Got a guy question that’s tearing you up inside? Don’t trust your girl friends to give you honest advice (because they’re afraid if they tell you the truth you will freak out and throw things at them)? Just want to try and understand what a guy is thinking?

We’ve got the dude for you. Send your questions to AskTheDude@CollegeCandy.com and he’ll give it to you straight, whether you want to hear that you’re just a Friend With Benefits or not. Because you can’t throw things at him, no matter what he tells you.

Hey Dude,

OK so this may seem really lame but for some reason guys NEVER sit near me in class. I feel like I’m giving off a bad impression but I really don’t understand. Me and my friends have been analyzing the situation (mostly just cracking jokes about how I look like a big reject) and we can’t figure it out. Not to sound cocky but I’m hot…I have a great rack, long pretty hair, and shower regularly (in case you’re thinking smell is a factor). I just don’t understand it. Do I give off some sort of bitch mannerisms? Is there any way to make me look more approachable when sitting in class? Sorry if this is a really lame question.

–Loser bitch who sits alone in class all the time

Dear (Not a) Loser (and not a) bitch,

Frequent bathing and consistent hygiene habits aside, there are typically two reasons that guys won’t sit near you in class: A) they are intimidated, or B) they are annoyed. Although your admirable rack size and general follicular health imply that perhaps your classmates are truly thrown by your hotness level, it is also highly possible that you’re subconsciously sending out bitch sonar. Unfortunately, pretty girls and bitchy girls are often confused as one in the same, so whether or not you’re actually displaying arrogant mannerisms may not even be a basis for the widespread avoidance.

Never-the-less, a bad reputation generally works like a “Stage 5 Clinger”: it won’t let go, it’s impossible to ignore, and it’s easy to spread around. Whether it’s true or not, the dudes in your class may have gotten wind of any manner of previous bad habits (a prior tendency to sleep around, a high maintenance personality, the tendency to talk too much, and so on), and labeled you as such. When push comes to shove, men have a lot of secret thoughts (we wish we were MacGyver and could fix anything with chewing gum and a piece of string; we secretly relate to various characters from Star Wars, and we pick our Fantasy Football draft more carefully than the President), but once our mind is made up, it can be very hard to change.

The easiest thing that you can do to stop feeling lame (and be more approachable), is to do just that… be more approachable. Make sure you relax. Smile at strangers. Be open to conversations. And due to the fact that your male counterparts’ minds may already be made up about you, you might have to jump into conversations at first to prove a point. After awhile (and after repeated laid-back interactions in class), the men will get the idea that your “ice queen” persona is melting, and hopefully, the current leprosy effect will cease.

And when in doubt, an extra bath or two can’t hurt.

— The Dude

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.

Every girl has a story about some other girl who stabbed her in the back and then made her feel like crap about it. I mean, unfortunately, it’s a fact of life. Women are mean to each other.

Now, obviously, this is messed up. Aren’t men mean enough? Why do we have to make each other miserable too? But the fact is, we do.

So how to deal with such underhandedness? Cry? Scream? Pee in her soup?

Nope! Take the high road and follow these easy tips for counteracting cattiness. Because, seriously? She’s SO not worth it.

Don’t Cry

This is usually the first instinct. In that stinging moment when you discover her betrayal, tears almost always seem inevitable.

But fight those motherf*ckers!! Tears make her happy and make you look upset. And that’s what you don’t want. Think about something really funny and bite the inside of your cheek. Do NOT let her see you cry.

Talk To Your Mother

Or your aunt or your grandma or your older sister or your cousin, or anyone who automatically has your back and won’t tell anyone. This is the place where you can cry. Get it all out here, because this is your last chance.

(And buy whoever this is dinner, because they deserve it for listening.)

Make a List

Write down the things that upset you about the situation. Then cross out all the things on your list that will actually hurt you in the long run. Chances are, you’ll find there aren’t any. And if there is one, think about how you can run damage control before it gets any worse.

Cut Contact

Don’t get revenge. It’ll only bite you in the butt in the long run.

Instead, think about ways you can avoid her. Of course, you should always be polite when you see her–but only polite, not friendly. She is obviously not worth the negative energy.

If she’s a close friend or someone who you have to work with or anything like that, you will need to talk to her. Explain to her why she hurt your feelings and see how she reacts. If she goes on the defensive or tries to act like a martyr, just say you understand and resolve to remain polite but distant. If, however, she is truly sorry, then perhaps you can live to friend another day.

Get Over It

Yeah, it seems impossible. But you gotta do it.

