Even cows have a need for speed. As do lions, frogs and many other animals opting for alternate forms of transportation.

The last time we heard this much about Prince Harry, England’s third in line for the throne, was after all those kooky pictures surfaced of his royal highness done up like a Nazi at a fancy dress party in 2005.

After that highly embarrassing incident, Harry, of course, apologized profusely, and, being as the world couldn’t resist those ginger locks and easy going charm, everyone outside of the UK sort of went back to an–albeit slightly suspicious–indifference. After all, he’s probably never going to be king and he’s not as cute as Prince William who has those endearingly large chompers and an adorable crush on Beyonce.

The focus has returned back to the younger brother, however, when a story surfaced on the Drudge Report that the 23-year old has been fighting on the frontlines of Afganistan since December. The British press had agreed to keep Prince Harry’s location quiet after early plans to deploy Harry to Iraq were scrapped fearing security risks. Since this leak, The “Bullet Magnet” of Wales has been pulled out of active combat and will be sent back to the UK fearing for the safety of the Prince as a high priority target of the Taliban.

I’ll admit that my first reaction to this story was a sound rolling of the eyes. That may sound heartless, but despite Harry’s claims to the contrary, the media has built him up to be fairly ignorant and careless and I saw his enlistment in the British army as being equal parts punishment and royal duty. The kid was as good as drafted.

This situation seems to be a little more nuanced than that, though. I think that at first, Harry probably did not choose to go to Afghanistan or Iraq anymore than he chose to whom he was born. But, being such an influential figure, if he had tried hard enough, he probably could have wiggled out of his assignment. From many accounts, Harry seems to be fairly happy to take an active role in the British military and whether or not his enthusiasm is legitimate, it is still admirable that he was there.

Another issue that this whole to-do brings up is that of the responsibility of the press. I know that Matt Drudge prides himself on digging up shiny little nuggets like this, but when it starts to threaten the lives of anyone, member of the Royal family or no, transparency in the press can be dangerous.

There is a line between being sneaky and dishonest and looking out for the greater good and I’m not totally convinced that the news media didn’t cross it with this story. It would be one thing if the information was really vital to the world, but do any of us feel considerably different or better knowing as we do now the approximate location of Prince Harry? After all, he wasn’t doing something outwardly stupid so we didn’t even notice that he was gone, really.

All seriousness aside, I want to give a shout out to the Bestweekever.tv blog who caught a hilarious Yahoo-headline switcheroo. And am I the only one that thinks that Prince Harry looks very much like one of America’s most beloved sons, Earnhardt Jr., in that picture?

Maybe it’s because we have other fantastic outlets to judge people, such as, say, Rock of Love, I Love New York, and the classic and oh-so-classy Flavor of Love (I’m detecting a “love” theme here, VH1).

Unpredictability is what sells, any idiot can see that. So in order to boost ratings, TLC made its own reality show about this year’s Miss America contestents, Miss America: Reality Check, which shows us that shockingly, some of these girls aren’t so bright.

I mean, that’s surprising, right? A not smart hot girl. Wow. And isn’t it just a little humorous that they can’t even bother to be creative with a title to try and pull viewers?

Reality Check is a little too formulaic for the typical American audience. We get it already. 50 Barbies prance around in eveningwear and bikinis, trying to show us that their baton-twirling or vocal stylings can change the world. They get narrowed down, the 4 prettiest, blondest Southern girls stay on and Texas always wins. Those of us who live in the North ponder what our lives could have been had we been born to drawl and drink sweet tea, and then quickly remember that it’s kind of like a foreign country and snap out of it.

This year’s winner was Miss Michigan, Kristen Haglund. That’s really the only thing I heard and remotely cared about. Finally, some good representation from the mitten… or is it?

I’m sure Miss Haglund is decent at life, and I like the idea of the midwest producing normal, pretty people, but come on. There are hot girls everywhere. It’s not like she’s curing cancer. She just happened to convince the same ten judges that she was the hottest of fifty people.

Can’t we set this thing up in the form of a job interview? Because really, that’s what it is, or at least what it’s supposed to be. A year-long “job” of hyping charities and wearing pantsuits. Maybe, instead of suggesting to the youth of America that looks are key to being successful, we could (gasp) show how hard work and intelligence are what actually pay off.

If not intelligence, then innovation, creativity, anything at all? Instead of, say, commenting that had Miss Iowa hit the gym a few more times, she’d have dominated in swimwear?

Personally, I think we’d all benefit more from a VH1 reality show that has nothing to do with love, or scantily clad girls at all:

Best Week Ever marathon, anyone?

But that doesn’t mean the funny people over at Best Week Ever have forgotten about her.

My Lil’ Lohan, a new Facebook App developed by Best Week Ever and Plastic Past studios, allows users to either “pamper or sabotage” their own personal Lindsay Lohan.

“Each day you can choose to do something naughty or something nice to each Lil Lohan”, explain the directions on the application, “and if you can convince enough people to join you, you can stage an intervention or organize a bender for those Lil Lohans that really need it!”

If you know anyone else on Facebook with the Lil’ Lohan App, you can send and receive gifts that include sunglasses, suspicious white powder, cigarettes, and panties.

While the majority of people most likely hope Lindsay makes a full and active recovery (I say majority because I’m sure there’s a bunch who can’t wait to see her jump into a stranger’s car again with cocaine spilling out of her purse), once someone becomes a public figure, and makes a bunch of stupid decisions, the likelihood of the world forgetting about those dumb choices is pretty low.

Personally, I think My Lil Lohan is hilarious, and if I liked Facebook Apps in the first place (right now I hate them with a fiery passion…stop ZOMBIE BITING ME ALREADY!!) I’m sure I’d be checking up on my own Lindsay Lohan 15 times a day—which is about how often I sign onto Facebook in a 24 hour period.

And for the record, I’d keep her sober with a large supply of panties.

Jared Fogle

What we didn’t know, was that Jared Fogle was not only infamous at his college for eating nothing but Subway and losing over 200 pounds, but also for being the go-to-guy for whenever college students wanted some good ol’ porn.

Best Week Ever has uncovered Jared’s dirty little secrets. While attending Indiana University, he ran a pretty successful pornography business straight from his own bedroom, and apparently had a “wide” variety of porn videos, which he only charged a dollar to rent. Get it? Wide!

It makes total sense that this guy (what a hunk!) spent his college days and nights selling pornos in a little one-bedroom place, only leaving to fill his appetite at the closest fast food joint he could find, which was how he got hooked on Subway in the first place.

Next time you order a 6 inch turkey sub on what with pickles, sprouts and American cheese, keep in mind you’re endorsing a guy who once sold “Saturday Night Beaver” to the kids in his Physics class.

On the up side, it’s nice to see the new and improved Jared has gone on to make something of his life and inspire others to lose weight and feel good, regardless of his scandelous intentions.

Really, I’m not surprised. Sandwiches and porn? What a typical, typical college guy.