Money!

Happy Tax Day! I know it’s not the best day for those of you who have to hand your hard-earned money over to the government (perhaps a free donut will help?), but some of you might be lucky enough to be getting some cash back. Hooray! If you’re anything like me, you were so excited at the prospect of having triple digits in your bank account that you started spending that money before you even got it.

Good for you! Stimulate that economy! Treat yourself to something wonderful. Just don’t let all the excitement blind you. Below, 5 things you shouldn’t waste your money on. Seriously.

1. A boob job
If Heidi Montag’s mega-jugs aren’t enough to turn you off, maybe this woman can convince you. Sure, four boobs for the price of two seems like a deal, but, uh, it’s four boobs. I’m pretty sure most people get by with two. Instead, try the Victoria’s Secret Miraculous push-up bra. It really does add two sizes (and not two extra boobs) and it’s much, much cheaper.

2. A tanning package
I too am trying my darndest to keep my Spring Break tan from fading before bikini season. But with recent reports that indoor tanning ups the odds of melanoma by more than 50%, I’m opting to save my cash and my skin! A healthier and cheaper alternative? Jergen’s Natural Glow lotion and Tantowels. They really work!

3. Harem Pants
With all that extra cash burning a hole in your bank account it’s tempting to splurge on designer duds that you couldn’t normally afford. But just because the fashion mags claim something is “in,” doesn’t mean you should go spend your hard-earned tax dollars on it. I mean, really, fashion editors? I don’t care if these genie pants are by Marc Jacobs and Jean Paul Gaultier, they are UGLY. Let’s all be fiscally responsible and stick with last year’s skinny jeans, K?

4. This skirt
Do I even need to say it?

5. Anything you see on an infomercial
Infomercial products are tempting, especially when it’s 3:30 am, you’re drunk and you’ve got a few extra hundred bucks to burn. Resist. I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need a tool to help you wipe your ass, a blender that sounds like a vibrator, or a Bumpit (unless you’re preparing for a summer in Seaside Heights).

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like socks with sandals!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

In case you’ve been living in a hole for the past week (or, you know, busy paying attention to important world events), Heidi Montag got plastic surgery… like seriously! While we and pretty much everyone else has been clear on what we think about her new “look,” it got me thinking. One of the big things people have pointed out about Heidi’s work (aside from the sheer number of surgeries) is her age – specifically that she seems incredibly young to be having work done.

Now we’re not talking about medically necessary surgeries or reconstruction here, I’m talking the pure “make me pretty because I want it” type of thing, and I admit, I can see the appeal. While I have always been a proponent of the “love yourself the way you are” mentality, there are definitely days where I have wished I could wake up with a smaller nose or bigger boobs or a magically flat tummy – and I know I’m not alone. I was always taught that self-esteem is important, and most of us wouldn’t think twice about, say, coloring our hair or getting a gym membership to boost our self-image.

Isn’t plastic surgery just an (admittedly extreme) extension of that? 

And the truth is procedures like these cost a pretty penny so if you’re going to invest in them, why not do it early and get you’re money’s worth? Should you have to wait years and years to do something you know you want just because you seem too young for it? If you have the will and the means, is it fair for other people to tell you that you shouldn’t do something that will make you happier?

The flip side, of course, is that the risk of buyer’s remorse goes up the younger you are. I mean, I know a lot of people who got tattoos just a few years ago and already regret it, so dropping that kind of cash on something you may want to get reversed down the road isn’t a real appealing thought. Also, we women have spent a long time just trying to be accepted for the bodies we have, so going the other way to make yourself seem more “perfect” seems counterintuitive to that idea. (Especially when Heidi goes on TV and says her message is that “beauty comes from within.”)After all, (as my mother loves to tell me) it’s the little flaws that make us the most beautiful – where would Lauren Hutton have been without that gap in her teeth or Beyonce without her bootyliciousness (I can’t believe I just put those two in the same sentence). It might take a long time to finally make peace with the way you look, but wouldn’t it be better to be special than generic?

OK, now you tell me – what do you think about getting some work done? Would you do it if you could? Would you hold it against someone if she did? And should age be a factor in the way we look at it?

Duke it out, ladies!

When I was in 8th grade, I went from flat-as-a-board to a large C in a matter of months; when I discovered binge drinking in college, my Freshman Fifteen accumulated in my breasts, and I was busting out of 36 DD bras, but refused to buy anything bigger because I felt like a freak. Over the past year, a strict cardio regimen has reduced my girls to a 34 DD, but I still long for the old days: a perky pair no bigger than a handful. That being said, why Miss Hershey would intentionally strive for the “World’s Biggest Breasts” is beyond me.

I can’t wear halter tops. Tube tops have never even been an option. Empire waists cut across the middle of my boobs, and any triangle cut will have me looking like a prostitute. To all the petite girls out there: the next time you are getting ready to go out to a bar or club, pick something out that doesn’t fall into one of these categories. More often than not, I end up feeling like a librarian when I’m surrounded by girls who can show off their shoulders, backs, and not-obscene cleavage.

My boobs are embarrassing. Once a friend developed a picture of me, and doubled over with laughter because my jugs looked ginormous in the pic. I’ve also had small children point and laugh. I worked at a restaurant with a female manager who was notorious for not buttoning her blouse all the way, and a coworker called her out on her unprofessional cleavage. Her response? “Kathryn shows off her cleavage!” Not willing to be her scapegoat, I snapped, “I could wear a turtleneck and I’d still have cleavage.” It was only funny because, sadly, it’s true.

I wish I could see what I’d look like with a more proportioned rack. I bet I’d look like I lost ten pounds, if only my upper “half” didn’t account for 75% of my body weight. I bet my lady lumps wouldn’t fly out of control on the elliptical, despite being strapped in by a sports bra and support tank. Above all, I bet I would never, ever consider going under the knife for a breast enlargement surgery. Let alone NINE surgeries. Can breasts be too big? My vote is in: YES.

[Photo courtesy of Boinkology.com]

When asked about her nose job and breast augmentation surgery (which she has until now kept quiet about), Heidi contributed this incredibly deep and emotional response:

“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

Well, it is nice to see that Heidi has her priorities straight. I mean, forget about all those people dying all over the world. All the starving children in Africa. The oppressed women in the Middle East. The AIDS epidemic.

Those people don’t know pain!

Try living with an A-Cup and be forced to wear push-up bras that cut into your skin! Maybe then you’d know real pain! You think having your face ravaged by flying shrapnel in Iraq is a problem? Try having this thing on your face.

And to think, I have spent the past few weeks ripping into Heidi for being a superficial and dumb bitch. She has finally set me straight. I just hope this surgery gives Heidi everything she wants and more.

After all she has been through – dropping out of school, getting a promotion she doesn’t deserve, going through the horrors of elective surgery – she deserves it. (Except, of course, that singing career she has been working on; with performances like this, that sh*t is never gonna happen.)

For flat-chested girls, having a full C, or even B, cup would be a dream come true. It was for Heidi. I know multiple friends of mine that have commented on how much they want larger boobs and would consider implants when they are older. Personally, the idea of inserting foreign substances into my chest sounds uncomfortable and unappealing. But, I also may not fully understand the woes of those still not satisfied with their knockers.

Well, a recently published study in the Annals of Plastic Surgery showed a strong link between breast implants and suicide, which I found very interesting. According to USA Today, the study found that “women who have breast implants are three times as likely to die by suicide and have a similar increased risk of death as a result of drug use or alcoholism.”

The study followed more than 3,000 women, and found no big increase in suicide risk in the first 10 years after surgery. But, the risk grew by 4.5 times 10-19 years after, and then to six times higher compared with the expected suicide rate after 20 years.

Although these results are significant, it is also hard to tell whether they are due to previous psychiatric illnesses that were not diagnosed…But, in my opinion, that’s a pretty large increase for these women. Maybe because many women that receive plastic surgery are already somewhat unhappy with their body in some way or another? And are unable to shake these feelings even with implants? Who knows, just thinking out loud here.

Regardless, I think that any girl who is considering a plastic surgery procedure should give it some serious thought. Will it really change how you feel about yourself or are there other factors you should deal with first?

Well super-cool Jessica Levine of Florida decided the website was no booby trap (pun most definitely and superbly intended) and ended up winning a great new set of lady lumps. Good for her, way to go chicky.

Really, I’d bash this whole system, website, idea, all the girls who actually participate, all the guys who actually give up their hard earned Benjamins for some lip-glossed randy, but honestly? It’d be too easy. I feel no need to bother.

The best part? The check was presented to Levine on the last day of the Erotica-LA convention (at least it wasn’t Star Wars?) by the Pulitzer Prize winner Jenna Jameson (just kidding).

Now, if Jameson and a porno parade are involved, it must be a pretty legit organization, no doubt (somewhere Hugh Heffner is nodding his head).

The moral of the story?

If you want free boobies, put on naughty costumes, take pictures of yourself, and hope that there is a lonely creepy (loaded) old man out there who finds you worthy.

Don’t worry about that war still going on, or toil over the fact that none of our upcoming presidential candidates support gay marriage. Besides, global warming won’t be that bad with a shiny new pair of silicone double D’s, duh.

Thanks, myfreeimplants.com!

My lunch break at work usually consists of a quick dash for coffee and my brown-bag sandwich, but next year, I could also use that hour for a quickie boob job. Cytori Therapeutics, a California biotech company will be introduced a procedure called Celution—a one-hour breast enlargement injection.

The procedure involves minor liposuction of fat from the patient’s stomach or buttocks, and then injecting the fat mixture into breast tissue. A few thousand dollars later, you can expect your breasts to gradually enlarge over a period of sixth months.

The company claims their initial focus will be reconstructive surgery in breast cancer patients, but I can’t imagine that’ll last too long. And I won’t be surprised if this super-charged fat injection procedure makes its way to other parts of the body as well. J.Lo booty over lunch hour, anyone?

Or perhaps a natural-looking way to get fuller lips—well, as natural as it can be for your lips to mysteriously, albeit slowly, grow over a period of months. I can’t help but be a bit weary that the decision to get a breast augmentation might be made on your way to grab your boss a cup of coffee.

It’s still unclear how the defects from the procedure are repaired and clinical trials are currently under way, but the process has already been approved in Germany, which means it is legal across the EU. Backpacking through Europe this summer? Stop in for some new boobs to surprise your parents with over Christmas break!

And now, toebesity is on the rise.

What the hell is tobesity, you ask? Ugh. I wish I didn’t know either, but apparently, there are plastic surgeons—and really vain patients—who are willing to scalpel, suck, and reshape those little piggies.

That’s right. Women are reportedly getting their toes remodeled and pumped with collagen so they can fit into shoes engineered to be uncomfortable. They’re also getting their feet lipoed (I kid you not), and shortening toes. Most of these procedures have nothing to do with medical normalities. It’s all about crafting the perfect foot.

Why do this? There’s no good answer.

And that’s it. I have nothing else to say. I am rendered completely speechless by the stupidity of this procedure and the narcissists who pay for it.

If you must waste money on changing your face, your torso, or filling your chest with watery plastic bags, then so be it. But for godsake, stay away from your feet.

What do you think about Toebesity?

According to Pratt himself, Nicole’s Tattooed Ticket Out of Jail came up to him at the Beverly Hills Hotel screaming “you’ve been talking shit about my girl!” and wouldn’t stop until he was forcibly removed from the area.

Spencer claims it was all a “misunderstanding” stemming from “an interview in Details ages ago where I was misquoted, calling Nicole a skinny bitch. It’s all a misunderstanding. I’ve always thought she’s a really nice girl and I wouldn’t call her that.”

Ugh. Nothing makes me dry heave faster than a rich prick trying to cover his tracks. Looks like Heidi’s got herself her very own BSG.

Good job, Boobalicious. Here’s hoping he’ll love you as much as he loves his hair.

It’s possible that I simply don’t understand the angst of flat-chested women and why someone would take the risk because I have rocked a solid C since sophomore year of high school.

Well maybe our dear Heidi Montag from The Hills could explain a thing or two to me. Yes, it’s official: Heidi decided to do something about her itty bitty titties. She recently underwent surgery for breast implants in Beverly Hills.

According to usmagazine.com, “Heidi just doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” says a source. “She did this for herself, and she’s hoping to keep it as private as possible.”

Oh Heidi, I’m sure the new twins will be kept “very private” when splashed across the screen of your next reality show venture.