My dearest Cosmo has always had a special affinity for body language analysis (I think they’ve done Speidi like 6 times). Now they’re taking it to the next level and making it all easy, convenient and user-friendly for you!

Cosmo understands the trials and tribulations of dating, especially when we need to figure out the bizarre and complex behavior of the male species.

Finally fed up with trying to decipher a guy’s body language to decide what he’s really trying to say (as opposed to, ya know, listening to him), Cosmo has provided the ultimate guide to date night body language. And, naturally, they made convenient tear-out cards (because your date totes won’t notice you squinting to read them under the table).

Cosmo Says: If he holds his beer loosely by the neck, it means he’s confident–but cocky, “it gives off the vibe that he’s too cool to be concerned with the risk of dropping his Bud.”
Kari Says: Hm, I’d never thought of it that way. Then again I’ve never really taken the time to study a hot guy’s precise style of drink-holding (I’m usually too busy checking out his hair, eyes, smile, biceps, etc). This particular method of holding a beer tells me he doesn’t want his hand to be all clammy and gross should he need to shake hands – not that he’s necessarily a douche bag. For that tip off I would look for a guy clutching his Jaeger bomb tightly so he won’t drop it while he’s fist pumping. Just sayin’…

Cosmo Says: If he pushes his drink onto your side of the table, he’s subconsciously trying to bond.
Kari Says: Alright, I’m down with a little bit of bonding. I just hope he doesn’t change his mind after I proceed to drink whatever he’s sliding toward me. My interpretation of anyone moving alcohol within closer proximity of me is that I should drink it – quickly. But maybe I just play flip cup too often.

Cosmo Says: If a guy licks his lips, he’s trying to wipe a lie off of them.
Kari Says: First of all, this sounds like it could be stitched onto a pillow somewhere in my Gramma’s house.   Second of all, I have heard the lip-licking lie detector test before (Lie to Me is one of my new fave shows), so this interpretation may have merit. But what if he’s just thirsty? Or in dire need of some Chapstick? What if he’s thinking about other things he’d like to lick later? All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be so fast to jump to conclusions about the nature of such a sexy move (when done correctly, of course – otherwise it’s just creepy). Read More »

We’re growing up in a weird, hook-up focused culture where the term “dating” is more undefinable than Lindsay Lohan’s sexuality. When a guy is chatting you up at a party or a bar, one would think it’s safe to assume he’s interested in you. But in the world of flirtation and intoxication, the intentions are as fuzzy as your legs in the winter.

How can you tell if the person you’re talking to is actually interested in you, or just interested in an interchangeable sex buddy to use later that night? You’re too special to be referred to as “hot girl with the big rack,” so learn how to tell which guys are genuinely interested, and which guys are playing their odds with every girl in the room.

So how do you know if the guy hitting on you thinks you’re extra sexy or used the same opener and closer on a chick three feet away from you?

Unless you possess the super human ability to actually read men’s actions, it can be a tricky feat. But one sure fire way to discern whether he is talking to you or to your breasts is to try and assess the quality of conversation. It’s understandable that after a couple shots of Jack you’re not going to be discussing the impact of gender on social roles in Sri Lanka, but are the only words coming out of his mouth, “Oh baby you look like such a good kisser”? If he’s legitimately trying to get to know you, you should be able to recount 3 interesting facts he’s told you about himself, and 3 interesting facts he’s asked you about yourself. (“What color are your panties?” does NOT count). Read More »

Okay, so when we heard Heidi Montag was set to perform at the Miss Universe pageant we all stifled a snicker. We understand it’s a recession, but Miss Universe must have greatly lacked in sponsorship this year if the best they could do was a talentless reality star who’s only famous in the first place because she married the most obnoxious man on the planet (or maybe it’s because he has mastered the art of growing a goatee made purely of pubic hair?)

Anyway, none of us expected much except a good laugh, which we definitely got, right from the introduction by Claudia Jordan, where she said basically all there was to say about the performer: “She’s a celebrity, get her out here!”

Ohhhh, and then it got good.

Before we rip her apart, we’ll give Heidi the benefit of the doubt and let her have the stamp of approval for hair and makeup. Her face looked flawless and she had the smoky eye mastered. We always love her loose curls, and did even more so last night as they covered the fact that her lips weren’t moving at all. (Honestly, if the song sucks pre-recorded, might as well save yourself some criticism and at least suck live.) The abs and perfectly perky boobs can stay too.

But everything else HAS to go. Read More »

Celebs dealing with the Lambert loss.

What does Brad and Angie’s body language say?

Nike’s version of the gladiator sandal.

Sex sells. Here’s why we buy.

Blake Lively takes a vacay.

Tips for dealing with those under-eye circles.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which D-List celebrity is more annoying, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between none other than our two favoritest of celeretards: Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag. Who will take the d-bag cake? It’s a really difficult decision to make, so let’s break it down. Read More »

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates. Read More »

I woke up this morning and had that blah feeling.

You know; when you just know the day is going to be bad, bad, bad. I tripped over my laundry basket on the way to the bathroom, ran out of hot water mid-shower, and decided to wear my hair curly only to find out that my gel was gone and I was forced to use crunch-causing mousse. Then I put on my favorite work outfit – black pants, white shirt, black cardigan – only to find out that my staple white shirt had a giant soy sauce stain right on the left boob pocket.

Damn you, sushi!

So, you can imagine my relief when I turned on my computer and found this gem in my in-box. Never has anything turned my frown upside down faster. What difference does a soy sauce stain make when you have this little troll awkwardly swinging her (HUGE) hands around as she lip syncs to her latest jam? Read More »

Heidi from The Hills wants to be a singer…or a mediocre popstar who lip-syncs in concerts while wearing tiny outfits.

She’s on her way to the mediocre part. Medicore with a side of lame, thanks to her big-headed boyfriend Spencer Pratt.

“Body Language”, a song recently leaked to Ryan Seacrest (and subsequently the whole world) is apparently not the first single from Montag, but is obviously on her record, so I am going to judge it.

The tune itself isn’t horrible. It’s not fantastic, but since it samples a catchy, retro beat, it may just have a life in the clubs.

The major problem with “Body Language” is the rap stuck in the middle—the rap that is rapped by Spencer.

Camp Montag and Pratt claim the rap was “just a joke”, but I’m sure it was totally serious until radio listeners everywhere deemed it the weakest attempt at bad-assness since Avril Lavigne. Read More »