Paris Hilton was caught out on the town last night with the new love-of-her-life, Benji Madden, in a somewhat loose fitting turquoise dress. Rumors have already swarmed the various media outlets that she is with child and let me be the first to say: dear Lord, help us all.

Let’s first discuss the implications of what it means to have a mini-Paris walking around. Ew, for one. But also, is this chick seriously trying to clone herself to be Nicole Ritchie? First, she hops on the Madden boy train, then onto their tour bus with them, then onto various TV shows where she claims he is the person she is going to marry, (because they’ve been together oh so long and all) and now she could potentially be knocked up?

I can just picture it now: little Paris Jr. walking around Beverly hills with a miniature Chihuahua, blonde hair swept to the side like mommy’s, fighting off photogs with her signature pose, that will be dubbed, “the mini-Pari”.

If that happens, I am moving to Mars.

Now, the alternative. Why is Hollywood so convinced that everyone in clothes that actually fit them properly – versus the tight, barely able to breathe ensembles – is packing a little munchkin in their tummy? Albeit Ashlee Simpson was with Wentz child after all (duh!), but not everyone is trying to hide something under their bohemian, flowing outfits. Maybe Paris is just trying out a new style, the same way she did with the butchered blonde bob she’s been trying to grow back since the disaster that was the haircut happened. Read More »

Dear Blackberry,

I have been sooooo busy; I totally haven’t been able to write to you until now! Like I’ve even been too busy for Benji and I totally love him. Not like I love you or Tink or myself. Or all of my mirrors. And my car. And my reflection in store windows. But I love him. Screw all of those other guys. This is for real. You know how I know it’s for real?

Because I get to go on tour with his band. He knows that music is my life. I bet he’ll want me to sing with them soon and then they’d be even more famouser! He totally gets me.

Did I tell you that he takes me to all of these made-up places? South Africa – you never heard of it either, right? Like West Africa is a real country, but South? Also, he can wear my hats. That means that when I play dress up with my doggies he’ll fit right in. It’s so totally perfect. Read More »

Dear Blackberry,

I just got back from Vegas and I am so hungover. Me and Benji spent the whole weekend together.

He got mad at me for five minutes on Friday because I forgot that it was his birthday, but whatever – I pay someone to be my thinker and rememberer but then I remembered that I don’t like talking to smart people so how was I supposed to know?

See? I’m smart enough to remember the important things. He had no right to be mad at me, right, Blackberry?

You know why I like you, Blackberry? Cuz I can tell you stuff and you don’t tell anyone else, not even Nikki or that attention whore mom Nicole.

You know that Nicole only had a baby cuz the magazines weren’t putting her on the cover, right? And she’s so pathetic – she’s like still hanging all over Benji when everyone knows that he’s with me. I think he’s like magic though – like they’ll take pictures with me and him somewhere and then there will be pictures of him and Nicole together at like almost the same time. I know what she’s trying to do. It’s not gonna work. Read More »