You’re welcome.

There was no name on the list, so she couldn’t get anyone in trouble. Instead, she did what any normal 21st century woman would do: she posted it online for the rest of the world to see and enjoy. As the original post states, there are a few pages missing, so we’re left to wonder about the other 15 types of bitches. But really, the list is pretty comprehensive as is so I can’t even fathom what bitches are missing.

Anyways, read and enjoy. Then tell us, what type of bitch are you? (Though if you’re a #60, you might want to keep that to yourself….and see a doctor.)

But Elizabeth Lambert, a junior at the University of New Mexico and a defender on their women’s soccer team, takes assertiveness to a whole new level. Lambert was caught on tape acting like a big scary ogre  toward other players during a New Mexico/BYU game. Strength is one thing, but this chick is ridiculous.

If there’s anyone at University of New Mexico reading this right now, we sincerely hope that you never accidentally cut in front of this girl in the cafeteria. Or step on her foot at the bar. Best case scenario: a giant bald spot where your loose bun once perched. Worst case: well, we can only hope some big, burly bouncer guy has your back.

Got a guy question that’s tearing you up inside? Don’t trust your girl friends to give you honest advice (because they’re afraid if they tell you the truth you will freak out and throw things at them)? Just want to try and understand what a guy is thinking?

We’ve got the dude for you. Send your questions to AskTheDude@CollegeCandy.com and he’ll give it to you straight, whether you want to hear that you’re just a Friend With Benefits or not. Because you can’t throw things at him, no matter what he tells you.

Hey Dude,

OK so this may seem really lame but for some reason guys NEVER sit near me in class. I feel like I’m giving off a bad impression but I really don’t understand. Me and my friends have been analyzing the situation (mostly just cracking jokes about how I look like a big reject) and we can’t figure it out. Not to sound cocky but I’m hot…I have a great rack, long pretty hair, and shower regularly (in case you’re thinking smell is a factor). I just don’t understand it. Do I give off some sort of bitch mannerisms? Is there any way to make me look more approachable when sitting in class? Sorry if this is a really lame question.

–Loser bitch who sits alone in class all the time

Dear (Not a) Loser (and not a) bitch,

Frequent bathing and consistent hygiene habits aside, there are typically two reasons that guys won’t sit near you in class: A) they are intimidated, or B) they are annoyed. Although your admirable rack size and general follicular health imply that perhaps your classmates are truly thrown by your hotness level, it is also highly possible that you’re subconsciously sending out bitch sonar. Unfortunately, pretty girls and bitchy girls are often confused as one in the same, so whether or not you’re actually displaying arrogant mannerisms may not even be a basis for the widespread avoidance.

Never-the-less, a bad reputation generally works like a “Stage 5 Clinger”: it won’t let go, it’s impossible to ignore, and it’s easy to spread around. Whether it’s true or not, the dudes in your class may have gotten wind of any manner of previous bad habits (a prior tendency to sleep around, a high maintenance personality, the tendency to talk too much, and so on), and labeled you as such. When push comes to shove, men have a lot of secret thoughts (we wish we were MacGyver and could fix anything with chewing gum and a piece of string; we secretly relate to various characters from Star Wars, and we pick our Fantasy Football draft more carefully than the President), but once our mind is made up, it can be very hard to change.

The easiest thing that you can do to stop feeling lame (and be more approachable), is to do just that… be more approachable. Make sure you relax. Smile at strangers. Be open to conversations. And due to the fact that your male counterparts’ minds may already be made up about you, you might have to jump into conversations at first to prove a point. After awhile (and after repeated laid-back interactions in class), the men will get the idea that your “ice queen” persona is melting, and hopefully, the current leprosy effect will cease.

And when in doubt, an extra bath or two can’t hurt.

— The Dude

You know those times when that little monster inside of you just wants to lash out? Well, here are some bold (and bitchy counterpart) responses to ease the inner bitch while still putting someone in their place.

You go girl.

Someone Cuts You in Line
Bitchy: Get the f out of my way, you line cutting ho.
Bold: Excuse me? I believe I was here first, but feel free to get in line behind me.

Someone Macks on Your Man
Bitchy: Back off before I go Jerry Springer on you. HE’S MY MAN.
Bold: I appreciate the compliment of you admiring my man, but he is taken…. by me. (Smiley aggressively)

Someone Tries to Steal Your Idea at Work
Bitchy: Isn’t it funny how that idea wasn’t yours at all, but my idea? I think our boss will also think it’s funny. When I tell him. RIGHT NOW, bitch.
Bold: I find it interesting that your “idea” was so similar to my input and original thought. I guess, in the future, I won’t collaborate with you at all.

Someone Insults Your Outfit:
Bitchy: I was actually going to tell you that I saw your outfit on Hollywood Boulevard on one of the regulars. Men seem to really like her.
Bold: Sometimes it is hard being an individual and actually thinking for myself in terms of fashion. Some praise me for it. Some don’t, obviously.

Be a classy lady, dip your insults in sugar, smile, and relish in the thought of all the good Karma you’ll receive for keeping your cool rather than bitching it out. Because, really, no one wants to look like a Real Housewife of Atlanta, right?

