Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. (You KNOW this.)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I stole my best friend’s boyfriend.

I know it sounds bad but here’s the situation. She didn’t love him. They were just dating because he asked her out and she was too lazy to break up with him. She was always complaining that he wasn’t thoughtful enough or romantic enough and etc.

But I saw something really special in this guy. Let’s call him T. He is the nicest sweetest person and we always had chemistry. I actually introduced them. T and I had a lit class together and we always hung out. I took him to a party and he though my best friend was really cute so I set them up.

But then I watched how she treated him (not good — making him carry things and complaining about him to me behind his back) and I realized I had developed feelings for him.

One day we were hanging out and I don’t know why I told him — and he said he felt the same way!

Anyway, he broke up with my best friend and we started dating. We were going to keep it secret but everyone found out kind of quickly.

So now my best friend won’t speak to me. We’ve been friends since the beginning of college (we’re juniors now) and I can’t stand the idea of losing her. But I don’t think it’s fair of her to keep me from dating the guy of my dreams just because she dated him for three months.

Help!

Found Love

Dear Found Love,

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! Why would you write to me with this?! WHYYYY?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW I MUST SMASH YOU?!?!?!??!??!

Okay, look. No. Bad dog. Heel. You can’t just convince this guy to stop seeing your best friend to see YOU and then expect your best friend to be fine with it. Seriously. Are you kidding me?! If you REALLLLLLLY  think this is, like, THE ONE, then here’s what you SHOULD have done: You should have gone to your best friend and TOLD HER. Is that so hard?! I mean, a little communication between besties?! SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, you should have told her, and then you should have figured out a way to handle it where no one’s feelings got hurt. Instead, you went behind her back and flirted with him and told HIM and then he dumped her for you. TOTALLY HUMILIATING for her. I’d hate you too.

Listen, um, your relationship with your best friend is probably unsalvageable. If you really care about her, you can try to go beg and plead and apologize. However, something tells me you DON’T really care about her. Because if you did, you never woulda done her this way. Look, you got your guy. What do you want?

Peace, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Recently, I’ve had one of the worst things happen to me that could happen to any college student: I had a falling out with my best friend. It was bad. The kind of thing you see in movies, where there’s yelling and tears. She pretty harshly informed me that she didn’t like me anymore. After three years of living together and being close friends, she ditched me to be BFFLs with another girl whom she finds to be more “exciting.”

But that’s not the problem I’m writing to you about. The problem lies in ones of the things my ex-bestie said to me during this final conversation. After basically listing all the things about me that she didn’t like, she also informed me that she didn’t like my boyfriend, John. When I asked why, she said it was because she “didn’t get him.” When I pressed her for a more legitimate reason, she wasn’t really able to give one. She just went on to say that pretty much everyone I knew felt like I was settling for him because I couldn’t find anyone else, and that the fact that I’d date a chubby guy is gross. A little background on my relationship with John: We’ve been dating for 2 months. He’s pretty much my first boyfriend. It took me a long time to find a guy, I won’t lie about that. I’m 21, and John is only the 3rd guy I’ve ever kissed. And yet, I knew from the time I met him that I liked him. He and I just click, and he treats me like gold. He even went out of his way to make sure that he made a good impression on my now ex-bestie when I introduced the two of them, because he wanted my friends to think he was a good person.

Needless to say, he failed. Anyhow, my whole point with this rant is that I’ve been having a nagging feeling ever since she said those things about John. I find myself wondering, “Am I settling for him?” Whenever we’re together, the feelings I have for him are like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But sometimes, when I’m at class during the day or in my room in the evenings, I start thinking about every interaction John and I had that day, searching through my memories for something about him I don’t like, a red flag that maybe I AM in fact just settling, and maybe I’ve just convinced myself that I like him more than I actually do. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. I really like John, but yet I’m constantly questioning whether I’m just desperate and I don’t even realize it. My best friend really got inside my head by saying that I was only going out with John for the sake of going out with someone after 21 years of being single.

I just don’t know what to do. In every relationship, there are things about the other person that you won’t like. I know that much for certain. My fear is just that maybe my has-been BFF was right, and I’m in some weird sort of denial about John. I start thinking about little things about him that aren’t ideal. He sometimes forgets to shave before we make out, he doesn’t exercise as much as he should, he snores — does the fact that there are some things about John that I don’t absolutely love me mean that I’m ignoring negative things about him for the sake of just having a boyfriend? In essence, am I therefore settling for him?

