I remember watching Say Anything with my sister when I was a kid and wondering if all men were as sweet as Lloyd Dobbler, standing outside a girl’s house with a boom box over his head. Obviously I had a rude awakening when I got to dating age and realized that high school guys were actually kinda jerks. I never got a big romantic gesture, Valentines, or even a cute note in class.

After meeting Matt in college and falling in love, I realized that those high school boys were still pretty eh, but I also learned that it doesn’t take some grand romantic gesture to be a sweet guy. It’s all the little things Matt does for me that really mean the most.

Last week I was in Wisconsin for my grandpa’s funeral. Since it was such short notice, my mom couldn’t afford to fly Matt up with me so he stayed at home while I was gone for a week. When I finally returned to Texas, I was coming down the elevator at the airport to meet him and he walked up the escalator just so he could give me a kiss and a hug a little bit earlier. He totally swept me off my feet, and with him just being his usual impatient self.

I’ve learned that guys don’t really like the big romantic gestures because most of the time they’re afraid they’ll either: A. screw it up somehow, B. embarrass themselves, C. get rejected, or D. all of the above. So honestly, the big romantic things are pretty rare, and while that means they should still be valued when they DO come along, you have to pay attention and enjoy the smaller things.

I for one love to get the random text at 2 in the afternoon that just says “i love you” when I’ve been having a bad day. It turns my entire day around from crappy to awesome. Or when Matt lets me have the last Dr. Pepper in the fridge. Such a gentlemen! I’ve learned not to expect amazing over-the-top romantic nights from Matt and I’m perfectly happy with that. As women we need to stop putting so much pressure on men to be romantic when just letting them be them can make us so much happier.

Face it, you’re not going to have Lloyd Dobbler standing outside your window every day trying to win you back. Or even your guy buying you flowers and cooking a romantic dinner on a random Thursday night. It’s the little things that count; they really do make me love my boyfriend a little more each day.

Whether it’s just a note left on our chalkboard in the apartment, or when he kisses me on my head when I’m still in bed and he’s off to his 8 o’clock class, the smallest gestures can really show just how much your man loves you and make you think “I have the best boyfriend EVER.”

Who needs some expensive gift when you’ve got that?

Hey Dude,

I’ve done the Friends With Benefits thing, and, to say the least, I’m not cut out for it.  Now I have this amazing guy in my life who I consider my best friend, but I’m confused over how I’m supposed to know if he likes me as in a relationship sense or if he just wants to sleep with me.

He texts me quite often, even if just to say hi or to see what I’m up to, or make sure I’m feeling better when I’m sick.  We’ve gone out before with mutual friends and had a blast.  We’re both more of homebodies, so he comes over to my place now regularly and we hang out.  We’ve made out, but I end it before it goes any further because I don’t want the Friends With Benefits thing to happen.

So, how do I know?!

Thanks,
Confused

Hey Hey Confused,

Tricky situation, but let me Nancy Drew this mystery and break down the facts. First off, the guy wouldn’t text you or care if you’re sick if he just wants to sleep with you. Although texting might seem like a cop-out, in this day and age it’s a perfect vehicle for chatting someone up. Who even uses AIM anymore? Remember those days?

Secondly, it’s really great that you’re not putting out right away. Props. Not only are you protecting yourself and your feelings, but that also proves that he wants something more if he’s sticking around. This has clearly been running it’s course for a while; if he just wanted to get laid he’d have gotten frustrated and given up a long time ago. Guys are simple that way. Sure, we’ll pursue something that we can’t have, but if we’re just looking for a quick lay, there’s not a chance that we’ll text incessantly and baby you if you’re sick.

That sounds like he wants girlfriend material, not a few humps in a twin extra long. And throw a few bonus points to the relationship column if he’s hanging out with you and your friends.

No need to be confused, Confused. It sounds like homeboy is just a bit shy. Maybe you should help him step it up a notch and move the hang-out sessions to your favorite sushi spot instead of your dorm room futon. Or, if he’s not into the whole raw fish thing, you could just have “the talk.” I’m pretty confident he’s feeling the same way you are.

Hope that helps!

