It blows my mind how many people have sex without ever communicating to their partners about their likes and dislikes. As much as we might will it to happen, our partners aren’t mind readers. Chances are they’re going off of what worked for them in the past, what they wish you would do to them in return, or what they’ve seen in porn. While you might get lucky and it’ll do the trick, most people need a few pointers in order to really get what works for you

I know, I know, talking explicitly about sex can be a little awkward sometimes (well, I would assume it is for some people… I do it on a weekly basis so I’m kinda used to it). Not to be too blunt, but if you can’t talk about what you’re going to do, you shouldn’t be doing it. That said, I want all my readers to be getting the satisfying sex they deserve, so here’s some pointers on how to communicate effectively what you like without sounding like a dominatrix:

“It feels really good when you do that” – Oh, it’s almost painfully obvious. If your partner is doing something great, tell them! If they know how much you like it, they’re just going to want to do it more. While moaning is nice, sometimes it’s better to be a little more forward. Just say it.

“It was really great when you…” – Again, not to sound too much like Oprah, but reinforce the good things. Let him/her know that that thing they just did was awesome, and you’d like it if they did that more often. If they’re GGG, they’ll take your feedback and run with it.

“Could you please…” – This one is a little scary at first, but trust me, people would rather be nicely asked what to do in bed than find out that the whole time they were doing something wrong.

“When I’m alone, I do this thing that works really well for me.” – Ah yes, not only will your partner be more than happy to hear about your masturbatory habits and how well that’s workin’ for ya, but you can show him/her what you’re wanting and get them to join in. Sounds like a good time to me.

“A friend of mine did this thing, and he/she said it was great.” – Also interchangeable with “I saw/read/heard about this thing.” I would suggest though, not saying that you like something a past partner did. While some people are okay with that, most people like to not picture in detail your sexual past. Saying what you like is, of course, the point, but your partner doesn’t need to necessarily know how/when you learned you liked such things.

Porn – I don’t know how I feel about endorsing this per se, but back in the day when I was too shy to just spit it out, I showed an ex boyfriend a porn clip in order to get the point across. “I didn’t know that’s how it’s done but she seems like she’s enjoying herself, maybe we should try that…” was something along the lines of what I said. I’m slightly embarrassed now about my lack of metaphorical balls to just say what I wanted, but being young I figured any kind of correction would’ve been ego bruising. But for the record, it did work, albeit in a slightly manipulative way. God, I don’t miss high school.

You can use me as an excuse, it’s okay – You can always bring up that this super-awesome Canadian girl who writes the sex column for CollegeCandy (and is also really modest) wrote about communication this week. It got you thinking — is there anything your partner wants that they haven’t told you about yet? Asking what your partner likes/dislikes first will most likely lead to them asking you the same question. Oh, I’m so helpful! Hehehe (forgive me, it’s really late..).

How have you guys talked to partners in the past? Do you have your own trick on communicating what you want?

So, how do you deal?

Some go for the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. It makes sense; it’s always easier to come up with some reason that conveniently puts the blame on you rather than telling your soon-to-be ex that he really isn’t that funny and you’d rather stab your eyes out with a fork than hear another one of his lame jokes. And, sure, by doing so, you save face and spare their feelings, but ultimately, you’re not being completely honest if you can’t come out and tell them exactly why you’re ending it.

If I’ve ever had to break up with someone, I always try to be as honest as possible, but keep his or her feelings in mind. For example, when my ex and I of four years were falling apart (and even though I still loved him at the time) I knew I had to cut the cord. When I sat him down to discuss why we needed to break up, I was honest: we were killing each other, fighting all the time and I knew it wasn’t going to get any better, ever.

It was an incredibly hard conversation to have, but after 4 years, I felt he deserved that respect.

Wouldn’t you want the same respect shown to you? If you were doing something wrong in a relationship, wouldn’t you want someone to give you enough respect to have him or her tell you what you did wrong to ruin it? You wouldn’t want someone you loved giving you the lame, “I’m just really busy right now,” so why would you use it yourself?

Breaking up sucks and while it’s easier to lie and make up some excuse about how you need some space to figure out what you want, it will hurt. So, be the strong woman that you are and give it to him straight; you will both feel better about it in the long run (and maybe even take some tips with you to your next relationship).

(Photo courtesy of popmatters.com)

He wants to do me.

He wants to do me not.

He wants to do me…

…Then never call again, do me, then tell all of his friends, do me, then flip out about my guy friends…the list goes on. If only the “He wants to do me” sentence could exist without the predictable post sex behavior, I would be living in a much more sexually satisfying world.

The problem with most guys who I have encountered is this: They really believe that if they have intercourse with a girl, she will flip out and suddenly be in love. Maybe all of the guys I know have simply given themselves too much credit because I’m always recycling the same kind of guy over and over again: Artsy and ARROGANT.

I suppose that, for me, there’s a degree of truth to this. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to be in love with anyone. Being in love is a shamefully painful experience to me, honestly. I’d rather be in the casual sex club…but the older I get..the harder it is to stay a member of that club.

I can’t just have sex with a stranger and never really talk to him again anymore. No. All of the guys I’ve met lately want something intense and meaningful AND CASUAL. How can I possibly not start to melt when you’re kissing me for the third consecutive hour? Or when you always want to go on romantic “dates”. It’s like the guys who I have crossed paths with need some sexual sense knocked into them, so here I am to do it gladly:

Dear pending/potential/past lovers,

You have two choices with me.

1. We can do the casual sex thing. But do you know what that means? It means…keep it casual. Don’t make me mix cds; don’t call me pet names. Don’t expect me to calm you down from your anxiety attacks and don’t send me tragically sweet text messages. Don’t act possessive or insecure. Don’t even MENTION our “connection” to me. Just keep it casual! When you throw in all of these other elements; you’re asking for trouble. If you want something casual with me…then don’t tell me I’m special. Because I don’t want to hear it.

OR

2. We can actually work on something real. Unlike most girls, “something real” does not necessarily involve titles or monogamy to me. But it does require honesty about your intentions and open communication. OUR sex can evolve into something much more passionate and intense than those in category 1. We can even be best friends. But if all you really want is sex, go ahead and spare us both the wasted hours of talking til dawn and sign yourself up for my first category.

You don’t have to be my soul mate to have sex with me. But you do need to be honest.

With that said; I’m taking applications, boys. (Triple check your spelling if you ever want to see my bed!)