Then I get back to thinking about all the ways in which John makes me happy. He smells amazing, he calls me the sunshine of his life, he and I can talk about anything, his chubbiness makes him an excellent person to cuddle with, and he’s smart and funny. Shouldn’t that be enough to indicate that I really truly want to be with him? How do I stop obsessing over what my old best friend said and just enjoy being with John?

Please Help me.

Sincerely,
Words Managed to Hurt Me

Dear Words Managed To Hurt Me,

What the?!

Girl, you need a serious chill pill. Geez. Just reading this gives me anxiety. Calm the floop down.

You’ve been dating John for TWO MONTHS. Settling, not settling–who gives a shoop?! You barely KNOW the guy!!!

I say, if you like John, date John. You seem to like John. So date John. Until you don’t like John.

I mean, honestly. Isn’t that dating?! Meet someone, date someone, like someone and keep dating someone, dislike someone and stop dating someone.

IT’S SERIOUSLY NOT THAT HARD.

So if you like John, keep up the good work.

However, I am seriously concerned here about your lack of good judgement.

First of all, you seem more concerned about whether or not you’re “in denial” about your feelings for John than you are about, oh, say, your fallout with your best friend.

Now, she may just be a craphead. In which case, yes, by all means, forget about her.

But it sounds like she has some serious concerns about you, and it’s in your best interest to at least consider them. After all, this is a person who cared about you very much for a number of years, and it’s certainly someone who knows you well.

So if she said mean things? Floop her. But if there are things like “you aren’t a good listener” or “you’re too self-involved,” then maybe you should take a good look at yourself. We all should be constantly reevaluating our behavior and see how we can be better. Again, if she’s just being a jerk, forget it. But we can all better ourselves; take this opportunity to see if there’s anything she says that, when you think about, maybe you agree with.

Back to the boyfriend. Um, yeah. Who cares if he’s chubby? This thing she finds wrong with you is, I suspect, just a jab. I think you can ignore the idea that she thinks you’re “settling.” But not because you’re SO IN LOVE with him or anything–two months, girl, get a grip!!!–just because it seems like the kind of jerk thing one girl might say to another girl to hurt her feelings.

Sooooooo:

(1) Forget this “friend.”

(2) Reflect on if anything she says has any truth to it, and, if so, try to fix that behavior.

(3) Forget the stuff she said just to hurt you.

(4) Keep dating John till you decide you don’t like him anymore.

Okay?! Now can you please chill?!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Goddess of Wisdom, Guardian of Common Sense, Destroyer of BullS***, Tuffy,

Recently my fiance dumped me. Or I dumped him. Or something. I’m not sure. He tried to blackmail me and shame me into doing things I didn’t want to do by threatening to leave me if I didn’t comply so I called his bluff and we went down in flames. And then I found out he cheated on me. But that’s not why I’m emailing you, Tuffy! I’m emailing you about what happened after we broke up.

After the breakup I started toying with the idea of moving 6 hours away to go back to college. I’d quit going because my fiance wanted me to spend more time with him (I know, I know. I was a stupid c**t. But hey. I was barely 19. And stupid. So, sooooooo stupid.) and after 3 years I had the chance to go back. I finally decided to grab a pair and do it when I noticed a startling trend amongst my friends.

I was being ostracized. Excluded. Left out. Sidelined. Even my best friend, who I’ve known since I was 13, had kicked me to the curb. (Self Preservation, I guess. She’s dating my Ex’s BFF.)

So Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my place with another friend of ours who was about to graduate high school. I was kinda surprised, but I took it in stride. We talked a bit and I asked when our friend’s graduation day was and how she was celebrating, but before she could say anything my best friend (who shall henceforth be called Heartless Bitch) interrupted her and said “All of us are going to the beach tomorrow.”

I was excited for about 3 seconds before she said “But you can’t go. [My Ex] is gonna be there.”

Zing! That hurt, but instead of showing it I changed the subject. “How is he? I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

“Oh, he’s fine. I’m surprised, though. I thought he’d be more of a mess. It was both of you guys first serious relationship. I mean, he lost his virginity to you.”

It was at this point that our mutual friend dropped a bomb on me. “No he didn’t,” she said. “He lost his virginity to a guy.”

I think I must have had a stroke because I couldn’t move or talk. But I could still listen to the two of them argue about it. “No he didn’t. He lost it to her.”

“Dude, he tells everyone like it’s nothing. It’s common knowledge. I thought she knew.” For the record NO, I DID NOT KNOW. Then Heartless Bitch took one look at me and said “Well, we’ve got to go,” and walked out the door.

I didn’t hear from either of them for two weeks. In those two weeks I started packing my crap and prepared to get the hell out of dodge. When she finally did come around, unannounced once again, I politely asked her how her trip to the beach had been. She smiled and said it was great.

“Well I’m glad,” I told her. “I hope you had fun pissing your life away at the beach because my life was flashing before my eyes as I sat in the doctors office waiting to get a God D*** AIDS test.”

Then she had the audacity to ask me why I was mad at her. I’ll cut this part short and just say I ripped her a new one for being a shitty friend but she just kept deflecting, saying I didn’t look surprised and that she was busy with work.

I’m sorry, but if she found out her boyfriend lied to her and slept with another guy I’m pretty effing sure I’d make time to pick up the phone and make sure she was ok.

There are those who say I should forgive them (Heartless Bitch, My Ex, and all those shitty friends who abandoned me because I was too inconvenient for them to deal with) and try to fix things. I think they should get f***ed.

Am I right to keep on stepping and move on or should I forgive them and let bygones be bygones?

Yours,
Blindsided After The Breakup.

Dear Blindsided After The Breakup,

Wow. Your friends blow.

Yeah, go back to college. Do that. That seems wise. Stop wasting your time with these wastes of space.

Not like you even GET to waste your time with them anyway.

So, um, yes. GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I’d say, knowing you’re moving on and getting your degree (to have a better life, hopefully) and meeting people who don’t suck ash–well, yes. You should forgive them.

But for YOUR sake, NOT for theirs. And don’t even tell them you forgive them.

In fact, don’t tell them you were ever mad at them.

In fact squared, DON’T TELL THEM ANYTHING. Don’t talk to any of these people ever again. Put this flooped up bullshoop behind you and never look back.

Because, honestly, these people don’t deserve any space in your head.

This ex-fiance of yours sounds like just about the biggest tool I can imagine. (Oh wait, no, that’s your “best friend.” But we’ll get to that.) Blackmailing your fiancee?! Manipulate much?!?! And seriously–and this goes for ALL of you all–if anyone tries to force you to choose between them and something that you care about or that will significantly improve your life (like COLLEGE), this person is NOT deserving of your love and is, in fact, deserving of being totally dumped. Controlling individuals like this can also become dangerous so, please, if you spot yourself in this girl’s letter, get out of the relationship, and the sooner the better.

Also: What the hell, supposed best friend?! She KNOWS she’s being a jerk. And then she tries to justify it?! PLEASE. This is one selfish person if I’ve ever seen one. She clearly couldn’t care less about you. Block her on email. Defriend her on Facebook. Don’t get mad–just forgive her in your mind for being a complete waste of a person and then: Never speak to her again. EVER.

These jerks are purposely excluding you and not even trying to be nice about it. Um, they don’t have to invite you to the beach, but it would be nice, if they’re going to mention it, to (1) invite you somewhere ELSE to make up for it, and (2) DON’T TELL YOU CASUALLY THAT YOUR EX MAY HAVE HAD A SIMULTANEOUS RELATIONSHIP.

By the by, I do have to point out one thing. AIDS tests should not come about only when the guy’s had sex with a guy. Please get with the program. AIDS affects everyone who contracts it. It is NOT specific to the gay community. AT ALL. We are ALL at risk if we have unprotected sex. Don’t be a jerk.

But, back to your mostly-sympathetic question: Move on. Don’t bother hating them. Don’t bother anything-ing them. Go back to school and live well.

Besides, karma’s gonna get those mothafloopas. But don’t wait around to see.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I never thought I’d be writing you, but I’ve been reading your advice for quite some time and I think you might be the only person I trust to give this kind of advice. To sum up my situation, I have a best friend who I’ve had since my first semester of freshman year. This best friend of mine, P, has a girlfriend that he has been with for over two years. She doesn’t go to our school and I’ve only met her once.

