I’ve got to be honest…I hate giving oral sex. If I’m going to be sticking a massive sausage down my throat, it better at least be edible.  (And no, unless the stuff that comes out is BBQ sauce, it doesn’t count). But just because I don’t like it, doesn’t mean I haven’t done it before. If the guy loves it and I love the guy, well then, consider it me giving him a gift each time. Otherwise, dude, my hand or your hand works just fine! Or if my guy and I are already having sex, let’s just get straight to that instead. Nevertheless, oral sex has become a part of our sexual culture and it seems to be the norm and at times, precursor to sex. So for those of you who have given oral and made up your mind about it, you’ve got your own opinions on the etiquette of giving oral sex. That said, here are mine:

• Yes, you may play with my hair or lightly caress my head, but if you push my head down hard towards your package (gently is fine, that way I know I’m doing a good job…but if it’s an aggressive push…) that’ll be the end. As said before, I’m giving you something, don’t get carried away now.
• If it lasts longer than five minutes, be a doll and just let me stop. Please. Five minutes is way too long to have something jab at my throat repeatedly.
• Don’t be offended if I spit. Let’s be real here, if his man-juices tasted like a strawberry-banana smoothie, things would be different. Spits or swallows baby, it’s the ladies choice.
• If both partners are performing oral, let the guy give it first. It’ll make him more aroused and that way he won’t get impatient with you later.
• If you can, please groom properly so that the skin surrounding my mouth isn’t raw by the time I’m done. Likewise for the ladies on this one.
• Kissing after oral? Depends on how I feel about the guy. If I’m in love, I’m all for it. If not, let’s stick to kissing everywhere but there.
• For the guy, if you insist on finishing somewhere other than my mouth (he’s a keeper), my bed sheets are not an option. Grab a small towel or use your boxers.
• Please have showered at some point during the day. Thank you.
• Please let your partner know if you’ve got an STD in advance. Like, waaay in advance.

I know a lot of girls out there feel empowered when they’re giving oral sex, but I’m not one of those girls. I am not going to deny a dude of it if we’re at that stage in our relationship and he really likes it, but at the same time, if I knew a guy I was seeing hated going down on someone, I definitely wouldn’t push it. It’s simply a matter of respect for me.

Alright readers out there, I just gave oral sex a piece of my mind, so feel free to let me know what’s on yours with this topic. Be easy on me now, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.

And to see what He Says about oral sex etiquette (we really can’t wait), head on over to COED Magazine.

So what exactly is your definition of hooking up? Could it mean a little bumpin’ and grindin’ followed by a sloppy make-out sesh? Does it mean crawling into a cab with a guy, knowing good and well that you’re going to “get your kicks” (thanks Rizzo from Grease for that one) later that night? Or does it mean bypassing first and getting right to second base?

Since I was given this topic of discussion, I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and one in my Human Sexuality class about how to properly define hooking up. While my friends (guys and girls) define hooking up as anything from kissing to sex, my professor seemed to think hooking up can only mean one thing: doin’ it.

As I continued to contemplate the subject, I decided to hit up the trusty UrbanDictionary.com to find out what the world is thinking. The first comment, with nearly 2,500 “likes,” said, “An incredibly ambiguous phrase that drives me absolutely insane when people use it.” Yep, sounds about right! That got me thinking that people will say it so that it is ambiguous. As in, people will use the word “hookup” so that the person they’re talking to thinks they did more than they actually did. And unless you’re bff with the person discussing their hookup, I highly doubt you’re going to ask, “So by hookup do you mean you sucked face (or something else) or rolled around the sheets together?” …See what I mean?

I am one of those people that defines a hookup as sex, “hitting a home run,” doing the dirty, whatever you may call it. So where do those other possible meanings behind hooking up fit in? See below.

Making out — It is what it is. Kissing, a good ‘ole boob grab here and there and maybe a nice over-the-shorts rub down. Why not describe your kiss-fest as a simple make-out and put our imaginations to rest?

Messing around — Whether you’re getting “handsy” or testing out that Cosmo blow-job tip, messing around means that big leap after making out. Bra dropping to the floor, his sexy Calvin’s flying across the room and suddenly things are really hot and heavy but stop before the big bang.

Hooking up, aka “The Sex” – Go ahead and hang your “Do Not Disturb” sign (or a sock if that’s more your style) on the door handle because this is what I call an official hookup.

It seems this topic has an array of meanings depending on how you prefer to phrase your sexy-time. If you want to see what He Says on the matter, check out COEDMagazine!

What’s your take on hooking up? Do you agree or disagree with me? Let me know!

Hey Dude,

I recently (as in a few days ago) had sex for the first time, with the guy that I am dating. It really hurt, but he was patient with me. Round two the next morning felt better, but still hurt a bit.

But that’s not my problem. What’s kinda worrying me is that he’s so quiet during sex, and during foreplay. Even when I go down on him!

It’s not what I was expecting, his breathing doesn’t seem to get heavier during the deed, unless he’s just about to come. I’m not expecting him to be moaning at the top of his lungs or anything, but a bit of feedback would certainly help me to know that I’m getting the hang of things. And considering he said I’m really good at going down on him, is it fair to expect some noise?

I’m trying to make sure we tell each other what we want and what we’re willing to do, because I think that’s really important (and if there’s anything College Candy blogs have taught me, its that communication with your partner makes things easier and better). So I tried to talk to him about it in a light-hearted way, telling him its okay to make a bit of noise and that no one’s going to hear him (I live in a shared house with friends), and that I find it hot when guys lose a bit of control and let go, and he just said he’s a quiet guy and pretty much dropped the subject.

So, does it sound like its him, or me?? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but as this is all new to me I don’t want to feel insecure either. How can I approach this subject (again) with him?

Sincerely,

Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Some are quiet, some are loud, some are scared, and some are proud. Some are smart and some are dumb, but there’s no need to worry if he’ll always cum!

The proof’s in the “pudding.” You get him off, regularly, the sex part of your relationship is progressing, and you’ve kept the lines of communicado openado. Now you have to believe that it’s really not you.

If he didn’t splooge then, yeah, that’s a physical sign that might be traced to your technique (or to his own fear of his orgasm). But he does. And he comes back for more. You’ve gone about this is in a really healthy way it sounds like. Now STOP!

Look, most people like approval. We all enjoy positive feedback and like to know that we’re giving as good as we’re getting (or even being better at it). If he says that he’s just the quiet type and you’ve been able to trust him up to now, then there’s no reason to doubt. You’re thinking in terms of “supposed to” and that’s where self-sabotage or unrealistic expectations can start to grow. You’re not doing that yet but you’re starting to tip-toe into that territory.

I won’t lie to you. There are some guys who grin and bear it when it comes to blowjobs. Unfortunately, not all men are satisfied with how their gals perform the operation. And they’re too scared to say anything. Usually, they’re too scared because they don’t trust their partner to handle it, they want to protect them, etc. From what it sounds like though, you guys are pretty open with each other and are comfortable talking turkey (sex turkey?) so I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Worst case scenario, see if he’d be open for a polygraph?

Seriously, though, if you take him past the boiling point then that’s a pretty good indicator he likes what you’re doing. I mean, do you have too many complaints from him when he gets you off all the time?

Don’t sweat. Don’t overanalyze. Let it go and let it flow and most of all: have fun with each other.

“Finish him!”

The Dude

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Once upon a time, I was a very sheltered girl. Sex was the ultimate taboo – I thought it was dangerous, dirty, and I failed to understand how anyone could derive pleasure from it. In high school, when my friends started engaging in sexy time, their less than positive reviews of their experiences didn’t make sex sound any more appealing. It wasn’t until I got to college, and started meeting more experienced, sex-positive, empowered ladies that I started to cultivate a more positive view of sexuality. And when I finally started having sex with an incredibly sensitive man, I confirmed that a lot of my fear of sex was based on fallacies and lies.

Without further ado, here are some of my most misguided thoughts.

10. Tummy fat is kryptonite for guys.
I used to be absolutely terrified of getting naked in front of a guy. In fact, I actually lost my virginity while wearing a dress. I thought a dude would catch one glance of my layer of chub and totally lose interest. In reality, most guys are not that douchey, and when they’re that close to sticking their goods into your mouth and/or vag, trust – they think you’re the sexiest woman in the world this side of Megan Fox.

