I am no devotee of SATC, but I thought that phrase was pretty genius, and started to think about the things I do when I’m totally, gloriously alone.

Now that we’re in the phase of life where living with roommates and/or significant others is par for the course, I find myself missing the weirdest things from time to time. Singing is a big one for me. Singing along to entire musical soundtracks or pop albums or whatever suits my fancy – and I mean headphones-in, top-of-my-lungs singing – while I re-organize my closet for the zillionth time and leave the rest of my room a mess.

Oooooh, or eating a plateful of random, unrelated finger/snack foods for dinner, like cheese with crackers and olives and slices of avocado and frozen spring rolls and Oreo cookies and probably an enormous bottle of coke zero (or wine, depending on the day). Eaten while sitting on the floor and watching Veronica Mars on DVD.  The list goes on.

None of these things sound super weird when I write them down, and really, they’re not. Secret single behaviors aren’t necessarily freakish – that’s not the reason they’re secret. Adding another person into the mix changes what it is you inherently love about these mini-fetishes, whatever they are. They’re not only things you do by yourself, you do them FOR yourself; comforting little rituals or indulgences, just idiosyncratic enough to raise an eyebrow, but innocuous enough that they can’t really be explained.

So come on, spill it! Ladies with lovers, anything you miss from your swinging single days? Swinging singles, anything you’re determined to never give up? What is your secret single behavior?

You’ve been killing yourself all semester to tackle mountains of coursework while finding time to hit the gym and develop the perfect bikini bod to show off in Cancun, the Dominican Republic, Miami Beach…or wherever Spring Break 2009 finds you. When the day finally arrives, you’re ready to leave all of your woes behind. In a tropical hotspot hundreds of miles away from your RA, your professors, and your “Good Girl” reputation, you’re ready to let loose.

But be careful, ladies, because there’s still plenty of ways that your spring break behavior can come back to haunt you.

You say: It’s not cheating if it’s in another country.

The Reality: If you’re on holiday with your best girlfriends, the liquor is flowing, and a sunkissed Adonis named Paolo pulls you onto the dancefloor, it can be easy to forget what’s-his-name back home. But still, a commitment is a commitment, and Paolo will be a distant memory by the end of the week. It’s never a good idea to lie to your partner, and you never know if he will, in fact, find out. Last year, a girl saw her personal life go viral after cheating on her boyfriend. He found out and got an acapella group to “serenade” her with the Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice”…in front of 1,000 fellow students.

You say: Yes! A million miles from my parents, and in this country, I’m legal to drink!

The Reality: Sure, it’s a lot harder for your parents to keep tabs on you when you’re in a different time zone, but it’s also a lot more expensive to call them long distance if your drunk ass gets busted. Some collegiate hotspots expect masses of spring break drunkards, and are prepared to handle them accordingly. Brush up on legal conduct before you take off, and try to keep yourself aware of your surroundings. An article in USA Today, for example, has expressed that students can find themselves in jail for making an “obscene gesture,” and that students arrested on drug charges in Mexico can be held up to a year before seeing a trial. Be smart, not only for your own safety, but to prevent a listing in your school paper’s Police Blotter when you return.

You Say: What do I care? I’m never going to see these people again!

The Reality: It can be a lot easier to lower your inhibitions when you don’t have to care what others think of you. But with the rise of Youtube, Facebook albums, Collegehumor.com, and the invention of camera phones and digital cameras with video recorders, it’s hard to play it safe. Hell, Joe Francis has made a multi-billion empire off of taking advantage of drunken partygoers with his Girls Gone Wild franchise. You don’t want to come home from spring break and have people come up to you at a party a month later saying, “Do I know you?” or “Aren’t you that girl who took her top off in a Wet T-shirt contest in Puerto Vallarta and then puked all over her naked breasts?” Nooooo you do not, my friends.

You say: Whatever, I trust my friends to keep a secret

The Reality: They say that once a photo hits the web, it’s impossible to completely delete it. And the post-break Facebook albums are inevitable. But the more people that have access to your pics, the more potential for these pics to be distributed. All you have to do is right-click a photo in a Facebook album and you can save it your desktop. We’ve all heard the horror stories of people getting fired for the content of pages on social networking sites. Just like the latter warning, the internet can cause your “secrets” to spiral into the public domain. It’s one thing to get drunk and tell your friend an embarrassing story, only to retract it the next morning and say that convo never happened. It’s another to try to erase your World Wide life.

You say: I just want some no-strings-attached lovin’ to get my mind off of my GPA.