To give you all the details, P and I are very close and before we were really friends, he cheated on his girlfriend with me, he later found out that she has cheated on him too. You should also know that I now have a serious boyfriend that I’ve been with for almost a year, so this is not a jealousy issue. P and I are always together and people have begun to associate us with one another.

I had known from the start that P’s girlfriend is a serious shoplifter. I’m talking strolling out of department stores with a $900 dress on her arm. I have never been able to reconcile this with myself and I recently brought it up with him. He explained to me that she is from an underprivileged family and that I would never be able to understand her situation. I know that there are all kinds of people that are in bad situations who still have a basic sense of right or wrong. P blew up when I told him this. He told me that for the sake of our friendship, I should never speak poorly of his girlfriend again. I wasn’t meaning to insult her, but I don’t think what she does is in the slightest bit okay, and on top of this, I have seen him miserable on many occasions because of problems with their relationship.

I believe that he loves her, but he is a very thoughtful, kind, smart wonderful person and I’m afraid that I have lost my very best friend over this moral dispute. I don’t want to see him with a girl who so clearly lacks a moral compass.

How can I make this right?

Sincerely,
Scared

Dear Scared,
First of all, Tuffy don’t believe for one little second that this “isn’t a jealousy issue.” This is exactly a jealousy issue. You want P all for yourself. You say people associate you two with each other, and you really wish he was with a better kind of girl (aka YOU). Now, I agree with you. P’s girlfriend should NOT be shoplifting. So not cool. And his little song and dance about it being because she’s “underpriviledged” is so condescending it makes me want to vom.

Still, SHE’S the girlfriend and YOU’RE the FRIEND. If he doesn’t want you to badmouth her, DON’T DO IT. It’s really so not up to you who P dates, kiddo. He knows he has the shoplifting problem (and whatever other problems they have) but he doesn’t care. So if he doesn’t care, that’s his flooping prerogative. Here’s what Tuffy thinks is really happening: You’re feeling jealous. Yeah, yeah, you have this boyfriend or whatever. I have to be honest, I don’t think you’re fully in. Because, meanwhile, you’re alllllll up in P’s girlfriend business. If you want to be with P, dump your boyfriend and tell P how you feel. I don’t think he’s going to go for it, however, and here’s why: Even though you think he’s “miserable” with her, he’s stayed with her, long-distance and mostly faithfully, for two years. HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER.

So leave their relationship alone. And if he comes crawling to you later because it turns out you were right and they weren’t good for each other, be there as a crying shoulder. Despite what you seem to think, Scared, you don’t know everything about P or his feelings or his relationship. He does not belong to you. He is not yours to command. And, um, he already made it QUITE CLEAR that he doesn’t want you interfering. That’s the whole problem, right? Because you want me to tell you how you can interfere and break them up without his noticing. Dream on and butt out.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

What a bitch. Seriously, the next time you see her you are going to open a major can of whoop ass and tell her everything that is on your mind: she’s a crappy friend, you can’t trust her, and those jeans you told her you liked? Yeah, they make her look FAT!

You sit in your room waiting for her to come home, stewing. Each passing minute brings out more and more anger, and you think of more things you can’t wait to say to her. You have never been this angry. You are afraid she is going to cry. You have been waiting to say these things for a long time and there is no telling how it is all going to go down.

You hear her come home. She drops her things and comes and finds you in your room.

“Hey!” She says, in that annoyingly chipper tone.

“Hey,” you reply.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’, just studying. How was your day?” So, you chicken out. She just looks so normal and happy and you don’t know how to verbally bitch slap someone to her face. You know she doesn’t mean to be a bad friend, and you feel bad unleashing all that anger on her. And having to watch her reaction.

She starts talking about your other friends and the things they are saying about you, and you begin getting angry again. How could you not confront her?! But you can’t. Not to her face. She eventually makes her way back to her own room and signs online.

You see her name pop up on your Facebook chat list and that is when you let it all out.

“You know how I said I was fine? Well I’m not fine! You are a crappy friend….”

Sure, she was just in your room. Yeah, she can hear you tapping your foot through the wall. Ok, so you couldn’t say this stuff to her face; it is just so much easier online! Why have to tell her something to her face when you can hide behind your MacBook and not have to see her reactions? There is nothing wrong with doing it this way, is there? You will get it all out and then have the make up hug in person; it’s basically the same thing.

Actually, it’s better. You are getting it all off your chest and this way you have time to think about what you want to say and feel so much more comfortable saying it online. You’re protected and safe making you much less likely to pussy out of saying what’s really on your mind, and you can do it all with sad/angry music playing in the background to set the mood. (Try doing that while talking to someone face to face.) Plus, there are emoticons, which are basically like talking to someone in person. Right? Right. Anyways, you do everything else online (like shopping, researching and telling boys you like them), so why not this?

Eventually, fingers cramped and armpits sweaty, you say what you need to say. She says what she needs to say. You both throw a few “XOXO smiley face” IMs in there and it’s over. You both get up from your computers, meet in the kitchen for a snack and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

—

Don’t worry; you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve got the Kings of Leon blaring as I’m having an online fight with my BFF right this second. In 2011, I feel it’s the only way to go.

Question?! Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m not even sure how this all started to be honest. I have a best friend, I’ll call her Jane, who’s been dating this guy, I’ll call him Ron, for a couple months. They fight a lot but he’s her first real “love” and a really good friend of mine. I happen to be madly in love with Ron’s best friend, Landon. Landon left the state for college but we still want to be together; we’re in an open ended thing (he’s casually dating someone else currently) and we plan to work it out when he comes back for Christmas  break.

Recently Ron and Jane’s fights have been getting worse and she refuses to get physical with him pretty much at all. On a semi-joking note, Ron suggested a threesome between Jane – my best friend/his girlfriend – him and myself. I’ve never been in one and the idea was intriguing. Jane can be a stick in the mud, but we knew she’d be down for it, it was just a matter of convincing her.

Once we started scheming up the idea of the threesome, his texts started changing. He kept hinting that maybe if Jane doesn’t go for the idea, he and I should just have a crazy one-night stand and keep it completely between us. Eventually he blatantly started saying he wanted to sleep with me and keep it a secret from both Landon and Jane. A part of me loved the thrill of the absolute danger of it, it was the ultimate NO in the dating world – to sleep with your best friend’s boyfriend/ your love intrest’s best friend. It was a very small part of me, but it was still there as almost just a primal want, but I knew I didn’t want to; I could never do that Jane or Landon. I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m such a great person since I do feel guilty for even letting the idea stay in my mind for a second, but usually “all’s fair in love and war” is an idea that works for me, but this is clearly where my morals start kicking in.

He says no one would ever know, but even though I turned him down, how can I look at him again? I can’t tell Jane, but I don’t think I can’t NOT tell her at the same time. She’s my best friend. Should I just chalk it up to him being a hormonal guy and leave it at that? And since he’s Landon’s best friend I feel like my rejecting him will make him start talking s*** about me to Landon. He continues to text me, trying to convince me and even though I’m nice about the rejection (“I really dont think we should,” “You just want this because you and Jane are going through a rough time,”) I don’t know how to be firm in saying no without pissing him off and him sabatoging things between Landon and I.

Please help,
-3′s crowd, 2′s a problem

Dear 3′s,

What are you, on some kind of soap opera?! Landon’s evil twin, Shmandon, shows up and inevitably puts Jane in a coma?! And then you have a threesome with Ron and a space alien?!

Okay. Enough is enough. Ron’s a sleaze and the world must know.

You march your little threesome-hungry tushy right to Jane and you tell her what happened. I mean, if you were brave enough to ask her to have a threesome with you and her boyfriend, surely you’re brave enough to tell her that her boyfriend’s trying to get witchu.

Then, little bird, before Jane can even confront Ron, you hightail it to a phone and you tell Landon what happened. Be like, “look, you know, here’s what happened, I still wanna be witchu, I don’t wanna be wit Ron, and let’s just all be cool.”

Of course, that said, it’s GONNA all go to hell.

But then again, what were you expecting, secretly plotting a threesome with your best friend’s boyfriend?! I could see if you guys all planned it together, or even if you planned it just with Jane–although, frankly, I see this sort of thing as a recipe for hurt feelings and emo-ness no matter how you slice it–but planning it with her boyfriend is highly creepy. Don’t you think if he just wanted a third person to add the thrill he’d have asked JANE for thoughts? By asking you, he’s just trying to make an excuse to have sex with someone other than his girlfriend, someone who might be able to convince her that it’s legit. So, um. Probably don’t do this again.

