So, who are the people’s favorite A-listers?

Is that Eva Mendes’ nipple?

So this is what the Woman of the Year wears…

Real leather jackets…for under $250?

The coolest wheelbarrow race I’ve ever seen.

Joel Madden really doesn’t like Britney’s vajay.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which D-List celebrity is more annoying, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between none other than our two favoritest of celeretards: Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Who will take the d-bag cake? It’s a really difficult decision to make, so let’s break it down.

Music

Paris Hilton founded heiress records and released her first self-titled album, Paris. Her first single “Stars are Blind” was a top ten hit in 17 countries leading to Paris’s Installation of a professional recording studio in her house. More tunes to come. Oy?

Heidi Montag leaked several of her “hits” on the internet including “Body Language,” which features her fiance Spencer Pratt rapping. Her latest single “Touch Me” is now available on iTunes, as is her music video. Both got terrible reviews.

Point: Heidi Montag. Have you seen that music video?

Religion

Paris Hilton converted to Kabbalah for about 5 seconds, giving her the opportunity to sport a little red string bracelet along with the rest of Hollywood.

Heidi Montag loves Jesus and the Bible. We know this because she constantly talks about Jesus and the Bible on her Twitter, to the press, and on The Hills. (Editor’s note: The real question is – can Jesus possibly love her?!)

Point: Paris Hilton. Religion should not be practiced for the purpose of new accessories.

Dating History

Paris Hilton has dated a long line of douche bags including Benji Madden, Cisco Adler, Stavros Niarchos III, Nick Carter, Rick Salomon and, most recently, Doug Reinhardt.

Heidi Montag dated and is currently engaged to “King of the Douchebags,” Spencer Pratt. The couple are set to wed this weekend, maybe for real this time.

Point: Heidi Montag. See “King of the Douchebags” reference. He takes the cake. I just wish it was in his face.

Say What??

Paris Hilton

• “Walmart… Do they, like, sell walls there?”
• “I’m like an American Princess”
• “What’s a soup kitchen?”
• “A true Heiress is never mean to anyone- except a girl who steals her boyfriend”

Heidi Montag

• “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted and I’m going to get persecuted, you know?”
• “The minute we said our vows I couldn’t stop crying.”
• “I want, like, four [children]. Maybe I’ll adopt ten. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa.

Point: Paris Hilton. People who think Walmart sells actual walls should not be allowed to be quoted.

Rise to Fame

Paris Hilton became a household name after her adult film “One Night In Paris” was released and continued to grace the screen on “The Simple Life” with Nicole Richie where the two friends tried to accomplish difficult tasks like camping, and shopping at Walmart. She then talked to every major media outlet about her feud with former frenemy and co-star Nicole Richie.

Heidi Montag befriended Lauren Conrad and landed herself a spot on MTV’s “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills.” She also talked to every media outlet about feud with (former?) frememy Lauren Conrad. If Letterman wasn’t enough, Montag also has paparrazzi on speed dial anytime she happens to be running on the beach.

Point: Paris Hilton. While both love to publicly fight with former best friends and enjoy reality TV gigs, it was Paris’s short loved porn career that really earned her this crucial point.

Lunchtime liposuction?

Online shopping made even easier.

Rihanna is not buying Chris Brown’s apology.

Katy Perry is not bumping uglies with Benji Madden.

Carolina Herrera hair and makeup how-to.

How does sex in space work, exactly?

Live luxuriously on a budget.

M.I.A’s baby is adorable!

A-Rod specifies what drug he used.

The new Facebook terms are not that big of a deal, so chill the eff out, people.

Lindsay Lohan is skinny cuz she’s stressed! Duh!

Conan gets ready to move to LA (and an earlier timeslot).

The perfect liquid eyeliner. So good.

Michael Phelps gets off for the bong hit.

Should you use heavier dumbbells or do more reps?

Bridging the (drinking) gender gap.

Miley Cyrus won’t be leaving Casa De Billy Ray anytime soon…

Tame those drinking habits. You know, if you want to…

MAC makes choosing the perfect color easy!

The best beauty trends of 2009…for $20 or less.

Is Katy Perry kissing Benji Madden? And if so, does she like it?

And dressed in leather.

$400 of makeup products for free? Sign me up!

Don’t like Obama? Here are some tips for livin’ abroad.

Everyone was lookin’ hot at last night’s American Music Awards.

Spend less money at the bar.

Megan Fox hearts Zac Efron. Get in line, sister.

No more selling sex on Craigslist for free, ladies.

The First Lady has quite a booty.

Is Suri Cruise the next Paris Hilton?

Mac teams up with Hello Kitty. So cute.

Note to self: keep potatoes away from butt.

What every girl should know: A guide to high heels!

Fat Man’s Sex Ramp…yup, it’s exactly what you think.

