I have to admit; I am a bit of a conservative when it comes to waxing. Not that I don’t like the idea of going bare down there, but I am … well, a pussy (no pun intended). I just don’t like the idea of having some woman get that close to my hoo-hoo and inflict that much pain. Not to mention the fact that Brazilian waxes also include a little butt crack waxing. Yikes.

I also have been going to the same woman for years. I feel like we have a bond so deep that she won’t judge me when I come in after a long wax-free winter. Unfortunately, though, Rosa was busy this morning so I was forced to try someone new.

My friends all recommended some lady, so I decided to try her out.

Upon arriving at the salon, I was seated on a plush red couch and told to wait for Mila. I pictured Mila to be a large Russian woman with long wispy hairs growing from her upper lip, an oversized bosom and orthopedic shoes. You can imagine my surprise, then, when a tall leggy blonde wearing snakeskin pants approached me. Yes, snakeskin pants.

Mila walked me into the waxing room and gave me a pair of those weird waxing undergarments (she called them panties. Ew.) She then told me to change and left the room. When she came back, she made her way to the stereo perched on the table next to me and pressed play. I expected something relaxing like Enya or some classical music. Nope. Mila actually decided to play a little La Bouche while she waxed my La Bouche.

She asked me how much I wanted to take off. I said “clean it up.” She must have heard, “make my va jay jay look like it has Hitler’s mustache.” She kept talking to me in her thick Russian accent and calling me “darling” and telling me she loved me. I could have been weirded out, but I was really enjoying the tunes rocking from the stereo and I chalked her enthusiasm up to her really loving her job (and not my La Bouche). She finished waxing, told me I had beautiful skin and to enjoy my new look.

In the end, I guess the situation wasn’t all bad. At least it taught me a lesson: never trust a woman in snakeskin pants…no matter how much she says she loves you.