The Reality: Studies have shown that spring break correlates with an increase in sexual activity – by 74 percent! Obviously, the more sexual activity, the more chances of coming home with a spring break souvenier…in the form of herpes, genital warts, chlamydia, gonorrhea…you get the idea. Besides, sure, local heartthrob Paolo may seem exotic to you, a naive American tourist, but you’re probably not his first, and you probably won’t be his last. No matter how strongly you and your pals swear each other to secrecy, an STD (or an unwanted pregnancy, for that matter) won’t be left behind.

You say: I’m in tropical paradise! I’m totally safe!

The Reality: If the above reasons to stay safe haven’t convinced you, think about the horror stories that have developed in the past few years, such as the Natalee Holloway story. If you’re worried about your sh*t spread all over campus, how about when your tragedy becomes worldwide news, and people start making their own assumptions about your spring break behavior?

Even if you are trying to play it safe, in a foreign land, it can be more difficult to get the medical assistance you need, should something go awry. And with all the booze that’s flowing, the chances of getting seriously hurt escalate. The aforementioned USA Today article cited a young girl who fell off of a balcony and died after drinking too much; I’m sure there are countless scratches, scrapes, black eyes, and ankle sprains that haven’t made the papers – and they’re all telltale signs you had too much fun over Break when you get back to class.

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

I cheated on my last boyfriend.

No, it wasn’t a long, torrid love affair. It wasn’t kinky sex with a Jeremy Piven lookalike. In fact, there was no sex involved. All I did was make out with a co-worker. But still, cheating is cheating, so tonsil hockey still counts in my book. It also counted in my boyfriend’s book. And it counted in his sister’s book…and she was the one who witnessed the fiasco.

It was innocent enough; I didn’t intend to cheat. I wasn’t emotionally attached to my co-worker. We just got blackout drunk at a bar and swapped saliva for about half an hour.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I’d done something wrong. Yup, I had. My boyfriend’s sister asked me if I remembered making out with “Frank.” Immediately, my heart sank. I got dizzy. I wanted to throw up. My mind started racing a mile a minute, as is standard anxiety-attack protocol. Why would I do something like that with Frank, a guy I had absolutely no interest in, when I was happy and in love with her brother?

A lot of people will disagree with me for saying this, but cheating can be hard on the cheater. I was ashamed of myself, I cried, and I regretted doing so many shots the night before. What’s a cheater to do when they’ve crossed the line with someone else?

1. Ask yourself if it meant anything. Did you cheat because you like the other guy? Do you want a relationship with him? Did you cheat because you aren’t happy with your current boyfriend? I think in my case, deep down, I was scared, because I was in the most serious relationship I’d ever been in. Things were moving fast, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be shackled down and on the fast track to Housewifesville. I think that’s why I dabbled with a guy who meant nothing to me. But that’s my own conclusion. If you’ve cheated on any level (and there are some people out there who believe in emotional cheating as well), you need to get to the root of your own behavior before you can move on and deal with it with your man.

2. Weigh the options: To tell, or not to tell. I pretty much had to tell my boyfriend, because I am the dumbass who decided to cuckold her man in front of his sister. She probably would have told him if I hadn’t done it myself. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t have told, because my conscience gets to me if I snap at a telemarketer, and I probably would have been guilt-ridden for the remaining duration of my relationship if I’d kept it quiet. On the other hand, to what degree does “What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him” apply? Like I said, I wasn’t into my cheating-partner AT ALL. It never happened again, and Frank and I never talked about our random makeout sesh. So even though it meant nothing to Frank and me, it meant a lot of pain for my boyfriend. That said, you have to seriously consider all of the consequences and do what you think is most fair to your man. I’m not saying “Don’t tell him, and avoid being dumped,” because sorry, cheater, you brought this on yourself. But I do believe that there may be some instances where your man might be better off not knowing. That part’s up to you.

3. Talk to him. If you do decide to come clean, the “Hey, sweetie, I collected a DNA sample from another dude” talk isn’t going to be pretty. Telling the truth might be the moral way to go, but you have to realize that when you tell him you cheated, you are putting the ball completely in his court. From here, it’s really his decision as to whether you two work things out, or whether he kicks your ass to the curb. He might need some time to think about things, or you may have to have several discussions to work it out. You have to be patient with your guy– after all, you made the decision to cheat in the first place, so you’ll have to reap what you sew.