Estee Lauder vs. Lancome: Which is worth the mascara splurge?

Finals are coming up…here are some ways to prep.

Weatherproof your style!

Madge and Guy are officially done-zo…

…and so are Paris and Benji.

What the eff is a Turbaconducken??

Christmas is fast approaching…here are some gift ideas for your guy!

Is Barrack bringing sexy back??

Paris Hilton has a new fragrance that’s called Fairy Dust (note: it is not white, and you cannot snort it), and supposedly, one little spritz smells like:

“…top notes of sparkling Prosecco accord, orange blossom, and pink peony. The middle notes will consist of spring gardenia, water lilly, and peach nectar, and the blend will finish off with bottom notes of cashmere musk, sueded patchouli, and vanilla cream“.

Now, we thought P. Hilton’s new scent was going to smell more like sweat, tanning lotion, and tepid fame, but water lilies and sueded patchouli it is.   What about you?  If you could guess, what would you guess Fairy Dust would smell like?

But whatever, I’m so over Benji and I am totally hearting Chris now. Nicole can KEEP Benji all to herself now.

My new boyfriend like OWNS MySpace so he can help me redo my page so that way if I wanted to really run for President, he’d make it so that the whole country can vote on my page instead of having to go to those polls. Those are probably like really far and out of the way for everyone. But whatever, the election is like next year so that’s plenty of time. I bet we’ll be married by then!!

I don’t normally like to get so serious – but Blackberry, I’m lonely. Like sure I have sex with any guy who gives me the *look* but I don’t have any girls to call to tell them about my sex or if it burns when I pee. LA is too full of jealous girls whose boobs are bigger than mine so I decided that I’m going to go to London to find my new best friend. I think that it’s in France so that means that we can shop there together and everything.

It’s been a hard summer but with my new gray haired boyfriend and finding my new best friend, I think that this fall might be okay. For realzies!

Okay, I’m gonna get ready for this Hamptons party. Maybe I’ll find another boyfriend there. Chris will be totally cool about it, I’m sure.

Kisses,

Paris

Like the fact that Hollywood is breaking apart at the seams.

Seriously, everyone is heading to break-up city! Even the rock solid couples…

Like Paris and Benji! Say it ain’t so! I thought this was the real thing. I thought this was forever. I guess “forever” in Paris’s mind means, “Until something more scandalous comes along that can get me back in the public eye.” This time, it was Chris DeWolfe, the Co-Founder of Myspace, that did the trick. And, while I liked the idea of her and Nicole having matching husbands, I think this new couple is a match made in heaven. She loves overwhelming the world with pictures of herself….and he runs the company that does just that.

I just can’t wait to see what kind of pictures/videos surface online from this relationship. A Night in Paris Part Deux?

But those two weren’t the only ones going their separate ways this week. Looks like Jennifer Aniston is also back on the market on this lovely Wednesday morning. Dumped by John Mayer! I am sure she is heartbroken – the poor girl just can’t catch a break when it comes to romance – but look on the bright side, Jen! You got to have sex with John Mayer (and Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn….drool); even if it is over now, at least you can have those memories.

Breaking up sucks, especially when you are in the public eye, and no amount of alcohol/chocolate/pot can make you feel better. But, when it comes down to it, being single really isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s really f-ing wonderful. Maybe Jen should try that out for a bit. If that doesn’t work, I know a great place to meet a guy…and I don’t even mind acting as her Wingman.

I have been so busy and my life has been so hard. No one understands how hard it is to be me. Every1 is so jealous of me that they have to find ways to bring me down. Especially now that Nicole has that dumb, stupid baby.

Like last week – I had a superhot photo shoot to do and I had a smarty idea. The smartyest – like, you know how I always look hot in all of the picshurs that I take. Like every single one. Well, I was thinking like how can I make myself like an even gooder model. And geniousosity – the only thing that could make a picture of me more better would be a PUPPY!

So I pulled over right away to buy one and the store WOULDN’T LET ME. Something about how I don’t feed them or whatever – but like, I hug my puppies when I feel like it and, sometimes, I bring them out to the clubs with me like a good puppy mommy. And if I don’t put them in my closet, then where else would they go? Besides, if I don’t need to eat a lot and I’m so tall, they don’t need to eat either because they’re so tiny and preshus.

But, whatevs. If they won’t let me buy one, then I’ll just have a puppy of my own. Afterall, babies get people all the magazine covers….and I look so supercute holding them.

Plus, I need to have a dog close to me all the time. Puppies make me so happy with their puppy breath and their puppy eyes and their puppy-ness.

:sigh:

What would I do without my Benji? He’s the best pet ever. Especially because he feeds himself.

I’m going to go to this other pet store in Hollywood to see if they’ll let me buy a doggie.

XO

Paris