Let it go and feel the relief of knowing you took the high road. You are making the best decision for you by avoiding drama and handling her bitchiness as an adult. Let her next victim seek revenge (and end up regretting it)–you don’t need her validation to be who you are.

Congratulations. You’ve just conquered cattiness. And you didn’t even break a sweat.

[Image courtesy of www.stephenrahn.com. Doesn't it make fighting look oh-so-cute?]

I started thinking about it when I realized how half the country (or more) has such a powerful, abiding hatred for Hillary Clinton (even now that the primary season is over). My grandmother can’t stand her, and yet I can never get a straight answer of why. I finally figured out that just about all of the criticisms being hurled at Hillary when she was still in contention all boiled down to the fact that she was calculating, ambitious, aggressive, and outspoken — the very qualities we celebrate in men and despise in women.

Men do it to women, and worse, women do it to women — we conclude that any female who’s a little nasty is a b*itch. That’s why I’ve sworn off that word. When someone calls a woman a b*tch, it doesn’t tell me anything about the person other than that she has just been typified as a woman, a member of a group considered to be all alike, each member being a little less than an individual. Hillary Clinton went down because of it, and now we are seeing the same de-individualization happening to Michelle Obama. It’s just too delicious for conservative pundits to label her as the Angry Black Woman, angry for the exact same reasons as many men, and angry in the exact same way. When a woman gets mad, though, she gets b*tchy. Suddenly, a woman’s anger is something to stereotype, to stuff into a neat box.

It’s not just on the political level that we see this happening. In the workplace or even among friends, the B word is thrown around with ease. We may even be tempted to use it ourselves, because after all, wasn’t Sharon acting like such a –? Well, you get the picture. The next time you hear a friend call another this word, remind them of how objectifying it really is, and how it invalidates that person’s right to be an individual regardless of gender.

Oh, and I say lay off on calling guys d*cks too. Fair’s fair, and at least in the perfect dream world of my mind, where women can be president and everyone respects everyone else’s individuality, no one is objectified.

[Photo from jupiter images]

Yesterday was one of the best Mondays I have had in a long time. I got some great personal news, it was Cinco De Mayo (so I celebrated that great news with some tequila shots) and Gossip Girl was so. freaking. good. And then The Hills came on, and my day took a turn for the worse.

I don’t know if it was the fact that everything was just so great all day or that maybe I am just finally catching on to what everyone else has been saying (that nothing ever really happens on this damn show), but I just didn’t have love for The Hills last night. Lauren turned into an uber snooty bitch and Lo, my favorite of all reality show stars, was the ring leader of bitchiness.

Not only did the Barbie Twins shun Audrina to her own house in the backyard, but they pretty much shunned her from their lives. They lay out by the pool without her, get a “roommate” sushi dinner without her and get a freaking puppy without her. It would be one thing if Lauren just embraced the fact that she sucks as a friend, but no; she tries to play the hero and acts all sad when Audrina isn’t around.

Newsflash, Lauren: Just because Audrina really isn’t doing anything at the recording studio, she does have to stay. It would be nice of you to possibly wait for her to get said “roommate dinner” instead of visiting for 5 seconds and getting mad when she can’t leave with you. Some people have to actually do work to hold a cool job. You just wouldn’t understand. (Note: The writer of this article doesn’t really think Audrina got her job based on skill and knows it was because she is on a TV show. The writer just needed to fake-believe that to make her point that Lauren is really starting to suck.)

In other fake job news, Heidi meets with her boss in attempts to move up the corporate ladder…and party in Vegas. Brent – a guy so ugly he is actually sorta hot – says a few words regarding a hotel in Vegas, to which Heidi responds:”Sounds brilliant.” It seems to me that someone has been reading, Business Meetings for Dummies where they teach you some big words to use to impress the bosses…when used correctly…unlike here.

Anyhoo, Heidi leaves the meeting and starts telling everyone that she is officially project manager and will be launching a hotel in Vegas. I know that MTV edits the sh*t out of this stuff, but did anyone else hear that in the meeting? All I heard was the boss basically telling Heidi that she needs to get her hands dirty and really focus on the job, instead of her douchebaggy BF.

But, of course Heidi was telling the truth! And of course Heidi – a girl with very few skills – gets to relocate to Vegas on a private jet with the company’s head honcho. And why not? She deserves it! She has been so good at holding the clipboards at those clubs and checking off people’s names as they walk in. Next stop: The Oval Office!

In all the excitement and packing and putting on makeup, Heidi never told Spencer she was leaving. And, shockingly enough neither did Stephanie. Instead, she kicked his broke ass out of her apartment. He, in turn, called her pathetic (the guy with no job living on his sister’s couch), stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed, “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” before packing a small overnight bag and heading back to Chateau de Speidi.

Spencer arrives and finds Heidi isn’t there. Spencer gets a sad puppy dog face. He knows she is gone. Even though she could have just been at work, like any normal person. It is the middle of the day. But he just knew. And he was sad.

You know what happens when Spencer gets sad! Inappropriate surprise visits! This time he follows her on an important business trip! I can’t wait to see what happens! Will they get back together? Or will Heidi find some other moron who wants to man-handle those over-sized silicon orbs?

And what about Audrina? Is she gonna ditch the bitches and find her own place? Will she and JB end up together?

We will see in the season finale next week. I have high expectations, so I hope MTV doesn’t disappoint again.

Yet even I, president of the I Hate Heidi and Fake Face/Boobs and Super Shiny and Bouncy Blonde Hair and Big Teeth club feel drawn to her this week. There is something about the sheer douchiness of Spencer that makes Heidi look, well, good.

Last night’s episode of The Hills made Heidi look like an actual responsible and semi-intelligent adult. For the first time in our long and tumultuous history, Heidi actually seemed to be taking her job seriously.

No more “I wanna get paid for doing nothing.” The Future Mrs. Pratt is actually putting her personal life on hold for the sake of her serious new position. And I can’t help but respect that. I also can’t help but notice that she is working longer hours than me. And that makes me feel like less of a person.

What happened to old Heidi? You know, skip out on work to get lunch Heidi. Or drop out of fashion school after one day Heidi. I know one person who misses her: Whiny, Bitchy Spencer. (Sidenote: I kinda miss her too. She is so much more fun when you can really hate her.)

But, you kinda have to understand where Spencer is coming from. I mean, the kid has no job. He sits around all day while his dad fixes and whitens the teeth of the stars and passes his money onto Spencer to spend on random crap. Though, not things he might need like, say, a razor?

But back to my point: since he has alienated all of his (3) friends since meeting Heidi, Spencer is literally left with nothing to do. Which, as we have seen, leads him to live a completely pathetic existence where is he begging Heidi to hang out with him and whining when she can’t.

Ah. Sympathy for Spencer is officially over. He is so pitiable it hurts me just a little inside. I used to think these two losers were perfect for each other, but now I have come to learn that Heidi may actually be too good for Spencer. I know; it is killing me to even admit that, but I can’t deny the truth.

Like the fact that Brody is looking a lot cuter these days. There is something about that bionic hand that really gets me going. And those cute little sunglasses he wore to his beach party. And even though the boy from the photo shoot was mad hot in that pink shirt/gray pant combo, I really am pulling for LC and Brody to get together. It was total Cute City at the end of the show when they hung up and were both all smiles!

My ice-cold heart totally melted into a pile of mush. I know MTV probably cut the whole thing to make it uber cute, but I fell for it and for Brody.

Oh God. I must be getting my period. My emotions are all outta whack. We’ll see if I’m still feeling love for Heidi (and hot and bothered for Brody) next week when I am no longer experiencing the effects of PMS.

UK magazine The Independent recently ran an article about the lack of black and minority models on the runway.

Dee Doocey, a former fashion manager who’s currently campaigning for diversity on the catwalk says she can’t remember “being sent a model who wasn’t white,” during her days in the field “I don’t know if it’s racism, or just the fashion industry languishing in the doldrums”, Doocey continues, “but it needs to change. Agencies only seem interested in leggy white blonde girls.”

While none-white people make up about “30 percent” of London’s population, they “don’t even make up 1 percent of the models”, a ratio that sounds like it might have a reflection in America as well.

One managing director at a London agency that specializes in ethnically diverse models illustrated the crux of the problem by explaining her difficulty in getting work for her black models.

“The racism you come across is not underlying, it’s blatant” she reveals, going on to say that “People will say things like ‘Don’t send any more black models’, and one designer even said black people didn’t suit his clothes. And we’re not talking about small designers here; it’s all the big ones.”

So not only does the industry want their models to be paper thin, they require them to be Aryan as well.

I’m sure there are people within the fashion world who fight for healthy and diverse models, but since racism and anorexia are still prevalent, those individuals have got to be in the minority.

People can defend the already self-important industry if they want, but as far as I’m concerned, intolerance ain’t pretty.