Still, although you come out looking creepsty, you have GOT to tell Jane. Ron is totally playing her. I don’t know if he does this with other girls (in which case, totes gross) or if he’s secretly in love with you (in which case, sweet but too bad because he’s already IN a relationship!!!), but either way, Jane has to know. I mean, it’s good she’s not being physical with him, just in case he’s sleeping around, but wouldn’t you hate to, you know, see her get the clap?!

Tell her. Tell Landon. Wait for the fallout.

And, hey. If things get weird with Landon–well, sucks, but he’s some side-thing. I’m sorry, but if you’re not together just because he’s out of state and he’s CURRENTLY DATING SOMEONE ELSE–well, you kids are NOT madly in love. But this is your BEST FRIEND we’re talking about here. SO not worth losing.

Oh, and on the topic of Landon: Go ahead and date him if you want. However, Tuffy gotta say: I sincerely doubt he’d be dating this other someone if he was so into you. And I seriously, seriously doubt that he’ll really be breaking up with her just to be with you over Christmas break. And, I mean, why should he? If you guys are only going to be together on breaks from school (a few weeks here and there?!), why shouldn’t he (and you too, girl!) pursue ACTUAL relationships? It just all seems a bit far-fetched. But, hey. It’s your life. I just see that headed toward heartbreak, if you choose to see it more than the occasional off-peak fling.

Anyway, okay. Bottom line: TELL JANE. RON SUCKS. POOP HIM IN THE FACE.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

A few weekends ago while my roommate/best friend was passed out in her bedroom, her boyfriend and I hooked up. The boy and I had been friends freshman year, and I had feelings for him before he started dating my best friend. He and I agreed that it was never going to happen again and to not tell anyone. Two days later, when we were both drunk, it happened again. I believe he is a good person, and loves his girlfriend so I told him I wasn’t going to say anything.

2 weeks later he tried to hook up with my best friend and my other roommate. She rejected him, but told me the story. Selfishly, I don’t want to tell my best friend, but at the same time I wonder if I was wrong about him, and he is hooking up with other girls. What do I do?

– Sex With Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Dear Sex With Best Friend’s Boyfriend,

Classy.

Well, you’ve gone and done something totally unforgivable. You don’t feel bad about it at all. But now you’re trying to play the good guy and “warn” your “best friend” about her lying, cheating boyfriend.

Methinks the “lady” (HA) doth protest too much.

Giiiiiiiirl. Backstabbing is so not cute.

I might (MIGHT) have had some sympathy for you if it had happened once in a drunken fit and you had really never done it again. HOWEVER, what actually happened is, while your flooping friend was PASSED OUT, you effed her boyfriend. Not only did you not fess up, you made a pact with the guy to not tell her and then you did it again TWO DAYS LATER.

Guess what? You don’t get to play the good guy now. Oh, you feel so bad for her because she doesn’t know what’s going on. Oh, you’re such a good friend who made a little mistake and now has to make a big decision. Oh, poor your friend, it turns out the guy’s a sleaze, hadn’t you better do something about it?

FAAAAAAART.

More like: YOU feel degraded that it turns out he didn’t just find you so irresistible he HAD to cheat, but, in fact, he’s just a lying cheating sack. Tell her and come clean and expect your friendship to be over. I really don’t see how you two can come back from this. You completely betrayed her and you seem to have no remorse for it.

In fact, the only reason I say you should tell her is that I do think she should know about her sackboy. She may want to dump HIS ash too.

Good luck, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Dear Dude,

My best friend came clean this summer and told me he has had feelings for me since the eighth grade (six years). There is one problem: he has had a girlfriend for a little over two and a half years. He told me he is losing interest in her, she is not his type, and he hates so many things about her; she was just the girl he needed at the time. He tells me I am beautiful and always makes me feel special. He and I have so much in common – we hung out all summer (he saw me more than his girlfriend), his mother even told him to break up with his girlfriend for me. He is the perfect guy for me he is really sweet and romantic and knows absolutely everything about me. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me just as well.

I went to visit him at school this year and I met all of his friends and they kept asking him if I was his new girlfriend. The day I had to leave to go back to my school he told me he didn’t know what he was still doing with his current girlfriend and every time his friends asked him if I was his new girlfriend he wanted to say yes. He also told me every time he sees me his feelings for me grow stronger and stronger.

