Is it a bad date? YES! And here are 11 ways you can figure that out. Some of these clues are subtle and some are not. We’ve all been on nightmare dates that you wish you could just teleport away from. But since you can’t actually call The Doctor to pick you up and teleporting won’t be invented for another, oh, let’s call it 30 years, you’ve got to figure out your emergency escape plans and put them into action the SECOND you notice any of the following:

1. He asks for a child’s menu and orders a child!
I think Charles Manson did this once. Not sure if it was pre-prison or post-incarceration.

2. He’s so excited to show you his court-ordered ankle tracker.
Run, run, run!

3. The first question he asks is “have you found Jesus yet?”
And you tell him, “no, do I look like Mel Gibson?” Seriously, we’re too old for that sh*t.

4. He keeps talking about his ex
A kiss of death. Leave the ex-file out of it until at least week, I don’t know, maybe 4, maybe never. There’s no good reason for him to literally plop the personal baggage on the bar or table on a date. Does he still have feelings for them? Why haven’t they worked out? Is it really them or was it him? Those are not questions you want to be asking yourself on a date and thus he must not, can not, should not, open that Pandora’s box.

5. He starts talking about your future kids
Pump the brakes, just a bit. Say a blessing for your birth control/go-to contraceptive device and walk away.

6. He treats the waitstaff poorly
Just no, no, no, no, no, no. As a former member of a waitstaff this is a clear indication that he’s a big ol’ douchebag. Homo-superior he ain’t.

7. He’s fiddling with his phone the WHOLE TIME
Shouldn’t he wait until the date’s over before he tweets about it? Or, sure, maybe he’s got a high pressure job that requires him to be on-call, but unless there’s a stethoscope around his neck, there’s no reason he can’t wait 90 minutes to check in with his freaking office! Or the Yankees score! Or spoilers for Doctor Who Season 7! And yes, that last one would be tough, but still, if he’s a gentlemen of the highest order…

8. He shows up drunk or high…or both
You’ve developed a sudden case of “don’t want to put myself in a position to be sexually assaulted” and have to cancel last minute. And have the cops on speed dial.

9. His point of attention is down your shirt
It’s one thing for a guy to be shy and avoid eye contact, although that’s probably a date’s death sentence too, but it’s another for him to blatantly have two points of focus and they not be your eyes but nonetheless on your…person.

10. He talks to everyone else in the place BUT you
You’re not a date, you’re an accessory. Locate the nearest exit.

11. He can only carry one topic of conversation: HIMSELF!
It’s one thing for a guy to be talkative and outgoing. It’s another to be a narcissist. A conversation’s about give and take, just like a relationship. If he’s so enamored with every facet of his being so much, just tell him that on this night, he should go f*ck himself.

There you have ‘em, ladies. 11 signs you’re on the date from Hell. Everyone has an intuitive sense of when the date’s passed that point of “no return.” I just want to bring those intuitive instincts to the surface for us all to come together on. Bad dates are like war stories. They’re terrifying torture in the moment but they’re a way we can all find common ground later. What was the worst date you’ve ever been on? How early could you tell it was a mistake to be there?

How’s it working out for you?

Dr. Dude

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]

Weren’t you supposed to explore your options? Date? Have fun in your twenties before settling down in your thirties? Now that I’ve graduated, I know exactly why she said it. Dating post-college is a major shock to the system.

I went on a date recently with a guy who I’d met at a poetry reading. I thought he might be a few years older than me and I was okay with that, but on the date it came to light that he was actually many, many years older than me, fourteen to be exact (that’s Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher territory). I figured I’d dated older men before, so I decided to give him a chance. We talked about jobs, our shared neighborhood haunts (we both lived in the East Village), and then the subject of past relationships came up and he told me about his ex.

They were pretty young when they met and were together for six years, they got a dog and when they broke up he kept it. The natural question that popped into my head was: Why didn’t you get married? Then, he dropped the bomb: they had gotten married. I’d somehow found myself on a date with Divorced Guy.

Going into a date blind (different from a blind date), with no idea how old the person is (and no hint as to their marital status), is one of the major post-college dating obstacles I’ve encountered. There’s no longer any guarantee that the person you’re having drinks with isn’t thirty-seven with an ex-wife.

Now I’ve learned ways to sneak in age-inquiring questions when chatting up a guy for the first time. My favorite is to ask what television show was their favorite when they were a kid. “Doug” is a good sign, pre-TV Land “Brady Bunch” is not.