Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a senior in college and have been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years. He’s my high school sweetheart. I know, we’re so cute! We just got engaged and are getting married when I graduate (he’s two years older and is already working).

Now that we’re engaged, I want to go on birth control, but I’m not sure what to try. What do you recommend?

Thanks, Tuffy!

Engaged!

Dear Engaged,

First of all, congratulations!!! You’re right, that’s super cute. Go, girl!!! Secondly, a disclaimer: Tuffy ain’t no doctor, mmmkay?! So go to your OB/GYN to get REAL advice! But in the meantime, here’s what I got:

I’m going mostly by Planned Parenthood, so you can check out the link here:

(BTW!!! If you don’t have insurance and need to see an OB/GYN, Planned Parenthood is a great resource!!! Clicky click that link!) Basically, if you’re going to have sex and you don’t want a baby, you have to use protection. If you’re also worried about STDs (which MOST of you should be!!!), you need to use a condom and that’s pretty much that. You could kind of use a female condom, but those seem to be slightly less effective and have a few downsides (may be uncomfy, can slip inside you during sex, etc.). CONDOMS, people. CONDOMS!!! There are also a bunch of options you can use WITH condoms to prevent pregnancy.

Some women like the diaphragm. It’s fairly effective but it doesn’t protect, of course, from STDs. It’s like a little cup you insert in your hooha. It’s nice and inexpensive and each one lasts for about two years.

Then, of course, there’s the ever-popular birth control pill. Be careful when you go on these, since they do pump you full of hormones and some people have serious side effects. (Read up here.) Really wonderful for some women, really harmful for others. Remember, the pill does NOT protect against STDs!!!

Similarly, there’s the sponge. It soaks up the spermies and kills ‘em. Check but not as effective as we’d like.

Then there’s the patch, which is quite effective (for pregnancy, NOT STDs!). You have to wear it. Like an accessory. Same hormonal risks, but, again, great for some.

The shot: Depo-Provera. Very easy, lasts three months a shot. A little more expensive because it’s more convenient.

NuvaRing: an insertion thingy. VERY effective but pricey and a little risky. Read up, kids.

Aaaand the birth control implant. Very expensive up front but lasts three years. Mostly pretty safe, from what I understand.

I mean, basically, you just have to do your research and talk to your doctor. I applaud you for being responsible!!!!!!!! Please, kids, protect your bodies and your futures!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. Or smash.

Now that all the presents have been opened, the cookies have gone stale and all the decorations have been disassembled, it’s time to start that awful period of reflection…similar to when you try to relive your Saturday nights in order to find your cell phone (or your underwear).

So, while we’re looking back at all the wonderful moments (and the not so wonderful ones, i.e. that time you threw up in your new boyfriend’s bed) here are a few articles that made my year just a smidgen better. I know for a fact after reading them you’ll feel ten thousand times better about all of your not-so-great moments of 2011.

initiating the gallery...

And with that, I wish you all a Happy New year. May your resolutions be easy, and your champagne glasses always full.

Like what you read? Read ALL our Weekly Tens from 2011 right here!

Courtney will be spending this new years eve wining and dining with Patriots players, unlike last years which involved a box of tissues, an empty bottle of wine (or two) and When Harry Met Sally. Be sure to follow Courtney for updates on her fabulous (okay let’s be real…average at best) life (@CourtneyCormier). 

Is being friends with your ex even possible? I mean, you’ve seen each other naked many, many times. You’ve opened up to each other about some weird stuff. And you once didn’t know how you could live without him. I’m still pretty much trying to figure out the real answer to that question, but I’d like to think that, yeah, sometimes you can be friends with your ex.

But let me be clear: being friends with your ex is usually really hard and can only be done in certain circumstances. I’ve watched couples try the friend thing, only to end up in this weird hooking up relationship that made both people miserable. Or one of them couldn’t handle it and the jealousy and hurt feelings destroyed any kind of friendship they could ever have. But I’ve also watched couples who totally rock at being friends after they break up – and I’ve even done it myself. So here are some tips on how you can be friends with your ex. Because, let’s face it, they were a big part of your life for a reason – it isn’t always necessary to completely push them away.

1. Honestly consider whether or not it’s worth being friends with the guy. Because let’s face it, it’s not going to be that easy. For example, if you guys dated for a few months and things ended really horribly, but you just can’t get over him, this is not a reason to be friends. Being friends doesn’t mean it’s going to lead to you guys getting back together. I’ve seen so many girls, and been one of those girls, who have agreed to be friends with an ex just because we’re kind of hoping they’ll change their minds and go back to dating us. If that’s why you want to be friends, or if you think that’s why he wants to be friends, run away, fast.

2. Give yourselves a little time. You can’t try the friend thing immediately after breaking up — it just won’t work. The feelings are too fresh and neither of you are going to be able to handle it. You need to give each other a little bit of space. No matter how hard it is, don’t talk for a few weeks. Get over each other on your own without the booty calls and the unnecessary fighting. Those things just make the situation messy and awkward, and only lead to hurt feelings. You have to be over your romantic feelings for each other before you can try a platonic friendship, or it’s just not going to work.

3. When you do decide to be friendly with each other, you still shouldn’t rush things. I know this person was probably like your best friend while you were going out, so it’s easy to want them around all the time. But don’t quickly jump into talking and hanging out as friends 24/7 — all that’s going to do is make it easier for both of you to fall back into the same pattern you were used to when you were dating. Hang out in groups of mutual friends at first, because if you settle down in your room to watch a movie together, I can guarantee you’re probably not going to watch that movie.

4. It’s probably not the best idea to over-share. Start out by calling him once in a while to chat about random things and avoid any topic that might make either of you emotional — like, it’s not a good idea to let him know about your crazy drunk hook-up, just to prove that you don’t have feelings for him anymore. If you guys feel comfortable talking about other boyfriends/girlfriends/hook-up buddies, then go for it. But if not, just avoid the topic a little bit.

5. Don’t discuss your old relationship. Now that you guys are buddies, it might seem like the perfect time to bring up the reason you broke up and analyze it. Um, don’t. It’s only going to bring up crappy feelings and probably lead to a fight. The breakup happened and it’s done, and you two have both moved on, so there’s really no reason to continue to try to prove your point.

Just remember, being friends with an ex-boyfriend can be kind of hard. Your relationship probably won’t ever be the same as it once was, and it can be weird to adjust to that. But sometimes you guys can end up having a totally amazing friendship, and it’s so worth it.

Have you gone from ex-ship to friendship? Tell us below!

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m a college sophomore girl and I seem to have a major problem with boys — I am CLUELESS when it comes to them! I just got out of a short relationship (actually my first one) and what it made me realize was I gravitate toward guys who express their interest in me FIRST because I feel unworthy of the guys that I have a crush on (like they’re too good for me or something along that line). Now, I have my eye on a new guy right now, but these questions are mainly for any guy I’m interested in, in the future. But as for this guy, I’ve gotten his number and we’ve talked a few times, one of those times being with my roommate and his roommate, and the talks were all pretty short and “meaningless.” Now first of all, if I just simply want to get to know a guy better, how much is too much as far as texting goes and how much should I go up to his room to talk to him (we’re in the same dorm)? I’m really focused on just getting to know him better before I start to dive into something, if it’s there. BUT when/if I do get to the flirting part, HOW DO I DO THAT? How much is too much?

Sincerely,

Boy-Inept

Dear Boy-Inept,

Honey, I’m gonna be honest with you: I think you’re just chicken. Texting?! OMG. How NOT effective can you be. No! Girl!!! Go to his room once. Ask him if he wants to grab coffee. And THAT’S how it’s done. Confident. Cool. Fun. THAT’S what guys like. And you can so be those things. It’s all about working up the courage. Anyone can do it. So listen up, the rest of youse:

(1) Decide on a day and time you will make your (very casual) move.
(2) An hour before you do it, have a dance party by yourself. Put on your favorite music and dance that shoop out.
(3) A half hour before, get dressed and spray yourself with perfume. No changing.
(4) Five minutes before, look yourself in the eye in a big mirror and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.”
(5) Go say hi to him and ask him if he wants to grab coffee.

Wow. So easy. You can totally do this.

Because, like, what’s coffee?! Chances are, he wants to hang out with you ANYWAY. But no matter what, it’s a totally tiny commitment. And once you have coffee with him, you’ll know if you’re even interested in trying again. It’s so win-win I could vom.

I’m rooting for you, girl.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Have you ever been stuck in a funk that, even though your friends are concerned and your finals are creeping up, you really just don’t want to get out of it just yet? Like you just want to crawl into your Snuggie with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and while listening to a song that articulates your inexpressible feelings so perfectly?

Let me tell you, as a newly single girl, I know the feeling. I thought I practically invented this ritual until I realized that this guy named Brandyn Burnette is actually exploiting it by mashing together two of the most overplayed tracks on my “Feel Sorry for Myself” playlist.

Burnette released the video for ‘Rain Over You’—a mashup of ‘It Will Rain’ by Bruno Mars (from the Breaking Dawn soundtrack) and Gavin Degraw’s ‘Not Over You.’ He’s an NYU student who’s already made Internet waves with viral covers of Demi Lovato and Lil Wayne, and thankfully, he’s signed to Warner Bros Records and currently working on his debut album.

But until that’s released, enjoy the video below. Over and over again. Heartstrings, beware.

Have you heard of Brandyn Burnette before? And am I missing out on any other amazing YouTube cover artists?!

