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[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, Is there something better out there?!) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,

So I kind of have this thing where I don’t like to sleep with guys unless I’m in a relationship. Let me preface this by saying I have no problem messing around and hooking up, making out, and so on, with random guys until a relationship comes into the picture. Here’s my problem: after 5 or 10 minutes of hooking up I always end up just bailing on the guy and making some lame excuse to leave. I can’t tell whether or not it’s me just being bored of kissing and frustrated that I wont be having sex, or me being insecure that all he really wants to do is have sex and I know I won’t be giving that to him so what’s the point of continuing to make out? Won’t it just bore him or be a tease?

Is it wrong for me to assume that the guy is only interested in sex and wants me to do more than kissing? What should I do? Should I just stick it out and make out for half an hour or am I just being a tease? Any tips?

–Frustrated with Foreplay

Dear Frustrated with Foreplay,

In the immortal words of Cher, spoken after slapping Nicolas Cage (if only she had done it 10,000 more times since): “Snap out of it!”

Of course the guy wants to do more than just make out. When you’re heating up the couch with a game of tonsil hockey then one or both of you will want to see how far you can go. If you see making out as the only item on the agenda and don’t want to blue ball him or yourself (whatever the female equivalent for blue ball is, little terminology help, ladies?) then stopping is appropriate.

Teasing is a sticky area with a lot of guys. We hate it. We really hate it. Like, Israeli-Palestinian, Yankees-Red Sox, Blair-Georgina hate.  We’d rather have swollen testicles from a David Beckham punt. What you’re doing isn’t really teasing. In fact, it’s merciful compared to some.  If you had your hand down his pants and decided mid-stroke that you needed to go home and feed your cat that would be teasing. Saying goodnight after a few minutes of lip locking is reasonable.

Making out is like trying a sample. You want to see if you’re sexually compatible. If you are and you feel comfortable rounding the bases then swing away. On the other hand, if you like what you’re getting but want to take it slower, then stopping things before they go too far is better for all involved. Of course he could be licking your teeth or trying to swallow your tongue in which case running for the hills sounds appropriate.

There’s no shame in saying no. If you’re scared the guy won’t like you because you won’t go further then maybe that’s a sign he isn’t someone you should go further with. If he’s worth a shot in the sack then he’ll be patient and do the work. Will he be disappointed? Sure. But hey, that’s why there’s porn (and thanks to the internet, FREE porn). So unless he’s blind and handless, calling it early before either one of you gets too hot and bothered to avoid making regrettable decisions sounds pretty sensible to me.

My tip? Go with your gut. When you feel like putting your shirt back on and saving the best for later, do it. On the other end of the spectrum, if the timing feels right and there’s some insurance handy (aka contraception) then go for it! Just be considerate and say goodnight before he gets you off if there’s no plan to return the favor. Because that would be teasing.

XOXO,

Gossip Dude

But what are the kinds of things that you would never want to find in your guy’s room? Besides the very obvious (unrecognizable panties, bras, earrings, condom wrappers) I can name a few…

1. Super Creepy Porn.

You can pretty much accept the fact that there will be some form of porn in your guy’s room at some point. You can also be fairly sure that you will accidentally intercept said pornography via mail, browser history or that shoebox under his bed. (Tip: boys don’t want you to surprise them with spring cleaning; you probably shouldn’t want to surprise them with it either.) No big deal, I say, come to terms with the fact that while your guy absolutely loves hooking up with you, he will still want to look at porn. It’s just a different outlet for their sexuality and can actually improve your sex life when seen from the right perspective. Additionally, it’s a good substitute for when your boyfriend wants to get it on (always) and you don’t (rarely, but it happens). If there were no porn there would be an abnormally high amount of blue balls or of extremely exhausted girlfriends.

All the benefits of porn aside, though, there are some types you don’t want to find. I’m not even talking about anal, little people or ridiculously oversized toys (all pretty normal in porn-world.) I’m talking animals. I’m talking leprechaun-on mermaid-on Easter bunny 3-ways. I’m talking about really flattering pictures of you superimposed over the faces of “interacting” nuns (definitely not real Catholics). Unless your man has previously shared his kink-tastic ways with you, skeevy porn is definitely something you do not want to find in your man’s room…unless you’re into it…

2. Bloody Clothes.

You’d think this would be a pretty huge red flag, but there are plenty of excuses as to why your man might have bloody clothes in his room. Perhaps he is an outdoorsman who enjoys slaughtering deer on weekends. Maybe he was building you a birdhouse and things went seriously wrong with the electrical sander. Or, for those of use with the more typical college boyfriend, he was drunk and tripped on/punched/tried to cartwheel over something and got hurt doing it. All of those reasons aside, should you find a duffel bag with a black turtleneck, jogging pants, ski mask and/or machete covered in blood, run for the hills, girl.

3. A Shrine-Like Gathering of Your Personal Items.

Remember Helga from “Hey! Arnold”? Yea, the crazy blonde who built a very realistic rendition of Arnold out of his used gum. Well you just found a creepily similar statue tucked behind your man’s winter coats. It’s a great complement to the ring of scented votives in a circle around the pair of panties you wore the first time you two hooked up (you knew they went missing…), a suspiciously your-hair-colored hairball, pictures of you undressing that look like they were taken from a distance and old love letters…to your ex-boyfriends, dating back to Aaron from 4th grade. I can’t see how this would be construed as flattering, so don’t even let that thought enter your head, ladies – Noah built Allie a house, not a shrine. Hint: if you find this in his closet, I’d start looking around for the bloody clothes, just to be sure…

4. His “Meds.”

If one day you are innocently on the hunt for some ibuprofen and you find his prescription for anti-psychosis meds, it’s probably not a great sign. If you continue to look for more pills that he neglected to tell you he was on and find a cocktail of Xanax, Percocets, Valtrex and Penicillin it’s definitely a bad sign. Either homeboy has some serious dirt to spill about his last few check-ups, or you might just be dating a drug dealer. Either way, not disclosing certain ailments he has (STD’s, mental disorders, the usual) is a serious breach of trust and needs to be dealt with right away. My suggestion is to call the cops on his RX-happy ass or, if you’re into illegal activity and desperately in need of Spring Break funds, swipe ‘em and ask your most trusted sketchy friend where a gal goes about selling these kinds of things.

5. His other phone.

We all know that going through a loved one’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy and can often end in a breakup (as opposed to going through a stranger’s phone that you found at Happy Hour before returning it to them, which can often end in hilarity.) But let’s say you’re just lounging around one morning that you skipped class, watching some Ellen while your honey picks up bagels for some breakfast in bed. You hear a strange humming, it’s not your phone, and you check his charger—nope, not his phone either. But this vibration is pretty persistent, almost as persistent as an ex-girlfriend trying to get in touch with your boyfriend…

With this hunch, you get up to investigate, put Ellen on mute, and walk around the room listening for the bzzzz. You slowly open his sock drawer, where a mysterious blue light is glowing from the dress sock section (ok he probably doesn’t have his socks categorized, but you get it). You pick up a phone that you’ve never seen before. Michelle Great Rack is calling. You answer, presumably to help this Michelle put her great rack to use with whoever this phone really belongs to, only to have her coo your boyfriend’s name in a very phone-sex inducing voice. After explaining to Michelle that she and her rack have been aiding a cheating lying scumbag, you sift through dirty texts, inappropriate pictures, and AIM conversations so smooth your soon to be ex could be in a shaving cream commercial. You forward a few choice messages to your guy’s “legit” phone before calling him and telling him what you found in his room.

What would make you run screaming from your man’s apartment? Have you ever found any of the above items? Did you stick around long enough to tell him why you won’t be sleeping over anymore?

Their challenge for the day is a biathlon and with that, I am over the whole Tila’s bi thing and it’s only episode three. Tila looks bored as she announces that it’s boys versus girls. What do pearl necklaces and blue balls have to do with biathlons? Oh.

This challenge makes me wonder why I never had a slip n slide when I was a kid. “I cruised through it until I got to the blue balls; then it all fell apart for me…that was my downfall, the blue balls.” Isn’t that how it always happens, Ryan?

Do they all share a wet suit? Chad is last and he too struggles with blue balls. Why do they call Jersey Lisa/Toni from Paradise Hotel lookalike Rizzo? I like her. I might like-her like her. Oh, and she wins it for the girls. Aw, Chad, I heart you even though you lost.

The girls win a date. Which consists of the girls – going to school. They are dressed in terrible school girl uniforms and Tila’s going to teach them – what? How to make a Myspace page?

They all have to write “I CAN…something, something, pig’s vagina.” Uh, can anyone actually eat a pig’s vagina and not poison themselves? Do me a favor, all of you – never do a google image search for pig’s vagina. Please. Looks worse than what was on the plate. I kind of wanna die. Like I could vomit in my lap. HOW the eff can Tila be disappointed that people can’t tolerate eating an animal’s genitals? This is the most engaged she’s been since the start of this season.

Lisa won again. Puke on Tila now cuz she deserves it. Wait – Lisa picked Dominic to come on the date? I don’t know how that went down because my stomach is trying to punch its way out of my throat.

Lisa kisses Tila during their date and normally I’d say Ew, but Tila deserves to have some pig vagina in her mouth. Tila tells some fake story about how she first knew that she liked girls. Dominic tells Tila that he thinks that bisexuality is a phase and he just got himself kicked off right there.

Eliminations! Goody. Two girls and two guys are going home. Even better.

It comes down to Ryan, Bo and Dominic for the guys. She keeps Bo and his cheesy white belt.

For the girls, the last ones standing are V, Samantha/Glitter/Pole Ridder, and Lauren – she keeps Pole Rider.

Everyone takes their stupid shot and why do I feel like there’s water in those shot glasses?

Next time: Breasts, booze, boys fighting and Glitter cries some more.

The night was great. We watched the movie, drank some wine and did some serious snuggling. Never one to make the first move, I flirted mercilessly but waited for said boy to lay one on me.

And boy did he.

By the time it happened, however, I was so ready to go (because he was looking goooood in his sweats) that things moved pretty quickly. One minute we are sitting up and watching TV; the next we are rolling around the floor. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself and got really lost in the heat. The moment.

Until we knocked a candle off the table and were forced (by fear of burning) to take a break.

The moment to breathe allowed me to think about what I was doing with my head instead of my….well, you know.

I immediately realized that things were progressing too fast and I had to leave before a walk of shame was to be had. Not that I minded the walk of shame – after all, I had done them before – but because I actually liked this kid and wanted something to come of it.

I told the boy that I had to go. He was sweet and understanding, but he also seemed a little…heated up? Ready to go? Um…aroused? I didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, I was leaving specifically to avoid having to take care of that situation (if you know what I mean). But at the same time, I didn’t want to leave this poor boy in pain.

I was really torn inside. I know it sounds lame, but the last thing you want to do to a boy you like is give him blue balls. He was sweet and never pressured me to stay, but I am Jewish and feeling guilty about things is just part of who I am.

As soon as I got home I did a little research on the validity of blue balls. Yes, I know I am crazy. Anyways, here is a little information that all girls should know (so you don’t feel/get pressured to do things you don’t want to do just because Mr. Happy Pants is asking you to):

Blue Balls are real. But, they also tend to be exaggerated. When men are aroused, a lot of blood flows to the penis. This is most often remedied by an orgasm. However, if an orgasm is not reached, there will be discomfort – usually for a very short period of time. Yes, reaching orgasm will make this situation go away faster, but is not always necessary.

So I shouldn’t feel so guilty after all.

In fact, he already called to ask me out again.