Yesterday was a very sad day for college students around the globe. Thomas Angove, inventor of boxed wine, died at the age of 92. Was it a coincidence that he chose Boxed Wine Wednesday to make his departure? I think not. The man was devoted to his life’s work until the end.

So today, to pay homage to this visionary, we at CollegeCandy are going to pour one out (Franzia Sunset Blush, of course) for Thomas Angove and take a moment to reflect on the contribution he made to society. Boxed wine has changed all of our lives for the better. Here are 5 reasons we will never forget you, Tommy:

5. It’s Portable
Have you ever tried sneaking bottles of wine into a campus library for a late night study party? What? Oh, right, me either. But someone told me it’s impossible to get past those angry librarians with those bottles clankin’ around back there. Boxes don’t clank. They also have a handy carrying strap, making them the ultimate in drinking portability.

4. It’s Easy to Open
Even if you can find a bottle opener in your dingy, disgusting college kitchen, do you even know how to use it? You stick it in, start twisting, break out in a sweat, pull on the thing too early and break the cork. Then you’re either left with floaters in your wine or, oh the horror, no wine at all because half the cork is still wedged in there. But with boxed wine? Just turn on the spout and you’re good to go.

3. It’s Versatile
Set that sucker up in the fridge for on-the-spot wine tastings, put it out on the table for classier affairs, or throw the bag in your purse for wine when you need it.

2.You Can Wear It
What do you do after you’ve killed a box of wine? You put it on your head. And it’s funny, because you’ve just drank an entire box of wine.

1. You can Slap the Bag
Have you ever heard someone scream “Slap the Bottle”? I think not.

Now let us all reach into our boxes of wine and slap the bag for Thomas Angove.

But wait! There is good news. Finally, something to be excited about on a sad, sad Wednesday morning:

Happy Endings.

Yeah, you read that right. And no, I am not talking about a giant piece of carrot cake (with extra frosting) after a great meal. I am talkin’ about happy endings. You know; the kind that every man dreams of when he goes in for a massage. Those infamous acts that are quite popular in East Asia.

I am talking about ORGASMS, people. Orgasms that you don’t have to get dressed up for. Orgasms that you don’t have to wear heels for. Or work for. Or bat your eyelashes for.

Orgasms you can just….order.

While Happy Endings have been quite popular for men for centuries, they have been hard to come by for the ladies. (Note: Not because women are harder to…happy end?) Perhaps it has always been more taboo for a woman to simply want/need an orgasm (like men), or maybe we could just never find someone who was willing to do it, but spas offering this “service” to women were hard to find.

Not anymore. At least for some lucky bitches in NY. Rumors have been circulating (and confirmed) that there are now spas in NY that (discreetly…you have to ask the right questions) are offering women a special stress relieving package. (Editor’s Note: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Ayooooo!)

Talk about female empowerment! An orgasm without the work? An orgasm without having to rely on a boyfriend/mate? An orgasm without the stigma of being a whore for going home with someone? The ability to fill an innate need just like men do? These Happy Ending spas may finally close the gaping gender gap that has existed for centuries!

Or, this could just be an awesome way to spend a Saturday at the spa: mani, pedi, facial, O.

Sign. Me. Up.

[Photo courtesy of bestofbanff.com]