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. (You KNOW this.)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I stole my best friend’s boyfriend.

I know it sounds bad but here’s the situation. She didn’t love him. They were just dating because he asked her out and she was too lazy to break up with him. She was always complaining that he wasn’t thoughtful enough or romantic enough and etc.

But I saw something really special in this guy. Let’s call him T. He is the nicest sweetest person and we always had chemistry. I actually introduced them. T and I had a lit class together and we always hung out. I took him to a party and he though my best friend was really cute so I set them up.

But then I watched how she treated him (not good — making him carry things and complaining about him to me behind his back) and I realized I had developed feelings for him.

One day we were hanging out and I don’t know why I told him — and he said he felt the same way!

Anyway, he broke up with my best friend and we started dating. We were going to keep it secret but everyone found out kind of quickly.

So now my best friend won’t speak to me. We’ve been friends since the beginning of college (we’re juniors now) and I can’t stand the idea of losing her. But I don’t think it’s fair of her to keep me from dating the guy of my dreams just because she dated him for three months.

Help!

Found Love

Dear Found Love,

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! Why would you write to me with this?! WHYYYY?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW I MUST SMASH YOU?!?!?!??!??!

Okay, look. No. Bad dog. Heel. You can’t just convince this guy to stop seeing your best friend to see YOU and then expect your best friend to be fine with it. Seriously. Are you kidding me?! If you REALLLLLLLY  think this is, like, THE ONE, then here’s what you SHOULD have done: You should have gone to your best friend and TOLD HER. Is that so hard?! I mean, a little communication between besties?! SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, you should have told her, and then you should have figured out a way to handle it where no one’s feelings got hurt. Instead, you went behind her back and flirted with him and told HIM and then he dumped her for you. TOTALLY HUMILIATING for her. I’d hate you too.

Listen, um, your relationship with your best friend is probably unsalvageable. If you really care about her, you can try to go beg and plead and apologize. However, something tells me you DON’T really care about her. Because if you did, you never woulda done her this way. Look, you got your guy. What do you want?

Peace, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve recently hit the 1-year mark in my relationship and everything is going great.  Except for one key thing – the sex.  It seems everytime I try to initiate anything with the boy I get shot down.  It used to be nearly daily, even when I first started school and now its fizzled down, and he wont give me a direct answer why.  I’ve tried talking to him and thats doing as well as it would were I talking to a brick wall.  Granted he did recently find a job after being unemployed for several months, but it’s not exactly a stressful one, and it’s only a few times a week. I’m there through everything he goes through and the rare times he DOES want to initiate something, of course I’m down – I just want to know why he shoots me down when I’m the initiator.

Sincerely,
Am I still wanted?

Dear Am I still wanted?,

I mean, yeah, probably.

Sex is like a wave, see? Or the wind. Or like–

Okay, what I’m trying to say is, sex drives ebb and flow. You dig? So, sometimes, as a couple, you may have sex every day, and sometimes you guys may only have sex once a week. It’s not a big deal.

And these things are especially sensitive to changes in lifestyle. Even though your BF may not be totally stressed out, he’s still having to shift his focus to something new. He may just be a little worn out. Try not to take it personally.

What IS a big deal, however, is that he isn’t being accommodating.

It’s like, okay, once you enter into an adult relationship and the agreement is you’re having sex and everyone’s happy, that’s a set rule. When one person suddenly doesn’t want to have sex, they actually DO owe the other person an explanation.

So he better start talking.

Also, kiddo, it’s pretty messed up of him to assume he’s the only one who decides when you have sex. It’s cruel to constantly shoot down a sexual partner. As you now know, it really floops up a person’s self-esteem.

So, although I don’t think there’s anything seriously wrong in the way he’s feeling about you, I DO think there’s a discussion that needs to be had. Sit that fool down and tell him he’s hurting your feelings. Explain that you totally get he’s stressed out and you’re happy to accommodate him, but that he needs to let you know how he’s feeling so you don’t take it personally.

And he also should really give you SOMETHING even if he doesn’t feel like going all the way. For instance, if he’s too tired for sex but you’re all revved up, he could offer to do an easier sexual favor for you.

Have this talk and keep it light. Don’t attack him and you’ll get a better, more honest response.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Recently, I’ve had one of the worst things happen to me that could happen to any college student: I had a falling out with my best friend. It was bad. The kind of thing you see in movies, where there’s yelling and tears. She pretty harshly informed me that she didn’t like me anymore. After three years of living together and being close friends, she ditched me to be BFFLs with another girl whom she finds to be more “exciting.”