– El Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

When I broke up with my last boyfriend I was ecstatic to have my personal time back. It had been a long time since I’d had my own routine and I couldn’t wait to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had grand plans of daily visits to the gym, cooking my weird healthy meals and eating them on the couch while watching marathons of Say Yes To The Dress.

I gained ten pounds during that relationship and while he didn’t care – he loved seeing me in the buff despite the extra junk in my trunk – I was ready to take back the control of my life, shed the extra weight, and hit the single scene with my svelte new frame.

Only the reality was so, so different.

Not only is the single scene rather sad and over-saturated with douche bags, but being single is actually making me fatter!

There is something to be said about having someone around, and not just for the comfort and companionship that comes with a boyfriend. Passing the time with someone else keeps your mind occupied so you’re talking and cuddling and giggling instead of mentally surveying what’s in your fridge. And, not that I care about eating in front of a boy (trust me – I ate a burger and fries in front of some models once), but having anyone around forces me to check myself before I start grazing through the cupboards and housing anything I can get my hands on. Now that I’m alone I’m to my own devices, and apparently those devices involve dipping everything into peanut butter, whether I’m hungry or not.

And forget the gym. Since I don’t have anyone to look good for, I often give in to that fat little devil sitting on my shoulder and trade in Spinning time for catching-up-on-my-DVR time. I keep telling myself I’ll go tomorrow; I have so much free time, why wouldn’t I go? But then I don’t go. I put on sweats, think of things to melt cheese on and retire to the couch for the rest of the night.

The worst culprit, though, is the emotional eating that comes with dating. There is rarely an emotional roller coaster when you’re in a serious relationship. You know how he feels about you, so you’re comfortable and happy. But when you’re single, the emotional ups and downs come daily. You like someone who doesn’t like you back, you see all your friends who are blissfully happy with their own boyfriends, you spend long nights alone and you convince yourself you’re going to be single forever…

And what does that all lead to? Comfort in the form of something creamy, cold and served in a gallon tub. Which you keep eating because there is no one around to stop you. And which you don’t work off because you’re too lazy to get to the gym.

Sigh. I’m stuck in a single rut and I can’t get out. Probably because I’ve gotten too fat to fit through the door. I need motivation. I need self control. I need a padlock on my refrigerator.

I need a… boyfriend?

Email your pressing questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for the chance to get a pressing answer! You dig?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend is a racist. Not the kind that’s making racist remarks all the time, but he says things that I think are racist and then he says they’re just a joke. But it makes me really uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I’m a racist too because I’m not stopping him.

Should I keep dating my boyfriend? We’ve been together for a year and otherwise I really love him. He’s a really good guy, but when he says things like that I don’t know what to do.

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

Well, you didn’t give any examples, so it’s hard to say. But here’s what Tuffy thinks:

I know it’s painful, but you gotta sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Say, “Tommy (can I call your boyfriend Tommy?), Tommy, I don’t like the things you’re saying about [whatever group he's racist in the general direction of]. Where is this coming from?”

He’ll tell you why he feels that way toward whatever group. Hear him out. Let him say his thing. When he finishes (and really, you have GOT to let him say it all out loud), tell him why it upsets you that he says these things. Explain that you don’t think a group can be judged based on a stereotype (or a single example, or whatever it is that he tells you it’s based on) and that he’s welcome to his opinion, but that you can’t be a part of it and that you would appreciate it if he’d abstain from saying it around you.

And that really may be enough. If it’s just a racist joke here or there, and it’s only slightly racist, maybe you’re able to see it as his one bad quality and just forget about it as long as he keeps it to himself.

HOWEVER, this is only if you’re able to stomach his reason and/or are determined to stay with him. If he says something really awful or disgusting about why he’s racist, or even if he just gets defensive, I really do advise you to get the frog out of that relationship. How can you be with a bigot if you aren’t one yourself? His racism shows a complete lack of personal thought (he’s basing his opinions on someone else’s stereotype or perhaps just what he was told growing up) and a complete disregard for the rights and feelings of others. If this is something that bothers you, go find someone who doesn’t hate others for no reason.

Tuffy would get the frog out. But, girl, in the end, it’s no one’s call but your own.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

"I love beer....er... I mean you. I love you."

It’s pretty obvious that couples who share interests get along better. But what about vices? Does a love of trashy reality TV or boozing it up on the weekends make for a stronger pair? Yes, according to a study done by the University of Buffalo. In fact, the happiest couples of all are those with a shared love of hitting the bottle.

Basically, the couple who boozes together, cruises together.

That’s great news to us college students who love drinking almost as much as dating (okay, maybe we love it a little more). But now combining the two is a good thing? This is heaven to our horny, drunk ears. And, when you think about it, it all makes perfect sense:

Alcohol eases tension. What do we all do when we’re having a bad day/fuming mad? Yes, we pour ourselves a drink (then eat a brownie) and suddenly everything feels better. So obviously fights go away quicker in relationships when both couples love a little booze. You start fighting, you start drinking and soon no one remembers what you were fighting about in the first place.

Alcohol makes us tolerant. People are 50 times less annoying when we have a buzz on. The way he chomps on his food may drive you up the wall normally, but with some alcohol in our systems, those little pet peeves aren’t nearly as annoying. They might even be kinda cute (see #5 below).

Alcohol lets us kick back. It’s a known fact that happy couples have to take time to enjoy each other. When the couple is our age we do it a little more often than married couples, but it doesn’t make it any less important. Being able to let loose and have fun together is a vital part of any relationship, and what’s more fun than Jager bombs and a little Miley Cyrus dance party at the bar?

Alcohol makes us friendly. When you’re with someone, you’re with more than just them. And it’s not always easy to get along with everyone in your sig other’s life. But when alcohol’s involved, it’s smooth (drunken) sailing. You love anyone and everyone when you’ve had a few drinks and that includes his annoying fratty friends, his mother, his ex-girlfriend who doesn’t stop calling, and him (even after he forgot your birthday…for the 2nd year in a row).

Alcohol makes us horny. Alcohol not only increases libido, but it increases stamina, too. That means longer and more passionate sex. And that means a much happier couple. Duh.

While signing my life away last year… I mean, my apartment lease… many things crossed my mind:

1)   No more crappy cafeteria food!
2)   Yay for bonding! We’ll be all up in each other’s business all the time.
3)   We’ll have so much in common – we all have boyfriends!

Now this has become two (sorta) truths and a lie. I went from cafeteria food to massive amounts of frozen food shipped from my loving mother. (What can I say? She refused to let me live on Ramen.) And being all up in each other’s business turned out to be more than I bargained for. Think assigned chores, paying rent, and dealing with cockroaches when we moved in (still makes me shudder!). And as you may have already guessed, the boyfriend and I broke up. So that leaves (put your hands up!) a single, independent woman who apparently makes references to Beyonce songs when she talks about herself.

Yes, I’m single and living with three other girls in relationships.

At first it wasn’t such a big deal, but after welcome week ended and classes began, the boyfriends became frequent fixtures in the apartment. Or maybe I just started noticing then because I was no longer intoxicated… But I digress. Soon I started wondering how I’d deal with their constant presence for the rest of the year. Don’t get me wrong – roommate love abounds in our apartment. I look forward to Project Runway marathons and love notes via whiteboard. And we are proud to say that the rapidly expanding empty bottle collection atop the kitchen cabinets will no doubt qualify for the 8^th wonder of the world soon.

But it can get a little frustrating. I can no longer walk around half-dressed while getting ready. I’m not that self-conscious, but having your roommate’s boyfriend right there makes walking around in a towel a bit uncomfortable. And, while I’m definitely not the type of girl to get dolled up every time I’m around some guys, it gets tiresome to have to put on real clothes, brush my hair, and put in the contacts because the boyfs are around (because no matter his relationship status, chances are he has some cute, single friends, right?).

And if I’m playing music and dancing around (not in my underwear like the old days before the boyfriends moved in), I feel compelled to change up my musical selections when the guys arrive since “Party in the USA” apparently doesn’t appeal to the brethren… Who knew?

Being surrounded by couples is a dangerous position to be in. You never know when you’re going to walk in on something “in progress.” In fact, with the overwhelming amount of PDA happening in my living room/kitchen, it’s impossible not to. There is love and kisses and foot rubbing (ew, seriously?) happening everywhere I turn.

But ultimately, my one complaint and biggest pet peeve about my current sitch comes back to the ladies themselves. There is always the ever-present dilemma of who to hang out with: boyfriends, friends/roommates, or both? And somehow I always end up losing out. I distinctly remember being there for these girls while they were lonely and longing for a boy. I recall trying to decipher his ambiguous text messages when they first started dating. And I am now trying to cope with the fact that the next time we will spend real quality time (sans the men) together is when they’re blowing their noses into my shoulder while telling me what a good friend I am because I’m driving us on an emergency ice cream run at 2am the night they get dumped.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy that they’re happy. And I’m also quite happy in my current single-dom. And there are even some bright spots to all this: since my roommates are with their bfs pretty consistently, I can bring friends back to the apartment at wee hours of the morning without worrying about waking anyone up. And since my roommates are way past the dating scene, they always enjoy hearing my exciting, hilarious, or terrible dating escapades.

But I miss my single friends. I miss hearing their stories. I miss having spontaneous impromptu late-night parties with the new dudes we meet at a party. I miss the girls-only morning-after recaps.

The only thing I’m not really missing is my own boyfriend…

[Photo courtesy of moviecritic.com]

Which family will we be dining with!?

With Halloween over and done with and Christmas decorations lining hte aisles of my local CVS, it can only mean one thing: holiday season has begun.

But along with the amazingness that is Thanksgiving and Christmas, comes with one big question:

Where the heck am I going to spend the holidays this year?!?!!

With my awesome boyfriend came an awesome family, and they’ve really welcomed me as one of their own. Fortunately, his mom made the question of “Where am I spending Thanksgiving?” easy. She got tickets for herself, her older son, Matt, and myself to go see the Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving day! It’s our early Christmas present and it’s a dream come true for my boyfriend. I mean come on, he’s a guy who grew up in Texas; going to see his favorite team in the new behemoth that is Cowboy’s Stadium is the best Christmas present ever.

So now that I have one holiday checked off my list, what to do about Christmas? While it might seem like a simple answer – we’ve already done one holiday with his family, now it’s time to do one with mine – it’s actually quite tricky. With Matt’s parents divorced we have three options: spend it with my family, spend it with his dad and his family, or spend it with his mom and her family. All 3 are in different states, all three would mean missing out on others, and most would involve one of us meeting the other’s extended family.

Yikes.

So what’s a girl to do? This is all new territory for me and anyone who’s in a serious enough relationship to want to spend the holidays together and adopt one another into their families. I never thought that when I got myself a long term boyfriend I’d have to start sacrificing my holiday traditions or missing out on major family time. I love Matt and his family, but part of me wants to go back to being a kid and go home to my traditions – eating dinner with my family, opening presents with my family, actually seeing my family for the first time in months…

I know this is all just a part of growing up, but I’m really torn. I’ve never spent any major holiday away from my parents, but flying back to see them would cost the two of us almost $600! Is it worth it when we have the option of going somewhere cheaper? But then again, is it fair to keep visiting the BF’s family when mine hasn’t seen us?

Is it time that Matt and I both move past our childhood traditions and start our own?

I’m not sure what to do, but I’m going to have to figure it out fast. It’s already November and the cost of plane tickets just keeps creeping higher and higher. And the fact that Matt and I couldn’t even figure out what to do on Halloween (his friends were having a party, my friends were having a party…) isn’t leaving me much hope that we’ll come to a conclusion anytime soon.

Sigh.
Who knew holidays with a boyfriend would take so much work?!

Anybody else out there with fuzzy holiday plans?

I’m gonna make a bold statement right now:

I got some serious game.

I know that sounds incredibly cocky, but it’s actually quite the opposite. You see, until about two years ago I was the girl who sat on the sidelines and watched as all my friends flirted with and won over the very boys I wanted for myself. I was essentially the hook-up water boy, holding everyone’s cocktails when they went to the bathroom and checking to make sure no one had anything in their teeth.  I accepted my role and went on with my life thinking I wasn’t pretty or skinny or perfect enough to be seen as anything more than the girl best friend.