I started to get sick of him telling me about all of his feelings for me and not doing anything about it. So I took some advice from my sister and told him that I couldn’t wait around for him. He broke up with his girlfriend. We didn’t talk for a few days, which is not normal at all because we talk all day and every day. I understand he needed space and time to think, but later that weekend he deleted me off of Facebook. I asked him what was going on and he told me his ex made him do it. That night he told me he might be getting back with his her because losing her for two days made him realize that everything he hated about her didn’t matter to him anymore. When he said that, it made me feel like he was telling me that I was not worth it. He made me promise to be his best friend forever because he needs me in his life.  He also told me he wishes I would have had feelings for him sooner because we would probably be together, and now he wants his feelings for me to fade because he knows they will never go away.

Is he just afraid of change? Did I mess everything up? Should I wait around for him? Would it be a bad idea to see him over Thanksgiving break? I don’t think I know how to move on from him – what should I do?

I’m in need of major advice,
Broken Hearted Girl

Dear Broken hearted girl,

Say it with me: “Never Again!”

You didn’t do anything wrong except get caught in his narcissism. And yes, your best friend is acting like a narcissist. His bullsh*t is about him, not you. You are not responsible for his choices. You were drawn to him, you cared about him, you gave him your friendship and trust. You were willing to give him more but he didn’t want it. He didn’t spurn you because of anything you did, he burned you because he figured he could and keep everything status quo: revolving around him.

Casanova, Peter Sellers, Lex Luthor, Chuck Bass, Gilderoy Lockhart, what do they all have in common? They all think (thought) that the sun rose and set according to what they wanted. Their needs are (were) the most important. Everyone they have (had) relationships with have (had) to make them their number one priority. Sound familiar?

Look, I’m not saying this guy maliciously tricked you into making him the center of your world. Most narcissists don’t realize they’re narcissists. They think they’re benevolent, doing what’s best for everyone else. Of course, it’s convenient that what they think is best for everyone ends up serving them the most. That’s the paradox. “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy.”

He played you. He played his ex, too. When he was with her, he couldn’t stand her. Without her, he suddenly forgives everything that he disliked about her. Que? What he’s asked of you is completely unfair. For the sake of his relationship you have to take a backseat. For his world to keep going round he wants you in his life but you have to swallow your feelings. Never mind the betrayal of leading you on and then deadending your affections. Never mind he picked his ex over you. Never mind what you want. As long as his tunnel vision is 20/20.

My advice is to go cold turkey. Your self-worth doesn’t come from his approval. You need to take some distance. You need to focus on other friendships. You need to indulge your own wants. Start with making a list. Put on it things you do, alone, that make you happy, e.g. Chuck or Smallville marathons. Then make a list of things you want to do but haven’t tried yet, e.g. eating sushi or going skydiving. Do one thing from the former and make a point to do one thing from latter. Reaffirm who you are and then surprise yourself.

Walking this land with broken dreams,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Most people know how much it sucks to break up with a boyfriend. Whether he treated you horribly or the relationship has just run its course, telling your boyfriend adios is not easy. And is usually followed by tears, vodka, long trips to the gym, or some combination of all three.

The only thing harder than a romantic breakup is breaking up with a friend.

How do you tell someone that is your ultimate best friend and gal pal that, well, you’re just not that into her anymore?

Breaking things off with a BFF is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Bottom line: this best friend just wasn’t really a friend anymore. She’d been flaking out on me, was way too caught up in trivial drama, and was never there when I truly needed her. She would only talk about herself and seemed completely uninterested in any details about my life. She seemed to be oblivious to her behavior and our deteriorating friendship, and I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had a genuine conversation.

Once I came to terms with the issues, I knew that our friendship was going to have to end. And then I noticed how eerily similar the end of a platonic relationship is to that of a romantic one.

The Fighting: We started to fight and bicker about the most insignificant details. Our opinions seemed to be on opposite sides of the spectrum, even though we used to finish each other’s sentences and always be on the same page.

The Little Things I Never Noticed Started to Piss. Me. Off: How did I not realize how petty and ignorant she was before? Did she always talk this much gossip about our friends? If she says the phrase,”I’ve never felt this way before!” about another guy, I will scream.

The Talk: I decided to sit down and have the talk with her. You know, about “us,” how it’s just not working and how I really felt. The talk went well, she promised she’d change and apologized for being a bia.