4. Prepare for the future. If you have the talk and decide to work things out, you have to commit to NOT cheating again, ever. If your guy can forgive you once, that’s great, but don’t test him a second time. Also, even if he does forgive you, it might be difficult (or even impossible) to get back to the way things were before. He might have difficulty trusting you, and, if he knows the guy you cheated with, he probably won’t want you hanging out with that guy again.

While it’s normal to have a few bumps in the road as you try to work things out, don’t let your guy guilt-trip you forever. Remember, you were honest enough to come clean and work things out, but you don’t deserve to have your mistake hanging over your head for the rest of your life. If you can work things out as mature adults, good for you. If you can’t, and he leaves you, it might suck for a while, but in the end, it was probably meant to be. Another guy will come along… and hopefully you will have learned your lesson and be more faithful the next time around.

A new study, the results of which appear in the October issue of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that Facebook profiles can mirror the narcissism of their owners.

Besides being synonymous with being “egotistical,” “self-centered,” and “self-absorbed,” narcissism affects the ability of a person to form healthy, long-term relationships. According to W. Keith Campbell, a professor at the University of Georgia who co-authored the study in question, “Narcissists are using Facebook the same way they use their other relationships – for self promotion with an emphasis on quantity of over quality.”

You know those people that add you as a friend after a 30-second convo, or because you know one of their friends (or their friend’s friends?) The ones who have 10,562 friends…in their main network alone? These Facebookers also have a variety of photo albums on their page– most of which are full of self-portraits and glamour shots taken in the mirror. These are the FB users who most clearly exhibit signs of narcissism.

The growth spurts of social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace have grabbed the attention of behaviorists who want to explore how personality traits are expressed online. “We’ve undergone a social change in the last four or five years and now almost every student manages their relationships through Facebook – something that few older people do,” asserts Campbell. “It’s a completely new social world that we’re just beginning to understand.”

I wonder what else we can learn from peoples’ Facebook quirks. For example: what do we learn from the girl who changes her status every five seconds, so you always know EXACTLY where she is and what she’s doing? How about the guy you haven’t talked to in months, yet still comments on all of your new FB photos, your status, even what other people are writing on your wall?

What would you like to learn from Facebook? Do you agree with this study?

On Saved by the Bell, Elizabeth Berkley gained pre-Showgirls notoriety, for the famous Jessie Spano Caffeine Pill Breakdown (I’m so excited! I’m so scared!). Of course, Full House and SBTB were heart-warming sitcoms, where everyone learns their lesson in the end, and move away from their self-destructive behavior, never to mention anorexia, bullimia, or drug abuse ever again.

The breakout Canadian teen sensation, Degrassi, which airs in the US on The N network, covers a variety of teen issues, without the cavity-inducing sugary sweetness of the stuff we grew up on. Among the kids who dabble in drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, and bi-polar disorder, Degrassi introduced the world to Ellie Nash, who is a cutter.

I’m too old for Degrassi, but I don’t care. I’m pretty much obsessed with it. The best part about the show is that it doesn’t sweep the issues under the rug at the end of each 22-minute episode. And because the writers have the balls to “Go There.” I mean, come on: we all know the caffeine-pill incident was a stand-in for a harder drug, like speed or something, but hard drugs don’t exist at Bayside High.

I remember when the cutting craze swept my middle school. I have no idea who started it, or why it caught on, but at my school, cutting was the iPhone of the late 90′s. Everybody did it. How sick is that? Needless to say, I went through a period of self-mutilation. Before I explain, let me insist that hurting yourself is completely different from, say, suicidal tendencies. I didn’t want to die; I just wanted an outlet to relieve stress. So, when I got upset about some stupid middle-school-drama, I would sit in my room and make little cuts on my wrists or abdomen.

I know, this habit is totally lame, and morbid, and… did I mention lame? And that’s why I stopped; it was embarrassing to have to wear chunky bracelets or long sleeved shirts in the summer. When people asked what happened, I had to make up stupid excuses, and try not to look like a pseudo-goth psychopath. The “trend” at my school faded away along with flared jeans and Chumbawumba, and I grew out of my own habit.

But, there’s still a part of me that gets the urge to cut from time to time. Even though I am way to old to be relating to a fictional character like Ellie Nash, there was an episode where Ellie explains to some other troubled teen that her urge to cut is something she has to live with, not something that will go away. If I’m pissed off after a bad day at work, or stressed about an exam, sometimes I have the urge to hurt myself. It’s almost like craving a cigarette. Of course, I have healthier outlets to relieve stress, e.g. the Elliptical machine at the Y.