But then something happened. I had a one-night stand with a boy who everyone wanted and – like that – everything changed. I started walking with a little swagger in my step, approaching anyone and everyone I wanted and suddenly I had developed my game winning moves.

I’m not kidding, if there were a Hall-of-Fame for pick-up lines, I’d be its first inductee.

So, after luring in my own men and playing professional wingman to all of my friends (I advise them on making a move and they pay me back with vodka-on-the-rocks), someone who has benefited from my work countless times finally convinced me to share my secrets with the world. If you can master these few little tips, you can win over any guy, any time.

[Now, just so you know, playing the game isn't just for ladies looking for some late night nookie. It's for those of you crushing on a guy and looking for something longer term, too.]

To begin with, I just want to say that no one is going to fall in love with you if you don’t show them there’s something to love. And I’m not talking about your nipples, honey. I’m talking about your confidence. If you sit back or do the wallflower thing, you will not lure in the hottie from Chem. But if you do whatever it is you do that makes you feel really good/hot/confident (for me it’s black eyeliner, straight hair and a great pair of jeans) and approach a guy with ease, he will be like putty in your hands.

Yeah, you have to approach him. Or you could wait for him to notice you in your group of 12 friends, think of a way to bust open the circle you guys are standing in and come up with something to say to  you. Seriously, just think of something witty and walk over there.

Ok, so you’re standing next to him. Now what do you say?
I have a few tried-and-true lines that get the conversation flowing every. single. time.

- “Whatcha drinkin?” – Easiest line in the book. (Hm, maybe I should write a book!) He’ll tell you, he’ll ask you what you’re drinking, you’ll start some conversation about how the bar always waters down their drinks, soon your drinks will be empty and he’ll be buying you a new one. Boom.

- [Squeeze in next to him at the bar while you battle for drinks] “I think we should work together. How about you try and lure the girl bartender and I’ll use my cleavage to try and get the dude.” Not only are you being cute and openly flirty, but you got him to notice your sex appeal without really asking for it. Plus, teamwork always fosters flirtation and witty banter will follow. I promise you that.

- Bring up something relevant. So, if he’s standing against the wall at a party, say something cute like, “You know the party is more fun if you actually talk to people.” If he’s on the dance floor gettin’ his groove on, compliment his moves. If you run into him at the party store, comment on what he’s buying and ask him where the party’s at. Yes, it all seems cheesy, but these lines get the convo started without making you look dumb/desperate/cliche.

And that is that. All you need is a little self-love, a few witty lines (which, by the way, I use over and over again. The guys won’t know how many times you’ve tried them before!) and you’re good to go. Once you try these out a few times you’ll see how easy picking up a guy can be.

Just don’t spit this game in any bar or party I frequent. That’s my territory, ladies.

What is he thinking?!

Got a little question for Tuffy Luv? She’s got a little answer for you! Email questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in the Tuffster’s column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So, I have a cozy, late-night nookie friend.

We’re not overly compatible in the sobering light of day, and we’re both unusually insecure, so the unspoken rule seems to be every couple of weeks or more. Emails are sporadic and sweet, for reasons that any of you who’ve ever binged on ice cream before or heard the chorus of the Elliott Smith song “Ballad of Big Nothing” will know.

I disappeared this summer, so falling back into a routine feels like navigating the bumpy straits of first acquaintance all over again. We’ve only seen each other three times this fall, but a few weeks ago, maybe moved by birthday drinks or the card that I sent him, he sent me an email telling me to barge in whenever I felt like it.

Yesterday I favorited three of his photos on flickr after he sent me a link to them (I don’t do much favoriting or flickring), did some back-and-forthing on gmail (felt reminiscent of my lame puppy crush days), and took off on my bike for his house after he invited me to come over and continue the conversation in person. I didn’t send him any kind of confirmation message, figuring it would be a nicer surprise just to show up.

All his lights were on, but he wasn’t there.

Asleep? Passed out? Gone for a walk? I called and left a short, gloomy message lacking in the appropriate nonchalance. Then I went home.

Now I just feel kind of embarrassed. Should I be?

Yours,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Tuffy can’t help but be moved by the eloquence and odd self-referentialism of your letter. So, let’s do this.

Quickly, to get it out of the way: No, I don’t think you should be embarrassed. He invited you over. You showed up (albeit, unannounced). He wasn’t prepared. (Perhaps, as you say, he was asleep? Or maybe he was just nakey or something and was too flustered to get it together to come greet you at the door.) I think this was just a minor mis-communication. Sometimes surprises don’t work out that well. No big deal.

I also don’t think you should be embarrassed by the overly-enthusiastic message you say you left. He’s probably, in fact, already called you back at the time of this posting. If not, perhaps he was just too shy to return it.

Which brings me to what I actually want to say about your letter. I’m mostly worried about the idea that the two of you are “both unusually insecure.” Because, you know, that’s actually exactly what’s holding you back.

For those of you who do not have access to either the CollegeCandy Tuffy Luv email or Rachel’s computer, the subject of the email was: “overthinking my friendship with benefits?” To that end, girl, yes, you are. At least the way things are going now. You hook up every couple of weeks and that’s that.

But!

You seem to actually like each other (birthday cards, sweet emails, Flickr favoriting or whatever you crazy kids are doing these days), so I don’t see why you aren’t dating. You both seem to be clumsily attempting to move into that space, but both of your insecurities are getting in the way. It’s like college-age Woody Allens trying to date each other. And you seem like such a cool girl, so I hate to see that go down.

Unfortch, there’s no magic potion for getting over being insecure. Except, you know, getting older and ceasing to worry that people are judging you. Because usually they’re too busy judging themselves. And if they are judging you, chances are they’re too miserable to really matter.

So: cut that shiz out!!! Get over yourself and call him up and propose a hangout. If it doesn’t work out, whatever – it’s not like you’ll be losing some great friendship. But if it does work out, well, wouldn’t that be nice?

Best, Rach!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Hey Dude,

How the heck do you get out of the friend zone? It seems like everyone thinks it is only a problem for guys but girls go through the same problem as well. I have a guy friend for a few years now and I would love for it to be something more. He is a definition of a player and basically can get whoever he wants. He hooks up with so many girls – he even hooked up with my twin sister last week!

The thing is, we have a good friendship – he makes me laugh and I feel like I can tell him anything. We are very flirty, but then again, he flirts with everyone. We have been in situations where we could of hooked up, but he never made a move. He is not friends with many girls. Honestly, I think I am the closest girlfriend he
has. I just really would love to see if I can turn this into something more. Help!!

-Sick of the Friend Zone

Dear Road Kill (Sorry, but that’s a more appropriate title),

Ok, this may sound a little bit harsh, but it’s exactly what you need to hear.

Ready? Here we go.

This situation is kind of like standing in front of an oncoming truck, and making absolutely no effort to move out of the way. Hello? What do you think is going to happen? If this guy had every opportunity to hook up with you because of your looks, your laughs and your personality, and instead he hooked with up with your twin sister?…that, my friend, is called a problem. Yes, it could be because he secretly has a deeper respect, affection, and deeply burning passion for you and you alone, but more than likely he is exactly as you described him: a player.

Women are smart (much smarter than men most of the time), but when it comes to taking your own advice, you’re sometimes about as quick as the Girls Next Door in a biomechanical engineering exam. Listen, you said it loud and clear: he fools around. He hooks up with chicks all the time (and you’re not one of them). He even takes a dip in your personal gene pool, and yet…you’re still considering this guy?

Do me (and every other woman in the world) a giant favor and wise up. If he makes a great friend and you enjoy good times together, keep it as such…but don’t waste your time hoping he’s a diamond in the rough, when he probably is enjoying every second of being rough as hell. Move on to a guy who will love you for you, never go near your sister (or any other member of your family tree for that matter), and can make you laugh while keeping it in his pants. And when in doubt, re-read your question. The answer is right there in your own words.

Walk away.

–Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]