My optimistic side says (hopes?) that this video is a joke, but a large part of me wonders how much truth there is in it. We’ve all seen those crazy pageant moms teasing their 3-year-olds’ hair and covering their faces in makeup, so I’m not sure injecting their foreheads with Botox is really far off.

Joke or not, the video is WTF-ridonkulous. And the girl is just presh (even if she’s lookin’ a little old).

I was born with a skin-tone that falls somewhere between “fresh milk” and “blank paper.” I’ve heard every “where are the Seven Dwarves?” and “Ah! You’re blinding me!” joke in existence, replacing my joyful anticipation of summer with an ominous dread. As girls with non-glow-in-the-dark skin flounce down the street in their shorts and minis, my legs have been relegated to hot, dark jeans.

In years past, in order to reach the deep, savage “normal-people” color I have so longed for, I have resorted to the religious application of self-tanners, which, while making me darker, have also made me smellier. And we all know nothing is more appealing to a man than a girl who smells like chemicals and has weird, orange-streaked sheets. And to top it all off, after my daily self-tanning regimen, there would almost inevitably come the cruel mockery of the phrase “you’re so light!”

Sigh. Read More »

Mmmm sperm!

So apparently all those frat guys during my last four years of university had it right all along – sperm really does have many health benefits.  A Norwegian company called Bioforskning (which sounds like the owner may have had a mouthful of something when she was asked to name the company) has developed a facial treatment to minimize wrinkles and smooth skin utilizing spermine, an element in human sperm.

Human. Sperm. WTF??

First of all, let’s just sit back and appreciate the thought process that had to have gone into this product.  Who came up with it?  Who was sitting around and thinking, “Oh you know what, I bet jizz is really good for your skin, let me test this out and then sell it for hundreds of dollars”??  I tell you what, when sperm is that close to my face, my skin care routine is usually the last thing on my mind.  The first thing?  “Argh, point that thing somewhere else!”

Secondly, this “treatment” can cost up to $250 per session.  Seriously? What happened to the days when jizz on your face was an unhappy accident after a night of too many free (and probably warm) beers in the basement of a fraternity house on the side of campus you usually avoid? And instead of thinking, “Oh hey, I should probably let this sink into my skin and give it a second to see if it does anything beneficial,” weren’t we all (those of us who were “blessed” enough to be in the beta stages of this beauty regimen) thinking, “Where’s my face wash??”

Although Botox and  plastic surgery get a lot of flack, I feel a bit more warm to the idea of someone injecting pig fat or whatever it is into my face now that I know a sperm facial (didn’t that use to be a euphemism for something?) is the alternative treatment.  At any rate, I hope this development doesn’t leak to those frat guys (or really, any sexually active male), otherwise this fall’s crop of freshman girls have a whole new thing coming to them (all puns intended).

California has always been my dream place to live with its warm weather, hot surfer dudes and that laid back, livin’ the life attitude.  But as of today, my view on the seemingly perfect Cali location has truly changed.  Thanks to the really messed up California Supreme Court Prop 8 decision banning same sex marriages, I started to realize the darkness that lies behind all that sunshine.

There are, in fact, a lot of effed up things about the place that isn’t quite as laid back as I once presumed:

1. You can never escape those dangerous earthquakes that occur a little too often. I don’t know about you, but I like my ground to remain stable, thankyouverymuch. Another thing I like: living without the fear of wildfires burning me to a crisp as I sleep.

2. I can barely watch The Real Housewives of the OC without cringing, and cant imagine having to see these women (and the millions of others just like them in Cali) in real life.  I might freak out, melt down, and have to get Botox to regain any sense of normalcy.

3. Seeing famous people every day might be cool, but knowing that some of the world’s most obnoxious and utterly ridiculous celebrities call that state home kind of turns me off.  I might just gag if I have to see Heidi or Spencer one more time on TV or in a magazine. Seeing them in person? Well, I think I’ll stay on the opposite side of the country.

4. California traffic is known to be ridiculous, and coming from the fast paced New York City lifestyle, I’m not sure that would quite work for me.

5. Most importantly, I’d probably miss my Ugg boots, my mittens, my scarf and ear muffs (oh, and states where gay couples can be married).  And who can turn down a good snowball fight?  Looks like I’ll be spraying on the tan and staying on the East Coast for a while.

Want longer lashes? (Wow, that sounded like a CoverGirl commercial.)

Well, now you can get them WITHOUT MASCARA. Yeah, you heard right.

The FDA has recently approved a new drug called Latisse, brought to you by the same pharmeceutical company that gave us Botox: Allergen Inc. They promise “longer, fuller, and darker lashes” with daily use on the upper eyelids for 16 weeks.

Who wouldn’t want that?

But beware of the caveat manufacturers don’t want you to know about. Possible side effects include a gradual darkening of the iris and a darkening of any portion of the surrounding area where the drug touches your skin. Not to mention the possiblility of looking like Chewbacca if it gets anywhere else on your body, since Latisse is merely a hair-follicle stimulant.

Oh, and if you still want to try it? It’ll make a dent of $120 for a 30-day supply. The effects aren’t permanent either, so your lashes will return back to their genetically-determined length after a few months of discontinued usage. Read More »

We knew it was dirty, but can it be blamed for the rise in oral herpes?!

Get sexy cleavage. Rar.

Get Michelle Obama’s style.

The Bachelor defends his douchey decision.

And the new Bachelorette is revealed. Ooooo!

Usher is not a Chris Brown fan.

Got a lot of friends? You’re gonna be rich!

At Purdue, cheaters never prosper.

Denim jackets are baaaaack.

Hollywood’s most unpleasant celebrities.

Jennifer Aniston is over the Botox.

Cutest wellies ever.

The Botox and face-injecting craze has gone too far in Hollywood, and possibly in your own dermatologist’s chair. It seems like a super idea when you’re under the bright light and the doc has you mesmerized about all the ways she can make you look “better.” Listen up ladies, everyone knows where those wrinkles once outlined your mouth, so stop trying to hide them.

Botox is the second most popular prescription drug, after Viagara, and women have become addicted to the procedure. Lisa Rinna, former Melrose Place star, told In Touch that after seeing pictures of herself she realized she has gone “too far” with her surgical procedures. Ya think? She looks like a mannequin who can’t smile or blink. Freak! We all know the other celebs who are rumored to have the procedure done frequently, like Cher, Sly Stallone, Courtney Cox, Joan Rivers, Nicole Kidman, and the list goes on and on and on.

Caution: There are dangers out there! Botox isn’t something that should be debated over mildly. Here a few facts to help you in your debate to be stuck with the needle or not.

• In a recent study, an active Botox toxin was injected into rats and after 72 hours the toxin was found in the rats’ brain. This is scary, especially since the toxin broke down proteins and caused damage in the brain!
• The same toxin injected in the rats, botulinum toxin, has been found in humans who receive Botox injections and it spread to other parts of the body which has resulted in paralysis of respiratory muscles and difficulty swallowing.
• Please know that the side effects have been reported as early as one day and as late as several weeks after treatment.
• There were 16 deaths prior to January 2008. Enough said.
• There are also minor side effects, like dizziness, rashes, bruising, tiredness, headache, stiffness, etc.
• Do not rush into any decisions. Have a consultation with the dermatologist and then go home and think about the procedure. Do your research!

Hef’s new twins sure love their self-tanner

…And his third girlfriend is still in college!

Britney can’t drive

“Kids”, listen to Diddy!

Courtney Cox loves her forehead too much

Hermione checks out Hahhhvahhrd

Sting loves this chick — I am jealous

Angie got a “Mommy Tuck“?

LaBeouf and ‘douche’ don’t exactly rhyme, but…

Who cares about this chick?

Alien baby or not, she sure is cute.

Movies so bad they’re…real?

Admit it, you want a Theremin!

Tonight’s episode of The Hills was similar to one they have at least once a season. You know – nothing happens, but the episode is still necessary to begin building up the drama that will come next week. It’s OK, though; the episode wasn’t a total loss:

Heidi finally admitted to spreading the sex tape rumor!

“I said things out of anger that I didn’t mean.”

We got you, Montag. I knew it was you all along. Obviously, I know that evil Spencer coerced you into doing it, but I could always tell you were lying about having no part in it (which was difficult considering the fact that your face doesn’t move anymore, and, therefore, your “expressions” are hard to read). Read More »

Friday is back at last. And we are happy. Why? Because we have no life until school starts again and for once – thanks to the Olympic games – it is totally acceptable to sit home on a Friday night. Eating Moo Shu. With our hands.

We do have a lot in store for the weekend. First up, a shopping trip to pick up the essentials: a sex machine, some not-so-slutty party clothes, some ingredients to woo that dude we met at Yoga (yes, he is a bit shorter than us, but he looks so good in Child’s Pose) and a little trip for Botox to fill in all those trouble spots from that trip to Vegas. (It was siiiiick.)

Then we have to plan that Welcome Week party and, seriously, just making the guest-list is a pain. Let’s just hope our ex doesn’t show up, cuz you know once that margarita hits our lips we won’t be able to keep our hands off him. (And we have to cuz according to Facebook, he’s got a new bitch.)

After that, it’s a Sunday filled with Disney movies, election coverage and, of course, scoping out the hotties at the Olympics.

TGIF. Enjoy it, ladies.