concert.)

Guy 1: I don’t really like Rihanna. I’ve always like Chris Brown better. I guess that’s pretty insensitive to say, though, huh.

Guy 2: I don’t think so. I think it’s only insensitive if he’s sitting in the car behind you.

(Girl, guy, walking around a Barnes and Noble.)

Guy: I don’t get what’s so special about Josh Groban.

Girl: *chuckle*

Guy: I mean, what?

Girl: Ask your parents. They can tell you when you’re older.

(Two guys, shopping for groceries.)

Guy 1: How’s your meat.

Guy 2: Pretty spongey.

(Two girls, talking at a party.)

Girl 1: He was kind of a third wheel, right?

Girl 2: Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel. That wheel that goes flying out of the car wreck on fire after everyone dies.

(Three guys, at the bar.)

Guy 1: You going to the show with us tonight?

Guy 2: Not sure. Dunno.

Guy 1: What, you wanna stay here? And let this loser get you sick?

Guy 3: Oh, he told you about that?

Guy 1: What?

Guy 3: I’m sick. I’m dying.

"She's gonna get fat."

As college students, we are constantly inundated with new knowledge. It can be useful, thought-provoking, or crammed into our head on a Starbucks-fueled binge several hours before an exam. However, very rarely do we question the validity of all this new knowledge (unless you take philosophy classes, then you’ll question away).

That’s where College Candy comes in. We’re not going to debate whether or not the Theory of Relativity actually exists (a disappointment, I know, but I’m a communications major and stopped taking science classes after Baby Bio fresh year). However, we are here to thoroughly investigate the most widespread college knowledge (no, not rhyming): the myth.

Alright guys, I’m gonna level with you: I’m a big fan of the brewskies. I like Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale, Sweetwater 420, the occasional stein of Newcastle, and the slightly more frequent funnel full of Bud Light. I particularly like that I can drink copious amounts of beer without the consequences that would come from drinking the same amount of vodka, water & lime. Most of all, I like that beer lends itself easily to day-drinking.

What I don’t like about beer (besides how much it makes me want to sing drinking songs) is that it makes me fat.

It’s not even the eventual, slowly-creeping-towards-your-thighs fat. It’s like an immediate, “I’m so carbonated and delicious and I’m going to make you so full you can’t suck in anymore” variety of fat. So it’s no wonder that beer contributes majorly to the Freshman 15, right? Ehh, yes and no.

The typical 12 ounce beer has around 150 calories. So obviously, each one you drink adds to your bottom line of calorie intake. The more calories you consume without burning them off, the more weight you’re gonna gain (I know, it’s all very scientific). But if you carefully measure out your Stairmaster time to counteract the beer pong tournament you plan on winning later and you’re still gaining weight, it might not be Natty Light’s fault.

A strange thing happens when I drink beer. Come the end of the party/night/gameday/Happy Hour, I feel this strange magnetic force pulling me in the direction of anywhere that serves cheese fries. I’m not the only one, right?  Ok, good.

Beer, while awesome, still has alcohol in it (actually I’m pretty sure that’s what makes it awesome). Alcohol has this sneaky, two pronged approach to weight gain. In and of itself, it’s a highly caloric waste of nutritional value. On top of that, it lowers inhibitions. So not only are you more likely to make out with that guy who dressed up as a Smurf for Halloween (my best friend is still trying to get the blue body paint off of her sheets), you’re more likely to think that a Big Mac is totally worth blowing your day of careful eating and yoga. And it might not stop at the Big Mac, because we all know McDonald’s is a gateway drug to pizza and Lucky Charms.

So, while beer will make you gain weight (without exercise and self-control), another often-overlooked aspect of weight gain is beer’s BFF, Drunk Eating. The best way to avoid gaining a beer gut that isn’t even beer? Don’t stock your fridge with unhealthy crap, keep snacks in pre-portioned containers or bags, and for the love of all that is holy do not ask the cab driver to stop at Taco Bell on the way home! Instead, eat a good dinner with complex carbs and protein on nights you know you’re goin’ out big. Good judgment before 5 rounds of flip cup might just ensure better judgment after you are dubbed queen of the first try flip.

I like to think that alcohol in and of itself is good for all mankind.  It makes people happier, friendlier, and much more likely to dance like a fool if given the opportunity.  Unfortunately, your favorite spirits are probably not the most eco-friendly drinks on the block (or bar).  Instead of forgoing your Saturday nights, just swap your faves for these green alternatives and feel free to party on!

Veev:  An excellent substitute for vodka, Veev is actually manufactured from acai berries which are packed with antioxidants and anthocyanins.  What makes this drink even better, however, is the company’s commitment to the environment.  Veev donates $1 towards the Brazilian rainforest for every bottle sold, preserving their sustainable acai supply.  Veev is also the first carbon-neutral liquor company, powering all of their distillers through renewable energy.  Pass up the Smirnoff  and throw one of these back with friends (but don’t forget to toast to the Brazilian rainforest first!).

