I hate you, Jack Daniel.

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – yes, even that – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I don’t know if you’ll know this but I was wondering if you had any advice for curing a hangover? I always feel super crappy for days after a long night out and I don’t know what I can do to feel better. I drink a lot of water and try to get a lot of sleep but nothing helps!

You know bodies – do you have any ideas?

A: Oh, I hear you. We’ve all been there. Unfortunately, there is no magic home remedy (although I can tell you that hungover medical students have been known to hook themselves up to bags of IV fluid, which I’ve been told works wonders!).  To some degree, a hangover is just par for the course – one of those lessons the Universe likes to teach us to keep us out of trouble. But assuming the deed is done, what can you do to minimize your suffering? Here are a few tips:

1. If you’re conscious enough in the midst of your drinking binge, make sure to alternate your alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic ones to help your body stay hydrated in the presence of such a strong dehydrator.
2. After you’ve thrown up in the cab and rid yourself of any strays who might have followed you home, down a very large glass of Gatorade, which can help replace the electrolytes you’ve lost. If you can keep it down, chug two or three glasses.
3. Avoid caffeine. Coffee will not help sober you up. It will just make you a jittery, nervous drunk. Because it also dehydrates you, it will only worsen your hangover.
4. Although people may tell you to take two aspirin or a dose of Tylenol before you hit the hay, both can cause more harm than good. Aspirin can irritate the stomach and make you more likely to wind up praying to the porcelain gods. And Tylenol can be toxic to the liver, which is likely busy trying to break down alcohol. Try some extra B vitamins instead.
5. Sleep in.  Call in sick if you must. Your body needs rest to repair itself.
6. Forget the hair-of-the-dog advice. Unless you’re an alcoholic in the midst of withdrawing (in which case you’ve got bigger problems and need help), a little nip of alcohol in the morning is likely to just prolong the agony.  Try a virgin Bloody Mary instead.
7. Get something into your stomach in the morning, even if you don’t feel like eating. Your stomach gets pretty beat up when you’re binging, and food helps to coat it.
8. Take ibuprofen or naproxen in the morning to fight off your headache. You tummy will likely have settled down by then and can handle the medication. Take it with food so it doesn’t sit on an empty stomach.
9. Take a shower. It’s likely to perk you up and get the stink off you.
10. If you can stand it, get outside and move your body. It gets your blood flowing and provides welcome endorphins to help you fight the after-effects of too much booze.

Keep in mind that hangovers are our body’s way of responding to an overdose. Because our livers can’t keep up with the alcohol we put in, the whole body rebels. Do your body a favor and stave off hangovers the best way – prevention.

–Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Mmmm. Irish Coffee should fix this right up!

It’s no secret that much of the college social life revolves around drinking. We drink to celebrate, mourn, express loyalty to our football teams, to ease boredom, hell,  some people drink to make homework a little more interesting (no, no one else does that?).  Well, all that super fun drinking  sometimes results in not-so-fun consequences: mysterious bruises, ruined shoes, hours’ worth of un-tagging on Facebook, that dude lying next to you, and the raging, horrific hangover trying to escape your brain by splitting it open.

What’s a girl to do? Your mind jumps to Gatorade (don’t have any), Egg McMuffins (dammit, it’s past 10:30!) and water (your Brita pitcher is full of hunch punch) before remembering that bottle of Bloody Mary mix in the back of the fridge. Should you suck it up, stir in some vodka and take a hair of the dog that bit you?

Nope.

The phrase itself refers to an old school Rabies cure (literally, they would place a hair of the dog that bit you in the wound), but has evolved into the idea that if you drink a small amount of whatever got you into this hung-over state, you’ll feel better. It didn’t work for rabies, and it won’t work for your hangover.

A hangover results because of the dehydrating effect alcohol has on your body. Remember what we learned about breaking the seal? Alcohol suppresses your brain’s ability to create anti-diuretic hormones, so you lose essential water, electrolytes, salts and glucose via bathroom breaks. The morning after, your body is frantically trying to replenish all that lost hydration, resulting in fatigue, headache, nausea, etc. These symptoms get worse as your body tries to rid all alcohol from its system, leading some to believe that all this hangover nonsense could be cured by simply drinking more.

Unfortunately, more alcohol will only postpone your hangover. It might temporarily relieve some of the symptoms of a hangover (and keep you in those beer goggles until the boy actually leaves), but when it wears off your body will still have to recover, only now it your liver has extra toxins to break down and remove. So in the end, your headache and nausea will probably be worsened by more alcohol, definitely not relieved.

The best cure for a hangover (besides, you know, not drinking in the first place) is to drink plenty of water to fight dehydration, some Gatorade or Powerade to replace electrolytes, lots of rest, and at least 4 hours worth of mind numbing TV, preferably Real Housewives or True Hollywood Stories, but whatever’s on VH1 will do in a pinch.

Upon arriving on campus we immediately headed to lunch where we began our meal with a Bloody Mary and some Mojitos. It was at that moment that I realized our leisurely Saturday afternoon was going to be anything but.

The combination of the rum pumping through my veins and my excitement at being back on campus got me feeling all nostalgic. I missed campus, I missed my friends, and, most of all, I missed getting completely sh*tcanned before a football game.

So we followed our hearts and decided to do it up college style.

I chugged Franzia with some frat boys (“BABIES! You can’t chug for your life!”), downed Boones Farm with my friends – and that was before we even left the lawn. I had a 40 on my way to the game, which I shared with some random band playing on a porch that belonged to people I did not know. And I sang bad 80’s songs into the mic.

I heckled people on my way to the game, took a swig from some random kid’s flask and stole a hot dog from the stand right outside of the stadium. We eventually made it to the game and as I sat in the hot sun watching my team lose (which wasn’t painful enough already), I patiently awaited the hangover from hell.

But the hangover never came! So, naturally, my friend and I decided to keep going. We stopped for some much needed pizza and nachos, picked up some more Boones and headed out for round 2 (in our sweaty game day clothes).

I drank more college kids under the table (a fact I am quite proud of) and even busted out my killer dance moves. I was feeling great. “I STILL GOT IT!” I screamed to anyone who would listen.

But now it is Monday. And I can’t get out of bed. In fact, I have only gotten up twice since returning from my College Day in Ann Arbor and that was to puke and to hydrate. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My liver hurts.

Staring at the ceiling while a little man in my head hammers away on my skull I have come to a realization: I don’t still got “it,” unless “it” is a massive hangover.

I may be good at some things, but drinking like a college kid is not one of them. I tip my hat to you, college ladies. Enjoy your last night of Welcome Week and be sure to drink some boxed wine for me. I’ll be here watching 90210 reruns on Soap Net and willing myself out of bed.