And my major, film and television, is one of them.

I decided to major in film and TV because I want to work in that industry one day (duh). I have always dreamed of being a screenwriter, producer, or, my ultimate goal, a movie director. When I tell people I that they look at me in shock. “Are there female directors??”

Uh, thanks, dude.
OF COURSE THERE ARE!

When I’m not in the male-dominated classroom, I work (with only 2 other women) for a show on a local TV station. The rest of the staff makes jokes about women constantly, and while it’s all in good fun and I know they’re good guys, I’m getting a bit sick of it. They never listen to me or the other two girls, and we’re kind of ignored when it comes to creative content. The only time they do listen to the women on staff is when it is coming from the size 4, blonde girl I work with. And that only upsets me even more. 

I don’t want to have to slather on the makeup to get the attention of my peers, but it seems the only other way I can get it is to demand it. Of course if I do that, I’m automatically labeled the bitch. Why is it that those are the only two options for us?

I’ve come to realize that this is a problem in a lot of majors. My best friend is a female engineer and she said that in that department the man to woman ratio is 12:1. Twelve to one! Where are all the smart women? Could it be that most of them were turned away from math at a young age after being told they couldn’t do it? And is it fair that those who stuck it out have to fight with that stigma every day as their male classmates silently size them up and ignore whatever insight they can bring to the topic at hand?

The truth is that no matter how far we’ve come, many of us still have to fight to prove ourselves every day. It’s not something many people realize on college campuses, but it is definitely a problem. Is this something you’ve seen? Share your experiences below!

Dear PMS:

Why?
Just why?

Who do you think you are? I mean really. You come around once a month like that annoying friend you don’t really want to hear from, yet every month, without fail, she asks you for plans and you feel sort of obligated. So you give in, but then coffee turns into an all day shopping ordeal and by the end you want to tear your hair out because now not only did you learn that you can’t stand the person you are with, but  – bonus lesson! – you learned that eating cookies DOES in fact equal having to buy a size up in your jeans.

Well that’s how I feel with you. Only instead of a day, it’s 5 and the only person I can’t stand to be around is myself. (The part of the too-tight jeans rings true thanks to you making me feel the urge to eat a bag of something salty, which of course leads me to want something sweet, which then of course leads me to want a tuna sandwich. I know! I don’t get it either!)

You make me weepy. I cry at Disney commercials (true story) and when the cheesy music comes on as the lesson is learned at the end of Full House. Strike that – you make me actually want to watch Full House.

You make my boobs hurt so much that I have to wear two sports bras to workout…and one to sleep. I can’t even put a shirt on without wincing in pain; forget sleeping on my stomach. Or, I don’t know, letting a boy anywhere near them.

You make my skin revert back to its 13 year old ways. Do you remember what its like to be 13, PMS? Do you? I don’t think you do, because if you did then you would vividly remember the time that cute boy Josh Schwartz asked me why Mount Everest decide to relocate to my face because, in his opinion, Mt. Everest was doing just fine where it was and that I should be in an advertisement for Clearasil. That would be reason enough to never ever give me a pimple again. But noooo – even in my young adult life, every month you feel the need to sprout a pimple right in the center of my face. And not just any pimple – you prefer the special giant kind that starts from underneath and is more painful than any period cramp in the history of cramps.  (Don’t even get me started on those.)

You make me moody – probabaly because I look like sh*t and my pants don’t button – but either way I’m a total bitch to the rest of the world. And the worst part is: I realize I’m doing it. Inside my head I say, “Jill stop being such a moody bitch,” but then word vomit – the bitch version – takes over and everything mean and insensitive and downright bitchy just comes out.

I mean, I get it – they (my mother) say you are really a gift because not only do I know for sure that I’m not popping one out in 9 months, but you are also preparing me for childbirth. That the cramps are really a blessing because they are preparing me for contractions. That I should embrace mother nature and say “No means NO” to Advil and instead say “Hollerrrr!” to an amazing experience that will one day be a baby’s head coming out of my Vagina.

But I. don’t. care. I saw Knocked Up and I am already in therapy for it, so give me a freaking break. Much like the annoying drunk, the needy girl and the chick who always ditches her friends for her boyfriend, you are one friend I can definitely do without.

That is all.

No love,
Jill

What?! But everything was going so well!

“I’m sorry,” he explains. “I just got out of a bad relationship, and I don’t want to get involved.” Read: he was tainted by a crazy chick.

Since the beginning of time, bad boys have been toying with women’s emotions – playing us, and hurting us. Well, guess what ladies — this isn’t the suffrage era, and some girls out there think they have the power to level the playing field. Unfortunately, these crazy girls ruin the perfectly nice boys for the rest of us perfectly nice girls.

You might think you’re in the clear, but are you? Read on to make sure you don’t fall into the “Crazy Ex Girfriend” category. And if you do, thanks; you’re the reason I’ve been single for so long. Well, at least part of the reason.