OneHope Sauvignon Blanc: I bought this baby on a whim at BevMo (5 cent sale, anyone?) and felt an instant karma boost.  With every bottle sold, OneHope donates 50% of the profits to the American Forest, a charity aimed at protecting, restoring, and enhancing our native trees and forests.  If you’re not a sauvignon blanc fan, there are several other wines to choose from, each with their own cause.  Drink chardonnay for breast cancer, merlot for AIDS, or zinfandel for our troops overseas.  Whichever you choose, you can bet you’ll feel a little buzz of goodness with every glass.

New Belgium beer:  This brewery from Fort Collins, Colorado has a long list of environmental actions and achievements.  I am not going to go through the whole list here because, well, I’m lazy.  Here are the most notable ones of the bunch:
* Decreased energy usage in their brewing and in the facility itself due to efficient lighting, sustainable building materials, and efficient brew kettles.
* Wind power and waste water are used to produce renewable energy for the factory.
* Encouragement of bike transportation by hosting an annual bike festival and giving every employee a free bike after 1 year of employment.
* Member of 1% For the Planet, meaning that they give 1% of their revenue to environmental non-profits.

ModMix organic mixers:  The name says it all – ModMix creates a line of fully organic mixers for your favorite cocktails.  This means no chemicals, no synthetic pesticides, and no harmful substances.  You can use ModMix for pretty much any drink you could imagine.  Their products include mixes for citrus margaritas, French martinis, lavender lemon drops, mojitos, pomegranate cosmos, and wasabi bloody marys.  Just be sure to mix these babies with a sustainable alcohol such as Papagayo organic rums, 4Copas tequila, or TruVodka.

We all come into college fearing that we won’t make a single friend our freshman year. So I patted myself on the back when I found a group of girlfriends that I fit in with right away. But I realized that these were new friends and could change their mind about me at any minute with no remorse, so I was always sure to be on my best behavior.

One night, we had all gone to dinner at our on-campus bar and restaurant. We were with a few older guys and they were sneaking us beer after beer, and it wasn’t long before I realized that I was three sheets (and 6 beers) to the wind. Doing my best to hold my ground and act like I wasn’t starting to feel that buffalo chicken sandwich churning in my stomach, my friends were surprised when I asked them to accompany me to the bathroom with a look of urgency in my eyes.

Three of us gathered around the tiny stall as I proceeded to barf up my entire meal and then some. They followed the standard friend protocol, holding my hair back and rubbing my back. Little did they know what they were about to witness.

I had flushed the toilet for a final time, and my friends breathed a sigh of relief, hoping the worst was over. My one friend was about to run back to the restaurant and get me a glass of water but was stopped dead in her tracks when she saw my next drunken move. Without a second thought, I had scooped my hand into the toilet bowl and begun cupping the water into my mouth. Yes, I was chugging toilet water.

They all started gagging and screaming at me to stop, but I insisted that it was OK because: “I do this all time. All my friends drink from the toilet at home!” So they let me quench my thirst right there at the porcelain toilet, cleaned me up and took me home.

The next morning, they replayed the entire scenario for me as I was a little hazy on the night’s events. I was appalled. Sadly enough, I have no idea why I said I drink toilet water all the time. To the best of my knowledge, I stick pretty religiously to the Brita and have never desired a cold glass of fresh toilet bowl water.

So on that fateful morning, I not only had to fear that my newfound friends were going to erase my number from their phonebooks, but I also had to face facts that there’s a possibility I have been drinking from the toilet while blacked-out for years now. Devastating.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Two guys, at a bar.)

Guy: I have a really good pickup line.

Guy 2: Yeah?

Guy: It’s kind of specific, though. It only works if on a black female thermophysicist.

(Guy, after watching the “Avatar” trailer.)

Guy: It looks like… ‘Gears of War’ meets ‘Fern Gully.’

(Computer science Professor, in a morning class.)

Prof: But watch! When you treat it as a mergesort, it becomes an “log n” algorithm instead of a “n log n” algorithm! F**k yeah!

(Girl, making a 911 call.)

Girl: Hi. We’re at the newspaper. We think everything’s fine. The building’s probably not burning down.

(During a break in class, girl reading a text aloud)

Girl: Praising God and condemning sex with men!

(Guys, dressing to go out.)

Guy 1: Shit! You can’t wear a tie! Now I’ve got to wear a tie!

Guy 2: And so the fashion arms race begins.

Guy 1: I’m getting my cummerbund.

(Guy, before a class.)

Guy: What I don’t understand is why you don’t just convert people into energy with “E equals MC squared.” It would be so much easier to compute.

(Professor, in class)

Professor: He’s an electrician. He knows about crime.

(Girl, watching “Star Wars”)

Girl: The physics of this makes no sense! There’s no sound in space! Stop! Stop all of this! … God, why do I talk?

(Guy, on the phone with a delivery guy.)

Guy: Okay. Yeah, sure, that’s no problem. All right. Bye. … He had to stop for gas. I told him it was fine. It was the most human moment I’ve ever had with a delivery man.

(Girl, talking to friends.)