Phasing Her Out: After a few weeks with zero improvement since our talk, I tried the phase-out approach and just stopped hanging out and calling as much.

Let’s Meet for Coffee: The Phase Out Stage didn’t work as we still hung out with the same group of people and were always at the same places. She started to sense that I was distancing myself from her and so we had yet another talk over coffee. And another when nothing changed again. And another after that.

It’s Over: Finally, I told her that I didn’t think our friendship would work. Yes, I friend broke up with her. It’s not that I didn’t want to try and fix the friendship, because I really did, it was just past the point of fixing. I thought long and hard about what it would really mean to lose her as a friend, but I also thought about how happy and free I’d be if I didn’t have to stress about her anymore.

And now here I am. Sure, I spent some nights on the couch feeling lonely as I watched (crazy) girls compete to be Paris Hilton’s BFF, but I’m slowly moving on. Based on my break up calculations, I have a few more weeks of feeling sorry for myself, then I’ll hit the town, distract myself and move on to someone else.

[This story was originally posted by Kim - Standford.]

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Question for La Tuff? Send it to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have found myself in a tough situation. My best friend of three years recently sent me a Facebook message out of the blue telling me that she no longer wishes to be friends or in contact with me. Her reasoning was that being friends with me causes her “too much stress” and she has been thinking about it “for the last two months.” The two examples she gave of me causing her stress were when I got annoyed at her at a party (when she was being rude to the host) and when I got angry at her for, at the last second, choosing to go to a job over helping me move (she had only told me that if I wanted her help, I would have to pay her $200, a statement which I found childish).

Tuffy, these were two small fights that we had already discussed and (I thought) had resolved. I had thought everything was fine up until a week ago, when she stopped contacting me. My mother had even treated us to see a musical in the city the Sunday before! Until now, she had always discussed when she was getting irritated at me; she’s a very frank and open person who has never hesitated to tell me when I’ve said or done something stupid, so I have been completely blown out of the water at this sudden change.

I’ve been very confused and hurt, and it’s been sending me into a depression. I had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies when I was younger, and basically had no real friendships until around the time I met her, all of which she has known for years. She told me that I should no longer contact her, and even told our other friends not to tell me about a party she was having (one she had already invited me to, before she stopped contacting me). We had plans to travel abroad over winter vacation and she was going to come to my family’s Thanksgiving (for the 3rd year in a row). Why continue making plans with me if she had been thinking of dropping me as a friend? Why pretend everything was perfectly fine, then drop a bomb on me like this? I’ve never been in such a confusing and hurtful situation like this before, and have no idea where to begin to handle it if she refuses to even speak to me.

-Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed

Dear Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed,

What kind of “BEST FRIEND” sends a FACEBOOK message to end the friendship?! Who she think she is?!

Floop her. Floop her right in the ear. This is a totally ridiculous situation. I mean, I get a lot of emails similar to this one about friendships not working out. But ending things with a best friend via Facebook is a new one for Tuffs.

Okay, let’s back it up.

This girl is a person, right, so she’s allowed to end friendships with whoever she wants. I mean, it’s up to her who she wants to be around. But if you’ve been best friends for years, she owes you more of an explanation. Out of the blue, after making future plans with you, she says, oops, never mind, don’t wanna be near you any more, don’t look at me, don’t contact me, hell, don’t even think about me. That is NOT adult behavior. She should have at least talked it out with you over a coffee or something.

Buuuuut she didn’t. So. There that is.

You know, it’s especially messed up since she knew about your trouble making friends. She knows this will really hurt you, and I bet that’s why she’s doing it this way. For whatever reason, she WANTS to hurt you.

Which, of course, brings us to the part of the answer you DON’T want to hear. I gotta be honest with you, chances are you did something to really piss her off, and it was probably your fault. It’s a pretty major thing to tell your former best friend you don’t even want to have CONTACT. Try to think–is there anything you might have done that offended or upset her?

And, again, you do have trouble making friends. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? What keeps you from making friends? Chances are, it’s related to what made this girl throw a Facebook restraining order at you.

Which is not to say this is your fault. Because it’s not. Girl’s a meanybeany. But I think you should let this friendship drop and try to use it as a learning experience to help you meet better friends. Which, by the way, you can only do by being a good friend yourself.

Bottom line: Leave her behind, do a little thinking about what you might have done and what you can do better next time, and move on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv