Well, it looks like Whitney didn’t need our advice after all. Seems like everything is perfect in her world. She’s got the job, the apartment, the friends and the man. She’s even got Diane Von Freaking-Furstenburg playing with her hair!

Totally unfair.

But Whitney isn’t 100% perfect. In fact, tonight’s episode proved to me that Whitney is actually a real person. You know you/your friends have done and said the same exact things as her when dealing with a dude who just wouldn’t commit:

“We need to take a step back and decide what we want to do.”

“It’s my life and my time and he doesn’t own me or my time.”

Yes, Whitney – convince yourself that this whole “we’re not official” thing is mutual and that you both have to decide what you want. Convince everyone else that you are still looking around for a spark with someone else. We all know that the “we” in that statement means “Jay,” and that you want nothing more than for that bearded Australian to own both you and your time.

I didn’t think you’d succeed. Not tonight at least. Not after you looked to your dear friend Erin for man advice. Erin, the girl who has never had a relationship with someone in the same zip code. Erin, who shoved her man into a cab before he could even finish telling her that he wanted to move to the same city as her. Yeah, she seems like the one with all the answers.

And then you tried and make Olivia Palermo (and America) believe that you weren’t going to play that whole lunch-date-with-the-boring-financial-guy thing against Jay to get him to finally commit. You threw that information out before your ass hit the seat and you stuck your hands in the bowl of complimentary tortilla chips!

Although I have to say: well played, Port. Well played, indeed. One awkward lunch with a dude from work and you have Jay, a bottle of wine and a romantic makeout sesh in front of your floor-to-ceiling windows.

I tried it once and all I got was a late night text telling me my guy chose his ex gf (who was still in high school) over me. But then again, I am no Whitney Port. DVF wants nothing to do with my hair. Hell, I can’t even afford her dress on clearance!

I have to say, though, I am a little disappointed in how quickly all the pieces fell into place for Ms. Port and The City. Partly because I want her life (and wardrobe) and will never get it, partly because it sets a bad example for girls getting ready to move into the real world, and mostly because the Jay drama was the only real thing happening on the show.

What is everyone (and I mean everyone) going to talk about now? Every conversation starts with, “How are things with Jay?” Will MTV turn the show into 15 minutes instead of 30? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I have watched you since the first season of The Hills and now on The City, so it’s kinda safe to say that I know you, or at least the parts of your life that are shown on MTV. I was there for the big transition to life in NYC and it looks like have navigated life in the big city pretty well so far: you’ve found your dream apartment, you have your dream job, and, of course, you got your “dream boy.”

Well, that’s why I’m writing. As a loyal and caring fan, I would like to give you the guy advice that Lauren would have given you if you hadn’t left her to get your own show work for DVF. Only I won’t be as harsh or bitchy as her. And my mascara won’t run all over my face when we start crying and hugging and loving each other again.

You are being naive, Whit. Or maybe you are just so in love with Jay that you’re blind. I understand that he is cute, he dedicates songs to you (awww) and has an Australian accent; I would probably melt too. So whats the problem, you may ask.

See, the thing is, dear, Jay seems to be playing you. (Ok, he’s TOTALLY playing you.) He’s seeing other girls apart from you. But it’s not like you didn’t know this already from Alex, that model guy you met but ditched for Jay (who I will gladly take for my very own). Yes, I get that you may not believe Alex because you may think that he’s trying to ruin it for you after you unceremoniously ignored him when Jay came around. But trust him this time. Then pass him my number.

Remember when you confronted Jay about Alex’s accusations and he said that he was going to call that Danielle chick (that was her name, right?) that he was supposedly with, but you wouldn’t let him make the call? Shoulda let him call, girlfriend. Should have let him call. Then we wouldn’t be having this awkward conversation.

I won’t tell you to break up with Jay, because you seem head-over-heels in love with him already (and then your show will be even more boring). My advice is that you be careful, because even though that “social ” bitch, Olivia, seems to be bashing Jay so she can have him all for herself, she may actually have a point.

When you do sit down and watch the episodes of your show, you will see that I am right about Jay. You will also notice that those fringy bootie things you sometimes wear are really ugly. When that time comes, I will be here with the tubs of ice cream and the tissues….and some basic flats.

So be careful for now. I’ll be watching.

Sincerely yours,

Mazuba