Girl: I always imagined that you could just use the Force on your shoes, and fly. But then I guess you’d have to use the Force on all your other clothes, too, or you’d just be getting dragged around the sky by your feet.

(Two girls, eating dinner.)

Girl 1: I got some pumpkin ale. It’s in season!

Girl 2: Oh my god. What?

Girl 1: Pumpkin ale! Like, with nutmeg.

Girl 2: I thought you said ‘toilet ale.’

"Whew! Thank God I took those 5 shots last night."

In the words of Betsy from ABC Family’s Greek, “I don’t go to the gym five days a week for my health!” Could it be the drinking, Betsy?

According to a recently published study in the September/October issue of the American Journal of Health Promotion, those who are more likely to drink are also more likely to drag themselves to the gym (hungover or otherwise). Lead author Michael French, Ph. D says that “Alcohol users not only exercised more than abstainers, but the differential actually increased with more drinking.”

I knew drinking was good for my health! Take that, mom!

And it only gets better. The study showed that the more that women drank, the more time they spent exercising each week, on average. Light drinkers apparently exercised for 5.7 more minutes per week, moderate drinkers 10.1 minutes, and heavy drinkers (college students?) 19.9 minutes more per week. Yup, the study showed that women who drink were 10.1% more likely to engage in vigorous exercise (both in and out of the bedroom. Heyoooo).

But the study’s author was quick to say loud and clear that the heath risks associated with heavy drinking outweigh the benefits of more exercise. Boo(ze)!

As college women it makes a little more sense that we would have the time and motivation to exercise hard and party hard. But the study still begs the WTF about why the relationship between heavy drinking and regular exercise exists for women. Are we compensating for extra calories? Doing it out of guilt? Or are girls who choose to socialize in situations with alcohol more likely to enjoy exercise or the gym due to the social aspect of it? Do girls who like to stay in shape respond more to social pressures telling them to have a tight body and to drink heavily? Does this mean that non-drinkers are that much less likely to exercise? And who is healthier in the long-run, the active drunks or the sober slugs?

Either way, I’m not giving up my Friday runs: that 3-miler in the morning, or the one of the vodka variety later that night.

Journal reference:

1. French MT, Popovici I, Maclean JC. Do alcohol consumers exercise more? Findings from a national survey. American Journal of Health Promotion, 24(1), 2009

Mmmm beer cake.

I love drinking alcohol, but weekend after weekend of beer pong and vodka shots can get old. So I got to thinking…how can I spice up my weekly binge drinking sesh?

I hit the web in search of some “unique,” “fun” alcohol ideas, and out of these keywords came the most glorious idea I have ever heard.

Cake-tails.

It seemed so simple. Why had I never thought of this before? Why drink my calories when I can kill two birds with one stone? Gobble down baked goods from the snack table while still getting my drink on?

Within minutes I had an entire list of cocktail inspired recipes and alcohol based desserts that I knew my friends would be all over. (No seriously, if they tackled my kitchen table I wouldn’t be surprised).

So here are some of my favorites. Try them out for your next girls’ night or bring it to the house party on Saturday. (If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, make 20 mini bunt cakes for a delicious Beer Pong game.) You will most definitely be everyone’s favorite guest. Let’s be real, who is going to say no to alcohol-and-dessert-in-one? That’s right, absolutely no one.

Plus, our favorite girly cocktails can continue to live on despite the fact that the cutest thing we can drink in a beer-soaked-frat-house is a jello shot – and even that’s a luxury.

Oh and forget the milk. If you still haven’t reached your desired blood alcohol level, nothing goes better with these desserts than an ice cold glass of vodka.

That pitcher costs more than my tuition!

I am thoroughly pissed off. And you should be too.

It’s been announced that the price of beer is on the rise this fall due to the fact that sales are down and the cost of making it is up.

Now, I don’t know who is cutting back on their beer intake (how else are you supposed to cope with the declining economy and increasing joblessness?), but it sure as hell isn’t us college students.

Shotguns, kegstands, pong tournaments… we’re keeping the beer industry afloat and they want to make us pay more?!

While our loans are being cut and our financial aid is being taken away we have stuck by our beer, true and loyal customers, purchasing it in large amounts and inviting it to all of our events. Even study sesions. And this is how we are repaid for our loyalty?

I’ll tell you one thing: I’d rather re-wear socks a couple days in a row (or give them up completely and solely wear my Uggs) and save money in the laundry room than give up my beerfest on the weekends (okay, maybe on some weekdays too). But that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a royal smack in the face. Beer companies should just print a large middle finger on all of their new price tags, as they rake in even more of our nonexistent dough.

Looks like us college students will be taking yet another step down from our kegs of Miller Light, as we are forced to choke back Natty Ice. What’s next? Canned urine Milwaukee’s Best?!

Perhaps one good thing could arise from this crock-of-crap decision by the beer manufacturers – some more hard alcohol at parties, perhaps? Jungle juice does get the job done quicker, and doesn’t leave you feeling like you just ate eight helpings at Thanksgiving dinner.

And who knows? It might be a better deal now, too.