I’m mad. ABC promised that the season finale of The Bachelor was going to be the most exciting EVER. And they lied.

Sorry, Bachelor. I hate to complain, but talk about a two – hour snoozefest. It’s not that it was clear the entire time who was going to “win,” it’s just that both girls were so earnest and so… boring. I am convinced Tessa and Bevin were actually the same person making use of some very realistic wigs. The only entertaining part of the episode was watching Andy read aloud the girls’ notes to him — sound it out, honey. Sound it out. Oh, and when Tessa made him a picture collage. Hey, that’s the same thing I made for my boyfriend in fourth grade! How funny. Great minds think alike. Read More »

The Bachelor should be renamed “Euphemisms For Sex.”

I need to start keeping count of the different ways sex is implied, but the good ones include: “Special time,” “closeness,” and “electric soul connection.” Come on, it’s 2007, cant they just say “doin’ it” like the rest of us?

And there’s really no need to mask Andy’s inevitable dirty proclivities with the presentation of a rosewater bath for the couple to enjoy. Andy was in the Navy, for heaven’s sake — he’s not going to be taking any sort of BATH to experience “closeness” with one of his ladyfriends. Read More »

Our fearless Bachelor is dealing with a pretty lean steak filled with women this time around. The most he could do last night was crush little orphan Amber’s dreams of marrying him barefoot, in a seaside ceremony (you just KNOW he’s gonna have one of those weddings).

I felt bad for Amber and the important social welfare issues her story raised (child endangerment, rape of a minor, pedophilia), but where are the crazies this season? I want to see someone go off the wall and start biting. These girls are all wayyyyy too normal.

Wait. No they’re not. They’re looking for “love” on The Bachelor! There MUST be something wrong with them, we just have to look hard and carefully. Fine. I like a challenge. Read More »

Yes, love is worth putting your life on hold for. But is the bachelor worth putting off studying for my nutrition exam?

Well, YEAH! I can really empathize with the bachelorettes this season because I dated a guy last fall who dated another girl at the same time as me, and it totally sucked, and he never even gave me $2 million worth of diamonds that he borrowed from ABC, not even to wear around the house.

I’m a little sick of all the man – in – uniform – as – a – white – knight – who – will – rescue – you metaphors, but this season is going swimmingly (literally: why are these people always doing water sports? Are water sports a precursor to true love? If so, I need to learn to swim). Read More »

Watching The Bachelor makes me really glad I’m not on the show because I would never want to watch myself kiss anyone. People look ridiculous when they kiss. Little Amber looked way constipated. Let it go, girl! The Officer/Gentleman is kissing you in a hot tub! Give him some tongue! Live a little.

My only theory is that Amber, and all the other girls, for that matter, have crushes on one of the cameramen and feels weird kissing Andy in front of him. People never think about the cameramen on these shows, but you gotta hedge a bet that they get around. I mean, if I had the choice between a manicured, chivalrous Brooks Brothers-wearing guy driving around in ABC-rented Lamborghinis and the greasy, schlumpy dude behind the camera (who basically controls how thin I look on T.V.), well, the choice is clear.

That said, what kind of name is Bevin, and since when do 28-year-olds cry about a sprained ankle, let alone wear stilettos with one? Not sexy. Also, skiing? Not sexy. Tessa? Not sexy. I said it. I’m sorry.

Next week on The Bachelor: a comedy of extreme sports and forced altruism. Only the strong survive.