As a semi-live-in girlfriend, I encounter all kinds of things in my boyfriend’s boudoir that he might have previously attempted to put away or hide to create a more presentable version of himself. Well those days are long gone and I am now subject to every dirty pair of boxers, week old Taco Bell leftover and wet, mildewed towel left on the bed. But these things I’m pretty much immune to. Guys’ rooms are almost by definition a hell of a lot dirtier than girls (at least I like to pretend) and all of these little things can be fixed with a load of laundry, a huge garbage bag and a little Febreeze.

But what are the kinds of things that you would never want to find in your guy’s room? Besides the very obvious (unrecognizable panties, bras, earrings, condom wrappers) I can name a few…

1. Super Creepy Porn.

You can pretty much accept the fact that there will be some form of porn in your guy’s room at some point. You can also be fairly sure that you will accidentally intercept said pornography via mail, browser history or that shoebox under his bed. (Tip: boys don’t want you to surprise them with spring cleaning; you probably shouldn’t want to surprise them with it either.) No big deal, I say, come to terms with the fact that while your guy absolutely loves hooking up with you, he will still want to look at porn. It’s just a different outlet for their sexuality and can actually improve your sex life when seen from the right perspective. Additionally, it’s a good substitute for when your boyfriend wants to get it on (always) and you don’t (rarely, but it happens). If there were no porn there would be an abnormally high amount of blue balls or of extremely exhausted girlfriends. Read More »

Let’s just cut to it – sixteen people are left in that bed.

Their challenge for the day is a biathlon and with that, I am over the whole Tila’s bi thing and it’s only episode three. Tila looks bored as she announces that it’s boys versus girls. What do pearl necklaces and blue balls have to do with biathlons? Oh.

This challenge makes me wonder why I never had a slip n slide when I was a kid. “I cruised through it until I got to the blue balls; then it all fell apart for me…that was my downfall, the blue balls.” Isn’t that how it always happens, Ryan?

Do they all share a wet suit? Chad is last and he too struggles with blue balls. Why do they call Jersey Lisa/Toni from Paradise Hotel lookalike Rizzo? I like her. I might like-her like her. Oh, and she wins it for the girls. Aw, Chad, I heart you even though you lost.

The girls win a date. Which consists of the girls – going to school. They are dressed in terrible school girl uniforms and Tila’s going to teach them – what? How to make a Myspace page? Read More »

After talking to a boy for a few days – and by talking I mean winning over with my amazing sense of humor and cleavage baring shirts– I finally got invited over to his place to watch a movie. Clearly, I wanted some snuggle action on the couch so I threw on some sweats (the cute/tight ones, obvi), grabbed a bottle of wine and headed over there.

The night was great. We watched the movie, drank some wine and did some serious snuggling. Never one to make the first move, I flirted mercilessly but waited for said boy to lay one on me.

And boy did he.

By the time it happened, however, I was so ready to go (because he was looking goooood in his sweats) that things moved pretty quickly. One minute we are sitting up and watching TV; the next we are rolling around the floor. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself and got really lost in the heat. The moment.

Until we knocked a candle off the table and were forced (by fear of burning) to take a break.

The moment to breathe allowed me to think about what I was doing with my head instead of my….well, you know.

I immediately realized that things were progressing too fast and I had to leave before a walk of shame was to be had. Not that I minded the walk of shame – after all, I had done them before – but because I actually liked this kid and wanted something to come of it. Read More »