I used to not like you. Actually, I’ll cut the crap. I wanted your vocal chords removed. Or at least have you banished to some remote part of the world where I wouldn’t have to be subject to your ubiquity on TV, on the radio, in magazines and sold-out concert venues. I refused to listen to more than five seconds of any song of yours that I had the great misfortune of accidentally hearing, unless I wanted to be filled with boiling rage at the unanswerable question of how someone with the singing voice of a farm animal could become outrageously successful. Like, how?

But then you started to do some stupid things. That photoshoot with Annie Leibovitz, for starters. Never mind that you were at the not-ripe-for-nudity age of 15-years-old, or that it was so transparently a cheap attempt to sexualize a juvenile Disney juggernaut – the most confounding thing of all was the reasoning your team gave for conceding to the risqué photoshoot: “You can’t say no to Annie.”

Really? You can’t? It’s called exploitation, people, and it’s something that one should most definitely decline to take part in.

Then came the pole dances, the writhing around in a bird cage for “Can’t Be Tamed,” the steady drop in the amount of clothing you wore for public appearances. And finally, the kicker: you doing bong hits for your 18th birthday. Captured on video and promptly submitted to a far-reaching gossip website with a rabid, unforgiving readership, no less. Your team said it was Salvia, we said it didn’t matter what it was, because you were clearly as high as an untethered kite.

Comparisons were made between you and the havoc-wreaking, delicates-flashing Lindsay Lohan, the poster child for poster children gone awry. Minus a jail sentence or two, you looked you were all set to follow the same alarming trajectory.

An interview with your seemingly possessive father, a former entertainer himself, came out recently in GQ. In it, Billy Ray Cyrus revealed that the relationship between you two had in actuality become strained and possibly broken. Hannah Montana, the TV show that had launched your pop idol career, had effectively “destroyed” your family. Your handlers no longer allow him any say in the damage control required in the aftermath of your decisions, which made him wonder if they were “perhaps more interested in handling Miley’s money than her safety and he career.” He hasn’t absolved himself of all blame for the way things turned out, though: “I should have been a better parent. I should have said, ‘Enough is enough – it’s getting dangerous and somebody’s going to get hurt.’ I should have but I didn’t,” he admits.

Suddenly, I felt a pang of sympathy for you (and was reminded of just how happy I am that I didn’t grow up as a celebrity). Maybe your dad was right. Maybe all you are is a croaky cog in the relentless Hollywood machine, in which your general welfare is foregone and your monetary value is of highest priority. (Forbes estimates you brought in $48 million last year alone.) Maybe all this fame was too much, too fast, and by the time you started second-guessing the ‘mature’ image that was being pushed on you, it was too late.

If that’s true, then I need to reassign the recipient of this open letter: Dear Entertainment Industry, stop hurting America (a phrase borrowed from the ever-astute Jon Stewart). In turn, maybe all these adolescent celebrities will stop hurting themselves. They won’t become burnt out, chewed up and inevitably hung to dry once they become Charlie Sheen reach that decisive scandal even the most calculated PR can’t undo.

Miley, you’re not yet lost for good but I would advise to steer clear of the smoke – salvia-produced or otherwise.

Thank You,
Sarah

So for those of you not in the know, Bieber cut his luscious locks. I should admit I don’t have Bieber fever, and I actually think he looks 10 times better without that awkward swoop thing that Tom Brady Stole. Which brings me to my next point…why is this news? Why is this a top story of all my favorite celebrity blogs?

I get hair cuts all the time and it never stops the presses, so why should Bieber’s new shag be talked about like it actually means anything? Or our favorite friend, Jen’s, new style (which isn’t new for anyone who actually watched ‘Friends’).

Shouldn’t we be more focused on other things, like I don’t know…their talent? Career? Upcoming movies? Or anything else remotely interesting? But their hair — I mean, come on people, when did celebrities’ hair styles become more popular than the celebrities themselves?

Well I guess a while ago, because after doing a little bit of research, I discovered that Justin and Jen aren’t the first celebrity haircuts to set the world on fire…here are 17 more:

Facebook makes a progressive step towards equality…YAY

Some really, affordable outfits you can put together

She’s the only reason to see this movie

Celebs who lost weight for a movie role

Get the dashing diva nail look today

They’re definitely the next Lohans

3 ways to wear motorcycle boots

Some silly statistics

Ask me on a damn date!

Wowza, we thought last week was bad! This week just womped it! There have been all kinds of crazy flying around this week, and it’s only getting worse. At the rate we’re going, nervous for what’s to come next week. Cheating, drugs, trashing hotel rooms, you know, just another typical week in Hollywood.

Super 2-Hour TV Special

1. Charlie Sheen has lost it. Earlier this week, Charlie was hospitalized after being found in a trashed hotel room at the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. Reports suggest that it was a drug and alcohol related incident, but his reps maintain that he had an allergic reaction to a medication. And then there was the girl (prostitute? porn star?) hiding in the bathroom. She’s pressing charges against Charlie because he was acting like a looney-bird. Oh and did we mention that Denise and his kids were across the hall? Classy, Charlie.

2. Howard K. Stern, or Anna Nicole Smith’s boyfriend, was found guilty of conspiracy. Psychiatrist Khristine Eroshevich and Howard K. Stern were both found guilty of conspiring to provide drugs to the former star before her death in 2007. Although Stern made a statement saying he was acquitted on several counts relating “to the appropriateness of the medication,” he was still found guilty on account that he obtained drugs for her under false names. No one’s sure if either of them will end up in jail or not, but their sentencing hearing will be on January 6th.

3. Miley’s parents are getting divorced. And he wants joint custody. They are splitting because of “irreconcilable differences” which usually means we won’t find out anything. The couple has been married for seventeen years, or as long as Miley’s been alive. Sad news for Miley…but I bet there are some new angsty songs brewing in that head of hers.

4. Mariah Carey is preggers! Don’t act surprised, I know you already knew that. But still, we’ve been waiting for the official announcement for some time now. They confirmed on The Today Show and said they wanted to keep their privacy, but Thandie Newton accidentally blabbed it on The View earlier this week! Oopsies. Anyway, congrats to Nick and Mariah, we wish you the best of luck!

5. Celine Dion had her twins! Yay! They were born on Saturday October 23, 2010 but they’ve gone all week without names. They finally named the boys Nelson and Eddy after Nelson Mandela and Eddy Marnay. Can’t wait to watch these little guys grow up!

Mini-Series Webisode

1. Scarlett Johansson and Anne Hathaway will be hosting SNL episodes next month! Both have hosted before, but this season of SNL has been pretty funny so the expectations are high. Exciting!

2. In case you didn’t get enough of Avatar in the first movie, don’t worry! James Cameron has confirmed he’s making Avatar 2 and Avatar 3! So that blue catsuit you bought for Halloween will be good for the next few years.

3. I know you were really concerned, but for the record: Kat Von D and Jesse James never broke up and they’re still together. Awesome.

4. Step Up 4 is coming! Well actually, Step Up 4ever. Eek! Maybe by 2012 they’ll have something cooler than 3D to release it in! Like, “reach out and touch his abs” vision.

5. Captain America, you can save me any day. Cue damsel in distress mode.

Miley’s innocent conversations with guitar strumming Billy Rae Cyrus are long shadowed by a dark chasm of tight bodices and bird feathers we know as Miley Cyrus now. It’s momentarily saddening – she was so innocent and sweet – until you realize that Miley was destined to enter Britney-ville sooner or later.  That juicy, sweet southern accent and Disney-infested resume was too much to pass up.

Regardless, her sudden hankering to flounder in a sea of sluttiness hasn’t taken me over the edge quite yet.  Amongst the only 22-year-old to admit it, I love listening to her (Ke$ha-esque sounding) new CD while pre-gaming and I won’t change the channel after snorting out my intestines in disgust at her abundance of ripped clothing. (Honestly, what’s with all the tears, girlfriend?)

Like everybody else does.

Seriously.  I have not seen so much distaste for any human being since people encountered the individual that told them the Tooth Fairy was their daddy.  Has anybody else noticed how much crude, angry mob-style hatred people feel deep inside their souls for this girl??

I mean, I understand she is a “role model” and should probably find some patches and her Grandmother to mend some of her clothing choices… and maybe stay away from those camel-toe bearing ensembles….but the energy invested in expressing disliking for Miley Cyrus has the strength to move a mountain range.  And it’s annoying.

It comes from people of all ages and sizes.  My sister (15-years-old) hates her so much she spews spit all over the table at dinner when she exclaims, “Miley is a big slut and I don’t like her.” It’s as if she couldn’t get out the words fast enough because she fears her high school posse is going to show up in our kitchen and shun her for life because she (almost) liked Miley Cyrus.  But she’s not the only one. My college girlfriends can’t pass up a moment to chime into a heated conversation about what an awful role model she is and “she should be ashamed of herself,” and “she looks like a skank” and blah, blah, blah.

Stop it, people! Seriously, it’s ridonkulous.

Let’s all simmer down, OK? Simmer down now. I’m here to invite you all to bring all the ‘Miley-Hatred’ down a few levels. I don’t know what this girl did to be so polarizing anyway. Grew up a little bit? Wanted to feel sexy? Wrote the best song of all time? Isn’t that something we all do (well, besides the whole Party in the USA part). Why is it so bad when she does it? People grow up, it’s part of life, so why can’t Miley? Wouldn’t it be a wee bit creepy if she was still sporting that blonde wig and doing her show on the Disney channel when she hit 40?

And seriously people, why don’t we all stop investing so much time and energy into hating Miley and use it for some more positive things, like saving the rain forests or trying to sweep Liam Hemsworth right off his feet and out of Miley Cyrus’ new sex-chamber pad.  Or go adopt a shelter puppy and tell him how much you hate Miley and how she should put some clothes on.

Actually, don’t do that. Puppies don’t deserve that.

Really, though, just leave Miley alone [says the crying girl from under her sheets]. Just like Billy Ray’s facial hair, the Miley-bashing is getting old and it’s really not attractive.

Billy Ray supports Miley’s lap dance. (And we do too!)

Who does Victoria’s Secret think is the perfect woman?

Cougar Town gets a new name.

Can someone please explain Gaga’s shoes to me?

One Tree Hill might not be going anywhere.

Did he really just say that?

Obviously, Miley Cyrus’s life is taking a different course, and at 17, she is moving into her very own house! It is about time; I’m sure Liam is getting fed up with sleeping on the couch and listening to Billy Ray strum along on his guitar.

While it seems a little crazy for most normal people to move out on their own at a measly 17-years-old, but we have a feeling we know why Miley’s packing her boxes and leaving Casa De Cyrus.

1. She Wants to Have Sex
I don’t know about you, but if I were dating a walking hunk o’ burning fire like Liam Hemsworth, I wouldn’t my parents even around to see the way I look at him.  It would be borderline offensive.

2. Billy Ray
It’s gotta get annoying to wake up every morning to the sounds of your (straightened) mullet-headed father strumming his guitar in hopes you might record a duet with him. Or to always have to listen to the story about that time he had the #1 song in the country. Or to have to give your parents a weekly allowance from your Hannah Montana fund….

3. Her Crazy Little Sister
I understand slight annoyance comes with the ‘little sister’ package, but Noah Cyrus is a different story.  Somebody is feeding that little girl too many jelly beans.  The girl’s got crazy eyes.

4. Who Didn’t Want to Move Out at 17?
Seriously, between curfew, chores and your parents making you sign off AIM so they could do whatever it is parents do on the computer, who wasn’t ready for a bachelorette pad of their own at 17? A place where you could eat candy for breakfast, ice cream for lunch and watch as much trashy MTV programming as you wanted without mom and dad breathing down your neck about Disney movies college applications.

5. She Wants to Have Sex
Isn’t it obvious?

But don’t worry!  Miley is only moving a couple blocks away from her parentals (so they will only be able to hear the distant screams of Miley getting rowdy with Mr. Hemsworth) and Mama Cyrus is even helping Miley design her home so it feels, “really zen.”

Little does she know, ‘zen’ is code for ‘freaky sex chamber.’

But for the Top 11 American Idol contestants in tonight’s episode, Miley Cyrus is gonna attempt to be just that – their mentor. What is she gonna tell them!? What advice could she possibly give!?

“Yea y’all, it would be really helpful if you had a dad who was a one-hit wonder and had a really sweet mullet in the ’90s! Then you could get your own show on the Disney Channel, and your career will really take off!”

I personally feel kind of sorry for these Idol hopefuls, because contestants in past seasons have had the honor to work with legendary figures in the music biz. The contestants on season 6 hip-hopped with Jenny from the Block, rocked out with fashion and music mogul Gwen Stefani, and were even mentored by Bon Jovi, Bono, and- wait for it- DIANA freakin’ ROSS!

Then, season 7 featured mentors like Neil Diamond, Mariah Carey, who is the best-selling female artist with the most #1 singles in U.S. history, and the legendary Dolly Parton. Season 8 came and went with Quentin Tarantino and Jamie Foxx (blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol…sorry, can’t help myself)

My point is, that Idol needs to continue it’s longstanding tradition of having talented, award winning artists mentor the newbies who have made an impact on the world, not some teeny bopper who’s gonna perform a duet with a Jonas brother. Who knows, maybe Miley will make something great of herself in the future and become one of these unforgettable names. But as of now, she hasn’t even donned a cap and gown for a high school graduation, so let’s leave the mentoring to the real pros, shall we?

We all agree that Lindsay Lohan is a train wreck. But can we really blame her for being so messed-up when she’s had to deal with parents like Michael and Dina Lohan?

Michael has been acting especially awful lately—he keeps leaking recordings of phone calls with Lindsay and her mom to the media, supposedly because he’s worried about her. Right, because the best way to help your strung-out daughter is by releasing calls that you recorded without her knowledge to the national press, who have always been nothing but kind to her.

What a douche.

Thinking about Michael Lohan reminds us of other Hollywood dads who are certified d-bags. Jon Gosselin, Alec Baldwin, the Hoff… all of them are rich, famous, and majorly jerky. But which one of them deserves to be named the Douchiest Hollywood Dad of all? Tell us what you think in the poll below.

Jon Gosselin: Do we even need to list the reasons why this father of eight deserves to be named Douchemaster of the Century? His crimes against humanity are only made worse by the fact that he and M.Loh are apparently BFF. Shudder.

David Hasselhoff: Remember the video from 2007 of The Hoff wasted out of his mind, eating a hamburger on the floor as his daughter begs him not to drink anymore? We do. Douchetastic.

Alec Baldwin: We love Alec on 30 Rock, but that doesn’t change his awful parenting—he screamed at his daughter on her voicemail, saying that he didn’t care if she was “twelve years old, or eleven years old,” because she’s a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Classy!

Jude Law: Don’t you just love how the British tabloids once called the Oscar-nominated actor “Rude Law”? Having an affair with your children’s nanny while dating the smoking hot Sienna Miller is definitely not polite behavior; we’d expect more from a Brit. Plus, rumor has it this dad hasn’t even met his newest love-child. Good work, champ. Even Lil Wayne is less of a dead-beat than you.

Billy Ray Cyrus: Oh, Billy. First you pose creepily with Miley in Vanity Fair, and then you let little Noah Cyrus leave the house looking like a common prostitute. We don’t care how achey and breaky your heart is—that’s just wrong.

So which dad is the douchiest? You decide:

Welcome to the world, Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery!

Aubrey O’Day’s giving a little Peepshow.

Zac Efron’s face is traumatizing.

A guide for hiring women…from 1943.

Is that Rihanna? Are those pants? What is going on?

Confessions from a Tucker Max one night stand.

It’s the end of an era for Billy Ray.