Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Ta Tas. Chi Chis. Fun-bags. Melons. Along with a few hundred different epithets, they come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes. And thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery, there’s even more variety to be had in the size department. Just ask Sheyla Hershey, the woman who was recently denied her 9th boob job. Hershey’s dreams to move up from a FFF-cup to a GG were dashed because apparently, America, the country that has no concept of “moderation” has established a legal limit for silicone.

When I was in 8th grade, I went from flat-as-a-board to a large C in a matter of months; when I discovered binge drinking in college, my Freshman Fifteen accumulated in my breasts, and I was busting out of 36 DD bras, but refused to buy anything bigger because I felt like a freak. Over the past year, a strict cardio regimen has reduced my girls to a 34 DD, but I still long for the old days: a perky pair no bigger than a handful. That being said, why Miss Hershey would intentionally strive for the “World’s Biggest Breasts” is beyond me. Read More »

In a recent interview with US Weekly, The Hills “star”, Heidi Montag, tells the world that she would rather die than be flat chested with a big nose.

When asked about her nose job and breast augmentation surgery (which she has until now kept quiet about), Heidi contributed this incredibly deep and emotional response:

“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

Well, it is nice to see that Heidi has her priorities straight. I mean, forget about all those people dying all over the world. All the starving children in Africa. The oppressed women in the Middle East. The AIDS epidemic.

Those people don’t know pain!

Try living with an A-Cup and be forced to wear push-up bras that cut into your skin! Maybe then you’d know real pain! You think having your face ravaged by flying shrapnel in Iraq is a problem? Try having this thing on your face. Read More »

For flat-chested girls, having a full C, or even B, cup would be a dream come true. It was for Heidi. I know multiple friends of mine that have commented on how much they want larger boobs and would consider implants when they are older. Personally, the idea of inserting foreign substances into my chest sounds uncomfortable and unappealing. But, I also may not fully understand the woes of those still not satisfied with their knockers.

Well, a recently published study in the Annals of Plastic Surgery showed a strong link between breast implants and suicide, which I found very interesting. According to USA Today, the study found that “women who have breast implants are three times as likely to die by suicide and have a similar increased risk of death as a result of drug use or alcoholism.” Read More »

Yippee! So you might remember our lovely Jess’ blog on myfreeimplants.com, that skeevy site where men basically sponsor ladies who put up profiles and buy them boob implants. Sweet life.

Well super-cool Jessica Levine of Florida decided the website was no booby trap (pun most definitely and superbly intended) and ended up winning a great new set of lady lumps. Good for her, way to go chicky.

Really, I’d bash this whole system, website, idea, all the girls who actually participate, all the guys who actually give up their hard earned Benjamins for some lip-glossed randy, but honestly? It’d be too easy. I feel no need to bother.

The best part? The check was presented to Levine on the last day of the Erotica-LA convention (at least it wasn’t Star Wars?) by the Pulitzer Prize winner Jenna Jameson (just kidding).

Now, if Jameson and a porno parade are involved, it must be a pretty legit organization, no doubt (somewhere Hugh Heffner is nodding his head).

The moral of the story? Read More »

My lunch break at work usually consists of a quick dash for coffee and my brown-bag sandwich, but next year, I could also use that hour for a quickie boob job. Cytori Therapeutics, a California biotech company will be introduced a procedure called Celution—a one-hour breast enlargement injection.

The procedure involves minor liposuction of fat from the patient’s stomach or buttocks, and then injecting the fat mixture into breast tissue. A few thousand dollars later, you can expect your breasts to gradually enlarge over a period of sixth months. Read More »

First they told me to watch out for love handles. Then they said my butt wouldn’t be pretty until I got an ass lift. Then calf injections were all the rage. Then I got worried about kankles.

And now, toebesity is on the rise.

What the hell is tobesity, you ask? Ugh. I wish I didn’t know either, but apparently, there are plastic surgeons—and really vain patients—who are willing to scalpel, suck, and reshape those little piggies.

That’s right. Women are reportedly getting their toes remodeled and pumped with collagen so they can fit into shoes engineered to be uncomfortable. They’re also getting their feet lipoed (I kid you not), and shortening toes. Most of these procedures have nothing to do with medical normalities. It’s all about crafting the perfect foot.

Why do this? There’s no good answer.

And that’s it. I have nothing else to say. I am rendered completely speechless by the stupidity of this procedure and the narcissists who pay for it.

If you must waste money on changing your face, your torso, or filling your chest with watery plastic bags, then so be it. But for godsake, stay away from your feet.

What do you think about Toebesity?

TMZ is reporting that Laguna Beach douchebag Spencer Pratt (boyfriend of the vapid Heidi) and Nicole Riche’s baby daddy Joel Madden had a little bit of a run in last Saturday.

According to Pratt himself, Nicole’s Tattooed Ticket Out of Jail came up to him at the Beverly Hills Hotel screaming “you’ve been talking shit about my girl!” and wouldn’t stop until he was forcibly removed from the area.

Spencer claims it was all a “misunderstanding” stemming from “an interview in Details ages ago where I was misquoted, calling Nicole a skinny bitch. It’s all a misunderstanding. I’ve always thought she’s a really nice girl and I wouldn’t call her that.”

Ugh. Nothing makes me dry heave faster than a rich prick trying to cover his tracks. Looks like Heidi’s got herself her very own BSG.

Good job, Boobalicious. Here’s hoping he’ll love you as much as he loves his hair.

Every time I watch a horror story on tv about botched boob jobs, I always wonder why someone would choose to put foreign substances like silicone in their body. Regardless, the FDA has officially approved silicone-filled gel implants for breast augmentations. Is it just me or do all the scary stories that end with boobs looking more like lumpy tumors than actual breasts always involve silicone being the culprit?

It’s possible that I simply don’t understand the angst of flat-chested women and why someone would take the risk because I have rocked a solid C since sophomore year of high school.

Well maybe our dear Heidi Montag from The Hills could explain a thing or two to me. Yes, it’s official: Heidi decided to do something about her itty bitty titties. She recently underwent surgery for breast implants in Beverly Hills.

According to usmagazine.com, “Heidi just doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” says a source. “She did this for herself, and she’s hoping to keep it as private as possible.”

Oh Heidi, I’m sure the new twins will be kept “very private” when splashed across the screen of your next reality show venture.