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Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend is a racist. Not the kind that’s making racist remarks all the time, but he says things that I think are racist and then he says they’re just a joke. But it makes me really uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I’m a racist too because I’m not stopping him.

Should I keep dating my boyfriend? We’ve been together for a year and otherwise I really love him. He’s a really good guy, but when he says things like that I don’t know what to do.

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

Well, you didn’t give any examples, so it’s hard to say. But here’s what Tuffy thinks:

I know it’s painful, but you gotta sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Say, “Tommy (can I call your boyfriend Tommy?), Tommy, I don’t like the things you’re saying about [whatever group he's racist in the general direction of]. Where is this coming from?”

He’ll tell you why he feels that way toward whatever group. Hear him out. Let him say his thing. When he finishes (and really, you have GOT to let him say it all out loud), tell him why it upsets you that he says these things. Explain that you don’t think a group can be judged based on a stereotype (or a single example, or whatever it is that he tells you it’s based on) and that he’s welcome to his opinion, but that you can’t be a part of it and that you would appreciate it if he’d abstain from saying it around you.

And that really may be enough. If it’s just a racist joke here or there, and it’s only slightly racist, maybe you’re able to see it as his one bad quality and just forget about it as long as he keeps it to himself.

HOWEVER, this is only if you’re able to stomach his reason and/or are determined to stay with him. If he says something really awful or disgusting about why he’s racist, or even if he just gets defensive, I really do advise you to get the frog out of that relationship. How can you be with a bigot if you aren’t one yourself? His racism shows a complete lack of personal thought (he’s basing his opinions on someone else’s stereotype or perhaps just what he was told growing up) and a complete disregard for the rights and feelings of others. If this is something that bothers you, go find someone who doesn’t hate others for no reason.

Tuffy would get the frog out. But, girl, in the end, it’s no one’s call but your own.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv