It’s not easy being gay. In a world where heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality has often been seen as more than just a religious taboo throughout history—you know, when legitimately recognized at all, that is—the LGBT community has worked tirelessly to declare that sexual preference is not a “preference” at all; instead, the nature vs. nurture arguments now lean more toward a “I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way” mantra. However, is it necessarily a winner-takes-all conclusion in the homosexuality debate? According to Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon, maybe there’s more than one way to be gay. And ton of people are pissed off about it.

I’m pissed off too, to be honest. I’m pissed off at the people who are pissed off about it. In this week’s Hot Button Issue, I invite you to read the following carefully, because a lot of vocal opinions on the Internet are getting it all just a little bit twisted…in my opinion.

Actress Cynthia Nixon, whom we know as Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City, has always been a peculiar case study for the LGBT community: she was happily in a relationship with a man for 15 years (they even had two kids together), but she’s been dating a woman since 2004. Though her sexual orientation seemed to have made a switch, she has said in the past that she didn’t feel like she was necessarily lying to herself or hiding anything. ”I’d been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman,” she told The Daily Telegraph in 2007. ”But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Many gay activists call her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous, and Nixon chose to defend her relationship by controversially stating that for her, homosexuality is a choice. She explained to the New York Times Magazine:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Opponents argue that defining Nixon’s gayness isn’t about Nixon at all; it’s about how she’s abusing her elevated platform as a celebrity with comments that can not only further confuse young people who are struggling with their sexuality in silence, but also give conservatives some free ammunition to use against the LGBT community as they continue to fight for equal civil rights. Unfortunately, this is partly true, as people who are famous for something seem to automatically become spokespeople and advocates for something else (Demi Lovato fighting eating disorders, Rihanna speaking up against domestic violence, etc.). Cynthia Nixon just wants to worry about Cynthia Nixon, but she may have given up that right when she signed on for her first big acting role.

The thing about Nixon is that she refuses to call herself bisexual; she genuinely states that she was straight before, but she’s gay now. Political blogger and gay activist John Aravosis called her out on the supposed misnomer of her sexual orientation: “It’s not a ‘choice,’ unless you consider my opting to date a guy with brown hair versus a guy with blonde hair a ‘choice.’ It’s only a choice among flavors I already like.  And if you like both flavors, men and women, you’re bisexual, you’re not gay, so please don’t tell people that you are gay, and that gay people can ‘choose’ their sexual orientation, i.e., will it out of nowhere.  Because they can’t.”

Supporters of Nixon’s views say that whether people of the LGBT community say their sexual orientation is rooted in nature or nurture, it won’t actually make a positive difference in fighting the good fight. “Ask African Americans if they think being ‘born that way’ helped during the hundreds of years they fought for equal rights, or ask women about being born that way and how that helped get the right to vote or other rights,” wrote Windy City Times editor Tracy Baim in The Huffington Post. She also pointed out that religion is also a ‘choice’ that right-wing opponents seem to recognize, but ignore that of gender or sexuality. “If they hate us, they hate us, and how we got this way just doesn’t compute in their narrow minds.”

And after seeing both sides of the Hot Button Issue and agreeing with all the good intentions on the table, I feel like these members of the LGBT community are simply arguing over technicalities at this point. If being gay means something different to Cynthia Nixon than it does to John Aravosis, then can’t both definitions exist? She isn’t attacking anyone else’s sexuality; she’s only speaking out about her own. Why attack a fellow soldier whose sword isn’t even threatening you at all? Like Tracy says, there’s a different enemy that the community might be losing sight of, because of this.

Actually, both sides seem to still have a common goal in mind: so many say that these comments will confuse young kids who are currently debating and simply trying to figure their way around what they’re feeling, but what seems to be more confusing to me, a straight person in shock of all this controversy, is how these people of the LGBT community seem to be attacking each other’s worth. Does this environment seem like a safer place than the world where one is held against a harsh heterosexual standard, a place where you won’t be judged by your sexual orientation? Even more so, maybe Nixon’s controversial comments will actually help those young people out there who actually hope to choose to be gay but didn’t know they could! Can people still explore their sexuality after being in a heterosexual relationship or two? Yes, says Cynthia Nixon, you can, and it doesn’t necessarily negate the love you had for those of the opposite sex at the time.

And if we’re gonna get technical about timelines and titles, is a virgin who has never been in a relationship still straight, even if she’s never found a man she’s been attracted to? Just a thought.

I know it’s an important conversation, but it’s not that important and worth fighting over to the point where people forget what is actually worth fighting FOR. And sadly, that greater fight is still far from over. Whether “born this way” or bred into another, Cynthia Nixon is simply saying that we are who we are, right here, right now, and that’s all that matters. That’s all that needs to be accepted, at any point. “Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate?” Nixon asked in the NYT interview. “It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”

Who is to say who we’ll be attracted to tomorrow, and who is to blame for who you were attracted to yesterday? Whether straight, gay, bisexual, or still figuring it out, your sexual orientation is yours and yours alone, and the only person who could ever have any kind of definition on the matter is the one you love, because that person’s gender—not their opinion—might change that label.

Can homosexuality be a choice for some people? Are Cynthia Nixon’s comments completely out of line, or are John Aravosis’ blogs overstepping personal boundaries?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

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Sorry CollegeCandy readers, but I’m not sharing details. All I can say is it was a fun night that involved a lot of alcohol and a we-really-hope-she’s-sleeping roommate situation. Good times. Anyways, while this was something I was hoping to cross off of my bucket list, I never really realized that I was actually interested in women. Did this make me a lesbian? Was I bisexual? Pansexual? Bi-curious? The labels didn’t really matter to me. I just accepted that I like what I like, and that’s okay.

If you allow me to make some broad generalizations, here are my favorite and least favorite things about being with both guys and girls:

Guys: I know a couple guys who are just a little obsessed with the size of their penis.
Girls: I have never in my life heard a girl talk about how she wishes she had a bigger vagina.

Guys: finish, and they’re out of commission for a good 20 minutes to an hour, depending on the dude. Of course, there are other things they can do for you… but does anyone ever really do that? In my experience, when he’s done, the sex is typically done as well. This has always been okay with me, but then I realize that…
Girls: can keep going and going and going and going. I’m actually curious about that — how does girl-on-girl sex actually end? Could we just set a mutual quota of 10 or so orgasms per sack session? Sounds kinda nice actually.

Guys: There’s always that worry in the back of your mind as to whether or not a guy is comparing you to something unattainable – something he saw in a magazine. I’m hot and all, but I’m no Kate Moss. I don’t know how many women’s bodies he’s seen, and I don’t know what he expects to see when he looks at mine.
Girls: To be honest, it’s not often I see a girl who is truly unattractive. I find all women beautiful. But at the same time, it’s kind of nice to see that the girl I’m naked with has cellulite on her legs — just like me, or she gets rolls when she bends over — just like me, and she’s still completely gorgeous (just like me?). It kind of gives you a sense of feeling normal about your imperfections.

Girls: studies show that up to 50% of women fake orgasms. How do I know when I’m doing it right!?
Guys: after sex with a guy, you KNOW you did a good job. There’s um… evidence.

Girls: get PMS. I know because I get it too. How exactly would sex work between two hormonal women? I predict fighting, passionate make-up sex, and then maybe a little post-coital crying. I’m not being sexist, I’ve actually (embarrassingly) been there.
Guys: will never, ever get PMS. Lucky bastards.

Guys: Penis = awesome.
Girls: Vagina = awesome.

See my problem here?

The truth is that there are pros and cons with getting busy with both sexes. There’s a lot to learn from different experiences, and I would totally encourage anyone who’s a little curious about exploring their sexuality with someone of the same sex to go for it. Seriously, if you can find the right person, it’s a good time. And if it ends up not being your cup of tea, at least you can say you tried!

Do you have any same-sex experiences? Please feel free to share! What advice would you have for someone exploring his or her new-found love for the same sex?

Question for Tuffs?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and by gum get that shiz adDRESSED!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Okay so here’s my problem. I met this really nice guy at the school I just transferred to. I thought things weren’t going to pass a certain point because, one, he’s just a freshman and I’m a junior, and he’s also my little sister’s best friend from high school.

Things were great at first because we have so much in common. I was starting to get really close to him and would spend every day with him and began to develop feelings for him. I invited him out with me and another close friend (we’ll call him Joe) and things were a little weird because my new friend isn’t the most social person.

I have to step back a second because I left out one big piece of information. Both of my friends are bi. Joe came out to me early on in the Fall. The new friend came out to be in late September.

I told my new friend that Joe was bi and he began a friendship with him that is turning into a serious relationship. I was really taken back when I found out and didn’t quite know what to do so I avoided the new friend for a few days while I thought everything through. I figured there’s nothing much to do but be happy for them even though I felt a twinge of betrayal. And I don’t know why, because I know I have no claim to the guy.

I think I was mostly taken back because Joe knew how I felt about my new friend. I thought I could deal with the relationship (mostly because I’m happy my new friend is happy) but it seems all me and Joe do is fight.

They both try not to leave me out and invite me everywhere they go, but I can’t help but feel left out. Especially when there’s some making out going on (and there’s a lot). I usually try to tune them out or simply leave the room.

How can I stop from feeling I have a claim to this guy and make things better with Joe? I’m not quite sure how to make everyone happy and include myself. I’ve gotten to the point where I decline invites because I feel bad about how I feel but end up feeling alone while they’re out.

This is actually the first time I’ve asked for advice because their relationship is still on some serious DL.

–Doubly Alone

Dear Doubly Alone,

Short and sweet (like Tuff): Stop hanging out with them.

Now I don’t mean stop being friends with these guys. You should ABSOLUTELY be friends with them. Girl, you’ve got to get over this idea that somehow these guys have wronged you by becoming romantically entwined. Repeat after me: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Get over it.

But in the meantime, yeah, obviously it’s hurting you and you can’t help that. So all’s I’m saying is, stop hanging out with them together. I actually think it’s really sweet that they’re inviting you out with them to try to make you feel included. See? They really do love you.

But they’re also trying to form a real relationship with each other. Stop making it more difficult and start being happy for them. The best way to do this until you’re ACTUALLY over it is to hang out with them one-on-one and not go on their dates with them. Der. Stop being there when they’re making out and you won’t have to watch it.

In the meantime, yeah, I think you should mend your friendship with the Unliked Cousin. It sounds like the only problem between you two is that you’re feeling jealous. So it’s up to you to sit down with this guy and say everything you’re feeling about the whole situation. Yeah, it’ll suck. But it’ll put everything out into the open, and afterward you guys can move on with your lives, friendship intact. Just don’t talk about it in an attacking way–make sure everything you say is honest and that nothing you say is meant specifically to hurt him.

Sounds like you actually have some good friends here. Hope you’re able to get past your jealousy so you can be a good friend back.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Most times it was the result of inebriation and the desperate urging of one of my horny guy friends at a party. But regardless how I got there, I’m always surprised by how pleasantly different it feels to kiss a girl than a guy. I guess the whole thing just feels softer and slower, and usually tastes better (like cherry chapstick?). You get smooth, pillowy lips as compared to thin, chapped ones. There’s no stubble. And with girls, tongue action is more equal, as opposed to some guys’ tendency to overpower your mouth.

Lately I’ve been wondering if kissing a girl is so different, what would having sex with a girl be like? The thought has left me awake at night with lots of questions, confusion and curiosity. When it comes to trying out the other team, there’s just so much to consider…

First of all, what does that make me?
I’m very, totally and extremely certain that I’m not gay (just ask one of the guys I’m dating). But I’m definitely not 100% straight if I’m thinking about girls this way, right? Bi-curious would probably be the best term to describe me and that’s totally fine. Actually, I think I read somewhere that most people fall in the middle on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality. There are definitely more bi-sexuals sitting among us in lecture than we think there are and, in my opinion, they’re get the best of both worlds!

How would this work?
And what am I getting myself into, exactly? What constitutes sex with a girl? Is it just oral sex? Are there tools required? Which one of us would make the moves? I wouldn’t really know what to do if I found myself in bed with another girl (although I’m sure Captain Morgan would help me out a bit). I’m not up to speed on lesbian sexual politics, and I’m not sure how I can learn. One piece of wisdom I have acquired (from my gay male friends) is that oftentimes, lesbians don’t like to mess around with girls who are bi-curious, on the fence, experimenting, etc., because they assume that when things start to migrate down south, they’ll just chicken out, reject them, and run away to the safe familiarity of a peen. I totally get that. But if gay girls don’t want to get involved with me, how am I supposed to DO this?! Which leads me to…

Where am I supposed to find a lady?
It might be easy to find sexually open-minded people at smaller, liberal arts colleges where there is a higher population of gay students. But at my school, I don’t really know where to start looking among the thousands of undergrads. Where are all the bi-curious girls? I should probably start going to Rainbow Alliance/LGBT meetings more often and try to make friends. And I guess I’ll just have to be extra alert at parties and see if I can re-wire my Gaydar to pick up on signals from girls, too. Flirting with girls at parties will probably have to happen too, but I’m still emotionally scarred from the last time I tried to do that…

But even with all those questions, why not try it?
I just feel like the time is now to try this out. It’s practically expected for people to experiment in college, and I’m ready to go. The last thing I want is to wake up one morning in twenty years next to my snoring, scruffy husband and wish that I had explored another option when it was more socially acceptable.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.
Is anybody else going through this or know someone who is?

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like a textbook throwdown!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Two weeks into the semester and most of my friends are already sick enough of their new roommates to have practically moved in with their boyfriends. All this shuffle got me to wondering – wouldn’t it be easier if they could all just live with the boys the way they almost are now?

Turns out that I’m not the only one thinking along these lines. In fact, murmurs have been floating around for the last couple of years about some schools that are not only making their dorms coed, but their dorm rooms.

That’s right, mixed gender roomies.

On the one hand, it sounds like a great idea. As much as I love my lady friends, there can be a lot of drama with two girls sharing one little space (I know friendships that have ended over clothes-borrowing debacles) and guys – in general – tend to be a bit mellower, which could be a bonus. Also, most couples I know spend most of their time at one person’s room as it is, so it just makes more sense to let them officially keep their stuff in the same place. Aside from that, most schools have already integrated to coed dorms and many even have unisex bathrooms and showers, so it seems pretty ridiculous to keep up the whole single-gender roommates idea in the face of all the rest. It’s kind of an antiquated notion, really, and some might argue gender discrimination.

In fact, at that point we reach one of the most pivotal upsides to the mixed gender roommate situation, which is that it finally addresses the LGBT issue. Traditional single-gender room assignments presuppose straightness, which just isn’t always the case. If the argument is that guys and girls shouldn’t room together because they might end up having sex, doesn’t that mean that gay guys and girls shouldn’t room with people of their own gender by the same virtue? It’s gone un-discussed in the classic college dorm model, but the truth is that there needs to be options out there for everyone and the best way to do that is to open up the field.

However, there could definitely be some problems with having mixed-gender roommates, the first and most obvious of which is that it’s a hassle. Even disregarding the inevitably huge public backlash, rooming with someone of the opposite gender opens up some problems that could end up in a lot of sudden, desperate requests for room changes. Not the least of these is the fact that living with someone is kind of a make it or break it scenario for couples – either you love it or they make you nuts and you end up breaking up. And breakups mean that someone is going to have to move, or you will have to live through each others’ attempts to move on and date other people. Oy.

Even if you aren’t dating the guy you live with, sharing all that time and space (not to mention the need to change clothes) really ups the chances of some chemistry igniting – and maybe fizzling. And if you don’t end up attracted to the guy, or vice versa, there is always the fact that some guys are messier/have different living habits and I have enough of my own shiz to clean, thankyouverymuch. Finally, though you love your guy pals, sometimes you just need a night with the girls, and girl time just doesn’t happen as easy with a guy around – straight or not.

So, am I giving everybody a fair shake here? Do you wish your school would let you do the coed roommate thing? Will they? Or do you prefer having a little girls only space? Let us know in the comments!

Ok, so a lot of you didn’t like us ripping into California yesterday – we get it. And we’re sorry for being mean and rude and stereotypical, but we were just. so. angry. This whole Prop 8 thing has us really heated up – we can’t sleep, we can’t work, and we can’t stop drowning our anger and tears in whatever food happens to be in our sights (yes, that includes a near frozen waffle).

We are just baffled by some people’s blatant disrespect for others, not to mention their need to control something that has nothing to do with them. We really feel that sexuality is fluid, that anyone (yup, even you) could one day find yourself in love with someone of the same sex…and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Because this topic is so near and dear to our hearts right now – and since we don’t have the money to fly out to California and beat those idiots into submission – we thought we’d have a chat with our boys about sexuality. Granted, our boy doesn’t speak for all boys (especially on this topic), but he is always so insightful. And he was the only one awake this morning at 4am when we couldn’t sleep and needed someone to vent to while we shoveled pudding into our mouths to heal our battered hearts…

Got something you want our dude to discuss? Let us know in the comments below and we’ll be sure to get his thoughts!

When I was in middle school and I had to choose between two boys who wanted to take me to the 7th grade dance, my mom told me to make a list. (Mind you, that was the last time I ever had 2 boys fighting over me…) After noting that one of the boys had far more cons (like picking his nose…and eating it), I had my answer. Since then, I’ve used lists to make all of my difficult life decisions: beer or vodka, Kris Allen or Adam Lambert, flats or wedges…

And now: which celeb is worse for the future of society.

This week’s showdown is between two ladies who are tainting our youth, one racy photo at a time: Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Who is wreaking more havoc? Let’s break it down:

Disney Career

Miley Cyrus, or should I say Hannah Montana, was abducted into the Disney cult at the young age of rwelve. With a hit TV show, spin-off movie, and record deal, I’m not sure if Miley will be hanging up that hideous blond wig any time soon.

Lindsay Lohan, also paid her Disney dues, starring in The Parent Trap, Life Size, Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and Herbie Fully Loaded. Sadly, the freckles faded (or perhaps were spray tanned over) and Lindsay broke her ties to Disney to pursue other acting gigs

Point: Miley Cyrus. Maybe it’s time Miley moved on to bigger and better things (it’s not like all those Disney movies did Lindsay any good, anyway). Besides, that whole double persona thing confuses the crap out of me.

Racy Pics

Miley Cyrus started small with some provocative bff pics, you know, just sharing a gummy worm with the bestie, eating lollipops, and rolling around on the ground together. But that was just the beginning. Soon after, Miley was jonesing for more Lolita love and stripped down to her skivvies. I like to refer to these as the panty pics, because, for God knows what reason, Miley decided to hold a photo sesh in her underwear (Myspace style). Of course the pictures leaked. I’ve been saving the best for last, because for her grand finale, Miley graced the cover of Vanity Fair in nothing but a sheet. Everybody on Team Miley lost their sh*t and denied any involvement in the decision. Hey, she ‘s just being Miley, right?

Lindsay Lohan posed for her Vanity Fair cover in a little white bikini. She waited to reveal her bits a few pages in a la Marilyn Monroe. The whole thing wasn’t terribly scandalous, but don’t you worry, there’s plenty more scandal in Lindsay’s photo past. First, I have two words for you: Fire Crotch. Seemed like Lindsay had something to prove after that little nick name became public. Then there were the  Vanessa Minnilo Knife Pictures.  But who am I to judge, I’m sure it was just your average house party when the knife play got a little out of control. Oh, and how could we forget when Lindsay passed out in that car?! God bless the paparazzi for capturing that gleaming moment in Lindsay’s life.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. A vag flash, knife pic and passing out drunk on camera? The only way Miley could top that is if someone got a shot of her in a threesome with the Jonas Brothers…and all of T.I.’s guns.

Role Model

Miley Cyrus likes to talk about her good morals. This could be great as far as being a role model. Who doesn’t want someone with strong moral values and an awesome work ethic to give kids someone to look up to? Unfortunately, Miley has been a little hypocritical as far as those morals go. Just look at the photo evidence if you don’t believe me.

Lindsay Lohan had a very public lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson. This could have been a great opportunity for Lindsay to step up as a role model for the gay community and break some of the stereotypes associated with lesbians and bisexuals. Lindsay didn’t really come through, though. There was more focus on the negative instead of the positive in that relationship; drug allegations, restraining orders and public screaming matches don’t exactly promote a healthy image.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. I don’t really think anybody should be looking up to Lindsay Lohan right now.

Branding

Miley Cyrus has Hannah Montana stuff EVERYWHERE. I don’t think I’ve ever went shopping without seeing that big toothy smile. She has DVDs,  wigs, make up, handbags, backpacks, dolls, CDs, books, boardgames, toilet seats… Yes, I said toilet seats. Need I continue?

Lindsay Lohan had her own line of leggings, but right now she’s sticking to spray tan. It sounds like a cruel joke but it’s true – the queen of orange glow is taking her spray tan wisdom to the public with Sevin Nyne.

Point: Miley Cyrus. I know she’s probably raking in the cash, but nobody should ever put their face on a toilet seat. Seriously, she’s just asking to be pissed on.

Fame Whore Parents

Miley Cyrus is the daughter Billy Ray Cyrus (you know, Achey Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus.) When your dad was once a famous country singer (with chaps and a mullet) who is no longer in the limelight, you are already in danger of crossing into crazy stage-parent territory. Add in that Miley’s dad co-stars in Hannah Montana with her and you have a full fledged fame whore dad. It probably doesn’t help that Billy Ray has that very creepy Joe Simpson vibe going for him either.

Lindsay Lohan’s family loooooooves publicity. Doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, Dina and Michael Lohan will take any opportunity to talk to a tabloid, call a radio show, or write to a website. I’m surprised they haven’t hired sky writers yet. Like Billy Ray, Dina claims she attempted her own career as a rockette. She settled for a reality show and status as a fame whore parent instead.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. Let’s just say the Lohans are a little more involved in their daughter’s life. And by “involved” I mean “get drunk with her and call the paps to be outside when they leave.”

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Lindsay Lohan. As much as it pains me, I really can’t hate on Miley this time.

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