Question? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was dating this guy for a 3 years who was really awful to me, and I don’t know why I stayed, but I did. He always called me horrible names like ‘b*tch’ and ‘whore’ for no reason -  we fought all the time, and he accused me of being a horrible person. He wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends, and I was basically supporting him financially.

Last month he started getting a little physical. He pushed me during two different arguments. The final straw was when he put his hand on my throat during a fight. I got really scared and ended things.

For a month he called, texted and emailed nonstop. Until last week. He stopped all of a sudden, and I thought he had finally got the clue.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week when he suddenly showed up at my 21st birthday party. He knew about it, because I had invited him prior to our falling out. Even though I told him not to come when I broke up with him, he showed up and it was really weird. He bought me a present–this is the first time he has bought me anything– and hung around staring at me. I was uncomfortable and ended up going home early.

Now he thinks I’m dating someone new (I’m not), and he told me in the past that he would really hurt me if I ever was with someone else. I’m scared, but I don’t want to make a huge deal about it in case I’m wrong. Also, it’s embarrassing. What should I do?

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

CALL THE POLICE.

I am so not kidding. You SHOULD be freaked out. I’m freaked out, too. We’re all freaked out. This guy is potentially dangerous. Don’t take any chances, you hear me? There are too many tragic stories where a woman is too ashamed to report a man who ends up taking her life. You need to go to the police station and file a report. Get a restraining order if they’ll give you one. Change your locks. Change your phone. Ask the police for advice.

But please don’t wait. This guy sounds erratic, and he’s already been physical. Tell your friends what’s going on, so they can be on the lookout too. ALWAYS have someone walk you home or to your car or wherever you’re going–you don’t want to take any chances until things have been resolved.

You need to trust your gut here. He’s making you feel unsafe. That’s because this is an unsafe situation. You need to take all the help you can get. File the report and keep the police updated with everything he does that intrudes on your personal space. Do not give this guy an inch.

You only get one life. Take care of it. You were brave to end it with him. Don’t let him intimidate you–keep being the brave, strong woman you always were.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m almost 21 and have never had a boyfriend! I went to an all-girls high school and never socialized with guys. My circle of friends consisted of girls and this carried on as I entered university.

It’s not that I’ve never been approached before. I just think I have never met a guy I’ve genuinely been interested in. Of course there have been the occasional crushes, but those never went beyond physical appearances. I think I have high standards and easily pin point flaws in guys that immediately turn me off from the idea of being with them (eg: they lack manners or smoke), but it’s because I’m not interested in anything casual. If I am going to commit to a relationship, I have to be convinced we can make it last. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is kind and makes me laugh? (And who accepts me and my quirks?)

I don’t think I lack confidence and I don’t think I’m hideous looking. I think my problem is I don’t know how to act and talk to guys. I can be myself, but sometimes I can be blunt and lack empathy. My friends find my deadpan humor funny, but I think others don’t get it and it turns them away. To give you a better idea, I believe I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. I haven’t been diagnosed, but when I read about it, I can relate to, 95% of the signs and symptoms! I find whenever I talk to guys and people I don’t know very well, I have a difficult time holding my end of the conversation. I either don’t know how to engage the person or don’t know the appropriateness of the topics I can share.

I guess what I’m trying say in all of this is that I have issues with how to act like a normal and appealing young lady while still trying to be myself. I need some advice, pointers, and conversation topics that will get things rolling. Anything! Your opinion, stories you may have, etc.

Sorry for the long email. I’m sure I could have written this in five sentences, but I felt it was probably important to give you a sense of my history and personality to avoid the vague and typical answers.

Thanks,
Ass Burgers

Dear Ass Burgers,

Well, okay, first of all, let’s not diagnose you on an advice column.

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]

For those of you not in the know, Mayo Clinic sez: “Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others.” It’s sort of like really high functioning autism, in Aunt Tuffy’s understanding of it.

That being said, Aunt Tuffy ain’t Doctor Tuffy. And you ain’t Doctor Ass Burgers. Soooooo…

If you really think you have Asperger’s, get thee to a doctor, honey!! Said doc can help you understand your symptoms and give you various therapies to make life so much easier. In the meantime, while you’re still undiagnosed, let’s assume you’re just, like, a little socially awkward. With that being the case, there are so many ways you can help yourself.

Numero uno, of course, is developing those listening skills. This is a talent our society seems to shoop upon, but listening to other people–like, truly, actually LISTENING to other people–makes them *GASP* like you.

So when you meet guys, if you find yourself blabbering on, let them get in on the action. A conversation should generally be 50/50: you talk half the time, they talk half the time. Be engaged in what you’re saying AND in what the other person is saying.

And be more sensitive. If they tell you something that’s important to them, don’t make a joke about it. This, my dear, is just common decency. Yes??

As for your high standards–yes, of course you should have them!!! And, yes, absolutely, you deserve to be with someone who is kind and who makes you laugh–as long as YOU are kind to THEM and YOU make THEM laugh. You get what I’m saying here?! It’s give and take. 50/50.

And sometimes you don’t know if a guy is going to be good until you get to know him better. So a first date here and there is in order. I think your idea that you’re “not interested in anything casual” is just an excuse to opt out of dating. How the floop do you know what someone’s like before you’ve hung out with them?! Seriously. A dinner here and there is not a big deal. That is really not worth whining about how you don’t want to “commit.” You can’t “commit” to salad AND an entree?! Just have coffee, then. It’s really not so much to ask to give the guy a half hour. GEEZ.

Okay, and so, on to topics. Let’s get back to this 50/50 idea, right? Ask him questions about himself. That is 100% guaranteed to get the conversation going. Hopefully you’ll find out something you have in common. If not, hopefully he’ll have something interesting to say about stuff he likes. So, questions you can ask:
-What kind of music do you like?
-Have you seen any good movies?
-I just read about [topic]. Have you heard about that? / What do you think?

Or you can take the route of telling him something about yourself and seeing if there’s any common ground there. For instance:

-You know what I just got into? [thing you got into]
-I’ve been watching [thing] and I thought [stuff]…

And if you’re really brave or really bored:

-What do you think about the government / religion / gender roles?

Good luck, kiddo.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv by emailing us at TuffyLuvCC [at] gmail [dot] com.

Boys. Not always quite as reliable as we would like, are they? I blame rom coms for raising my expectations when it comes to relationships. The truth is that a guy is probably never going to chase me to the airport to stop me from leaving, or beg for my forgiveness on his knees, or dance like Hugh Grant in Love Actually. But that’s ok, I guess. Because I’ve got my phone. That’s right. Here are 10 reasons why my BlackBerry is way better than my boyfriend.

initiating the gallery...

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

This is really embarrassing, so I’m just going to say it – I love porn. My boyfriend likes porn, too, but he doesn’t know that I like it. I want to tell him, because I think it would be really hot to look at it together. But I’m embarassed. I also don’t want him to think I’m a slut or anything. We’ve been together all throughout college, so it’s not like he would think that but still… How can I tell him in a way that is sexy and not slutty?

Porn Lover

Dear Porn Lover,

That is totally not slutty. How is it slutty to want to enjoy something you find sexually satisfying with the very man you find sexually satisfying?! No. Slutty, it is not. Honey, here’s my advice:

During The Sexy Times, whisper a really sexy scenario into your boyfriend’s ear. When he’s all worked up over it, tell him you got it from your favorite porn and suggest watching it together. And then, you know, actually watch it together. I’m pretty sure he’ll be super excited. And I mean flooping SUPER excited. You like something he already likes, it’s related to sex, and you’re his girlfriend!

Girl, this isn’t a problem. This is every guy’s dream!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Margarita Borodina / Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So my boyfriend of almost two years and I just broke up. I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have been literally devastated after a breakup. I’m in college and I can’t bring it in myself to do anything, except go to class and back to my apartment. I really love this guy and I want to help him realize that we should be together. The reason behind the breakup was because he let a girl (whom he has had past relations with) kiss his neck at a party that I did not attend. When he told me, I made a rash decision, freaked out and broke up with him. The next day after thinking about it I realized that I love him too much to let him go, and his actions honestly weren’t that bad (he had the courage to tell me himself).

When I talked to him the next day I gave him an ultimatum of either deleting the girl’s number or mine. And he chose to keep the girl’s number. He said it wasn’t because he wanted to be with that girl, but because his actions made him confused on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship right now. He says that he won’t have time to focus on me with graduation quickly approaching. While saying all of this he was crying, and before he left he said that he loved me and hopes that in the future he can try to work his way back into my life.

I honestly just want  to be with him. I don’t want to wait till later, and because it hurts too much I can’t just be friends with him. What should I do?! Please help!

Broken Heart </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I reallllllly hate to say this, but I think this relationship is over. I know he’s saying he wants to get together later, but that’s because he cares about you and is scared of being without you. Still, he — well — he WANTS to be without you. And he IS trying to tell you.

I think your best bet is to deal with this graciously. Don’t talk to this guy for a while — not out of anger, but for your own mental health. Look, girl, you are hurting. And understandably so. First dude lets some girl kiss his neck (wtfloop?!?!??!) and then he tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Those are both very, very hurtful things.

But he’s told you he’s not ready, and you have to accept that. I think you know, deep down, that this is not someone who is ready to be with you. And you don’t want to be with someone who chooses a neck-kisser and her phone number over you and yours.

You know, maybe, MAYBE this will all work out. It’s possible he’s just having a freakout as graduation approaches and he doesn’t know what he wants. But, to be honest with you, I think that what YOU want is someone who KNOWS they WANT YOU. You understand what  I’m saying?

You, too, are about to start a new life. When you graduate college, you enter a whole new world of adulthood. You want to be with someone who is sure of the two of you. You want a man, not a boy. And your boy is only now beginning to transition.

I know you’re hurting now. But give yourself some time. I know that’s hard to accept, but, I promise you, it’s true. Either he’ll come back into your life or he won’t, but, either way, if you give yourself some space, things will get better. Wait it out. Treat yourself. Baby yourself until you feel better (which, I promise, you eventually will). Let yourself heal.

And then find someone who wants you completely and who you want completely back. And I know you’ll be happy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc@gmail.com

[Lead image via Peter Bernik/Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Firstly, I can’t believe I’m graduating in a month and am meant to become a real, live, moneymaking member of society.  But what I am really worried about is what to do about my current relationship situation.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend (we’ll call him J) since September.  This is my first serious relationship and it has been amazing.  A few bumps in the road, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this happy and in love (yeah, I’m one of those nauseatingly happy couples — I apologize).  Problem is that J is British and he goes back home after graduation.

When we first started dating, I had the attitude that it was just for fun.  When my friends would ask me where I saw it going, I would answer something like “Everything is great, but since he has to leave in May, it kind of has an expiration date.”  Over the course of college, I have seen a few friends try a LDR and it has never ended well for any of them.  As a result, I’ve always had the attitude that it was something just not worth trying unless the two parties involved were hoping for some serious emotional torture.  Also, J is not at all my usual type, so I figured that it wouldn’t ever get to the point where I saw him as the guy I wanted to spend years and years with.

Obviously, I was wrong (as we all often are in these situations).  I want to stay with him, and I know he wants to stay with me too — he has made comments about me visiting him in England after graduation.  But, the pessimist that I am, I can’t help wondering if we haven’t been dating long enough to have the deep trust necessary for a VERY-long-distance relationship to work.

So, my question is… should I try this LDR thing? Or should we just go our separate ways until the logistics change–in an effort to avoid hurting each other and ruining what we could possibly have in the future? Either way, do you have any advice for how I should approach the situation? How to make an LDR work? Or how to break up with him (it kills me to even suggest this…) while making him realize it has nothing to do with how much I love him?

Thanks,
Wishing April Could Last Forever

Dear Wishing April Could Last Forever,

Disclaimer: This question is totally from a year ago. I had meant to answer it, but Aunt Tuffy sometimes gets overwhelmed by the volume of questions (sorry!!) and puts things aside and forgets to come back to them.

So, Wishing April, I apologize that my answer is a year late. But I’m publishing it anyway, because I think it could be useful to other girls in your situation.

So, it’s like, well, I think you should go for it.

I know. I know. I hate LDRs. I believe I has made that a-clear.

But in this case, you seem so into him. Sometimes, girl, love really is enough. And you won’t know until you try.

So, I say, what the floop!!! Throw caution to the wind and crap!!!

Look, you sound crazy about the kid. And it’s against all odds, right?! I mean, like, what’s to lose? You’re already expecting it to fall apart when he moves. If you’re really serious about this guy–which you totally seem to be–I think you owe it to yourself (and to him!) to see if it can work out.

Tips: Okay, you need a plan for this. So my advice is to have an end date. In other words, if you guys are still together in [X amount of time], then one of you will move so that you can be together. The two of you should start putting plans for the long term: whose home turf can you both find work at? Is it more important to be near his family or yours? What do you guys want for your potential future together and how can you make it happen?!?

If you can’t do that, then it wasn’t meant to be.

But if you guys can make a plan, and it’s a plan you don’t like, and you still love each other and want to be together, give it a shot!

If it doesn’t work out, hey, you saw it coming.

And if it does work out–well, you’ll have taken a chance on the love of your life and won it all.

Wishing April, I really hope it worked out for you!!! If you see this, let us know! (Post your real first name [which you signed in your email] so Aunt Tuffy knows it’s really you.)

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via Jean Lee/Shutterstock]

Another day, another Bieber story. But this time, he’s not being accused of impregnating a random woman or having terrible hair. He has a new single! It’s called “Boyfriend.” You know, so that all the little 12 year old girls who are obsessed with Justin Bieber can pretend he’s singing it just for them.

I’ve never been a Bieber fan (cue the angry comments), but I think he’s reached a new level of awful with this song. In the intro, he makes sort of an attempt at rapping, but it’s more like a male version of the Ke$ha sing-talk. And then he starts singing, and from there the song pretty much turns into a Jesse McCartney ripoff.

Some sample lyrical gems: “I could be a Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe.” Come on Beibs. If I wanted a plastic doll for a boyfriend, obviously I would choose Ken. Oh, and also this: “If I was your man…” Wait, didn’t you just turn 18? LOL. Honey, you are nobody’s “man.”

Sigh. Justin Timberlake, where have you gone?! Please come back and save us from this.

Take a listen and decide for yourself – does this song make you want Justin Bieber to be your boyfriend?

Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter @garnethenderson.

Before we get into the thick of this, I want to make something very clear. I am not an overly romantic person. I roll my eyes at cheesy love songs, have absolutely no plans for my wedding, and think the idea of giving each other gifts for every single holiday is not only a bit much but also expensive. I am not a high maintenance girl. I swear– you can check my references. But I’ve noticed a disturbing trend as of late that has made me stop and say something I never thought I would say…

What happened to wooing? What happened to a guy and a girl getting together for a date and getting to know each other? What happend to calling a girl to speak to her instead of sending an endless stream of texts? Why are guys trying to arrange and cancel dates via Facebook? It’s awkward and unnatural, and honestly, kind of cowardly. And completely unromantic.

But it’s happening.

Social media has really changed the dating game. Not only does it create a need for instant gratification, but it also creates a whole new set of barriers between people. Why bother making the effort to call a girl when you can just text her? Or better yet, text three girls at the same time? Why try to think on your feet and be charming in person, when you can analyze your every word before sending a carefully worded Facebook message? And most importantly, why bother getting to know a girl when you can just look at her Facebook profile?

A few months ago one of my friend’s Facebook friends added me on Facebook, because he “thought I was cute.” Or at least that’s what he told my friend who told me beforehand.  He friended me, messaged me, and then began talking to me as if he already knew me. As if this is a perfectly normal way to meet someone, instead of, oh, I don’t know…at a bar or in line for coffee.

Call me old fashion, but I think the weirdness of these interactions should at least be addressed. By stalking me via my friend’s Facebook, he essentially picked me out of a catalogue. Then he assumed I would go along with it. There was no wooing whatsoever, no lead up or getting to know each other. There was no effort at all. He just skipped that stage and assumed he knew me, because he glanced at my Facebook profile. And when he did ask me out, for the same night, he was offended that I already had plans. And that “ask out” was for drinks. I’m sorry but when did dinner become out of the question? Are you really supposed to get to know someone in a crowded bar awkwardly sipping a cocktail as you try to decide if you should go ahead and get that third drink?

I mean how much quicker can we make the dating game? Has the need for instant gratification become so great that we don’t even think its worth sharing a meal with a person if we don’t know for sure that it will work out? Technology essentially makes it effortless for guys and girls to get in touch these days. So why not put in a little effort somewhere else? Like on the actual date.

Why not, dare I say it, add a little romance?

Jenn is a communications grad student and social media fanatic who spends her free time reading, writing, watching too much tv and shopping for shoes she can’t afford. At least that’s what her Twitter bio says. Follow her @jenninzetta. 

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend (let’s call her D) who is always asking me when I’m going to break up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I got together senior year of high school, and now it’s junior year of college. He’s really great, and we love each other. He’s not going anywhere.

D and I used to be really close , but she’s always been really jealous of my boyfriend. He’s always nice to her, and when we hang out in a group, we all have a good time. She says it’s nothing personal; she just thinks I’d be happier single. I think she’d just be happier if I were single. She always wants me to come out for “girls’ nights,” and then she tries to get me to hook up with random guys! I don’t know what her deal is. Every single one of my other friends loves my boyfriend. What should I do?

Friend Problems

Dear Friend Problems,

Man, this girl is jealous! D clearly wants you all to herself, and not in that fun sexual way, either. Misery loves company, and singles love wing-friends. Being single can be totally fun. But it sounds like your friend wants you to be her partner in crime, and you’re already spoken for! She’s like, “Gosh, wouldn’t it be fun if Friend Problems broke up with her awesome boyfriend, because I want to go partying in with her?”

NO, YOU SHOOPHEAD D, NO IT WOULD NOT.

Look, you have a boyfriend you obviously care a great deal about, and it sounds like he’s awesome. Your friend, however, sounds crappy. If you’re already going out with her, why does she want you to cheat on your boyfriend?! Why does she want you to break up with him?! Because she’s selfish as floop.

Don’t get caught up in this. Keep hanging out with D if you like her (although she sounds really annoying if you ask lil ol’ Aunt Tuff). But the second she brings up your boyfriend in ANY WAY, I want you to say this exact phrase EVERY SINGLE TIME: “I love him so much. I’m not going to talk about him with you.” And change the goshdarn flooping subject!

Geez. D sucks.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Piotr Marcinski, shutterstock.com] 

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend of three years just had a falling out with one of his closest friends. I don’t want to go into it here, but it was over something really stupid, neither of them will apologize and now they’re not speaking.

I want to help him mend it, but it seems like it’s just making us fight. I’ve tried talking about it with him and he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I even tried getting them together at a party, but they wouldn’t speak to each other and my boyfriend just got upset and asked me not to do that again. He says he doesn’t want to be friends with this guy anymore, but I know it’s hurting him.

What can I do to get them back together?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Back off!!!

Look, it’s sweet and all that you want your guy and his friends to get back to being BFFS. But it’s SO none of your business. You need to be available to him, in CASE he wants to talk. Stop trying to force him to talk. All that is going to do is shut him down completely. I assure you, Worried, boy will talk when he’s ready. In the meantime, be there for him. Don’t mention the friend that he’s all secretly wounded about.

Maybe they are actually done being friends. Maybe there’s something deeper and more secret going on that you don’t know about. Or maybe they’re going to get back together but just need a little time apart. Any which way, it’s not your problem to solve. The more you bug him, the more annoyed he’ll be. The more annoyed he is, the less likely he is to confide in you. The less he confides in you, the less likely he is to find a way to work it out.

Just…leave the guy alone, okay? I mean, not alone. Hang out with him. Be cute with him. Do your usual lovebug things. Just, geez, stop mentioning the thing that’s got him upset!!! Why rub salt in the wound? Let it heal, for garshsakes. And why let that friction find its way into YOUR relationship? You’re just making him feel worse. He’s an adult, you know? Trust him that he can handle it and that he’ll come to you when he’s ready.

Make love, not irritation.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via olly/Shutterstock]