But what I do get is sharing the joy of Gossip Girl after it airs. This week, I’ve decided to pseudo live blog. Because with an episode name like Poison Ivy, you know this sh*t is going to be good!

And if you missed the episode? Consider this your cheat sheet so when your girls ask if you watched tonight at dinner…you’ll be able to join the convo.

What will happen with Dan and Serena? Will he ever forgive her? What will happen with Serena and Blair? Will she ever forgive her? And what, pray tell, happened between Dan’s dad and Serena’s mom??

I’m so excited. And now that I’m settled in my bed with my ice cold can of Budweiser and my YouTubed episode of Gossip Girl, let the drama begin…

Part One

How cute is Dan with all the knicks on his face from shaving? Endearing.

HAHA. The choir is singing Glamorous. AHAHA.

Wait, they’re only Juniors… yesss. This insures at least one more fabulous year of Gossip.

I love Jenny, she just talked like a Latina girl while making fun of Dan’s inability to shave.

I love that vest Serena’s throwing on. Tres cute. Grey knit is big for fall. Oooh and I love the grey suede boots. They look like knee socks, BUT NO! Adorable.

And there’s the zinger of the first eight minutes, ladies. Blair to Serena: “Oh, too bad you missed the assembly. Not that it would have mattered, Brown doesn’t offer a degree in Slut.”

Snap.

Part Two.

I think the three Tylenol and the beer are getting rid of my headache. High school boys are hot.

Why must Blair’s mignons insist on dressing so fugly all the time? She’s the bitch here, shouldn’t SHE tell them?

GIRL FIGHT!!! Girls with sticks… brutal!

Dan is doing so well in his interview… how cute is he! Except he and Nate are vying for the same position.

Ahhaha. I love Chuck. Why should he be an usher? Because he’s Chuck Bass. Of course.

Nate is showing compassion… kind of. And of course, Dan should be pissed, why the fuck didn’t he get the usher spot? Ugh, I hate money. And society. And legacies. But I love Dan. And Budweiser.

I wish my Williamsburg apartment looked like theirs. It’s totally sweet ass.

Oh, Jenny. Life is tough in the ‘Burg isn’t it? I feel ya, babe.

Part 3

Serena’s mom is bailing on the therapy sesh. She’s totes pissed her kids are standing up to her.

I totally want to know what happened between Dan’s dad and Serena’s mom!

And I wonder why the juniors only get to go if they get the usher spot? It’s a mixer, doesn’t that mean people mix for God’s sake? Stupid prep schools.

Oooh. Love Serena’s dress. So cute! And her hairdo. I wish I had thick hair. And a hair stylist. Or at least the money to get my hair cut.

Oh, Serena is a huge bitch! I looove it.

Haha. Chuck is trying to get into the Princeton rep’s pants. He’s so sleezy, loves it!

Part 4

I love Jenny. She and Eric would be so cute together! And she’s wearing the dress Blair gave her… poor thing. But it looks good on her. My friend’s clothes never fit me that well. Then again, we’re not all size two’s either.

Nate just stood up to his dad! About damn time…he’s been acting like a pussy.

Eric is opening up to Jenny. They’re adorable!

Blair always dresses like a damn WASP. That suit outfit is totally unbecoming.

Oh no, I knew Blair would choose the Ostroff Center. I saw it coming. Sh*t, sh*t sh*t. Blair is a bitch.

And now Serena’s totally taken the fall for her brother. She’s such a good sister.

Dan and Serena sharing kind words… is there a chance?

Blake Lively has an awesome décolleté. Can my collar bone look that hot please?

Oooh, getting together and not talking? Maybe that means sucking face. Please, do!

Eric is standing up to Blair! Oooh, she got told and never saw his attempted suicide coming.

Why is Nate ALWAYS sleeping over at Chuck’s? And always on his couch. Chuck lives in a hotel, there are PLENTY OF ROOMS, NATE.

Awww. Jenny went to rehab to see Eric. And brought him a present! So sweet. And adorably outfitted.

Part Five

WHAT is that on Serena’s head? That hat is not cute. It’s totally 70’s. Blair’s booties look cute.

Blair is a bitch because she was abandoned! By her Dad who ran away with a 31 year old MALE MODEL! And then by her best friend! I suppose those are a few good reasons to be such a bitter biatch.

Does Blair really have a heart? Will they ever forgive each other? Will things ever be the same? Sigh.

General consensus? LOVES IT!

‘Till next week!

The first hour was pretty awesome, actually. Though I’m not a fan of Blake, he held it down with Doug E. Fresh. His beatboxing talent is undeniable, the singing voice is just a little shakey.

The group numbers with Smokey Robinson, and Gladys Knight were hugely entertaining.

The two old schoolers are still wonderful talents to watch, and though the Idol wannabes are perhaps not the most rhythmically gifted people (the choreography was just funny to watch), vocally they all sounded great.

Except for Sanjaya, of course. I am a HUGE Joe Perry fan. I think maybe he was the first guitar God that I fell in love with, and no matter how old he gets he still looks seriously, seriously hot. But why, American Idol producers did you have to make Sanjaya sing again? It was like watching a drunken frat boy sing karaoke badly. How much better would Gina have been? I love Gina.

Of the old Idols, I still love her the best. Her opening song was a little weird, and she started off with some pitch problems, but by the end I think she proved how good her voice is. And she was feeling that song—there’s no wrath like that of a woman scorned, huh? When she came back to sing Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with my lover she sounded amazing. I could have done without her bouncing so much, but what are you gonna do?

Another great moment, I thought, was Melinda singing with BeBe, and CeCe Winans. How could the producers not cash in on the backup singer taking center stage with her old employers? But it was great, and they looked so proud of her. For the first time since the show began, I thought Melinda let loose a little bit. She did not, however, lose the perpetual state of shock. But I would have looked like that too singing with Gladys Knight.

Taylor Hicks—boring. And mediocre. Carrie Underwood—not a huge fan, but she was fine last night. Ruben Studdard—I always wanted him to do better than he has. His voice still sounds like honey, and his number with Jordin was precious (again with her dress in that one too!).

But after an hour, I was ready for the show to be over. I know we were pulling out all the stops, but Bette Midler can’t even really sing (whoa, that was bad), and I could have probably done without seeing the African Boys Choir again. By the end of the show, they had run over so much that announcing the winner seemed really rushed, and anti-climactic.

So Jordin won. What a huge surprise. She deserved it over Blake. If she deserved it over some of the other contestants, I’m not so sure. I can’t comment on her performance of This Is My Now last night cause that song is just so bad I couldn’t listen again, and turned it off.

If you just can’t wait for Jordin’s album to come out, you can order her pre-Idol demo, For Now. If you just haven’t gotten enough of this season’s Idols, you can already get your tickets for the tour.

If you’re like me, you’re just happy it’s over, and hopefully we’ll never hear from some of those contestants again.

I definitely think that Blake is the weakest up there. He sounded better than he normally does, despite some really obvious pitch issues in Roxanne. I did love him singing This Love—I think it was by far his best performance of the season. But I can’t get over his really bad sense of style, and I’m getting tired of looking at that face he makes when he sings. He gets all serious, and looks like he’s trying to seduce the camera and I think it just looks… stupid. Smile, maybe. I don’t know—I’m a hater.

The girls were awesome. Jordin’s last song? My God. I got chills. I know it’s an old song, but I still nearly wept listening to her sing it. And Melinda? I’m a huge fan of old school R&B and she definitely has that vibe. She just owns every song she sings. I wasn’t super impressed with the Whitney Houston song—but the judges were, so what do I know? I just wish they had given her something more youthful because I worry she doesn’t appeal to as much of the audience as she could.

Other thoughts? I would appreciate Randy speaking less. I’m tired of the “check it out, check out, aight yo,” thing he does. And could he be a bigger name dropper? He always manages to slip in that he worked with whomever. And yeah, he’s a pretty talented producer who has worked with a lot of people, but Randy—no one really cares.

