Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@CollegeCandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I recently graduated from college and moved back home because I got a job offer. Around the time college was ending, I was casually seeing this new guy. We currently live about three hours away from each other and are in very different situations; I have moved back in with my parents and have a serious job, whereas he still lives with roommates and works hard but parties a lot harder.

The status of our relationship is very unclear. At first, I just wanted things to be casual…a sort of “I’ll see ya when I see ya and we’ll do it” type of deal. But now we talk every day and he’ll say things like “I miss you,” which are not very casual activities. Every time I try to pull out of the situation he insists that “I’m his girl” and we should just see where it goes. I know where it’s going….nowhere!! We live too far and I’m afraid that his party boy ways are just too much for me to handle. I’m constantly worrying that he’s going to find another girl and is just keeping me on the back burner.

How do I tell him that he needs to commit or let me go? He says we don’t know each other well enough to commit but doesn’t want to let me go because he insists we’re building a new relationship. Am I just being played for a fool?

— Not So Casual

Dear Not So Casual,

You say: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” I love you for this.

Girl, you know exactly what’s going on. I am absolutely sure that you are just writing to me for confirmation. And I’m gonna give it to you:

Boy doesn’t know what he wants. Well, he does. But he won’t admit it.

What he wants is to have a comfortable but not serious relationship with you, all the while having the freedom of hooking up with whoever he wants. He really does like you, but he’s not sure if he loves you, and he wants to keep you around in case he decides, after sowing his wild oats and shoop, that he does. This is not an unusual guy thing. I mean, it’s basically The Male Dream. And, hey, it’s totally fine if that’s what you want too.

But it’s clearly not what you want. You guys are branching off into different paths. You’re starting your career, and you’re ready to start your adult life. He wants…to still be in college. I don’t think telling him you want him to commit or get off the pot is going to work out. He’s just gonna keep telling you what he’s already told you.

And that’s because, well, he’s actually being quite honest with you. He IS building a new relationship with you–just not the kind you want. He DOES like you a whole lot–just not enough to give up his partying.

My advice to you is to tell this guy you like him but you’re not interested in a long-distance casual relationship. (And I’m with you, girl–what the floop is the point of the agony of an LDR if it’s not even likely to work out?! Not fun AND not sustainable–and therefore, not cool.)

He’ll probably be really bummed out and try to keep convincing you to “just see where it goes.” But, like you said: “I know where it’s going….nowhere!!” (SERIOUSLY. I love this. Totally why I chose this question. It should be SOOOOO many people’s mantra.)

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently a single freshman girl in college.  Coming to college, there was a ton of stuff to be excited about.  But like most single freshman girls I had one things on my mind: COLLEGE BOYS.  I came here with the mentality that I was going to meet a bunch of boys, have some fun, and just play the field.  While that plan worked flawlessly for a while, I have now found myself in a rather sticky situation.

I was talking to a boy all summer long, and I really started to like him.  Over summer he was in a different state, so we could only communicate electronically. He goes to a private school in the same town as my university, so naturally in the fall we started hanging out all the time.  I was really starting to like this boy, and so I decided to ask him to accompany me to my sister’s wedding.  My family loved him and we had a great time, but after the wedding my feelings for him kind of started dwindling.  I texted him a little less and made our sleepovers a lot less frequent.

All the while, I had other boys on the side.  Cute boy in my building, boy from out of town, boy from the gym (I’m still single after all). So my point is that even when I really liked this boy, he wasn’t the only one in my life.

So jump to a few weeks later, when the fire alarm in the library goes off.  All of us studious college kids had to pack up our things and stand outside the lib until they let us back in.  While standing outside, this very cute boy starts talking to me.  We get caught up in conversation and eventually realize we have one of the same classes, which sparks an exchange of phone numbers.

After our first encounter and number exchange, we start hanging out quite a bit.  And the weirdest thing happens; I have NO desire to hangout with or hookup with any of those other sideline boys.

The problem is that I do not now how to handle the boys that I have left in the dust.  Summer boy is the hardest, because although I’ve told him I need space, I haven’t told him about the library boy (who has all of my attention and affections).  I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he’s still really into me, and I also don’t want to lose him as a friend. So I have basically been ignoring him, and that’s not right.  Another problem: what if library boy screws me over and I’ve burned bridges with all the old boys?  Tuffy, I just don’t know what  to do… HELP ME !

Always,
The Overwhelmed Freshman

Dear Freshman,

This email really rubs Tuffy the wrong way.

Flighty flighty flighty. Which, actually, at your age, is fine. You are more than free to date as many guys as you want.

But worrying about dating this guy you actually*[see next paragraph] like just because you worry that you’ll have “burned bridges with all the old boys” is really The Skank. These are PEOPLE, sweetheart. They are not toys you can put on the shelf till you’re ready to play with them again. These are real live individuals who may want to get on with their own lives if they’re given the decency of being told you’ve lost interest.

*[How the hell do you know you actually like this guy?! GEEZ. You thought you actually liked that summer guy too! I mean--BLARG!!!]

Okay, maybe Aunt Tuffy is being a little harsh. I get it. You want to play around, but now you’re ready to be in a relationship for a while. Totally cool. By all means, hang out with Library Boy to your little heart’s content.

However, you then DEFINITELY have to tell Summer Boy. Summer Boy is so into you or whatever you said, okay?! And there’s nothing wrong with him; your feelings have just cooled. So why the floop are you stringing him along?! Tell him you just want to be friends, or tell him you’ve moved on. One or the other. You can’t keep letting this poor guy, who has been nothing but sweet to you, think he’s got a chance when you’re off chewing cud in greener pastures.

And as for the other guys–who gives a shoop?! YOU certainly don’t!!! Send them a text or something saying “I’m seeing someone.” SO not a big deal, but you ought to let them know. You know, out of common courtesy.

Speaking of which, I just hope to shoop that Summer Boy knew about Various Side Boys. Because it is REALLLLLY flooped up of you if he didn’t. And, frankly, you kind of make it sound like he didn’t, especially since you can’t even think of how to tell him about Library Boy now.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again, apparently): IT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE TO DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE, BUT ONLY IF THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS use condoms!!!!!!! The more partners you have, the more at risk you are and the more risk you put on any other partners present and future. USE CONDOMS. Look, Freshman. Do everyone a favor. Break it off clean with all your past flings, including Summer Boy, and move forward and have a nice and honest relationship with Library Boy. Don’t be a jerk. Boys are people too.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

Question for La Tuff?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for answerindos.*

*Offer does not apply on already discounted answers.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Please help me. My name is Rob and I really wish I had a girlfriend. I try asking girls at parties and get turned down left and right.

I think I might just be incredibly ugly looking or something. The worst part is I have a lot of respect for girls and would never hurt a girl.

I don’t know what to do. I’m going to die alone. Please help.

Rob

Dear Rob,

Oh my God, Rob. Are you serious with this? Are you really going to make me get medieval on your shoop?  SIGHHHHH. Okayyyyy. But you asked for it.

Rob, you fool. You’re not going to die alone.

I don’t know if you’re ugly. You didn’t include a snapshot. And, anyway, Tuffy ain’t no Hot or Not biznatch. But, Rob, Robert, Robby. It’s this ugly lack of confidence that’s gotten you into this girlfriendless pickle.

You know, this is especially timely. Valentine’s Day just passed and a lot of Tuffy’s friends are in a funk. They say, “Tuffy, why didn’t I have a Valentine? Why didn’t anyone send me flowers? Why am I buying up sale candy like chocolate is going extinct?” I say, honeys, it’s because of this (Rob, listen up):

Nobody’s gonna love you if you are down on yourself. Maybe an abusive asshoop will pretend to love you or become obsessed with you so that he can manipulate and control you. But no one is going to love you.

But, Rob and honeys, that is not because no one is ever going to love you! Unless you are a total asshoop yourself, there will be someone (probably many someones) who will fall in love with you for the right reasons, because you are a sweetheart, or because you’re a great friend, or for any number of the reasons that make you you.

Got news, Rob et al: NO ONE CAN SEE YOUR GOOD TRAITS IF YOU’RE WHINING THAT NO ONE LOVES YOU.

So, my advice: Take a breather. Forget about looking for a girlfriend, Rob. Stop asking out every girl you see (because, boy, that ain’t flattering to no one). Don’t just out everything with a hooha–that is a sure way to constant rejection. Take part in activities you enjoy, and meet girls casually that way. Only ask them out AFTER you’ve gotten to know them. When you are genuinely interested in someone because you genuinely click, chances are they’ll be interested in you too.

Don’t get down on yourself, kid. Just stop whining and start listening.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question for our dear friend Tuffinski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and just maybs, just maybs, get a response.

Dear Tuffy Love,

I have a major crush on my RA. I know it’s wrong and the chances of something happening are almost zero, but I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings. He is super hot and funny and sweet and sooo cool. The problem is (other than the fact that he’s my RA) that he’s a senior and I’m only a freshman. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between acting on my feelings and pretending they don’t exist.

I have a huge fear of rejection and I’m afraid of getting hurt and awkwardness. But it’s come to the point where I want to do something. I want to know if he feels the same way even a little. But I don’t even know how to go about approaching him about it. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? He does seem to give me preferential treatment over the other residents, but that could mean nothing. Help!

-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Tuffy feels for you. You know, once upon a time Aunt Tuffy was a shy little freshman with tender feelings too.

Wait, no I wasn’t. But I had some friends like that. So here goes.

So let’s say, as a freshman, you’re 18. He, as a senior, is maybe 21. No big deal. Age is so not a factor here. Maybe maturity, but maybe not.

Girl, you gotta get over that “fear of rejection.” No one likes being rejected. It’s not pleasant. But it’s far from the worst thing in the world.

Make a list for yourself: What are the worst possible scenarios that could come out of asking him to go see a movie? Tuffy bets they’re pretty minor. Okay, so maybe you’re embarrassed for a week. So what? Someone’s got to make the first move! Guys ask girls out all the time. You gotta allow yourself to have that same courage.

I would strongly advice AGAINST, however, asking him if he likes you, or anything like that. And for osh kosh b’gosh sake, don’t try to immediately make him your boyfriend. That, for sure, will get you shot down. Instead, why not say, “Hey, [name of hot RA], you wanna go grab dinner?” Or maybe, “Hey, [name of hot RA], I remember you said you liked [something he likes]–I heard there’s [event having to do with what he likes that you researched to find out about]; wanna go with me?”

Be cool and he will think you’re cool. Seriously. Just have confidence–aren’t you cool? Aren’t you fun? Aren’t you good at things? Then why is it silly to think he might want to get to know you better?

Your fear of rejection is stupid and will make you miss out on some great things if you don’t banish it now. Sorry, girl–rejection isn’t a fear that some people have, it’s a reality that everyone has to face. So face it and go make a date with your hot RA!

Best of luck!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Tuv,

So there’s this guyyyyy (isn’t that how all of these emails start out?).  I reconnected with someone from high school in the beginning of the summer.  We hung out (and hooked up) a few times before he had to go back to school for the summer.  At first my mindset was, “Ok, we had a fun summer fling, maybe I’ll see him when he gets back.”   And at the time, I was totally OK with the idea.

About a week after he left, he started texting me every once in a while.  Then all of a sudden, there was a flurry of communication between us where he said he’d try to sneak out of school one day to see me, and visit again on the 4th.  Since these encounters he’s sent me some pretty cute texts about how he can’t wait to see me, hoping I’m free on such and such day so he can visit, etc.  This seems like a lot of effort just for some booty. I’m just not sure how to classify this relationship, and whether getting emotionally attached would end up hurting me at the end of the summer. And I HATE HATE HATE having “the talk”; is there any way to get some answers without it?

Thanks,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

No.

Well, okay, yes, kind of. You could ask to visit him at school for a weekend. If he’s up for it, go up there and feel it out. If he introduces you to all his little college buddies and takes you to see the campus sights, he’s probably interested. If he just wants to hook up (or if he totally balks at the idea of you visiting in the first place), he’s probably not.

The thing is, Anonymous, guys are actually very easy to understand. The problem is that women (like you, like me) are harda*ses about asking them.

Men are not like women. Women, you know, we want the guy (or the other girl) to guess. We want our partners to understand us without telling them. (You like my little stand-up routine? This is starting to feel like some stand-up comic from the immediately-post-Jerry Seinfeld days. Bear with me, I gots a point.) If you ask a guy a question point-blank, howevs, they will usually tell you the answer. Guys aren’t usually interested in shrouding themselves in mystery. They may do some dumb things, but you gotta hand it to them for their general straightforwardness.

This, of course, does not include dudes that are super shady, in which case some part of you probably knows it and, let me tell you girl, you should stay away stay away stay AWAY!!! (How you like me now, crazy exboyfriend?!)

Anywho, the best way to find out is just to ask. I know you don’t like the talk, but it doesn’t have to be awkward! Just do it in person, over either drinks or ice cream or hamburgers, whatever he likes best. Keep it light and friendly, and be okay with either answer, and it should be totally fine.

You gotta be smoov, girl. That’s right. I said smoov.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

So you met a boy. A perfect boy. A boy who loves True Life marathons and Frosted Mini Wheats as much as you do. A boy who kissed you on the cheek after walking you home and took your number (instead of drunk-friending you on Facebook). You totally heart him.

After coming in the house and telling your roommates all about how sweet and funny and “OMG he was wearing the hottest jeans,” you lay in bed thinking about him. And make a mental note to get a bikini wax ASAP, because you will most definitely be seeing him (in the buff) sometime soon.

You spend the next day clutching your phone, willing it to ring. You take it to the library, the gym and even into the bathroom. You jump every time the phone rings and mentally prepare yourself to turn on the charm, only to realize it’s a friend or, of course, your mom. Finally, you receive a text message:

Hungover in the library. Not fun

OMG OMG OMG. You run – no, skip – to your friend and show her the text.

“Aw, he totally hearts you!” She says. You blush, excited that someone else thinks this is a good thing, too.

“What should I say back?!” You spend the next 10 minutes crafting the perfect response: witty and cute without looking like you spent 10 minutes coming up with it.

You should try hungover on a treadmill.

You hit send then sit with your friend as you wait for a response. A few minutes go by. Then another few minutes. You start getting impatient, worried.

“What if he meant to send that to someone else? I know he’s got his phone with him – why isn’t he responding? Do you think he thinks I’m an alcoholic? I shouldn’t have responded so quickly. Oh god, he hates me.”

Your friend reassures you that you are being crazy, that he wouldn’t have texted you if he hated you and that he’s probably just doing something else. But you don’t believe her; she has to say those things. You want chocolate.

Finally, the familiar text alert rings from your phone. You flip it open quickly and there’s a message from the boy.

This is bad enough. I wish someone would bring me a Gatorade.

“What do you think that means?!” You ask your friend. “Does he want me to bring him a Gatorade? Should I be cute and bring him a Gatorade? What flavor do you think he likes? If there was a winky or smiley face I’d know he was asking me to bring him one…”

“Yeah, if there was a wink I’d think that would mean he’s asking you. Maybe he’s just making small talk.”  Your friend reasons. You IM another friend, give her a brief summary of what’s going on (including what the texts said word for word) and ask her opinion. She agrees that it’s small talk, that you should not go visit him with a variety of Gatorade flavors and that he’s just being cute and chatty with you.

“Yeah. Ok, what should I say back?” You spend another few minutes (longer than you usually spend answering a Blue Book question) working on a response. It is the perfect blend of flirty and cute, topped off with a smiley (obvs).

And then you wait for his response once again.
This goes on all day: read, evaluate (“do you think he really LOLed?”), contemplate, respond.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. You’re not the only one trying to decode the boys.

The parents have not revealed their two-year-old child’s gender to anyone, save for a few close relatives who have changed its diaper. Their goal is to enable the child, called “Pop” in the media, to be raised in a liberal environment devoid of the limits of the social construct known as gender identity.  No “pretty girl” or “big boy” here – Pop is only referred to by its name, and has never learned gender pronouns like “his” or “hers.”

But it gets even more bizarre. You’d think the parents would be hell-bent on raising the kid to be androgynous, since wearing pretty dresses and big boy overalls are felonious acts in the crime family of gender stereotyping.  Instead, the parents choose to give Pop “girl” hair cuts and clothing on occasion, and other times Pop will wear “boy ” hair cuts and clothing.

To me, this action in particular corrupts their whole plan. I can support parents who want their child to be raised with the freedom to become whomever he or she wants to be, but if you’re going to dress the child in boy and girl clothing, you’re only going to confuse the kid. Strangers will remark to the parents on the street, “What a beautiful daughter! How old is she?” or “What a handsome young man!” causing Pop to stress about the concept of gender that his/her parents are working so hard to minimize.

Also, what happens when the kid goes to school?  What bathroom does Pop use? Pop will eventually have to get a driver’s license or some form of government ID, or, I don’t know, look down and see his/her genitalia. Will the parents stage a protest? Put that kid on pant-removal lockdown?

