It’s summer (if you haven’t noticed) and therefore my time is divided between sweating, drinking whatever is cold, squeezing into shorts, sweating, sleeping through the hottest part of the day, and watching late-night TV until my apartment cools down enough for me to fall sleep.

Late-night TV is an interesting beast, forever surprising you with its ability to throw random shows together in the hope that you’re so tired/drunk/spaced out that you won’t notice what’s going on.  I usually don’t notice, but lately I’ve been awake and sober, so I’m beginning to catch some things.  Like, American Idol is a horrible show full of annoying people, yet I can’t help but watch hours upon hours of reruns.

During one of my sweaty midnight marathons (not the good kind, trust me), I happened to see one of the more recent episodes of American Idol.  You know…the one with the bikini girl.  If I despised the American Idol judges before, you can bet that Kara DioGuardi’s actions didn’t make my feelings any fonder.  What was she thinking??  I mean, the only one to rival her in craziness is Paula Abdul.  The real question is, which one is more pathetic?  Well, let’s find out, shall we?

Career
Paula Abdul was a successful cheerleader, dancer, choreographer, and singer.  Keyword: “was.”  Now, it seems, she is content to slur the same catchphrases over and over on American Idol and make random crappy dance singles.  Sad, yet amusing.

Kara DioGuardi is a talented songwriter and occasional singer.  She doesn’t seem to be content with sitting in the background, being ridiculously good looking (because, let’s face it, she looks gooooood) and whatnot.  So, what results is something akin to the Bikini Girl feud during the most recent season of American Idol.  It was almost too painful to watch.

Point: Paula Abdul. Girl, your career is over.  Stop drinking and maybe stop thinking of something new to say on Idol, if that’s what you’re going to focus on.

Fashion
Paula Abdul should fire her stylist.  Then again, you have to have a stylist to be able to fire one (and I seriously doubt she’s ever had one).  The woman comes up with the craziest and most age-inappropriate outfits I’ve ever seen.  I know she means well, but even I try not to pick out an ensemble while wasted.  It usually doesn’t end well (can we say Harem pants??).

Kara DioGuardi actually dresses pretty well.  When she went on The View, I was like, “Oh, way to make everyone else look like crap, Kara.”  Then I resented her for the rest of the interview.  Stupid fashionable jerk.

Point: Paula Abdul. I’m afraid Paula takes this point as well…there’s just no way I can see Kara losing to Paula in the realm of fashion.

American Idol Presence
Paula Abdul makes no sense. When she’s not using AI catchphrases (“pitchy,” “song choice,” “Simon’s a jerk”), she’s blabbering on in some weird language about cute outfits, pretty songs and rainbows and unicorns. That, of course, is after she spends the performance standing up and waving her arms/slamming her midget hands together to mimic clapping.

Kara DioGuardi is incredibly condescending and seems to take the “new kid in school” role pretty seriously. She’s constantly trying to be everyone’s BFF (both judges and contestants) and is way too into herself (and how she looks in a bikini) to judge anyone’s performance.

Point: Paula Abdul. As much as I strongly dislike Kara, Paula’s slurred speeches waste an average of 12 minutes each week and I still have no idea if she likes, loves or hates the performer.

Fame Whoreishness
Paula Abdul is desperate, for sure, but I’m not sure if she really embodies all that is a fame whore.  She’s pretty much gotten the hint that she’s washed up and fit only to be a TV reality show judge (and maybe not even that, it seems).  I’m…impressed?

Kara DioGuardi is, in fact, a fame whore.  That woman flits between different media opportunities like a hummingbird on crack.  If she’s not prancing around in a bikini on American Idol, then she’s producing/writing/singing another song that nobody will listen to (okay…almost nobody).

Point: Kara DioGuardi. She’s. Everywhere. Seriously – if you check daytime TV, random reality shows, credits on CD jacket sleeves…her name is all over.  Gah!

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Paula Abdul. Homegirl is nuts. That’s all there is to say.

Dessert for dinner? Do it!

This is totally not P.C., but we kinda laughed anyway.

We’re obsessed with the maxi dress!

Will Chase Crawford do Kevin Bacon justice?

Um. Bacon lube exists.

Between that guy who was so nervous he almost passed out and you couldn’t understand a word he was singing to the bikini girl who is now all over the internet and probably loving her 15 minutes, the two-hour season premier went by way too fast. Thank God it’s on again tonight!

We usually can’t devote two straight hours to anything (class, working out….) but American Idol continues to draw us in with it’s perfect mix of talent and um, the other people. Here are a few of our faves from last night’s episode:

The Hobbit-y Dude:

Annoying Bikini Girl:

Ryan’s Awkward Blind Moment: