“So…are we gonna hook-up or what?”

Ah, another poor soul lost to the epidemic I refer to as “The Death of Subtlety.” It was a fabulous time (read: three days) we spent together. He was good-looking, kinda funny, not too much of a d-bag…in other words, a total catch. And then, as we lay in each other’s arms on the musty couch, he uttered that fateful question. Sigh. Is it too much to ask that an insignificant other be at least a little eloquent?

Apparently, the answer is yes, it is too much to ask. And while I like to think I’m the only one that destiny thrusts into these terribly awkward situations, this is not the case. Many of my peers, both guys and girls, have shared disaster stories involving their partners’ lack of tactfulness and vain attempts at trying to “get it in,” as the kids say nowadays. (My personal favorite involves Paranormal Activity, a roommate gone for the weekend, and the statement, “You should give me a blowjob.” Needless to say, nothing “got in” that night.)

So, in response to the fact that some people are not fluent in the language of subtlety, I’ve decided to compile a list of common phrases you might hear from these failed Don Juans…and how to respond.

1. “You should give me a blowjob/sleep with me/etc.”

I’m sorry, I don’t recall agreeing to an “awkward conversation for blowjobs” program. Why else should I do whatever you’re asking? By the way, definitely work on your conversational transitions.

Proper Response: You should retract that statement and try again.

2. “Hey…wanna make-out/hook-up/do something you’ll regret tomorrow?”

While better than the previous statement (they did give you the option to say no after all), this question ruins the moment and sends the awkward meter through the roof. Just touch my face or something and I’ll get the hint.

Proper Response: As charming as you are, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request. (Bonus: Pirates of the Caribbean reference! Dudes love that.)

3. “People tell me I’m really great at sex/going down/misc. other ‘activity’.’”

I’m glad you’re proud of your “skill.” But unless you provide a reference, I really don’t care about your previous experience. And let’s be honest, I like to delude myself into thinking that you’ve only ever hooked-up with me.

Proper Response: Were those people paid for their testimonials?

4. “You know, my roommate’s gone for the weekend and I’m feeling really lonely…”

Let me guess: there’s so much room for activities now! While that sounds like a riveting opportunity, your poor attempts at making me feel empathy for your loneliness are as laughable as Kim K.’s marriage (BAM! Pop culture smackdown).

Proper Response: Now we can make intense eye contact without your pesky roommate bothering us!

5. “What’s up?” or any variation of this phrase, sent in a text at 2 a.m.

We all know and tolerate those booty call texts that can range from a simple drunken “heeyyyy” to something like the one my roommate received last week: “Bang?” (She responded with “Sleep?” Conversation over.) I’m all for late-night hook-ups, but there has to be a better way of initiating them.

Proper Response: Depends if you’re into it or not. Answering with, “I wanna hold your hand so hard,” also works.

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

- The very back row of the lecture hall.
- The bathrooms of every restaurant/bar within 10 miles of campus.
- The floor of your dorm or apartment.
- Any place you can get your hair or nails done.
- At the clothing racks of retail stores.

No, I’m not listing the top five places to have sex (though the last two would be sorta exciting/weird….). I’m talking about the most likely places you will overhear college women debating if their new guy is looking for a relationship or just looking for ass. We all know guys avoid the title of “boyfriend“ like it was an invitation to watch a Golden Girls marathon, but there are some nice guys still out there that do actually want to be someone’s boyfriend.

So how does a woman know if her guy is part of this endangered species?

Well, let’s backtrack a little.

Read More »

Ah, the LDR . . . it’s one of the most talked-about relationship types ever, and for good reason—there’s just so much to say about it. Should you do it? Shouldn’t you? For some people, it’s not so bad, and for others, it’s absolutely never going to work. But if you find the right person and it just happens to be the wrong time in your life to physically be in the same place, is an LDR worthwhile? Here’s a breakdown of the pros and cons:

ADVANTAGES

Be a total pig: If you’re not exactly Mr. Clean, your significant other never needs to know unless he or she comes to visit, in which case you can do a total sweep of the house in time for the arrival. In fact, it’s easy to cover up a lot of bad habits if you’re in a long-distance relationship. As long as you can hold off pounding down the Cheetos or compulsively biting your nails for the short times when you do actually see the person you’re dating, you can otherwise freely indulge in your vices.

Time for yourself: This is a biggie. If you still like to hit up the bar with your friends or spend all your spare time watching college football games, there’s no boyfriend or girlfriend to stop you in an LDR. In a way, it’s the best of both worlds—you get to date a great person while still enjoying one of the biggest benefits of being single: time. Read More »

   OR  

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal, and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupidity of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone etiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce.

So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortunate road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Ex-boyfriend calls out of the blue (at 3 am).

Although it would be mighty enjoyable to deny your calls during daylight hours, I just couldn’t muster up the proper amount of excitement about ignoring you as I was attempting to sleep. At 3 am. As most (okay some) college students are doing on Wednesday nights. It was, in fact, incredibly irritating to listen to my phone vibrating violently until it buzzzzed right off my nightstand, unplugged itself from my charger and died early the next morning, preventing me from whiling away my classes with interesting texts and Facebook stalking.

It seems that you still find ways to annoy the sh*t out of me, even technologically! Your call was especially appreciated by my new (and way better) boyfriend, who happened to be sleeping next to me and was quite frankly a little pissed off for the entire next day due to sleep deprivation and extreme annoyance with you. The only consolation I got from your obnoxious ass was the touching voicemail you left me (I believe you were crying) slurring on and on about how great I am. Well, I think it’s a little too late for that, mister, and so does everyone else who listened to it (aka 48 of my sorority sisters with a tendency to gossip)–although they did get a great laugh out of listening to your blubbering for 3 minutes. Read More »

In response to yesterday’s list of 13 Truths About Women, we weren’t sure what to do. Do we respond to their “truths”? Maybe give them a little real information on women, instead of that bullsh*t they came up with?Or, do we go ahead and enlighten the world with some truths about men? Things we know to be true and think everyone should know when dealing with these….creatures.

We went with the latter. So, here they are: 13 Truths About Men That They Will Lie About Until They Die, But We Are Insightful Enough to Figure Out No Matter How Much They Deny:

(We must note, however, that, unlike men, we realize that all these truths can’t possible apply to all men. But they do show up, in some combination, in every single one.)

1. Sex Is Always a Top Priority: Guys often will try to make women believe that they are sensitive and don’t care about sex (“I want to talk!”), but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex is always number 1. Over sports. Over work. Over you. Over your relationship when he is in another city and a cute girl starts talking to him. Over his family. Over his health. If sex is an option, he will be taking it. And if sex is an option without a condom, he will be taking it in the 2.5 seconds it takes to rip your clothes off. No time to consider the repercussions, because those don’t matter when he can do it without the burden of a condom! Read More »

In college, many of my close friends were perfectly fine with booty calling a guy or being a guy’s booty call. Their attitude was if you can handle having no-strings-attached sex and are safe about it, then hey, why not go for it?!

While I admired their liberal outlook, I didn’t really have an opinion of my own as I, for the most part, wasn’t really booty calling guys or being their booty call. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as if I didn’t hook-up with guys, I did, but I always found myself in situations where no booty call was necessary. Most of the time, the guy I would be taking home with me that night was right next to me.

Really, it hadn’t been until recently, while living in New York, that I’d gotten my first foray into world of booty calls. At a Christmas party I hit it off with a blonde, blue-eyed cutie and ever since then we’ve exchanged numerous flirtatious text messages. Sure, many hinted at action between the sheets, but while risqué, nothing had ever come of them. Until Saturday night.

At around 2:30 am, just when I was about to go to bed I get a text message from him, “I want to see you.” Ah, the ever notorious booty call, or in this case, text message. Even though I wanted to have sex and knew I could have a safe, uncomplicated experience with him, I debated for a few minutes whether I should even respond. While I could hear my friends in my mind telling me to “go for it” I wondered if texting him back and inviting him over to my place would make me a slut. Read More »

So 2007 was ruled by your sex-crazed alter-ego. Somehow she coerced you to collect most of those notches on your bed post.

Maybe it was a new-found freedom or maybe it was your secret desire to experience the “Samantha Jones” lifestyle that spawned the behavior. Either way, you’re ready to put her to rest this year and turn over a new leaf.

Letting go of those sexual patterns won’t be easy; after all, the “Sam” in you is likely to put up a fight.

Regain control by first promising yourself that you’ll lay off the guys for a full month. Make your nights out all about the girls; not finding a hot frat boy to go home with. Worried that you’ll slip up? Tell your friends to keep an eye on you. Above all, give them permission to remind you of your resolution or take you home on account of bad behavior. Read More »

I spent this past weekend reuniting with my college girls in Washington D.C. and it was absolutely fabulous. We spent our days looking through pictures, eating Oreo’s and hanging out and our evenings drinking and dancing at various bars around town. It was just like college, except for one major difference.

One night as I was making my way to the bar to re-stock on some Amstel Light, a tall lad struck up conversation with me. We talked as we waiting in the monstrous line and even after we had procured our drinks of choice. He was cute – tall, dark, good jeans – and I was really enjoying his company. But, even being six drinks in, I knew better than to go home with him when he asked.

I didn’t know who this guy was or what his intentions were. I didn’t know where he lived or what his name was, even!

Therein lies the difference between College Lauren and Post College Lauren.

If I were still in school I would have gone home with that boy in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t have considered the fact that he could be dangerous, he could have STD’s or that anything bad could come from the situation at all. I would have trusted him because he was on my campus – in my little bubble – and why wouldn’t I? Read More »

So by now you’ve read or at least heard of the two books He’s Just Not That Into You and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. Well one of the authors, Greg Behrendt, has some hilariously funny downloadable ringtones on his personal website. These are no ordinary ringtones…they’re meant to be set in your phone as the personal ringtone for that special a-hole that you KNOW is bad for you but you can’t seem to shake.

My personal favorite is called “Booty Call” and it’s a recording of Greg singing “Guess who’s drunk and phoning again, it’s me, it’s me…guess who’s drunk and phoning again at quarter to three…AM…in the morning…don’t do it! It’s a booty call! Don’t do it…”

Then there’s also “Let It Go to Voicemail” and “Delete It.” Perfect for when you know you need some extra reassurance as to why you shouldn’t pick up when that phone starts ringing and you know the person calling is B-A-D bad news. Shear genius.