The Cheater

This ex-girlfriend broke the guy’s heart, maybe more than once. Perhaps they were together for years, and he walked in on her and his friend one night. Maybe she had multiple “flings,” and confessed them all, in tears, and he forgave her time and again. No matter what, cheating hurts for girls and guys. This girl probably made your guy weary of being cuckolded again and wore down his trust in women. He thinks you’ll cheat, and he’s not ready to be played for a fool again.

The Bitch

This is the girl who takes out her frustrations on her man, picks fights in public, and reprimands him for the little details. He buys her a thoughtful Valentine’s day present; she throws a temper tantrum because he didn’t spring for a pair of earrings from Tiffany’s. He makes a joke at dinner, and she storms away from the table, leaving him alone and waiting for the check, embarrassed. Yet, for whatever reason, he put up with it for months, or even years. (Maybe it was the make-up sex.) Mean guys get a bad rap for being “emotionally abusive,” but these mean girls often slip under the radar because their behavior is chalked up to being a high-maintenance diva. Now that your crush is finally single, free, and thinking for himself, he likes it, and he’s not sure if he emotionally or financially ready for the drama he associates with being in a relationship.

The Clinger

We’ve seen these girls parodied in movies– see Wedding Crashers‘ term, “Stage-Five Clinger.” The clinger might not have even been a long-term girlfriend: even a one-night stand turned Fatal Attraction vixen can make the guy cautious of returning a girls’ affection. If it was a long-term relationship, the Clinger behaves like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, except she’s not putting on an act to win a bet, she really is that clingy. After either having a casual hook up try to plan a wedding or going for months without being able to have a day with the boys over football on Sundays, the guy is now so happy to make his own plans that he’s willing to choose freedom over sex.

The Girl Who Went Psycho After the Breakup

Everything was going well for the guy, until he gently tried to break it off with his girlfriend. She snapped, and may have turned into The Clinger post-breakup. He tried to date again, and she was waiting to scare his new prospects away every time. This girl is personified by Miranda Lambert in her song “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.” Thanks to her, he’s not only afraid to commit to a potential nutcase, but he fears that getting close to you will instigate another confrontation and that she’ll scare you away and ruin his chances anyway.

The False Alarm Liar

As the relationship begins to fizzle out, this girl takes drastic measures to keep the guy. What does she do? She lies about getting pregnant. It’s the perfect way to keep a guy, right? Wrong! Eventually, she has to come clean, and the trauma from thinking he’s going to be a father followed by the news that he’s been had is going to keep him off the market for a while.

Any of these girls can ruin a perfectly good guy for the rest of us. Why do girls behave this way? There’s a million answers for that. But the bottom line is, ladies, treat your man the way you would want to be treated. Don’t ruin him for the rest of us!

We know that Halloween is a great excuse for girls to dress likes whores without being judged by their peers, but isn’t this going a bit too far? I mean, come on; the other dogs are gonna sniff her ass even if she wasn’t wearing a super short skirt.

Unless, of course, there is some freakish fetish behind all this. Somehow we think we will be seeing this again… on Dateline.

Things didn’t seem to be getting off on a good foot when I discovered myself and my boyfriend, also on the same hall, were completely surrounded by freshmen. We were juniors, with a buttload of junior independent work to get done in the course of the year, and we didn’t have as much patience for freshmen shenanigans as in the past. But still, we vowed to be good sports. The freshmen started things off with a bang by constantly converging in the hall right in front of my door to chatter loudly about inane subjects. On weekend nights, the music coming out of their rooms shook the floors, no matter how many times we asked them to turn it down.

The girls decided to label me as a spoil-sport because of this polite request, and insisted on giving me dirty looks in the bathroom. They continually stole the chalk from my chalkboard, left dirty dishes in the sink of the kitchen, and had atrocious hygiene when it came to disposing of sanitary items. That, however, was only the beginning.

The girls were all members of the same sorority and talked constantly about how to rise through the ranks and how drunk they would have to get to fit in. Their talk was not only rudely loud but made me grit my teeth as a feminist, particularly how they would loudly call each other sluts and bitches. On Halloween, they were all dressing up as bowling pins for a frat party. As I passed by one open door where they were all dressing I remember hearing one girl ask timidly, “I have white leggings, which would go better. Should I wear those?” Another girl, the ringleader of the group, immediately snapped back, “NO! We’re going for conformity, we must conform.” It sounded like something out of a horrible mean-girls-ish movie, but she meant it seriously.

As the weekends of the semester went on and the parties got wilder, the freshmen decided loudly dancing in the hallway wasn’t enough to get on people’s nerves. They began drawing obscene images on the boards of the people they decided weren’t cool enough. Again and again I left my room in the morning to find cartoons on my board. I rolled my eyes, but didn’t say anything; it was just some chalk drawings, after all. However, the freshmen were only getting started.

I had almost never spoken to any of them directly and had never done anything to offend, but they decided I was the girl they were going to ostracize, to punish. They began drawing obscene images exclusively on my board, then, finally, the images were accompanied by truly offensive words, f****t and c**t. I couldn’t believe it. Weren’t these intelligent, thinking human beings? Hadn’t they had to pass rigorous tests to get into Princeton? How could they be so thoughtless, so causelessly cruel?

In part II of the harrowing saga, I strike back, but so do they…