So, for whatever reason, cutting has been around for some time, and it is most likely to occur in teenage girls. Many of them will grow out of it, like I did, but there are cases when the habit can snowball and lead to serious outcomes. I think that shows like Degrassi do a better justice to the trials and tribulations of growing up, because we can’t all have a Zack Morris run into our bedroom and throw our problems on the floor.

Though the government strongly opposed her behavior, the media has dubbed Monserrat Morilles La Diosa Metro, or “Metro Goddess.” The attemped performance outside of the palace followed a series of stripteases that Morilles carried out on Santiago subways.

Whereas the U.S. rewards nudity with notoriety (look at NYC’s Naked Cowboy!), Chilean society isn’t quite so liberated. In an attempt to make the introverted Chile a “happier” country, Morilles boarded the metro at one station, and performed a striptease while the train sped to the next station, where the entertainer deboarded the car.

I wonder if American media has influenced the Metro Goddess in any way? Stripping in front of a government office? Maybe VH1 should pick her up and give her her own reality dating show.

Yes, I know that I am one. Yes, I realize that makes me hypocritical.

So before you all jump on the attack bandwagon, let me at least explain my position. It’s not girls I don’t like, per se. It’s just things about them. For example:

• The obsession with appearance. Yeah, I realize it’s sometimes important to look good. I even fall victim to this one sometimes. But the real problem I have is with girls who will goggle at a full closet of clothes and whine, “I have nothing to wear!” or girls that will try on something in a dressing room and then ask their poor boyfriends, “Does this make me look fat?”

Hello, ladies. He knows the drill. He’s not going to tell you it makes you look fat, because he cares about you (for reasons I will never understand). If you can’t ask an opinion question that has more than one right answer, don’t ask it at all.

• The crooked way they communicate. When you talk to a guy, it’s so straightforward. Everything is right there on the table; take it or leave it. When you talk to a girl, though, especially if it’s about something serious, the girl will tend to skirt the issue and ask leading questions and not be entirely truthful and….AAHHH! It drives me up the wall!

If you’re turning down a friend’s invitation to hang out, tell it like it is. Say, “I know this is stupid, but the hot physics prof is giving a seminar during that time” instead of “Oh, yeah, I would REALLY like to, but I have to go to this seminar for class.”

• The way they do things in groups. Sorry, ladies, but I’m with the guys on this one. WTF do you need to go to the bathroom in groups for? A bathroom isn’t for chatting and reapplying your mascara unless you’re having a serious appearance crisis. It’s for doing your business. Guys find this behavior bewildering for a reason—because it is bewildering. The same goes for other activities, too. If you want to see a movie but your best friend can’t go, go anyway. You’re the one who wants to see the movie. Have some independence.

• The way they scream and coo. If most girls even see a spider, they will immediately begin to scream blue murder. If the spider is on the girl, then you might as well kiss your eardrums goodbye. Seriously, girls, let’s get a grip here. An insect does not pose a threat to you unless it is poisonous, and most aren’t. To the insect, you are a giant with unimaginable power. Try acting like one.

I also want to gag when a girl will coo over how cute something is. Puppies, kittens, babies, a napkin folded like a swan, whatever: to most girls, it’s all “cute.”

No wonder so many guys think girls are airheads! Do you think your poodle enjoys getting shaved in some weird pattern and then being tied with a pink bow? The answer is no. If you want someone to sit up and take notice, express an intelligent thought instead of cooing about how adorable things are.

Now that I’m wrapping up, I might as well acknowledge something. Since all girls reading this are screaming, “You bimbo, not all girls are like that!” I’ll be the first person to admit that yes, I know that. Obviously I know that, because I’m a girl and yet all of these things disgust me. CC readers seem to be pretty smart chicks who have no difficulty expressing eloquent thoughts, so most of you all probably aren’t like the girls I hate, either.

But still—every time I call something “cute,” I internally kick myself.

• Telling your parents your new boyfriend is an Eagle Scout isn’t as appealing now, is it? (clickondetroit.com)

• UMass student gets C, sues school, is total crybaby. Is also as old as our father. Gross. (boston.com)

• Atlantic City Mayor goes AWOL. Atlantic City resident appoints himself new mayor. (kyw.com)

• Stop being rude at work…everyone’s talking about you. (jhu.edu)

• This is the best dog I’ve ever seen! (UK Dailymail)

• Three hilarious scenes from one of the best comedies ever. Plus, I love Paul Rudd. (COED Magazine)

• Sunday is National Porn Sunday. This (and some other) churches are totally celebrating. Awkward. (nwfdailynews.com)