But that’s not the problem I’m writing to you about. The problem lies in ones of the things my ex-bestie said to me during this final conversation. After basically listing all the things about me that she didn’t like, she also informed me that she didn’t like my boyfriend, John. When I asked why, she said it was because she “didn’t get him.” When I pressed her for a more legitimate reason, she wasn’t really able to give one. She just went on to say that pretty much everyone I knew felt like I was settling for him because I couldn’t find anyone else, and that the fact that I’d date a chubby guy is gross. A little background on my relationship with John: We’ve been dating for 2 months. He’s pretty much my first boyfriend. It took me a long time to find a guy, I won’t lie about that. I’m 21, and John is only the 3rd guy I’ve ever kissed. And yet, I knew from the time I met him that I liked him. He and I just click, and he treats me like gold. He even went out of his way to make sure that he made a good impression on my now ex-bestie when I introduced the two of them, because he wanted my friends to think he was a good person.

Needless to say, he failed. Anyhow, my whole point with this rant is that I’ve been having a nagging feeling ever since she said those things about John. I find myself wondering, “Am I settling for him?” Whenever we’re together, the feelings I have for him are like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But sometimes, when I’m at class during the day or in my room in the evenings, I start thinking about every interaction John and I had that day, searching through my memories for something about him I don’t like, a red flag that maybe I AM in fact just settling, and maybe I’ve just convinced myself that I like him more than I actually do. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. I really like John, but yet I’m constantly questioning whether I’m just desperate and I don’t even realize it. My best friend really got inside my head by saying that I was only going out with John for the sake of going out with someone after 21 years of being single.

I just don’t know what to do. In every relationship, there are things about the other person that you won’t like. I know that much for certain. My fear is just that maybe my has-been BFF was right, and I’m in some weird sort of denial about John. I start thinking about little things about him that aren’t ideal. He sometimes forgets to shave before we make out, he doesn’t exercise as much as he should, he snores — does the fact that there are some things about John that I don’t absolutely love me mean that I’m ignoring negative things about him for the sake of just having a boyfriend? In essence, am I therefore settling for him?

Then I get back to thinking about all the ways in which John makes me happy. He smells amazing, he calls me the sunshine of his life, he and I can talk about anything, his chubbiness makes him an excellent person to cuddle with, and he’s smart and funny. Shouldn’t that be enough to indicate that I really truly want to be with him? How do I stop obsessing over what my old best friend said and just enjoy being with John?

Please Help me.

Sincerely,
Words Managed to Hurt Me

Dear Words Managed To Hurt Me,

What the?!

Girl, you need a serious chill pill. Geez. Just reading this gives me anxiety. Calm the floop down.

You’ve been dating John for TWO MONTHS. Settling, not settling–who gives a shoop?! You barely KNOW the guy!!!

I say, if you like John, date John. You seem to like John. So date John. Until you don’t like John.

I mean, honestly. Isn’t that dating?! Meet someone, date someone, like someone and keep dating someone, dislike someone and stop dating someone.

IT’S SERIOUSLY NOT THAT HARD.

So if you like John, keep up the good work.

However, I am seriously concerned here about your lack of good judgement.

First of all, you seem more concerned about whether or not you’re “in denial” about your feelings for John than you are about, oh, say, your fallout with your best friend.

Now, she may just be a craphead. In which case, yes, by all means, forget about her.

But it sounds like she has some serious concerns about you, and it’s in your best interest to at least consider them. After all, this is a person who cared about you very much for a number of years, and it’s certainly someone who knows you well.

So if she said mean things? Floop her. But if there are things like “you aren’t a good listener” or “you’re too self-involved,” then maybe you should take a good look at yourself. We all should be constantly reevaluating our behavior and see how we can be better. Again, if she’s just being a jerk, forget it. But we can all better ourselves; take this opportunity to see if there’s anything she says that, when you think about, maybe you agree with.

Back to the boyfriend. Um, yeah. Who cares if he’s chubby? This thing she finds wrong with you is, I suspect, just a jab. I think you can ignore the idea that she thinks you’re “settling.” But not because you’re SO IN LOVE with him or anything–two months, girl, get a grip!!!–just because it seems like the kind of jerk thing one girl might say to another girl to hurt her feelings.

Sooooooo:

(1) Forget this “friend.”

(2) Reflect on if anything she says has any truth to it, and, if so, try to fix that behavior.

(3) Forget the stuff she said just to hurt you.

(4) Keep dating John till you decide you don’t like him anymore.

Okay?! Now can you please chill?!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.

I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.

I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.

I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.

He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!

Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.

Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.

Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).

After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.

He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.

We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!

I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.

My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded

Dear Deeply Wounded,

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.

Anyway, onto your letter:

Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.

You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.

But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.

This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.

So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.

This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.

But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.

That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.

And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.

THIS IS A LOSER.

This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.

DO NOT LET HIM.

You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.

I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.

But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).

I hate hate hate this guy.

BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.

Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv