With study sessions fueled by Hot Pockets and Monster energy drinks, Thanksgiving has been the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Seeing family and friends, eating a hearty home-cooked meal, and doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and shopping for days in a row… it’s almost too good to be true.

But it’s not! It’s real. And I’m so thankful for this refreshing calm before the storm that is finals that it almost makes me want to stay home in a cranberry sauce-induced food coma forever. Because as great as college life is and as grateful as I am to be here, there are a few aspects of it that I am oh so NOT thankful for.

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Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower!

(Girl, talking to other girl, outside classrooms.)

Girl: He’s my boyfriend. So cute!

Girl 2: He’s my boyfriend too. I just wanna eat him up, spit him back out and eat him up again.

(Girl, complaining to other girls about something.)

Girl: Are you kidding me? That bitch! I’m sick of her. That bitch, be like, ‘bitch! Your head’s gone!’

(Guy, girl, shopping in an electronics store.)

Guy: If there were a game I’d have sex with, it’d probably be this one.

Girl: That’s gross.

(Beat)

Girl: I guess I would too, though.

(Guy, before class.)

Guy: You know, I just love it. Ribbons of blood! It’s a beautiful thing.

(Two guys, at party.)

Guy 1: Who wants do a shot with me!

Guy 2: Of what?

Guy 1: Wait, let me read the bottle. It’s … my urine!

(Two guys, talking at a concert.)

Guy 1: I don’t really like Rihanna. I’ve always like Chris Brown better. I guess that’s pretty insensitive to say, though, huh.

Guy 2: I don’t think so. I think it’s only insensitive if he’s sitting in the car behind you.

(Girl, guy, walking around a Barnes and Noble.)

Guy: I don’t get what’s so special about Josh Groban.

Girl: *chuckle*

Guy: I mean, what?

Girl: Ask your parents. They can tell you when you’re older.

(Two guys, shopping for groceries.)

Guy 1: How’s your meat.

Guy 2: Pretty spongey.

(Two girls, talking at a party.)

Girl 1: He was kind of a third wheel, right?

Girl 2: Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel. That wheel that goes flying out of the car wreck on fire after everyone dies.

(Three guys, at the bar.)

Guy 1: You going to the show with us tonight?

Guy 2: Not sure. Dunno.

Guy 1: What, you wanna stay here? And let this loser get you sick?

Guy 3: Oh, he told you about that?

Guy 1: What?

Guy 3: I’m sick. I’m dying.

Sure, it may be full of exclusive tips that you are dying to learn and try out on your man, but can you really muster the moxie to pay for it along with a bottle of water and box of pens?

“What if the cashier thinks I have an oral-fixation that I need to feed in between classes by learning how to properly fellate a fellow?” The embarrassment would be akin to buying the economy-size box of tampons at the grocery store while still in your PMS PJs.

But, now I wonder: what other hidden treasures can I find in the bookstore that I’m too scared to plunk down the cash for in public?

Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both
What it’s about: So, do you think that by hooking up you’re being sexually empowered and going after what you want for a change? Not so, says Laura Sessions Stepp. She “follows three groups of young women over the course of an academic year to discover what hooking up is all about. She attends class with them, parties with them, and listens to them talk about their sexual encounters – coming away with some enlightening and disturbing insights into sexuality.”

What it tells the cashier: I am sorta slutty and I want to know the repercussions.

Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose and That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between
What They’re About: This is a two-fer because either of these books would make me feel like a chihuahua carrying, air-headed attention whore… with really cute shoes. However, Paris Hilton’s Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue in Chic Peek Behind the Pose lures me in with it’s sparkly cover, clever title pun and full-page, colored pictures. Unfortunately, much like the author herself, this book is really pretty on the outside, but lacks any substance on the inside. A similar book, That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between, is Mrs. David Beckham’s attempt at literature. It has tips on how to wear your LBD, find awesome bargains and gives you space to make notes about your favorite fashion tricks. It’s a pretty hefty book for the price and I’d wager the spine is thicker than Vickie’s waist.

What it tells the cashier: I’m a moron with a really great closet.

Die Happy: 499 Thing’s Every Guy’s Gotta Do While He Still Can
What it’s about: A what-to-do guide written for men, by men, that gives great insight into what these crazy creatures really want in life. While my Bucket List contains dreams of visting Paris, getting a Masters degree and celebrating New Years in Times Square, this book reveals that guys’ dreams top out at swimming with sharks, taking a job as a cab driver and playing drunk golf. A funny read and peek inside the male mind, this book makes me feel a little like a dirty voyeur…and I kinda like it.

What it tells the cashier: I’m a dirty voyeur… and also slighty weird for wanting to delve this deeply into the male mind.

Filthy Shakespeare: Shakespeare’s Most Outrageous Sexual Puns
What it’s about: Desperate to develop an interest in Shakespeare so you aren’t bored to death during that section in Lit?  This is a book for the easily distracted student whose dirty mind reads too deep into a silly coincidence. Who knew that Shakespeare wanted the word “all” to be pronounced like “hole” and the word “wit” was meant to represent the vajay. Naughty, Willy!

What it tells the cashier: I think the word Willy is funny. Tee hee.

I Lick My Cheese
What it’s about: If you live with filthy, annoying roommates, then this book is right up your alley! It may just be a picture book, but its compilation of photos of notes left by roomies that will have you laughing in the aisles. Sure, it’s not a book of merit where you’re going to learn anything useful or look like a studious co-ed, but who doesn’t love reading notes about poop in an unflushed toilet?

What it tells the cashier: My mom gave me money to buy books and I’m buying a picture book. About poop.

So maybe these books will make you blush when you decide to have the cashier ring them up, but they may also provide hours of entertainment. If your brain is tired of slogging through chapters on the Great Depression, maybe its time for a little hilarity.

And you can always order them online, or just try to do what I do: grab one of these books, pull your hoodie down over your eyes, throw cash at the counter and run away screaming.

Hey, don’t judge me!

Not to say I’m a total self-help junkie now, but I am pretty shameless about the fact that I read – and believe in – the healing power of self-help books. (Okay, that sounded unnecessarily cheesy, but you catch my drift.)

So, even if you’ve never snuck a peak at the Self Help section in Barnes & Nobles (or are just too embarrassed to admit it),  here’s some of my faves & some others whose street cred is pretty great, as far as self-help books goes:

1. You Can Heal Your Life – Louise L. Hay. I just recently started reading this one myself and I’m in love. It’s intense and has caused quite a few life-changing epiphanies, and Hay will seriously stop at nothing to help you create your perfect life.

2. The Secret – Rhonda Byrne. The now uber-famous Law of Attraction is explained in this simple, visually appealing, tiny book. And when you don’t exactly have time to sit down & waft through an intense self-help workshop like you’d get from something like You Can Heal Your Life, The Secret will totally suffice. You can easily soak up a chapter between classes or use it as a study distraction. It’s more exciting than King Lear, I promise.

3. Succulent Wild Woman by SARK. Or anything by SARK, actually. Her books are super colorful, easy to read and inspiring. She’s been through it all and has the battle wounds to prove it, but has basically turned out absolutely wonderful, if you ask me.

4. Eat, Pray, Love – Elizabeth Gilbert. Although personally I’m not so sure how I feel about a book with ‘Pray’ in the title, I’ve heard oodles of good things about this one. This book was basically a third appendage when my old roommate was chillin’ in our apartment between lectures.

5. The Red Book – Sera Beak. Recommended by one of my favorite bloggers, Miss Gala Darling over at iCiNG, this book is all about creating your own brand of spirituality.

6. He’s Just Not That Into You – Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Okay, this isn’t exactly a “self-help” book, per se, but it’s a pretty practical reminder for women out there that some men really actually do just suck (and there are NO excuses for them!).

7. Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself – Sabrina Ward Harrison. More of a journal than a self-help book, it’s filled with inspiring collages and scrawled messages from Harrison’s own mind alongside space to spill your own deep thoughts. Ch’yeah.

Know a good self help book you want to share with other CC readers? Talk about it in the comments.