Everybody loves a good lay, and if you’re one of the lucky ones: a daily lay.  There is no better feeling than the mind-blowing ecstasy found in the heat of the moment. The ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’, followed closely by ‘more’ and ‘yes!’ The quick change of positions, the satisfaction on your partner’s face, the satisfaction of your own soaking body, the smell of the room after you’re finished…ah, sex. It’s the perfect way to begin, end and improve your day.

Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps. Actually, I’m thinking about taking a sick day….

Okay, so I love a lot about sex. I know you get the point. But there are a few things about sex that just don’t tickle my fancy (which is seriously saying something). Call me crazy and old-fashioned but I’m not one for scary, horrifying sex; things like farting while having sex (trust me, it happens more often than you think), or coming-to mid black-out and asking where you are…those are minor issues. Oh, there is no greater stain on the foundation of sex than these…

1. Bondage

If I’m offending you with this one, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to put it out there: this stuff is CREEPY. Maybe I’m biased but, pleather skin-tight masks and whips are way too Batman Forever for me. I’ve tried that stuff on and it is not breathable. I’m a sweaty girl, and when I’m getting my freak on I’d prefer not to pass about from heat stroke. Sex is supposed to be fun and satisfying, not the torture scene of Saw 4.

2. Morning-After Shame

There is nothing scarier about sex than to wake up in the morning and have no clue who you’re laying next to. I did this once on Halloween. I was too drunk and ready to embrace my overly impulsive self. Plus I was dressed as Harry Potter so really, how could I go wrong? Well… I went wrong. Very, very wrong.  So wrong that at 7am I hid in the bathroom until my one-night stand got the hint and took off. But not before I watched him do the walk of shame still wearing his costume from the night before. So long, Luigi!

3. Role Play

I don’t mean your standard naughty school girl or French maid role play. I’m talking role play gone wrong. You want an idea of just how wrong? Imagine dressing up to please your partner wearing a Sexy Smurf get-up, or a Bad-Ass Butcher costume to eat some of your partner’s meat! Please excuse me while I puke up my breakfast.

4. Weird Fetishes

So far, I’ve managed to escape the weirdos with the equally weird fetishes (maybe I’m just not hanging out at the right bars?). I just can’t imagine how fast I’d go running in the other direction if I was about to sleep with someone who loved to smear butter across my belly or please me with a carrot stick. Oh no boys, not me, not now. Let’s be honest: not ever.

5. Mind-blowing Sex

Remember how I said at the beginning of this article that I love a good lay? Where passion and satisfaction come together and erupt in one amazing, phenomenal, mind-blowing experience? Well, imagine what happens when sex literally blows your mind…

The New Scientist is reporting that S&M (including spanking, bondage, and flogging), although stressful at first, could bring couples closer together.

In a study, researchers at Northern Illinois University measured the stress hormone cortisol in 13 men and women at an S&M party. “During S&M scenes, cortisol rose significantly in those receiving stimulation, but dropped back to normal within 40 minutes if the scene went well”. At another event, testosterone was measured in 45 men and women and reportedly “increased significantly in receiving women only”. This fluctuation in hormones is understood to help women cope with the stressful nature of the activities.

In both studies, hormone levels returned to normal in couples who enjoyed the experience. The couples who reported the party as a success also “reported an increases in relationship closeness”. These new findings show that “when sexual intercourse is consensual it is not stressful – even if it is extreme sex”.

Not ready for nipple clamps, whips and chains? Don’t worry about it, an activity as simple as cleaning the apartment together could promote closeness withing a couple. Then again, nothing brings a couple closer together than a pair of handcuffs.

If you have similar feelings towards sex toys, this is your lucky day, as I have decided to do all the research for you. I have sifted through the most peculiar of sex toys (seriously, check out the Micro Vibe Tiger and the Safari) to bring you my top 5 reasonably tame, couple-friendly toys. If you’ve tried any of these or have some other personal faves, puh-lease don’t hesitate to share!

Her Pleasure Vibrating Finger Massager – Of course this can be used in the fashion of a normal vibrator (use your imagination), but what I like about it is the versatility. It can really be used to stimulate any body part during foreplay or during sex – the possibilities are pretty much endless. Plus, it’s a pretty safe toy to bring into the bedroom without offending your guy or insulting his skills.

Vibrating Boy Shorts – You got it – boy shorts with a vibrator actually built into them. Now I probably wouldn’t wear these out in public, but they do sound fun as pre-pre-sex activity. Not only will it warm you up while you make out, but I would imagine it would feel pretty good to him as well. For those that can severely contain themselves, I suggest you try one that comes with a remote control for your guy. Now he can do more than just wink at you from across the room….

Velvet Touch – At first glance, this flesh-toned contraption seems pretty intimidating and/or perplexing. According to MyPleasure.com, however, Velvet Touch is one of the most highly recommended c**k rings for couples. Now, I don’t know much about c**k rings, but this one looks like it’s got a lot going on – the soft touch of CyberSkin and a vibrator and several stimulation parts to choose from. Just read the dozens of reviews on MyPleasure.com and I swear you’ll be sold before you even put in your order.

Our First Bondage Kit – Alright so this pick may be a little biased as I tend to enjoy a little blindfold action. Obviously this one can be a DIY project by just throwing a bandanna and some scarves into the bedroom, but if you feel like getting fancy I suggest you pick up the complete kit. According to the website, the kit contains, “Four plush cuffs for ankles and wrists are completely adjustable with Velcro fasteners, which also allow quick removal.” You can kiss the days of being caught in the middle of intense bondage sesh’s goodbye! P.S. If this has happened to you, please do share in the comment portion – I gotta hear about it.

LAYAspot – This one’s pretty similar to the finger massager, but it’s a little larger to cover more surface area. The kicker about this puppy, however, is the fact that it’s pretty discreet. On the outside, it’s your every day Sharper Image hand massager. On the inside, however, it’s a lean mean vibrating machine with several different settings and levels of pulsation for your personal enjoyment. Plus, this toy’s simple enough to let your creativity run wild and use it in any way imaginable.

Enjoy!!

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

1st girl: “I had a really nice, lovely, normal New Years’ kiss. No drama.”

2nd girl: “Yeah. Well, I ended up getting a kiss from my rabbit. He’s man enough for me.”

1st girl:”Cute!”

3rd girl: “I sat by myself and read Wikipedia while the ball dropped. Then my cat threw up.”

“Hey! Do that voice again! It’s like we’ve got two dads. The best Christmas party ever!”

“Bacteria turkey. That’s the grossest thing you can say. The way the words line up in your mouth. The subtle alliteration. It’s like, I want to vomit, but it’d be the most fascinating vomit ever. Think about it.”

“You know, there were plenty of other parties we could have gone to tonight.”

“I don’t think my sexuality is even a question any more. The only physical contact I have with other people is carrying drunk girls home from parties. I think my orientation is ‘transportation equipment.”

“Secretary? Yeah, can’t watch that with the folks. I don’t know what’s worse; the way my dad gets flustered and has to leave the room, or the way my mom starts taking notes.”

“Is this mulled cider? That means it’s cut with E, right?”

“You’re a totally normal until I give you a Nerf gun, and then it’s like you’re four years old again.”

“It’s the cheapest time machine ever!”

“All right, cool, so I’m exempt from Christmas gifts for the next, what, twelve years?”

“This year, I resolve to have way more sex. That seems like a great idea at the time but turns out to be totally gross and stupid the next morning. Also, I resolve to drink more.”

“Am I still a vegetarian if I eat all this sausage?”

“If you’re going to visit me at school, wait until February. We’re starting up the dominatrix classes again. I think we’ll be doing a ‘make-your-own sex toy’ workshop. How cool are you with flogging? No, I’m kidding. Kind of.”

“Oh, wow. Your taste buds look really gross close up. Happy New Year, honey.”

Bettie Page, pinup girl, dies at 85.

Aromatherapy 101.

What’s coming for hair in 2009?

First no one wants his baby pics, and now KMart is ripping him off? Poor Pete Wentz!

What’s up with Facebook ads?

God, what happened to Russel Crowe?

Ever try a little bondage? Here’s how.

Michael Phelps on the Colbert Report. Amazing.

How to handle criticism. With grace.

Jeremy Piven (sigh) wants Barack Obama’s (sigh) digits.

Hot shoes on the cheap!

Two guys, in the dining hall, sitting over empty plates:

“What are we doing tonight?”

“Dan’s probably going on a beer run. I think there are a few parties up at the apartments. I wanna get crunk.”

“Definitely, man. Gonna rock it.”

After a moment:

“We’re playing Magic tonight, aren’t we?”

“Yeah. Probably.”

Two girls at a party:

“It’s not ‘yes’. I’m drinking. It can’t be yes if I’m drinking.”

“Can you just say ‘yes’ now?”

“But I won’t be be able to say ‘no’ later.”

“You wouldn’t say ‘no’ anyway, would you?”

“No. No, I probably wouldn’t.”

Nearby, the boy with his arm around one girl looks terribly uncomfortable.

One frat boy, from across the library: “Burrito?”

Many frat boys, holding burritos: “BURRITO!”

“So, like, bondage?”

“No, no. How about this. We pretend the bed is a rocket ship, and that we’re all astronauts. And we can only talk with our short-wave radios. And every time we talk dirty, we have to say ‘over and out’.”

One dude talks across a lunch table:

“Talking about relationships is easy. I think drawing diagrams really helps.”

A pause.

“Maybe I’m not the best person to be talking to about this.”

Outraged girl, storming over to the table with a newspaper:

“Since when are furries animals?”

The girl, upon further inspection, has a tail attached to her belt.

At a party, a couple is on the floor, in the middle of the room, making out.

Bystander: “Are they fine?”

Other bystander: “How are you guys doing?”

They keep making out, despite the circle of people around them.

“Yeah, I think they’re fine.”

But even if the regular flailing, shrieking mess that we call “lovemaking” wasn’t bizarre enough, us soldiers of sexuality have figured out a never-ending list of even stranger acts to indulge in. And this isn’t like, you know, tie me up, spank me a bit, maybe some handcuffs. Bondage and creepy power relationships aren’t weird anymore, especially not with all those damn vampire romance stories these days. And poop, well, poop is gross, but that’s still pretty old news. We’ve all heard about poop. No, these are fetishes that would actually sound interesting if you brought them up at a party. Links may be NSFW, and incidentally now I have to throw my hard drive into the center of the sun or something.

Hypnosis

Was anyone else ever kinda creeped out by the hypnotist at your “official” high school graduation party? Did anyone else ever find anything weird about fat, sweaty guys putting groups of young students to sleep and then ordering them to dance at his whim, zombie-like, before making them forget about the whole experience? Creepy, right? More like sexy. Although if all those hypnotherapy ads are to be believed, I think quitting smoking, losing weight and reinvigorating your marital life are pretty hot, too. Sign me up?

Superheroes

Don’t you ever wish you had super powers? You’d soar above the city, eagle-like vision scanning the streets for miscreants, drop out of the sky like an arrow to put a halt to the madness, and… cue the crappy porn music? This happens every time you put the damn outfit on!

Hiccups

On the Internet, you can share your hiccups with everyone! And everyone wants them, too, or at least the small segment of the population that gets hot and bothered when the guy behind them at the concert drinks his beer way too fast. It occurs to me that we don’t have anything useful to say when someone nearby hiccups; we have “bless you” for sneezes, but hiccups just feel awkward. Maybe we should take a page from their books and try “oh, god, yes!”

Being Stepped On

This seems to be a man thing. I’m no expert in trampling fetishism, but it doesn’t seem like ladies really go for the four-inch stilettos up their nostrils. Like many fetishes, the idea of being men being aroused by beautiful women bruising the hell out of their faces seems to have a lot of latent gender trouble bubbling beneath the surface. One site explaining the fetish states, “It’s exhilarating for those that have ever wanted to submit to a woman.” Apparently the writer never considered all the other ways one might be able to “submit to a woman,” such as taking a turn cooking dinner or paying the damn child support.

Cake Sitting

There’s not a lot of explaining to do here, I don’t think. You take the cake and make it your chair. Honestly, there are better things to do with cakes. I can’t think of any right now, but I know there must be something. Any ideas?

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