Somehow I think Pop may not turn out quite as well as his/her parents are hoping. What do you think? At what point does an experiment like this go too far?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m probably the least experienced person I know. Here’s a secret: I may have been kissed before but it was one of those sexless pecs so no real love there. I feel really awkward. I’ve had plenty of boyfriends but I’m really shy about sex. None of them has even gotten close. I’m only a freshmen in college but I’ve been here a while and have had opportunities to hook up ( I try however to avoid alcohol so some parties I won’t go to).

Anyway I was hoping to hook up with my crush but I don’t think I could tell him I like him or anything really. We hang out in groups a lot but I want to know how can I tell if he likes me? And if he does, how to confess?

Sincerly,

VERY Shy

Dear VERY Shy,

First of all, honey, be safe, please. Always use condoms EVERY TIME, no matter what. Okay? Got it? For real. It’s not worth the risk, EVER.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way:

If you wanna lose your V card to him, then you should make sure you can talk to him. Trust me, you do NOT want to sleep with him if you can’t even express how you feel.

I think your first step is to get more comfortable with yourself. Not to squeek you out, but masturbation is a really good tool for getting to know yourself sexually. Explore yourself, find out what you like and what you don’t like. Sex will be a whoooooole lot better if you got one half of the equation down. (Hint: You that half.)

Do you have a friend you can talk about sex with? The more you talk about it, the less shy you’ll be. And read up! It’s much less scary when you know the facts. Get thee to a library and check that shiz out. As long as you’re safe, ain’t nothin to be embarassed about. It’s a healthy part of an adult relationship.

But no sleeping with Crush Boy until you can talk to him about it without getting embarassed. If you’re not old enough to talk about it, you’re not old enough to do it. But I think you’re old enough for both.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luvw

Of course, Peter Pans can be fun because they usually act like kids. They like to go out and play and shun anything to do with responsibility and growing up. They can make you feel young too. But isn’t there a point where we’re supposed to grow up? Can’t growing up be fun?

I for one enjoy growing up. And there was nothing more annoying than my ex who was constantly depressed about getting older. When it came to anything involving responsibility, he cringed and said, “why couldn’t I have just stayed in high school forever? Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

Um, no.

I wouldn’t go back to re-live high school if you paid me in cupcakes. I found myself having to coach the ex along in his everyday life, as if he were a child. And I was his mother. And this is exactly what he wanted. He felt comforted having someone direct him and keep him on track.

I tried to convince him of all the awesome-ness of growing up. The things you can do as an adult that you can’t do as a child: go out without asking permission, make and spend your own money however you want, sex, driving, the list goes on and on. But he wasn’t affected. He just wanted to play and refused to be held accountable for his actions.

In order to live with a Peter Pan, you need to be a Wendy. And Wendy I am not. While we all know what happened at the end of the Peter Pan movie, I don’t think most of us have the patience to put up with the immaturity in the meantime. If your boyfriend thinks he’s Peter Pan, I’d fly away for now and just hope that Tinker Bell comes along soon.

On to the drama.

So last night was all about Bailey, who we usually know nothing about. But it’s never been more clear that her marriage is in shambles because of her obsession with her job.

Now at first, when her baby boy Tucker rolled in on a stretcher, I was ready to blame the husband. I mean, was that some kind of desperate and sick attempt to get some attention? Thankfully not, but I wasn’t cool with him blaming Bailey for the whole incident. I mean, dude, sh!t happens. I’m hoping that the healer was able to calm down the marital conflict there.

And while we’re on the subject, the healer woman interested me. I know most people probably thought her energy, shakra mumbo-jumbo was total bull but I wouldn’t write the practice off. Just think about how therapeutic yoga and meditation are — both of which are based upon using the body to increase well-being. It’s deep stuff.

And something even more deep is the Merideth/Derek fiasco. Is it all really coming to an end? Does McDreamy really adore another woman? I seriously doubt that he’s done with Mer Mer; feelings do not just disappear. But I do think he needs to move on and knows it. Merideth is like a dead end. He wants to take their relationship to the next level and she’s too self-involved to go with him. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned how much I can’t stand her. McDreamy wants to marry you!!! Get over yourself. Maybe the healer will rid her of her stone of a heart.

I have a feeling this healing woman is going to be in the next few episodes, which I’m kind of excited about because I need to know what happened to Karev when he was growing up.

The plot thickens.