And as the weeks go on, my love of Simon gets exponentially bigger. Seriously. I love him! People think he’s mean. I think he’s honest, right on point, and extremely good looking. Yummy.

My fingers are crossed for Jordin and Melinda, but we shall see what happens tonight.

Things I pondered after the show: Who in God’s name let Blake walk out onstage in that shirt? The faux-tuxedo T-shirt thing is like what your embarrassing uncle wears to be funny. Not only would I never allow anyone I know walk out of the house (or possibly even around the living room) in one of those, but I would fire the stylist on the show for letting it happen.

Next—how many years do you need to be on air before you don’t screw up the sound, Idol crew? When the Barry Gibb medley started off you couldn’t hear anyone at all, then you could only hear Melinda, then they all just sounded really bad. Which was not necessarily the sound crew’s fault. I repeat—Worst. Idol. Ever.

Moving swiftly along to Pink being there. Even though she wasn’t there cause that song was recorded for the Idol Gives Back show. Anywho…song was OK, although I do think Pink has an amazing voice. But can I just say girl looked H.O.T. in that dress. Her body is bangin’! She’s always trucking around with her husband, sometimes looking like her thighs could suffocate you in a matter of seconds, but daaaaaamn. She looked good.

Last, but certainly not least—holy-Barry-Gibb-nipple action, Batman! I was scared. They took center stage through his not so good, nobody-really-cares-that-you-can-still-sorta-sing performance. He looks like a nice guy, but I saw way too much of him last night. Keep that at home for the wife, Mr. Gibb.

There’s debate among my crazy Idol pool about who’s going out next. We all think the finals should be Jordin and Melinda, but we wonder if Ms. Doolittle will get aced out because of Blake’s teenage fan club. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Here’s to hoping next week is better. If it’s not—I vow to not watch another season ever again.

Who do you think is gettin voted off next?

We said goodbye to two contestants last night, and I have to say, I’m a little sad. I was never a Phil fan— there was something about him that really skeeved me out—but the boy could sing. If I closed my eyes while he performed, I actually kind of liked him. His eyes are just so big, and his head is just so… shiny.

Even sadder is seeing Chris go. He may not have been the most talented one up there, but there was just something about him (perhaps it was the mega watt smile) that made him one of my favorites. In the immortal words of Randy, I think he had the “Yo Factor.” I’m surprised because, while Blake’s rendition of You Give Love a Bad Name may have been innovative, I’m in the group of people who hated it—leave a good song alone. And I’m over the fact that you can beat box. I get it.

At least Phil has more time to spend with his wife and baby, and Chris can canoodle ‘til all hours of the night with Miss LC. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more from both of them.

The beginning of the show was the best part for me—they introduce Randy and he throws up his hand like he always does. They introduce Paula, and she attempts to throw up some sort of sign that ends up in an “L” shape, which she then puts up against her forehead. Is that not the international sign for loser? Oh, Paula… my week would be so boring without more of your drunken antics. I also found it amusing that Simon was hysterical when they called his relationship with his lady “very serious.” I wonder if they had a fight about that? I would have been slightly hurt…

Jon Bon Jovi remains one of the best looking musicians ever (I really do love him and his tight pants), and while I wished the song they played had rocked a little harder, they still sound great. I guess all their songs can’t be as classic as Livin’ on a Prayer, and Dead or Alive.

The show being an hour was a little over the top for me. I watch Ryan acting befuddled on E! far too frequently. And Robin Thicke’s performance was… mediocre. He has a nice enough voice, but I think he would have been voted off if he was a contestant. And most of the time, I like him. Apparently, he’s a studio kind of guy.

It was nice to the camaraderie among the contestants—all the girls crying, and the big groups hugs. I was touched. Seriously. I really want them all to win.

And now there are four. I’m glad that Jordin gets another week to show off her talent, and I honestly never get tired of hearing Melinda sing. As for LaKisha—girl, you redeemed yourself this week, and owned that Bon Jovi song. Keep it up, and I bet Blake gets voted off next.

Who is next?