9. Small penis = no pleasure.
The average depth of a vagina is 6 inches. The average length of a penis is 5 inches. More than likely, whatever he’s packing is more than sufficient. But even if it’s not, whatever – a finger feels good, and the odds of encountering a penis any smaller than that is highly unlikely.

8. Liking rough sex means you have no self-respect.
I totally bought into the idea that a woman allowing a man to dominate her in bed was letting herself be degraded…and then I actually started playing with dominant/submissive role play, and it is the complete antithesis of degrading. As a consenting adult woman, creating a fantasy world with someone I trust, role play is incredibly empowering.

7. Condoms are uncomfortable.
I knew before I started having sex that I would always expect dude to wear a condom, as hormonal birth control is not an option for me. But I was expecting condoms to be instruments of evil. I mean, who hasn’t heard horror stories of condoms constantly breaking or condoms getting lost somewhere in the vag. But in my experience, condoms get an unnecessarily bad rap. As long as they’re put on properly, and smothered in lube, things should be fine. Sure, you may have to experiment with different ones to find one that is perfect for the guy and for you, but being baby and disease free is worth the extra work.

6. Having sex “too soon” ruins any chance of a relationship.
So…full disclosure – I had sex with a guy less than a week after I first met him. We’re now approaching our one year anniversary. I know a lot of you are side-eyeing me, thinking that my situation is an anomaly, and yes, I’ll acknowledge that there are tons of guys who wouldn’t consider me “girlfriend material”…but they’re clearly misogynistic jerks, so their opinion is very much null, void, and completely irrelevant to any self-respecting woman’s interests. If a guy truly likes you, he will have complete respect for you whether you sleep wi

5. You don’t have to work to have good sex
I thought sex was based solely on chemistry, and if the sex wasn’t immediately mind-blowing, it wasn’t meant to be. However, I’ve learned that’s an incredibly narrow-minded view. Okay, maybe if you encounter a guy who, like, doesn’t know he has to be hard to enter you (yes, this has happened to someone I know), it should be on to the next. Open communication is absolutely essential to have a dynamic, exciting sex life. If you can’t talk to someone about your fantasies or your needs, you really don’t need to be getting intimate with them.

4. Blow jobs are icky
Oh, yes. I was one of those girls. The idea of sticking a penis in my mouth used to elicit a strong hell to the no from me. I was afraid of the taste, of the smell, if I would be good at it, etc. Blow jobs are not rocket science (and a good guy is more than willing to give you constructive feedback to improve your performance). And as long as he showers regularly, you shouldn’t be gagging with disgust while down there.

3. Guys always want sex
I thought I would constantly be in these awkward situations where all I wanted to do was kiss and cuddle while a dude would be dying to go further. And, yes, of course I’ve encountered the douchebag who didn’t want to take no for an answer, but most mature guys value a mutually enjoyable, consensual experience, and if you encounter one who doesn’t, then it’s on to the next.

2. Good sex always ends in orgasm
I think there is far too much emphasis on orgasms. In my experience, orgasms are more like sprinkles on a chocolate frosted chocolate cupcake – a delightful little extra treat, but far from necessary.

1. Sex isn’t fun
Oh my god, sex is awesome. While I wouldn’t call myself a sex addict, my ideal weekend with my boo definitely involves a few rounds of horizontal tango. Three years ago, though? I would have balked at the idea that sex was anything more than an arduous chore, something that I would only do because I didn’t want to be seen as “damaged goods.” And while I would never condone having sex before you’re ready, it’s really important to have a clear perspective of what sex actually is like before you decide to have it or not have it.

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Are you looking to invite that hot guy over for a sexy sleepover?  Make sure your oral technique blows his mind so he comes back for seconds and thirds.  After all, studies show that sex makes you smarter.

Or perhaps your relationship has hit a rut.  What happens when you want it all the time and he wants it…not so much?  Make sure you make the most of sexy time by making it feel better for you (some solo experimentation required).  If you’re shedding tears of pain instead of joy after the dismount, see what the sexperts have to say.  Maybe you should give up the hunt for the elusive G-Spot and focus on finding your PS-Spot instead.

To me, Glamour was elegant. It was sophisticated. It was legitimately cosmopolitan. They only featured 68 ways to please your man, in stark contrast to Cosmo’s 168, and I’ve always valued succinctness. Their cover ladies were more erudite and high-class than the typical B-listers that graced Cosmo’s covers. It took a fairly ridiculous amount of time to realize that Glamour’s articles can be just as tacky and misguided and silly as Cosmo’s.

For example, take this month’s article “What No One Ever Admits About Marriage.” Apparently, once you commit to infinite monogamy (but let’s be real, in this day of age, that means, like, 5 years, tops), all conceptualizations of open communication go out the window, and it’s like you’ve entered Fight Club. Thankfully, Glamour decided to uncover

Glamour secret: Once your BFF gets married, “the relationship confessions stop. Forget TMI, she won’t even give you ‘I.’”
Jasmine says: There are married ladies on my Facebook feed who I haven’t seen since Nick Lachey was relevant (post-split with Jessica Simpson), and yet I am beyond intimately familiar with the minutiae of their domesticated bliss. In this era of blogs, Twitter, and Facebook statuses, I don’t think there is such a thing as a “private life.” Especially in regards to your BFF. If she suddenly shuts down relationship talk, that’s what a Sunday brunch loaded with mimosas is for.

Glamour secret: “I have a habit of hiding money from my husband…I treat myself to massages, facials, lunches – basically anything that doesn’t come in a shopping bag that I’d have to explain.”
Jasmine says: Wait, what? Okay, I totally understand not wanting to surrender total control of one’s finances to one’s husband, especially if you’re a Miss Independent who makes her own dough. However, I’m going to need the husband to be aware of, and accept the fact that their wife loves to shop. If a woman is able to support her shopping without running up a zillion dollars in debt, she should be able to do so shamelessly and without fear of judgment from her husband. Unless she’s ordering from JWoww’s clothing line. In which case, that deserves to be on lockdown.

Glamour secret: “My man is not the most motivated guy in the world so I bribe him to do things around the house by giving him blow jobs.”
Jasmine says: Oh. Let me make a mental of note of that. I like it.

Glamour secret: “My husband and I shower together a lot…but when we’re in there, I almost always pee.”
Jasmine says: How rude! No, but seriously, one-sided watersport action is pretty shady. Or, potentially limiting. Who knows, he might actually enjoy a golden shower?

Honestly, I don’t know if this list is typical of marriages or not, if it makes me want to get married or not, or how I really feel about anyone peeing in the shower. I just know it’s all sorta ridiculous.

I’ve become the one that everyone else comes to for advice or when they have an awkward relationship/sex questions.

Case in point: Last week I was at the gym with my friend who is one of the sweetest, most innocent girls you could meet. We were jogging around the track just doin’ our thing when she asked me if she could ask a bit of an embarrassing question. “Of course,” I huffed, not knowing what to expect. Especially knowing what came next.

“What’s giving a blow job like?”

I couldn’t believe one of my best friends, especially her, was asking me such a blunt question! On the track! But I realized that it took a lot for her to ask me that and that she must really value my opinion (considering I’ve never even heard her use that term before!), so I gave her the best description I could and answered all of her related questions. Quietly, of course, there were other people running around us.

Having a serious relationship has turned me into the go-to girl for my friends with relationship questions. They have told me that they know I’ve been through a lot and they value my advice. And I have to admit, giving out relationship advice is kind of fun! I like being the all-knowing sage and helping people who may not be where I am with Matt. It’s my unique way of contributing to the group when they’re all sharing stories and that I can no longer relate to. It makes me feel wanted and connected to a group that I sometimes worry I’m growing apart from.

And it’s not just the girl’s asking, either; my guy friends have been asking me everything from “I have two girls interested in me, what do I do?” to “what should I get my girlfriend for our anniversary?” I’m not saying that I have all the answers when it comes to dating and relationships (far from it), but it seems like having a serious boyfriend makes me the most qualified adviser of the group and everyone’s stopping by my office for a little insight.

And I love it. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to deal with the fact that I live a very different life than my single friends, but I’m learning that there are some perks to being the mom of the group.  It’s nice knowing that people think you’re doing something right. It’s nice to be trusted. And it’s really nice to be the first person think of when they need a little help.

Either that is a typo or this town has a much different view on news-worthy stories than the rest of us.